I Don't love my Daughter!

[LouLou80]

hi, my names Louise, i am 29 and i have a husband who i have been with for over 10 years. i have a 9 year old Son and 3 years ago i had twins, a boy and a girl. I have a situation that i often feel guilty about and i wonder if its normal for this to happen. Basically i love my boys to bits but i do not love my daughter, i never have done. I do care about her and i don't wish any harm towards her but its always been about my boys. When the twins were born I immediately bonded with my second Son but had trouble bonding with my daughter. I totally focused on my newborn son and resented having her around. It got so bad that after 6 months i took her to my mums and left her there. I would see her quite often either when i visited my mum or my mum came to me and i made sure that the boys got to see their sister. i would give my mum money towards her food and clothes and i would make sure everything was ok. I even enjoyed seeing her at times but was always glad to leave her behind afterwards. Earlier this year my mum sat down with me and said that as much as she loved having her live with her she felt that it was time for me to try and bond with her more and suggested that it was time to have her live with me again, i agreed to this so she came to live with me in April. Three months later she went back to live with her nan because it wasn't working at all. Perhaps we didn't give it much time but she missed her nan, her nan missed her, the boys were not used to having a girl around 24/7 and as for me? well i really tried but i just don't love her like i love the boys. So now things are back as they were. She is part of the family and always has been treated as such and i make sure that she sees plenty of her twin brother as its important for them to have a relationship, he sometimes goes and stays over at his nans and they get to spend plenty of time together. So i don't have any concerns there. But its the fact that i don't love my daughter that does sometimes bother me and i do feel bad that i rejected her the way i did and that i took her and left her with my mum. As it happens my mum loves having her and she is a fit and active woman so its not a problem. But why don't i love my daughter like i love my boys? any thoughts/advice? i'm not a bad person am i?

If you don't want your daughter and you can't get past this with professional help then you should have her adopted.

Better to be with a family that can give her the devoted attention she deserves, rather than years spent on the periphery of your life wondering what the hell she did that was so wrong. Seriously.

toothfairy,one cannot say lou "You are clearly a terrific mum".we dont know her.

we have lou subjective account of a tragic set of events

it is wrong to erroneously assume lou is horrid
it is wrong to erroneously assume lou is clearly a terrific mum.

it is important to remain objective when posting about stuff like this,and not project your hopes/interpretation onto lou

one hopes lou gets appropriate therapy, engages in family therapy.and that things do work out

only she will know that

Message withdrawn

I don't think the situation is fair on anyone, the family you hav emade with your DH and your sons, your mother or your daughter. Seriously, have you thought about your daughter being adopted?

When your DD went to live with your mother, what did your HV and GP say or do about this? Have Social Services been involved?

Have you pushed for intervention?

i don't wish for social services to get involved, they can do more harm than good with their interfering, overbearing ways.

lou, SW get a unjustified bad press.overall they are reasonable professional people.don't start filling in what if's.get some referral and let staff work with you

it will be bloody hard
you wont necessarily like it
they will ask uncomfortable questions
this is a mess- no easy answer

have you had social work involvement before? any sws i know are desperate to help people, kind, professional and caring. don't make them out to be bogeymen, it's a red herring in this.

such a brave post, though, i agree with the women who've told you to watch Help Me Love My Baby. this is so far outwith the normal maternal experience, please don't take this criticism to heart (except insofar as it motivates you to change this). there were so many complex reasons behind the women on the show not loving their children, most a complete surprise to the mothers themselves.

personally, i'm interested in your mother's desire for a daughter (other than you?) and your having provided one for her, certainly. there will be forces shaping this situation far beyond you yet know. good luck in seeking a resolution and learning to love your daughter.

SO WHAT? i am so tired of the mn paranoia about journalists. who cares? this woman is either a journalist, a troll or... drumroll... someone in terrible trouble. why bother to undermine her if so?

Um-"they can do more harm than good" So what have you done to your daughter so far? I have gone away and mulled over this and I honestly think you have done a truly terrible thing that even if you get help now will still haunt your daughter's life and be reverberating through your family for generations.WHAT on earth where you thinking? Why did you not get help when she was tiny? Why did you have children at all if you didn't want a gender that you had a 50% chance of getting? You are clearly NOT a good mother to your sons because you have broken their relationship with their only sister and favoured them above her, and one of them is her TWIN for God's sake. Sibling relations are still there when parents die but you have destroyed this for your sons and your actions will affect their relationships too.I can't imagine they will grow up very secure knowing that you gave a sibling away.I think you are cold and borderline sociopathic and I am stunned that your husband has allowed this to happen .I also think you don't deserve your sons.I think you should never have had children and that you are a toxic parent.

op is either a troll or a complete bitch...im thinking please be a troll.... no child deserves to be farmed out and watch her siblings being brought up by mum and dad..... its sick.

