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Parenting

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Original poster

Lovely MNers. advice needed on teen sex dilemma

76 replies

tearinghairout · 03/07/2009 18:41

DD is 15.7 and she's been going out with her BF (15.6)for almost a year. He seems a nice lad, quiet & gentle, polite, but he doesn't say much, plus I feel a bit uncomfortable with the stuation so I can't claim to really know him. They were 'first love' and took it slowly, got serious around January time. They spend plenty of time alone together in her bedroom and his. I would rather that than behind the sheds, or whatever (my own miserable experience). She & I have had several talks and she says they ram 'that stuff' down her throat at school/youth club, says they are taking precautions & she is sensible, and I believe her.

So, this anniversary. She wants to sleep the night with him, at his house. I've already told her that I'm not comfortable with him sleeping here yet. Why not? Can't give any more of a reason, really. Her dad says No, feels same as me, and that when people ask how she spent her anniversay & she says ' ' then... well, not on, is it?

So the uptight mother says no, but the rebel in me thinks 'Stuff what people think'.

Help!

OP posts:

lisad123 · 03/07/2009 18:51

LOL I remember telling my mum that sex isnt something people only do at night

If your not happy with it, dont do it. Your house, your rules. My mum never allowed my BFs to stay over and even the night before me and DH flew out to get married, and we stayed at theirs (driving to airport) we still had to have seperate rooms.

frAKKINPannikin · 03/07/2009 18:52

Do what you think is best.

I was never allowed to have any boyfriend staying the night with me in my bed. A serious boyfriend (we were together for over 2 years) had to sleep in the study, my DH2B STILL sleeps in the study when we visit them. Their house, their rules - I don't question it, other people have no right to either.

Original poster

tearinghairout · 03/07/2009 18:53

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. But try to explain WHY not, exactly, and you end up questioning yourself. She does it at 7pm, why not let her stay at his house?

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Rhubarb · 03/07/2009 18:54

Because it's against the law.

What do his parents think?

Tinker · 03/07/2009 18:55

Aargh, I am dreading this scenario. Really don't know what's for the best and would be the same as you - a No without any logic.

I was only allowed to sleep with a boyfriend in my mum's house when we'd had a baby together. Obviously, don't suggest that to your daughter (I was 40 btw)

Rhubarb · 03/07/2009 18:56

I wouldn't be happy with my dd or ds having sex at 15. They are still children and I don't buy this 'oh everyone is doing it!' So what? I'll give mine the old contraception talk sure and if they choose to do it somewhere else I can't stop them. But I certainly wouldn't encourage it by allowing it in my home.

It is against the law. You could be prosecuted for allowing it.

frAKKINPannikin · 03/07/2009 18:56

Because it's a whole new level of intimacy, sharing a bed (assuming they would be sharing )

aGalChangedHerName · 03/07/2009 18:56

My ds1 and his gf have been staying at each others houses since around the same age. I am ok with it now (they are now nearly 18 and nearly 17) Wasn't quite so fine at the time but i was like you,would rather they were safe and taking precautions etc than in bus stops.

There will be folk along who don't agree but you have to decide. If you are not comfortable with it then you can say no but don't say no because of what others may say. It's nowt to do with anyone else!!

Tinker · 03/07/2009 18:57

You can use the "it's against the law" argument for now but that's just stalling as I guess (maybe?) the OP will still feel the same when they are 16. Well, I know I would

Rhubarb · 03/07/2009 18:58

It's your house, your rules. They have to respect that.

Do his parents know they are having sex?

Original poster

tearinghairout · 03/07/2009 19:08

Yes, of course his parents know, unless they are totally naive. they have, apparently, offered for her to stay round there. They are 'fine with it'. I have met, and like, them, but have only talked about the weather & can't raise this easily. When Iasked DD where she would be sleeping I got a 'Dunno' but I'd bet my last square of dark chocolate that no-one will be on the sofa. But then, she's not their DD is she?

Tinker, yes it's stalling. But when she's 16 I'll only have 'I don't like it' as reason won't i?

OP posts:

aGalChangedHerName · 03/07/2009 19:11

Ds1's gf's parents and i spoke about stuff before she stayed here. I wouldn't be letting either of them stay over until you all (the dc included) have a chat about it.

Original poster

tearinghairout · 03/07/2009 19:15

What, a grown-up discussion with the dch and both sets of parents?

I have had two children, I can remove big spiders from the bath, but I don't think I'm that brave. Feel a bit faint, actually

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Gingerly · 03/07/2009 19:18

listen to you.. "anniversary"?!
no pressure there then?!

aGalChangedHerName · 03/07/2009 19:18

I spoke to both dc together and then her parents. I also spoke to them together about contraception etc. If they/your dd can't have a conversation about it then i would say no to staying over.

Original poster

tearinghairout · 03/07/2009 19:20

Rhubarb, we've moved on from the 'she's having sex' bit. I was much older when I first did it, & her being a little quiet thing I didn't think she'd be having sex at 15. When I found out I was floored - but I came on MN and got some sage advice about making it a happy time rather than guilt-ridden and sleazy. They've been together for a whole year, and have been faithful to each other, are in Luuurve apparently, DYSWIM?

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Tinker · 03/07/2009 19:20

Actually, that's a good point - no mature conversation = not mature enough for staying over.

aGalChangedHerName · 03/07/2009 19:20

Anniversery?? It is funny yeah but ds1 and his gf just had their 3rd anniversary in April this year.

MrsMattie · 03/07/2009 19:20

My mum used to let my boyfriend stay at mine and me stay with him if his mum was there when I was 15. She took the approach that if I was sexually active, better she knew and we could talk about it. She even came to the clinic with me to discuss contraception and sexual health. Her attitude meant I grew up with a very mature, healthy attitude to sex. She probably didn't like the thought of me having underage sex, but she knew that her not liking it wasn't going to stop me doing it.

However, I think you should go with your instincts about your DD and her BF, and be true to your own values.

Original poster

tearinghairout · 03/07/2009 19:23

Ginger, her word not mine. She's been on about it for ages, what to buy him etc. His mum is paying for them to have a meal out 'on their anniversary'. But you're right in that it's all a bit serious, but then it IS a whole year!

OP posts:

Gingerly · 03/07/2009 19:24

Yes i think there is a LOT of pressure going on from him and his family.
I woudl explore this first.

Gingerly · 03/07/2009 19:25

and FWIW

NO WAY under 16 in your house.

its not right.

aGalChangedHerName · 03/07/2009 19:26

Gingerly if they were doing it in a bus stop it would still be illegal. I didn't want ds1 to have to do it outside.

Tortington · 03/07/2009 19:27

i wouldn't allow it and even though i have the best relationship with my dd ( i am v lucky) becuase it's against the law would be the reason i use.

i'm not quite clear what you are saying - are you saying - they have sex anyay - but can he stop the night and do it at your house?

i think in that case - then i can't see what the problem is - becuase if they are having sex anyway - you can't put a cork in it now!

but i wouldn't allow my kids to be fucking under my roof

ds was 19 and his girlfriend moved in before i allowed that to happen.

sounds like your a great 'open' supportive mum - well done you

Original poster

tearinghairout · 03/07/2009 19:27

Tinker, it's not her who feels uncomfortable talking about it, it's me! And her dad.

She keeps things private, but isn't embarrassed. Me, I'm... '"oO, that's a nice cloud up there!"

Mrs Mattie, yes, I recognise that scenario. Thanks to you all, I have to go but will check back later. I think I will say No. But still can't really explain why. But thanks, you have helped me clarify my thoughts.

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