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Parenting

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Original poster

Lovely MNers. advice needed on teen sex dilemma

76 replies

tearinghairout · 03/07/2009 18:41

DD is 15.7 and she's been going out with her BF (15.6)for almost a year. He seems a nice lad, quiet & gentle, polite, but he doesn't say much, plus I feel a bit uncomfortable with the stuation so I can't claim to really know him. They were 'first love' and took it slowly, got serious around January time. They spend plenty of time alone together in her bedroom and his. I would rather that than behind the sheds, or whatever (my own miserable experience). She & I have had several talks and she says they ram 'that stuff' down her throat at school/youth club, says they are taking precautions & she is sensible, and I believe her.

So, this anniversary. She wants to sleep the night with him, at his house. I've already told her that I'm not comfortable with him sleeping here yet. Why not? Can't give any more of a reason, really. Her dad says No, feels same as me, and that when people ask how she spent her anniversay & she says ' ' then... well, not on, is it?

So the uptight mother says no, but the rebel in me thinks 'Stuff what people think'.

Help!

OP posts:

Gingerly · 03/07/2009 19:28

Yes well then at least you arent condoning it.
i do think that you have to show some effort at obeying the law! If htey want to break it then let them shag in a bush or wherever - otherwise its a bit weird
i Mean fgs his mum sounds like she may as well book em a room

Tinker · 03/07/2009 19:28

They'll just spend more time at the boyfriend's house. And in 6 months time what will the argument against it be then? Can you pretend to really, really like the boyfriend to put her off him and dump him

Tortington · 03/07/2009 19:30

right sorry - i see they are having sex - i think "it's illegal" would be my standpoint

and please tell your dd - that her BF could get into serious trouble if they were reported and he was arrested - he could be put on the sex offenders register - and ridic ulous as it may seem - he could be banned from going into many many careers of choice.

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Gingerly · 03/07/2009 19:31

I think you have to be true to yourself. Also I always think how this would look if reported ( worst case scnario) in a tabloid If omething happened that was news worthy

"Mrs Tearinghairout(43) would let her UNDERAGE daughter stay overnight with her bf depsite her being under the age of consent"

etc

aGalChangedHerName · 03/07/2009 19:31

Ds1 has been told that if he and gf split up there will be no other girls allowed to stay until it is a serious relationship. EG at least 6 months.

I never thought i'd be the kind of mum who allowed it but when it came down to it outside/in mates houses was not what i was comfortable with. Ds1 and i are v close and he still tells me everything.

Not sure i will allow ds2 the same freedoms. Will depend on whteher he matures like ds1.

lljkk · 03/07/2009 19:38

Custardo's point about Lad getting himself onto Sex Off. Register is very good one, I'd go with that as Why Not: you can't be seen as condoning him taking that risk.

What will be the special celebration thing they get to do when they are both 16, since by then sleeping around at each other's won't be that special any more, will it? That'd be my other point to her.

We adults know that the chances of this relationship lasting another year are low, the chances of it lasting a whole lifetime are virtually nil. Keep that in mind, whatever you say to her.

Gingerly · 03/07/2009 19:39

Wel tbh custardos point is not that good as he wouldnt be prosecuted for that.

QuintessentialShadow · 03/07/2009 19:49

His parents are probably fine with it because they will not have to face the consequences of a pregnant son.

They dont even have to consider teen pregnancy. They may use this as a way of rewarding his "staying power" and "committability", so might have their own agenda in this. I am a little at the parents making such a big deal about this anniversary.

I had sex prior to 16. But my parents never allowed any boy to stay over at my house till after I was 16. And then, we were not allowed to sleep in the same bed. He slept in my room, and me in the guest room. It was up to me when I retired to sleep in the guest room.

It is right that spending the night together in the same bed invites a whole new level of intimacy. Maybe caution will be thrown to the wind. Maybe they run out of condoms and think "what the heck". Maybe he wants sex more than she, or the other way around, and one of them tried to "persuade" the other. Heck, the night is young. Your girl might feel obliged to do things that she in uncomfortable with. And she will be in somebody elses house, and it is night. While she may be mature enough to cope with "the odd stolen fumble and shag", she might not have the emotional maturity to handle staying the night.

