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Parenting

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Original poster

Letting a four year old go to the shops unaccompanied?

219 replies

wonderingwondering · 26/07/2009 20:39

DS is 4.5, starts Reception in September. We live 200 yards from our local shop, where they know DS. Today, I thought about letting him go to the shop on his own. We live on a busy road, but there's a wide pavement, and he wouldn't have to cross the road. He's quite sensible.

He seems very young, but he's quite capable of going in to a shop and buying things on his own - he's done that, while I wait outside or in the car, for a year or so now. Is he too young to walk there and back on his own?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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swishyswashyswishyswashy · 26/07/2009 21:33

Please don't assume he won't decide to cross the road (whether for letting him go to the shop or in any other situation). My 4 year old did exactly that (tried to cross a road suddenly that we didn't even need to cross, it was just random) after years of having apparently completely 'got' roads and never having tried to cross without us. It was terrifying (it was a very a busy road although luckily nothing was close enough to hit him) and it took us completely by surprise. Before that happened I would have said for certain that we didn't need to worry about roads at all.

I wouldn't let a four year old go by himself either. You've no idea who's in the shop or who he might meet - they don't have to snatch him, just be rude to him or tell him off or something like that and with you not even knowing it's happened you'll have a job explaining it to him afterwards. At least if you're close by waiting in the car you can be there in a second if it looks like he's having a problem.

I'm all for kids having a feeling of confidence and competence but actually at four do you need them to get that by you not being there, compared to you being there but allowing them to do more? I mean do they need to feel they're "going to the shops by themselves" compared to "going to the shops with mummy and doing the shopping" in order to get that confidence boost? Don't you need to watch out for them getting the mistaken idea that they're old enough generally to go to the shops by themselves, when they're not really - after all they're not old enough to come downstairs, open the front door, and go off to the shops by themselves "like that day mummy let me", are they? But they might mistakenly get the idea that they are if they get used to leaving you further and further behind on these solo expeditions.

I think perhaps a four-year old will get a lot from feeling helpful and competent at shopping with an adult, but also needs to know that whatever they do, they still do with that adult, they don't yet do it solo. I think if it was me and I wanted to increase their sense of responsibility there I might try to do it by giving them more choice about what is bought - that kind of decision making, perhaps - rather than (yet) increasing the distance from mummy at which it all happens.

expatinscotland · 26/07/2009 21:40

'There is auch a risk to cotton-wooling our kids, and we never seem to consider that. '

I don't buy that for a minute. Like I said, I was what would be considered majorly 'cotton-wooled' just by living in a large US city with no public transport where you have to drive just to get a loaf of bread.

And I'm so independent and assertive some consider it a fault.

I'm streetwise beyond belief.

Original poster

wonderingwondering · 26/07/2009 21:41

Swishyswashy - don't worry. DS won't be going anywhere on his own. I just wanted to know what others do, and at what age, and what they take into account before letting their child go out unaccompanied. I am known in RL as an ultra-cautious mum!

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AnyFuckerLikesItUpTheBum · 26/07/2009 21:41

you stupid bint, is your 4 yr old expendable?

what are you thinking ?

< waits for post to be deleted >

KiwiKat · 26/07/2009 21:42

I was hysterical yesterday when ds (3) took off on his scooter and raced away from me all the way around the block, with me sprinting and bellowing like a fish wife behind him.

So I'm adding my vote to the 'no' brigade.

Original poster

wonderingwondering · 26/07/2009 21:43

No need to delete. I said, I was seeking opinions. And I got them...

OP posts:

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 26/07/2009 21:44

Better a child wrapped in cotton wool at such a young age than in a wooden box.

herbietea · 26/07/2009 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFuckerLikesItUpTheBum · 26/07/2009 21:54

I agree FBG

scrummymum · 26/07/2009 21:56

I agree with the majority. I have a DD who is 5.5 and I would definitely not let her do it. There is too many things that could go wrong, maybe not the first time or the second but at some point. At some point, you are bound to think that they have been doing it for x amount of months and have been fine so your attention may wander.

My friends DS who I have spent a lot of time with since birth, has always been excellent around roads, but the other day he just followed a ball onto a very busy road. He is 9. You just never know.

I am quite laid back and do let DD go ahead of me on her scooter on the way home from school and don't hold her hand all the time near busy roads and she has excellent road sense.

There is also the stranger danger. All you need is one weirdo who stops the car and drags him in. Yes, it can happen at any age but a 4 year old would have no chance. I am not a person who thinks every man in the world is a peodophile but it does happen.

KingCanuteIAm · 26/07/2009 21:59

WW, if that is what you wanted to know why didn't you just ask that?

wannaBe · 26/07/2009 22:05

I am 99% certain my ds wouldn't have run into the road when he was 4 (he is now 6). But it is not just about road sense, it is also about the fact that at that age, they know that if they run into the road, they will get into trouble.

So imagine taking that realization away from a 4 year old.

It's a bit like a bowl of sweets. If you have a bowl of sweets on a table and you are in the room, the child knows not to take the sweets. Leave the room, and suddenly the temptation is there to take the forbidden sweets.

Let the child walk alongside the road on his own, and suddenly the temptation is there to cross the forbidden road. iyswim?

At 4 it is not his responsibility to not cross the road when walking unaccompanied. It is your responsibility to ensure he doesn't cross the road, be not letting him walk around unaccompanied.

RealityIsHavingBumsex · 26/07/2009 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFuckerLikesItUpTheBum · 26/07/2009 22:12

I had thought my reply would be the most direct but noooooo...

Reality, I salute you

RealityIsHavingBumsex · 26/07/2009 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Mumcentreplus · 26/07/2009 22:19

Bit too young at the mo the busy road is the main worry..I sent my DDs to the shops alone for the first time this week to get a loaf of bread..they have been begging for ages they are 7 and 5..they only had to cross 1 small road...plus i sent DH to follow them secretly ...they did so well... very happy bunnies they held hands all the way as I requested and did not get distracted came home in 8 minutes (yes I was counting)...it's not going to be a regular thing but I was proud

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 26/07/2009 22:29

I'd just passed my driving test when I ran over a kid that ran into the road from between 2 parked cars without looking. She was only 7yo, I'm sure her parents thought she was sensible enough to be out and about by herself.

Think they changed their minds as she was lying unconcious in the road waiting for the ambulance to come.

Loshad · 26/07/2009 22:32

Madness, why does he even need to go into the shops without you. If he goes shopping alone at 4 is he going to be doing alcohol alone in the park at 10 to further his independence, camping at glastonbury by himself at 12. He's a pre-schooler not a nearly secondary school aged child.
world gone mad.

Mumcentreplus · 26/07/2009 22:32

expatinscotland · 26/07/2009 22:33

OMG, Stripey! That's awful!

Ponders · 26/07/2009 22:40

God, stripey - did you manage to go on driving after that?

SlartyBartFast · 26/07/2009 22:40

yes, he is too young,
my 12 year old has no road sense!!

CrushWithEyeliner · 26/07/2009 22:50

4 OMG what are you on

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 26/07/2009 22:53

It was awful, 12 days after passing my test. And I was using my mum's car while she was on holiday and she'd told me not to use it. So the huge dent in the bonnet took some explaining.

I had to force myself to drive the following day, was very shakey and crying. But at the end of the day it wasn't my fault, there was nothing I could have done. I was under the speed limit and still hit her.

lilacpink · 26/07/2009 22:53

To give independence why not walk him, but let him be the one to hand the money over in the shop and carry something back?

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