Are we all spoiling our children and letting them be the boss?

[myhandslooksoold]

Hello
I am usually a lurker on mumsnet (sorry!) but for the first time in 4 years I'm driven to start a post!
A couple of things have started to 'niggle' about the way I am bringing up my children (DD4, DS3) To be honest, I think many families have the same issues but are in varying states of awareness about this!

When I look around the DC's bedrooms and around the house I feel a sense of panic about how much stuff they have. Then they eat half their dinner and then say "Is this enough to eat so I can have pudding?" and then they seem to have 'treats' of some form or another constantly- it's drip, drip, drip of presents and new toys all the time from me, Daddy, family and friends.

Then today I went to my friends house and the kids were doled out constant treats of ice lollies, biscuits etc etc. She is my best friend but I am starting to feel like we can't be together with the children because her children are so spoiled- constant daytrips, snacks, lollies and so so many toys- her kids are really horrible and I wonder whether this is the reason.

Then I spoke to my other friend this evening (who by comparison to my BF is really strict on treats) and she said she did not want any presents for her son's birthday because he has too many toys (although I think he doesn't have that much). She made me reflect on the way I treat my children and I admire her because she has the courage of her convictions to say this despite the inevitable complaints from her son.

So all this happens and it has got me thinking....
I think I want to change tack on the way the kids are brought up. I think I am pretty good as a mum- consistent, firm, loving (still prone to tempers, screaming and all the usual stuff however!) but I feel 'victim' to the pressure to get the kids all the 'kit', invite the whole class to a birthday party at the soft play centre (instead of inviting 5 friends over for afternoon tea which I would prefer) etc.

I'm waffling here, I guess what I'm asking for your opinion on is should WE all be concerned about our 'soft' parenting that this generation of children seems to be receiving? Do we all need to be a bit more like my 'stricter' friend?

Agree with a lot of the points on the availability of material possessions here, and how, as parents, we need to lead by example and reject rampant and tacky consumerism, as well as being sensible with regards to the amount of stuff accumulated in various ways by our children.

I find the outings / trips point more difficult, however. DD is 17 months old, and I find it a lot better to go out with her (only at weekends, as I work FT) than to stay in with her at the moment; she adores playparks, zoos etc, and likes running around in the fresh air above all else; is this spoiling her? Should I keep her at home more? We also take her out to lunch in cafes a lot; she's probably already eaten out more often than I did in my whole childhood

Is this bad, or is this a good opporuntity for the family all to enjoy a meal together?

DD and I have a lot of outings - I hate staying in all day even more than she does! That isn't going to change.

Erm - how would your best friend feel hearing you think her kids are horrible?

And to deny a child birthday presents is unkind in my opinion.

You don't have to buy toys all year round - just say 'well if you are lucky maybe you will get it for birthday/christmas' but don't deny a kid a birthday present.

Also if you have too many toys say you are having a clear up and taking baby toys to the charity shop so that other babies, less fortunate that your children, can get to play with them.

When they are old enough make them do chores for pocket money and then get a paper round and tell them they have to put 50% away into their trust funds for when they go to university - they will learn the value of money and saving.

It's hard though wrt material things isn't it? I was living abroad when I got pregnant with dd and my friends there gave me a baby shower before I left. Seriously, my entire baggage allowance coming back was baby clothes. Then two of my friends AND two of my cousins gave me hand me downs-sack fulls of stuff. I have only ever had to buy dd pyjamas and shoes (although I have bought her a few things just because I wanted to).

DS didn't get quite as many hand me downs but still has more than enough clothes-both my dc have clothes stuffed into their drawers and that is with me regularly clearing out and passing bag fulls of stuff on to charity/other friends.

We hardly buy the dc toys but still have an entire room stuffed full of them-they just get so much at christmas and birthdays even though we ask people not to buy. They don't get them inbetween-if they do get a treat it will be a book or stickers (oh and once we bought a ball).

My friend's 6 year old has an ipod ffs and is getting a computer for her birthday. She already has a tv/dvd in her room and shelves full of dvds. I don't want my kids to be like that.

Interesting thread.

I know what you mean. I am v fussy about toys too but definitely not anti plastic. I love tasteful wooden toys but I've managed to steer the dc also towards Playmobil and Sylvanian Families so hideously expensive you get bugger all which suits me .

I don't buy Bratz,Polly Pocket, etc etc because they are so badly made for the price and I hate the shopping mall,celebrity message thing they convey but I would never confiscate- ok maybe I would if a Bratz came on the scene. To be honest I think it's about valuing things.