And until you have discussed with his parents, I dont think any staying over should be encouraged. You dont even know that they HAVE discussed it with his parents and that she really IS invited.
For all you know it is a case of them telling his parents "yeah sure, Lindas parents are fine with it, in fact they asked if we wanted to"

Tortington · 03/07/2009 20:00

ah yes i see they are both underage.
No need to put it quite like that though gingerly

as they are both under age i assume it is you who is in the position of trust. and therefore would be prosecuted if they did it in your home

Tortington · 03/07/2009 20:05

"If two under-age teenagers have sex it is illegal but the law is not widely enforced and usually the Crown stops proceedings on the grounds of public interest

— If parents are aware of their under-age children having sex, they could theoretically risk prosecution for aiding and abetting unlawful intercourse"

from this article in the times -www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/article5728807.ece

Gingerly · 03/07/2009 20:33

no sorry
it came out blunter than intended

fete related hangover

Original poster

tearinghairout · 03/07/2009 21:11

Er yes, Custy that link is extremely helpful TBH I don't give a stuff about the law in this case. If someone were forced into it, yes it is relevant. But this is about maturity and two young people who love one another. In some countries I'd be looking at finding her a husband. I don't think the Law is relevant in this case tbh - unless of course I decide to use it in my favour!

Actually I did say this to her once, that the law is there to protect her and was she sure that everything was what she wanted, not being pressured into anything etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

tearinghairout · 03/07/2009 21:17

I think the stuff you've mentioned about Tabloids and sex Offenders Registers is total scaremongering crap. If he was 50 and not 15 it might be relevant, sorry. And I don't want them to - what was it? "shag in a bush". Yeah, nice. Classy.

OP posts:

Original poster

tearinghairout · 03/07/2009 21:19

But I'm going to say No because, yes, I'm - we're - not happy with the further level of intimacy. So thanks.

OP posts:

Yurtgirl · 03/07/2009 21:24

I wouldnt be worrying so much about the illegal bit

More the possibility that she might get pregnant........

A pregnant teenage daughter is not on my christmas list
Neither do I want my son to get a girl pregnant until he is old enough to support her

aGalChangedHerName · 03/07/2009 21:31

Agree Yurtgirl. My ds and his gf had slept together 2x with a condom but were scared that gf might get pg. Gf approached me about contraception and i pointed them in the direction of her mum/GP/Family planning clinic and she had the implant.

So no PG here

wonderingwondering · 03/07/2009 21:33

The pregnancy risk is what I thought when reading the thread - his parents paying for them to go out to dinner just underlined how young they are. What if she did fall pregnant? There is a difference between knowing what is going on and actively encouraging/normalising it.

That sounds harsher than I mean it to. But that is, I think, the reality. They are school children and emotionally and financially incapable of managing an adult relationship - with the risk of pregnancy and so on that brings.

noddyholder · 03/07/2009 21:39

I think the grounds for saying no are its your house and you don't feel ready to allow that level of intimacy in your home.As they are already having sex and assuming they use protection will you let them when they are 16?

aGalChangedHerName · 03/07/2009 21:42

His parents should be talking to you before asking/allowing her to stay over imo. The fact that they haven't speaks volumes

Gingerly · 04/07/2009 12:44

a bit brusqe tearinghairout

You did ask...

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 04/07/2009 12:50

I don't see that sleeping in the same bed is more intimate than having sex but that is just my opinion.

I would say no. It is illegal.

Original poster

tearinghairout · 04/07/2009 18:24

Ok peeps - update.

I've taken a deep breath & phoned the mum. She understood and agreed completely with what I said - she has a younger dd - and we have reached a compromise: DD will stay over and sleep in BF's sister's bedroom, as fortuitously sis is away. As for repeat episodes, we will cross that bridge when they are 16.

Sorry about brusqueness - was PMT I think. Also it was obvious some people hadn't read the OP, (didn't know they were underage) in which case, without all the info how can you pronounce judgement?

I know that they are using condoms, and as I said, I've had several chats with DD to make sure it's EVERY time, and wash hands to ge rid of any 'fluid' etc. As they are also told at school & youth club. Things have moved on in the info dept. since we were all at school - I remember watching a school info film and coming away with the impression that you could get pregnant if a man touched your leg!

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 04/07/2009 20:10

Custy was trying to help and she said exactly what I said. If people give you advice on your thread, don't you think it would be better to thank them for the time they put into answering it rather than having a go at them with the face? FWIW I think that face is really bloody rude and deserves a good slapping.

Yurtgirl · 04/07/2009 20:18

I still think they are way too young for you to basically encourage them to have sex

If she ends up pregnant I will find it very difficult to be sympathetic

At 16 I reckon orienteering in the woods would be more life enhancing than sex and a future pregnancy/std sorry

QuintessentialShadow · 04/07/2009 20:18

I agree with Rhubarb. Custy did take the time to offer her advice. Some appreciation of people taking the time to post, even if you dont agree with or find the advice useful, wont go amiss. It is not exactly polite to have a go at people trying to advise.

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