Lovely MNers. advice needed on teen sex dilemma

[tearinghairout]

DD is 15.7 and she's been going out with her BF (15.6)for almost a year. He seems a nice lad, quiet & gentle, polite, but he doesn't say much, plus I feel a bit uncomfortable with the stuation so I can't claim to really know him. They were 'first love' and took it slowly, got serious around January time. They spend plenty of time alone together in her bedroom and his. I would rather that than behind the sheds, or whatever (my own miserable experience). She & I have had several talks and she says they ram 'that stuff' down her throat at school/youth club, says they are taking precautions & she is sensible, and I believe her.

So, this anniversary. She wants to sleep the night with him, at his house. I've already told her that I'm not comfortable with him sleeping here yet. Why not? Can't give any more of a reason, really. Her dad says No, feels same as me, and that when people ask how she spent her anniversay & she says ' ' then... well, not on, is it?

So the uptight mother says no, but the rebel in me thinks 'Stuff what people think'.

Help!

Hi,
Ive not read the whole thread, but wanted to share my view. Now Im fully expecting shock here, but Im 22 now, and was with my first BF from 14-19, and we moved in together after my 16th birthday. I was a very mature teenager (long story but had to grow up for various reasons), and we started having sex when I was 14. My mum and I are very close, and she had the opinion that it was better while I was safe, than somewhere seedy and dangerous. We were very open, I went to the dr with her and went on the pill, and she took me to get condoms regularly. I was not going to fall preg like a lot of teenagers, and was fully aware of what the deal was. However, a lot of people I know weren't ready for the emotional side of sex until they were 18+, although it was then 'legal'. Its hard to judge or comment without knowing the individual involved. I actually think the OP is being very responsible and open to discuss it with her daughter, a lot of teenagers would be too scared to talk to their parents and thats where the problems begin.

And isn't that 2/100 an average for all levels of fertility? Because a 15yo has to be A LOT more fertile than average. I bet their contraceptive failure rate is a fair bit higher than 2%.

I have had good friends who became underage teen mums.

The OP and the bf's mum have come to an agreement now and I think you've made the right choice not just for the legal side or the contraception side.

Allowing them to share a room at this is too much pressure on a couple so young. I shared a room with my bf at my mothers house when I was 17. It cemented a bond. Would have found it easier to walk away when the warning signs were there, instead I married him and subsequently divorced. Almost liken it to living together at an early stage, much harder to break away than if you were just dating.

Even though they are serious about it each other, anniversaries etc, would you want your DD to feel pressurised to stay with him if things go wrong.

I think it was me who mentioned the bush tbh, and the tabloid.

But I accept the apology

I am amazed at how naive some people on this thread are. You think by 'not condoning' underage sex it won't happen?

no
but it makes it harder!

Mrs Mattie, the point is that allowing them to stay overnight together at home normalises behaviour which some people on here (me included) think is undesirable given their young age and the consequences that could follow.

The fact that the bf's parents are paying for them to go out to dinner for the anniversary just shows how young they are and how unequipped they are to deal with the situation should a pregnancy arise. And I do agree with the posters that say allowing them to stay overnight takes the relationship to a much more intense level - bringing the bf/gf into the family - making it more difficult to walk away from.

So, do you think they won't be having sex again then? Now that they're not allowed to do it at home?

I dont get the whole pregnancy thing. As Ive already mentioned, I didnt get pregnant. I used the pill and condoms, and last resort worst case there is abortion. Its not a given that a 15 yr old is going to get up the duff.

Words fail me.

Don't think anyone was being naive here. The couple are already having sex, kids will do it in a doorway if they want it. I remember it well!

However, allowing two young (under the age of consent) people to share a bed in the parents home was the issue. One night would turn into every weekend. Too much too young. IME.

40 years ago they had to get married to do that.

Monkeyfacegrace - you are right of course, it is not a given that sex leads to pregnancy

But it is a given that not having sex leads to not being pregnant

I dont get the whole theory behind preferring to allow teenage sex to happen at home rather than "somewhere seedy"
My kids wont be allowed to have sex in my home until they are not teenagers. If they foolishly choose to have sex somewhere 'seedy' then they will probably get cold and be far less likely to do it on a regular basis

Why make things nice and comfy for them - they have a lifetime of adulthood ahead of them - being 16 should be about playing card games, orienteering, messing about, listening to music whatever - but not sex imho

I probably sound horribly naive with that opinion but then my kids are only 5 and 7 - plus I waited until I got married until 'doing the deed' and survived

I think its great that shes able to discuss it with you. She is in a healthy relationship with someone she has been with for a year and seems more mature about sexual health than many older women. It is not ideal having sex at 15, but it happens. It is much better she is doing it openly and is able to ask for advice/talk than be doing it in secret as happens so often.

I think your solution sounds great.

Don't forget that teenage sex isn't all pressure, fears of pregnancy and the like. I was a very "good" girl as a teenager (in that I didn't do drugs, did very well at school etc etc) and yet I loved sex and frankly would do it as often and in as many places as possible.

As long as she is not feeling pressured into it by a boyfriend and that she can say no, it is possible to have a nice fulfilling sex life with a boy when you are 15. I went out with my boyfriend from 15-17 and our parents are still friends - in fact they came to my wedding (not to their son!).