AitchTwoOh - I don't give a hoot if journos want to look for their copy here but I'm not going to waste my time feeding them. So now I shall ignore the thread.

You love your DSs, yet they must think it's odd that a son is more important than a daughter? Won't they struggle with their own relationships if they think men are better than women? They've had this reinforced by all of your family accepting this and not making you get help when you weren't mentally able to get help yourself. Good luck in getting help now as you're stronger and you can clearly see it's needed. I hope you're encouraged to try activities with your DD that involve physical contact, to fully bond.

Sorry if someone else has said this point, it's a long thread

Evening all....I was that farmed out/abandoned daughter 34 yrs ago, raised by fantastic granparents until I chose to leave at 16. It has caused HUGE issues between me and my mother (who I call by her first name) I still have no answers to why it happened, it is a closed book as far as my mother is concerned. Yet ironically she has all the time in the world for my children. I have 2 DS's and a miracle of a DD! Custardo post made me cry, as i also want to walk side by side with my DS thru all lifes stuff. I want to fix the wrongs done to me, I want to go shooping with her, have a coffee in a coffee shop, shed tears as she tries on her wedding dress. i also adore my DS's, they will be fine men who will look to me for guidance also....I hope Lou gets help. Before her DD gets to 34 still harbouring resentment and no love for the woman who sadly gave birth to her.

I don't see what my situation has to do with incest.

tatt, i'd question why you didn't just ignore the thread in the first place.

lou, have you watched the programme yet?

look lou,you post this thread that title.expect some indignation

maybe stop coming back to it.focus your energies on the important stuff

this is froth.it isn't really important
a wee girl and her mum is
go sort your priorities.

I suspect, in response to Saggy's comment, this was all done on the quiet - HVs or SW were never informed, especially considering Lou's comments about SS and their 'overbearing ways.'

I could be wrong, but I can't imagine this taking place with a cheery wave from the HV and nothing more than a note of change of address.

So, Lou, how did this happen? How have you explained it to the powers that be? Because if this sort of thing can happen under the noses of HCPs, presumably without any attempt at intervention, it doesn't say a lot about officialdom's care for the helpless young in our society.

And if you've effected this situation without informing the powers that be, then you and your family knew it was wrong all along, which is probably what's driven you to post here.

I'm afraid I think your mother is the villain in all this

a decent person would have refused to take your daughter away from you and would have concentrated her energies on trying to help you overcome your initial bonding difficulties and promote a healthy relationship.

She wanted another girl and you wanted boys? How neat and convenient: "I've got two, you have the pink one and I'll keep the blue one"

that little girl has a right to grow up with her brothers. When she's older, when you and your mother aren't around, those sibling relationships will really count.

And I think you are sidestepping the unbelievable damage you are doing to her long-term mental health and chance of a healthy happy adult life - you simply are NOT engaging with the brutal facts of this situation. What is happening is TERRIBLE. Really, really terrible. Wake up!!

I haven't read all the thread, just the op.

But going on what I have read, surely if you don't love your daughter and haven't been a parent to her for the last 3 years, would she not be better being adopted by a family who might actually show her some love?

How do you think she feels, knowing that her own mother doesn't love her or want her in the same house as her siblings?

She must feel so confused and unwanted.

Apologies if the thread has moved on, as am only responding to what I read in the op, but couldn't really believe what I was reading!

I think you are brave to admit the problem to yourself and to post it on here. Please do something about it though! My father didn't want me. He always treated me as an inconvenience - he still does and my mother has admitted to me that he actually didn't want children but she did. As an adult I have a very unstable self-image and other mental health problems which I am sure have been contributed to by my non-existent relationship with him.

Greensleeves makes an excellent point that your dd has the right to a good relationship with her brothers. If you don't cherish your dd her brothers won't either...

I wasn't wanted, my mother had a termination just before I was born. Once I was a reality though I was the Elastoplast baby - meant to save their failing relationship. I didn't work. Which somewhat set the tone for a shit childhood. I have long-term problems with depression and anxiety, have had a full-scale physical and mental breakdown and I have no contact whatsoever with my mother now.

You must, must MUST wake up and see how horrific this is. All three of the children are being damaged. You have no right to do this to any of them.