The kids have collected a lot of Playmobil now but it's all stored in Trofast boxes away and they play with it respectfully. I would confiscate toys if they weren't played with properly ie broken but thankfully this hasn't been a problem. They play beautifully with everything.

I do worry that they have too much but there are just too many gorgeous toys around. I do think I should just bank money given to them for Xmas presents as they have enough toys between all 3 to keep them amused for hours but then I see things like the Playmobil camper van complete with mini picnic set .......

I buy masses of books and art stuff ,just bought them a lovely Djeco paint palette each for the hols which is probably not right but I buy zero toys, all year round they only have what they have at Xmas and bdays.

Re snacks they have occasional treats as I don't want teeth rotting, obese kids and they know they can have treats but not daily.

Re trips out I'm happy to do educational things but hate soft play and Crealy type places. My kids are probably spoilt in that they hang out on the beach most weeks and we take them to the woods,moor every weekend. My mother thinks they're spoilt in that respect but it's all free so who knows.

Re the McDonalds toys my lot had a lovely gorilla in a book which explained about extinction, they learnt loads and loved them. They really cherished them as we never go to McDonalds-my mother was trying to corrupt them

It's funny I had a very strict 70s childhood and my mother is the worst person on the planet for spoiling-sprinkle doughnuts,sweets,TV etc. She and mil are good with toys though, never buy mid year just the occasional T-shirt or book.

It is a very interesting line of thought has got me thinking.

Oh re being the boss, there is only one boss in the house and that's me

I've no idea if that's right though probably not, I'm sure there will be a book somewhere saying it's not.

Gosh some of you are a harsh lot!

When you get a well argued thread like this - don't you just know what's going to happen. What's the betting that a very similar argument appears in the Sunday papers? .

Wreck there is nothing wrong with going out every weekend and enjoying the fresh air, I definately don't tihnk that would count as spoiling children. Howver, if every excursion involved going somewhere that involved an entrance fee, a gift shop and numerous other oportunities to rob you of your money then I would say that was excessive and unnecesary.

If getting out of the house means a trip to the park, countryside, or other places that don't cost money there is nothing wrong with that. Fresh air and space to run around in the open are good for children, especially if it doesn't involve them being 'entertained', but rather finding their own entertainment.

We have no garden. As a result I spend as much time as possible outside with DS, especially on the weekends. We pack a picnic, get on our bikes and visit a new park/common/wood each week. It is great fun and cheap too.

Message withdrawn

I find the waiting until Christmas or birthday complicated, though. DD was born in November. If she only gets big presents in November and December, the rest of the year is awfully long. Right now she needs a new scooter, for example.

I justify buying big things at other times on the basis that I need to get things for DD when it is developmentally appropriate for her to have them.

Having said that, she got a desk for her bedroom for her 4th birthday and Christmas - a combined present from her parents and four grandparents. Since she hardly got any toys then, she can have them during the year.

And she's having the matching wardrobe for this year's birthday and Christmas! So I shall just carry on with my system

I find that 'rewards' for acheiving are useful. All my 3 have been promised something that they have been longing for if they have good end of year reports. And I will admit that that is largely because I want an excuse to give them these things, rather than them needing a reward as such for good work.

The really fab thing about furniture for birthdays is that there is less mess in their bedrooms afterwards than before .

I'm Swedish so I get to do namedays too

great for spreading the present buying out a bit

though you only get something small for your nameday

I think this thread title sounds like a newspaper article!

Have I been on MN too long? I must have.

That's true Anna, it's ok for dd but ds' birthday is in December so it's an awfully long time for him to wait (he's still too young to know or care now but I can see it being an issue as he gets older).

We got DD a bed for Christmas when she was 18 months old-DS was going to need the cot at some point after that so wanted her to get used to the idea of the bed in good time.

It reminds me that when mine were young that we used to browse around toy shops if we were at a loose end sometimes, in the same way that we used to browse around pet shops, we had no intention of buying anything and the DCs had no expectation that we would and so it never caused a problem.
I would never ever hold out buying something for achieving something, although we might celebrate afterwards with a special meal. It is very sad if they are promised it and then they fail to achieve.

I agree with your OP, could have written it myself : ( I have a house full of toys and tat that is rarely played with, preferring to take the kids out to the playground than stay at home.

Same with food "treats".. DD doesn´t even LIKE the usual chocolate, sweets etc. her friends invariably get on each outing, but takes them unenthusiastically and they end up on the ground. Sociual pressure to be the same..

There is no relationship between having lots of toys and degree of happiness, perhaps even an INVERSE relationship.

Thanks for this thread, I´m off to put some toys int he cupboard!