Unconditional Parenting in a nutshell (I know this is incredibly lazy)

[SuperBunny]

I am embarrassed to do this but I haven't been able to read the book and need some quick Dos and Don'ts til I can get hold of the book again.

I have read some of the old threads but was really hoping that some nice person could give me a couple of bullet points about unconditional parenting.

I will be very grateful.

Piscesmoon -

Totally agree pisces.I don't think it is conducive to being able to fit in in some situations.I don't think they only feel valued by praise but it a contributor.It is dangerously tipping into pc gone mad territory

Ok, I agree with you Juuule - but I would worry if a child or adult was needing praise in order to do anything or feel any good at all, which can happen when you're brought up with being praised for all good behaviour and have had bad behaviour ignored or punished.

flamingobingo - so how do you get someone to improve if you don't let them know when something is crap?

noddy it's not about PC at all. You need to read the book before commenting, I think, because you're coming at this from the wrong angle.

Juule, yes, the not sticking to the solution is a fairly recent thing. Perhaps to do with being a 6 yr old boy. I feel there is definitely some 'testing' going on. School does rewards and punishments, so perhaps he wants to see whether I'll punish him if he pushes me far enough?

But how do you know how someone will turn out til you've tried it?This seems a newish idea so no way of knowing it works.Most of us have the brain to know the difference between praise and ott praise.There are plenty of well balanced happy secure adults who were brought up the more 'traditional' way.

Do any of you have teenagers who have been parented this way?What are they like?Because i think any parenting would have a job when the hormones kick in.

Not new at al, Noddy. There are also plenty of horrible adults who were brought up the more 'traditional' way, and some very unbalanced and depressed ones too.

And as a child, your emotions are far too immature to understand the nuances of various sorts of praise!

I parent teens in a mostly UP way.
I think that for me UP is questioning your own motives for things rather than taking as the first option 'I'm the parent and I say so' although this may come in later depending on circumstances. But they would have to be extreme circumstances for me to invoke that.

I am more of a UPer (if we're labelling) than TCS. Although a lot of TCS suggestions are very helpful in reviewing approaches to situations. BUT I still maintain the parent as the backstop. I think there are situations that arise that need an executive decision on what does or doesn't happen and as the more experienced people in the family, the parents have the final say in those situations.

juule I get your approach here but don't understand how a child can be too emotionally immature for one method of parenting but not another.Looking at the website i think my ds has had an elememt of this but in the end our decision is usually final becuase as you say we are more experienced in life.Interesting though.I do think a lot of people parent this nway without labelling it

Noddyholder - I parented this way for years and felt that I was a bit out of step with everybody else who generally expounded the virtues of parenting in the Supernanny style.

When I found AKs book and read it, I spent most of the time thinking 'exactly' and it also helped me to bring into focus a lot of the things I was already doing and expand on them.
Reading AKs stuff also helped me to understand certain things that I felt uncomfortable with in the education system.

If I make an unpopular decision with my teens I tell them that they will thank me when they are older! I think they will.
I am open to discussion and reason but there are times when you just have to say 'no'.
I was actually quite pleased as a teen when my mother sometimes said 'no'. Sometimes it was something I didn't really want to do as I found it a bit scary and it was much easier to say that I wasn't allowed and have a bit of a moan (being secretly quite pleased that it let me off the hook!). They still need boundries.
It is all a question of letting go but it needs to be gradual.
You can't be a best friend to your DC- and they can find plenty of those anyway-you are the parent and unique! You can't always be popular.

Am def v anti supernanny naughty step type parenting but have never found a situation where something that extreme would have been useful.I think I will have a look at it.My ds is 14 now so no need to change just interested as have a dfriend who is really struggling and is going down the supernanny route with no progress at all in fact think her dd is worse with it!and v confused it seems.Will take a look.

Juule, yes, the not sticking to the solution is a fairly recent thing. Perhaps to do with being a 6 yr old boy. I feel there is definitely some 'testing' going on. School does rewards and punishments, so perhaps he wants to see whether I'll punish him if he pushes me far enough?

I think my parenting has become naturally more UP like as mine has grown older. So did my parents'. And no doubt my grandparents'.

Not because of any special philosophy, just because it makes more sense to have more discussions and leave more decision making to people who are mature. And I do enjoy discussions with my pre-teens, they're great fun.

