Is my snobbery hindering my son's development? Long.....

[GiddyGirl]

Not sure if I have posted in the right section. Bit of background. I moved from London to a new area 6 months ago and was pregnant when I got here - I since had DS and he is 3 months old. Apart from DH's family, I don't know anyone at all and I hate it here. I miss my friends, I miss work, and I miss the hustle and bustle of London - I now live in a village. I also live very close to DH's family and have realised - well, it has been confirmed -that I have very little in common with them. They talk about eastenders like it is real, they don't watch the news, they don't read books.

In an attempt to try and settle here, I took DS to a local baby group. But again, found that I have little in common with the mums there - they are all about 10 years younger than me for a start, don't have careers, married early, all they ever wanted was kids. They seem nice, but I struggle to make conversation with them unless it's about babies - I don't want to talk about babies all the time though. The one time we have talked about anything else - holidays - one girl said " oh no, we've never been abroad, we like Great Yarmouth." Which is up to her, but why did I feel myself turning my nose up at it. I am totally pissed off with myself because I want DS to mix with other babies in preparation for him starting nursery in 6 months, and I want to get to know people too but I feel like I pick holes in them as soon as I look at them - like their clothes, or their hair or the way their babies are dressed (tracksuits for example). I feel so guilty and am asking myself, if I can't mix, how is that going to be good for DS' development. I haven't been to baby group in a week and feel like a terribly bad mother holding my DS back because I'm a stuck up cow.

You want a 3m old baby to start mixing with other babies? Babies don't need a social life! They need their mum!

You are a snob, and you would probably hate me, but I don't care , however, don't worry that you're hindering your DS's development. He'll be fine, and before long he'll be old enough for snobby 'teach your son Italian ready for his first holiday to Venice' and then you can mix with nice rich career Mummies (or their DC's Nannies).

You sound like you are trying to bolster your self-esteem by looking down your nose at other people (on an unconscious level obv)

Many reasons - having a first child, body changing, moving to a new area. Lots of reasons for your confidence to have taken a knock there.

Obviously you don't want to spend all your time hanging out with people 10 years younger than you though. I would try and think of them as human beings who may come form a differnet background to you or who choose to live in a slightly different way to you for whatever reason. I mean, there is nothing wrong with liking holidaying in the uk. In fact some may say it is the most sensible and sound thing to do given the economic and environmental impact of travel.

Surely there must be some other people of your age around with babies and ex-careers and an interest in jet setting

It's very easy to find fault when you're not happy in the first place, it sort of confirms and justifies it iyswim. You're going to have to bite the bullet, but I think you know that I had similar - we moved from a city to a rural area, different country so another difference between me and other mums, totally different upbringing and background. Neither better than the other, but really tricky to find things to talk about. I just accepted that when I meet with mums here we talk about babies mostly, perhaps about a few local issues but that's it. I keep in touch with friends from home and come on here if I want a real conversation, or bore the pants off dh!

Don't worry, it's also part of homesickness a bit to take time to settle in, but it'll happen and you'll find your level without losing your marbles or your conversatonal skills

GWS fair point, but I think mums need company rather than babes at that age

I don't think you're doing your son any harm but you're not doing yourself any favours. If you are going to have any kind of social life in your new home you need to get over yourself.
Are there any other kind of social gatherings you could try? Book clubs, sports groups, anything like that?

Kitbit, I'm extremely homesick. I don't mean to offend anyone, and like I said, these girls are nice. I just have very little in common with them.

Yes, I agree kitbit.

What about NCT, Giddygirl? You may find some career mums there!

You are a snob but I think you know that already. Perhaps you should consider moving to a new area or joining groups where you are more likely to mix with like-minded people.

I can understand wanting to be with people who you share interests with and feel comfortable with. If you enjoy trekking in Outer Mongolia and your peers find Great Yarmouth exotic you may struggle to find common ground. However you don't sound open and approachable enough to make friends, you are picking holes in their clothes and the way they are dressed and you obviously feel that you are far superior to them. Too be honest I'm surprised they even give you the time of day.

If you want to make friends you need to have a serious look at your personality and stop making judgements or move to a middle class commuter town where you can make friends with fellow boden wearers.

I think your behaviour is a symptom of your unhappiness. Are you forced to remain where you are? Is your husband set on it? Are you so unhappy that you can't see yourself staying there?

my partner moved up here from london when i was 20wks pregnant. He said he'd literally never felt as middle class (he's from the wiltshire countryside and he lives in what looks like to him-coronation street) he had to make friends up here as he had none-and now,after a few years he's managed to find common ground with enough people to be able to have a 'lads night out' although at first they were no more than the husbands of the people who i had met at antenatal-some of whom i have 'shed'as the time's gone on and some i've kept and we've grown close.the baby is a starting point and an easy way to socialise.
Ask your health visitor, look up the nct,join something spendy so you can hang out with other rich people. Or try surestart,it's full of the middle class mummies up here rather than the people it pertains to support.

You don't have to make life long friends with them in order to have a bit of banter at M&T group, some 'mum' company now and then and some little friends for your baby (although at 3 mths old, I think you're being a bit premature about the friends thing!).

