Are we all spoiling our children and letting them be the boss?

[myhandslooksoold]

Hello
I am usually a lurker on mumsnet (sorry!) but for the first time in 4 years I'm driven to start a post!
A couple of things have started to 'niggle' about the way I am bringing up my children (DD4, DS3) To be honest, I think many families have the same issues but are in varying states of awareness about this!

When I look around the DC's bedrooms and around the house I feel a sense of panic about how much stuff they have. Then they eat half their dinner and then say "Is this enough to eat so I can have pudding?" and then they seem to have 'treats' of some form or another constantly- it's drip, drip, drip of presents and new toys all the time from me, Daddy, family and friends.

Then today I went to my friends house and the kids were doled out constant treats of ice lollies, biscuits etc etc. She is my best friend but I am starting to feel like we can't be together with the children because her children are so spoiled- constant daytrips, snacks, lollies and so so many toys- her kids are really horrible and I wonder whether this is the reason.

Then I spoke to my other friend this evening (who by comparison to my BF is really strict on treats) and she said she did not want any presents for her son's birthday because he has too many toys (although I think he doesn't have that much). She made me reflect on the way I treat my children and I admire her because she has the courage of her convictions to say this despite the inevitable complaints from her son.

So all this happens and it has got me thinking....
I think I want to change tack on the way the kids are brought up. I think I am pretty good as a mum- consistent, firm, loving (still prone to tempers, screaming and all the usual stuff however!) but I feel 'victim' to the pressure to get the kids all the 'kit', invite the whole class to a birthday party at the soft play centre (instead of inviting 5 friends over for afternoon tea which I would prefer) etc.

I'm waffling here, I guess what I'm asking for your opinion on is should WE all be concerned about our 'soft' parenting that this generation of children seems to be receiving? Do we all need to be a bit more like my 'stricter' friend?

indeed!

Have we briefly crossed-posts before?

I won't tell anyone about your posts if you don't tell about mine!

I totally agree Banoffi my 3(5,5 and 4) have the best most amazing games when they improvise(they spent hours packing an old battered suitcase to go on holiday with round the garden) I spent my whole 70s childhood doing it. I suspect they get the Playmobil more for me than them .

However my lot have various bits from various themes eg a castle,the beach,dinosaurs,fire engine,train etc. They mix and match with other wooden toys and I've been amazed at their level of play. The teeny bits extend it.

Ds spent ages playing with the tiny Playmobil lizard in it's microscopic collecting box looking for new creatures to add to it,he being an explorer in dinosaur times. Ds also had a lovely Brio windwill he used to produce barrels of flour to deliver,having collected grain from his farm. Yes he'd have done some delivering himself but quality toys can spark imagination further in ways they might not have thought of. I am a firm believer in improvised play but I also believe play with quality toys has a big place to play. If it didn't pre-schools would save a fortune.

I can remember desperately wanting a dolls house yes I improvised with shoe boxes but I would have enjoyed improvisation in a different way,made Xmas decorations for it out of junk etc. My dd does both she sets her dollshouse on fire for the Playmobil fire engine to put out but she's forever making buildings with boxes too. One doesn't totally exclude the other if handled right.

Sorry I just find the whole play thing fascinating

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Exactly

Do you know, I think fewer toys encourages that glorious play that is generated when one world (dinosaur playmobil, say) meets another (eg, the dolls house). Enter dinosaur ramaging through the city (or a nice cosy cave for them to live in). I think that the big sets of stuff that you are 'meant' to play with together (huge trainsets, for example) have much less exploration potential...

I suspect with fewer toys there is less pressure to tidy up one 'set' before you get out the next.

Most of the toys in our house are second hand or from charity shops. Ditto clothes. My DS1 isn't very materialistic and isn't into things as such. My parents took him to Toysrus with a blank cheque so to speak for his birthday and he came back with a hula hoop.

Oh dear...am now convinced I need to buy DS some Playmobil.

You do

Actually, I'm a big fan of children not getting too many toys but Playmobil is totally brilliant because it doesn't actually DO anything. You have to do it all yourself. DD is 2.9 and has adored Playmobil since last summer. Some of the bits are too fiddly for her to work but it doesn't stop her Playmobil mummy and baby flying to the shops on a see-saw and buying magic beer for daddy and the squirrels. Plus, I really laugh when she's got all her Playmobil people in the house and the mummy says to the baby 'It is time to go to sleep. Don't cry. No, I said don't cry. Mummies and babies all have to go to sleep and you will be very miserable in the morning if you haven't had enough sleep' etc etc.

Playmobil kicks arse

In moderation of course

Fascinating reading esp Banoffi's very intellectual post a page ago.
Can you believe I ended up missing all this debate because yesterday my DD fell off the slide at nursery and broke her arm. Spent all day in casualty with her- she was totally amazing and I was so proud of her.
The temptation is to now spoil her rotten while she recovers. I nearly gave her the £1 change out of the parking machine when we came home but resisted and gave her lots of cuddles and love instead.

Great thread! This inspired me to have a good clear out with the dcs today and freecycle a load of old tat stuff. It feels very liberating! Also changed the furniture round for easier access to all things Playmobil, and had to laugh at the thread about the dinosaurs antics as we had a king and queen on their way to a wedding in a carriage being abducted by pirates and taken hostage on a pirate ship, made to walk the plank then eaten by a pterodactyl in the palace lake :D So agree about Playmobil being the thing to keep if you're keeping anything

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Banoffi you can't do anything about other people. I know it feels bad to use the vouchers on necessities, but won't they benefit child more and wasn't that the giver's aim? I have a similar issue with a very generous grandma (and dd does only have one grandparent, so I thikn she feels obliged to work doubletime) plus dh's family tend to got nuts at Xmas especially and pretty lavish on birthdays too. I don't always tell them to hold back, as I know they do this for her cousins too and it feels like I'm disadvantaging her against them. However, I am trying to encourage money now: SIL did that with hers and I just thought her dds were really mercenary from a young age - now I know better! At least then you can buy one thing with it and stick the rest away for later, when they really know what they want. So far, DD has only known once and she bought herself a DSLite - she's a bit young at 7 imo but other family are all a long way off so lots of long car journeys, so I thought it was a good idea.

Tell me how you get on: I reckon she'll have another s**tload of stuff this Xmas and no space for thes tuff she's got now