When they were little, I felt responsible. If their teeth rotted, it was my responsibility. If they didn't go for the eye test and their eye sight deteriorated, it was my responsibility. I couldn't, just couldn't turn round now to my 12-yo and say, yes it's tough that your teeth are bad/your squint never was corrected/you had horrendous chilblains when you were 4, but it was your own choice. Because I know she would now blame me and think that was unfair. (I grew up in Sweden where being allowed to go out without appropriate gear would probably mean that a few of my fingers and toes would be missing by now). However, I am more inclined to let her take the consequences of her own actions now.

Also, I am less tired now. Older children are less tiring. And personally I think it is perfectly ok to make the occasional decision simply because Mummy is tired and doing it your way will make Mummy even more tired.

A lot of the time the consequences of their actions are suffered not by the children themselves but by other people. A child who has slept in the same smelly clothes for the last week may be as happy as can be, but other people may not. A child who likes throwing stones is not going to be popular- but they may be having a whale of a time.

Peer pressure is a powerful enough influence on my 12yo to keep her a pleasant sight/smell to other people. It means she is considerate to other people. She is mature enough to feel empathy with other people and try to make their lives more pleasant. But that didn't work when she was 4. Doesn't mean I think other people should have been inconvenienced.

I also insist on things like a 7yo offering their seat to the old arthritic lady on the bus (after I've already given up mine to the pregnant mum); her aching joints won't care if the child is doing it for the wrong or the right reasons; she just needs a seat. Some things just need to be done.

You can't expect to always be popular, that's very true.
I have found that with being open to my children's opinions and taking them seriously and seeing if we can accommodate them in any way that life as a family is much nicer. It's a much better way than having my own mental plan/view of things and being mostly unswayable in my ideas and imposing my will on the children.
Because they are listened to they do trust the whys and whatfors of what you are asking of them and listen more to what you suggest.

I think that 'supernanny' only comes in when the situation is desperate. The DCs in the programme are actually very unhappy and the style of parenting that has led up to it has been damaging. I don't think it is a good idea to have it on TV when they want the behaviour to be very poor. A lot of what she does is very good, e.g she always tries to get the parents to have fun with the DCs and spend time with them. Unfortunately the part that comes across most is 'the naughty step'. If you have had your DCs from birth you shouldn't need to use it. I try and stick to the positive and ignore the negative as much as possible. Sometimes when they were small I would go into another room-count to ten-go back and start again!

Tbh I've found that my 4yos can be very empathetic if things are explained to them.

Totally agree with cory here.

I suspect a lot of us are probably in some middle camp.

I have been known to use the step- very rarely- but still find myself shocked at some threads at MN where parenting seems to totally revolve around naughty step/confiscating things etc, to the extent where you feel some parents are only giving their los presents to have something to punish them through later on.

Also, sometimes a bit about parents whose children are never allowed to question any decisions.

My take is more, you are allowed to question, it doesn't worry me, but at the end of the day, if I think something is important enough, the responsibility is mine and I will enforce the rule.

Some people just seem terrified of losing control. I think I tend to assume that the cards are stacked in my favour anyway: I am older, bigger (though dd has nearly caught up ), I'm the one with the bank balance and the experience and the backing of society.

I agree, Juuule. I've never had a problem asking my children to do things out of kindness to others so never been in a situation where I feel they really ought to do something but won't do it unless I force them.

And I'm not trying to be popular, or their best friend. I don't try and follow TCS or UP or anything because of me, but because I think it's best for my children - to see them as people equal to me, with feelings, and possessions, and desires as important as mine.

Definitely, the more I lose sight of my TCS ideas, the more stressful family life becomes, and the more I find my children make irrational decisions. They are much more pleasant people when they feel genuinely respected and trusted.

yes, you are right juule; they can be empathetic at times. but dd at least was often very contrary; some children are naturally strong willed and they are not going to want to stop in mid-flow and consider that they might be giving grandma a headache, or that they are likely to break little brother's favourite toy; she was also prone to hitting and kicking tantrums, and would get into such a state that she couldn't listen

I have never had a problem asking my dcs to do something out of kindness- but they haven't always complied

ds is an extremely noisy little boy, who finds it hard to keep volume down- you can ask him 10 times to stop yelling and he will remember for about 10 seconds

dd was very temperamental and did sometimes want to hurt people

she was very stressed and jealous with her little brother- so kindness simply wasn't something she wanted to do; gently asking her to be kind to little brother just made her more stressed

The bank balance is all powerful as they get older!