Sex doesn't magically become normal and ok once you get out of your teens. You can be equally messed up at 25, or perfectly sorted on the issue at 14.

I think it's perfectly all right to say 'I don't feel comfortable with you sleeping together in our house', without being naive or encouraging them to do it in a bush. Basically, what you are saying is, I don't agree with this; if you choose to do it anyway, then that is your responsibility.

Otherwise, you are giving the message that this is something I think you should be doing. If you don't think so, don't say so- either in words or not.

I don't think it's ok to smoke so I won't let my dd do that at home, though I know perfectly well that her friends are experimenting behind the school sheds. The fact that I can't stop her if she decides to do it is something totally different from actively encouraging her. Of course, I don't see sex as something as negative as smoking, but I am law-abiding, she knows that, I would not lend my house to anyone breaking the law. If she chooses to break the law, on her head be it. In my house she will limit herself to things I can feel comfortable with.

I think the OP has come to a sensible solution.

Thanks to Monkeyface & others for your constructive comments & kind words. My problem was the equating of the tabloid story of Alfie the 12-yr-old (who turned out not to be the father after all) with this situation. Irrelevant.

All I can say to the people who want their dds to be orienteering at 16 is - so do I! Or in her room reading Anne of Green Gables. Some teens will: her twin brother is very sporty & has no time for girls yet. It all depends on the child. Some of her friends have bfs at 14 & 15, many don't, it just happens that she's met someone she calls her best friend and, after 6 months, their relationship became serious. This sex at 15 stuff is a very long way from my own experience and expectation and I'm having to adapt & be way out of my comfort zone.

I, too, would have said "Why make it easy for them?" but changed my mind after advice from MN. My own first experiences of sex were pretty awful. People on here said that if it can be made nice & safe & in your own bed, than that was better than guilt-ridden, shameful and in a bus shelter. And eventually I came to agree. But some have advised that staying overnight is another level, and I agree and thank you for the advice.

LOL I dont think you can copmare to Alfie, that was ridiculous! You sound such a good mum, lots of my mates weren't even allowed boys upstairs, which meant many lost their virginities in bushes/parks/subways. Pretty gross and dangerous, and not how you want it to be.
As for 16 yr olds doing 'famous five' activities, yeah right, I was chain smoking and working full time! Id love my daughter to be watching the railway children and knitting scarves but its not going to happen. Its hard enough being a teenager (being 22 the memory is only too clear), we dont need to make emotional things more difficult. If she has proved she can be mature (and by calling him her best friend gets thumbs up from me), support her wishes. Good luck x

Many thanks MFG, much appreciated.xx

Perfectly acceptable tos imply say that you don't feel comfortable with it and don't want them sleeping together in your house in this way.

My parents and DH's parents felt like that and it was ok. We were a little older at 16/17y so legal, but their house, their rules. And we respected that - when they we also in

I was 14 when I met my DH (he was 15) and when we got serious about a year later, my mum told me that she didn't want me to have sex before 16 but that when I did want to (before or after 16), to let her know and she would come with me to the dr for the pill. She also told me about the need to wear condoms. I think for extra protection as we had both never slept with anyone else. She would only let him sleep in the spare room if he stayed over. We didn't actually have sex until I was nearly 17 at which time, I went to my mum and she came with me to get the pill. He was allowed to sleep in my room once we got engaged at 19 (he stayed friday and saturday night every week) but was told that we were not allowed to have sex while they were in the house (obviously we did, but my parents were none the wiser). I felt very lucky that my parents were understanding and supportive and it obviously didn't make me run out and have sex straight away. Here the OP's dd is already having sex but I think having supportive parents makes you more careful as you want to keep their trust in you.

I completely agree with not letting them sleep in the same room until they are older. If they really are in love then they will have lots of years sleeping in the same bed. I have after nearly 17 years and 2 dc's later.

Good for you. It won't stop them doing it just because you don't want them to but this way she will still confide in you. I intend to do this with my dd when the time comes.

I let my daughter's bf start staying over after they had been together a year and I talked with his mom about it first. Do what you are comfortable with but I'm on the side that I'd rather they were home in a safe place. Good luck! Barb

The quesion to ask your DD is, if her boyfriend got her pregnant, would he stay with her? If there's any doubt in her mind they shouldn't be having sex. Can she be 100% sure he doesn't have an STD, and isn't sleeping around? If not she shouldn't be having sex.

Naomi, I've said something similar to her, basically that if you're going to have an adult relationship then you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences - making sure no pregnancies & STDs being part of it, along with wondering why he hasn't phoned, if he fancies your best mate etc etc.

It's the first time for her and I think it probably is for him too, they are defo faithful, there is no way he has been out with anyone else while he's been with her - we live in a small town & they spend too much time together. If I thought she saw sex as a 'pastime' like having a game of table-tennis with a chum I would be disgusted & not let her out of my sight.

Something interesting she said the other day - "If I didn't have him as a bf I would be wanting to go out clubbing with X (gf) and looking for a fella" As it is, some of her schoolfriends go clubbing in our nearest city quite regularly, wearing skimpy clothes & drinking. At 14 & 15 ! She hasn't asked to go, which I am very pleased about!