I have to ask - why did you leave London and move to a village? Mad woman!

LOL at 'Eastenders is real'

You know its really hard moving area and having a baby. These are real upheavals and take some time to adjust to.

There's nothing wrong in admitting you dont have anything in common with the people you have met so far. Why should you ?

How does your DH feel ? Have you talked about this to him ? Is there anybody at his work that he could arrange for you to meet up with ? A bit cringey I know But I made a really good friend with the wife of someone DH worked with.

Keep your chin up !

Sorry for the spelling mistakes and typos. Judge away and put me in the category of Great Yarmouth holiday maker if you wish.

No, it is hard, and I think you've been admirably honest, and so don't deserve a flaming. I've been there (and am still there!) and wouldn't have been as honest about it as you.

Countess Dracula is right, though, there's a lot more to it. It's almost impossible to work out who you are yourself with a 3m old baby, and difficult to accept the loss of the person you once were. That alone makes it hard to relate to people. I've been a SAHM in the country (well, small town) for 2 years now, and I still sometimes want to run out in the streets going "Don't you know who I AM? What I Used to DO?' But I don't. Much.

And it is bloody hard to find people you like even when you do try. We moved over a year ago and I realised the other day that I could - without a qualm - up sticks and move to another town a hundred miles away tomorrow as there is nothing holding me here.

And baby group is irrelevant. Try and do as much as you can while DS is small and portable - go exploring, go for walks and into stately homes, find out what this new place is like. Do things for yourself, that will make you feel better too.

For so long the people you meet have been selected - by work, by common interests, whatever - and so you're likely to have something in common with them. Now all you have in common is that you've had a baby at the same time. It's like being back at school, and the reality is that it will take ages to find a few people you really like. If indeed you do at all.

I now have a few mums I see regularly - and for a while I didn't really like them at all. But after a while I realised that it was OK for them to be different, and we didn't have to be best mates or anything, and so I do now have a social life.

But do join the NCT. It's not an ideal organisation, but it does act as the local middle class sorting group - plus if you go to evening meetings, you actually get to meet people and talk to them without interruption, it does help a lot.

My DH lost his job so we had to sell up. He has since got a new job but on much less pay. We couldn't afford to live in London on my wage alone.

You are fixing too much on your differences and not focussing on the things that unite you.
I wonder if you are actually concerned about liking them as you think it would reflect badly on you - you would rather be a snob than risk other people thinking that you are just like them....

I have always thought that the upper class people I know - as opposed to the anxious aspiring middleclass ones can genuinely talk to anyone so perhaps you should try and think of this as being aspirational .

FWIW. I think it takes some courage and self awareness to admit to these foibles and weaknesses . But as you have done so try now to overcome them.
These women are just like you - new mums. Let your anxiety go.

Would you like me to send your little one a track suit?

I want you to name and shame the village.

I think people are being harsh on the OP.

She is being honest here - because its an internet forum - its not like she's saying it to them in ral life.

its really difficult moving from London to a more rural area and of course you want to be friends with people who are more like you, share interests and aspirations etc. People do gravitiate to others who are like them, and its difficult finding you have nothing in common.

is the move a permanent one? have you bought your house? can you compromise and move to somewhere more suitable???

I sympathise. i have also moved from london to the country in search of a better life, and miss the buzz of the big city, and the fact that people are always doing something intersting (or at least what i find interesting). I've met some lovely people, but they are definitely more country types than me, so i suspect we will be moving to a city soonish.

i am sympathising with her totally.
i met a million people when i had dd2-about 4 of them are still on my Xmas card list 18mths later, the rest i am civil with and will chat to in passing but friends? never...it's not easy

I think you are being treated rather harshly too.

Please do not dwell on these negative comments.

Admitting there is a problem is half way to solving it.

Actually I think most posters have applauded her honesty and have tried to suggest things to help.

I don't think the general/overall response has been harsh at all !

I feel sorry for you. I can see how you are being perceived as a snob, but the truth is, I would probably feel the same in your situation. This isn't about your son, it's about company of like minded individuals. It's not actually about money or class (though often, these things do go a bit hand in hand), you are just looking for people who have the same interests in life - and what's so wrong with that? Don't give yourself a hard time. Sounds like you've not been where you are long. I think with a big more dilligence you might find people you are more happy socialising with.

Have a really good look at what's avail in your area, and don't be afraid to travel outside it. If you have an NCT group for example half and hour away, it's worth it. If you're used to London traffic and transport, that shouldn't be an issue!

There might be a local book club - film club etc. Get online, look at notice boards - something will come along. Hopefully, and eventually, you may reap some of the benefits of being in a smaller community. Good luck

Pag - 'tis true about upper class people and their ability to talk to and mix with anyone and everyone.

Giddygirl - I feel sorry for anyone who is homesick, and I am mystified as to why anyone would even watch Eastenders, never mind think it's real. But your DH's family is your DH's family; if you love him, you can surely put up with their foibles? Don't forget that your DCs have some of their genes from these people...

As I say, though, I sympathise on the homesickness front. I suggest the NCT, too!