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Original poster

Is my snobbery hindering my son's development? Long.....

110 replies

GiddyGirl · 27/04/2009 14:22

Not sure if I have posted in the right section. Bit of background. I moved from London to a new area 6 months ago and was pregnant when I got here - I since had DS and he is 3 months old. Apart from DH's family, I don't know anyone at all and I hate it here. I miss my friends, I miss work, and I miss the hustle and bustle of London - I now live in a village. I also live very close to DH's family and have realised - well, it has been confirmed -that I have very little in common with them. They talk about eastenders like it is real, they don't watch the news, they don't read books.

In an attempt to try and settle here, I took DS to a local baby group. But again, found that I have little in common with the mums there - they are all about 10 years younger than me for a start, don't have careers, married early, all they ever wanted was kids. They seem nice, but I struggle to make conversation with them unless it's about babies - I don't want to talk about babies all the time though. The one time we have talked about anything else - holidays - one girl said " oh no, we've never been abroad, we like Great Yarmouth." Which is up to her, but why did I feel myself turning my nose up at it. I am totally pissed off with myself because I want DS to mix with other babies in preparation for him starting nursery in 6 months, and I want to get to know people too but I feel like I pick holes in them as soon as I look at them - like their clothes, or their hair or the way their babies are dressed (tracksuits for example). I feel so guilty and am asking myself, if I can't mix, how is that going to be good for DS' development. I haven't been to baby group in a week and feel like a terribly bad mother holding my DS back because I'm a stuck up cow.

OP posts:

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Original poster

GiddyGirl · 27/04/2009 14:56

all comments gratefully recieved - even the shitty ones.

DH knows I hate it here but, we were forced by circumstances to move somewhere cheaper and it is done so me going on about it wont help. I can't blame him for losing his job, he feels bad enough as it is.

I guess I need to make the best of a bad situation, and yes, get over myself a bit. Can we please be straight on something, I do not wear Boden .

OP posts:

ABetaDad · 27/04/2009 14:57

GiddyGirl - you are not being a snob. You just do not have a lot in common with the other mothers. You have experienced a different world to village life. I was born and raised in a village and then went to live in London and then moved out to a village again so I have made both moves. I am happy in either environment

My wife though had only ever lived in a town/city before so felt the same as you when we moved out of London. I do not know where you lived or what you did as a job but it is true to say that moving to the country as we did from central London after working in international jobs my wife felt the difference. It hit her doubly hard as DS1 was born around the same time. It took us a year or to make any real friends and we did try hard.

There was a thread by someone else recently on a similar issue about feeling homesick and wanting to go back to London after moving out to a rural area. Lots of people felt the same way and sypathised with that thread as I recall.

I do not generally agree with what ForeverOptimistic said but she has a point. Moving nearer a cathedral city with a good rail link to London you will find a lot of other mothers where DH still commutes to London to work but who moved out of London recently for schools and have similar interests to you. The schools and nurseries will be full of children with parents like you.

If you move to a cathedral city with a good rail link you will be able to get back to London to see old friends quite easily as well - even with DC.

rasputin · 27/04/2009 14:58

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luvaduck · 27/04/2009 14:58

have you bought or are you renting?

ForeverOptimistic · 27/04/2009 15:00

The OP asked if she was being snobby. I simply replied that I think that she is indeed a snob.

I can understand and sympathise with her situation. When you have a baby you feel forced to mix with people that have nothing in common with you other than the fact that they too are mothers.

If she wants to make friends who are similar to herself she has to try out different groups. If she wants to make friends with the women she has already encountered she needs to change her attitude. I don't think my comments are harsh.

It takes time to make friends I thought that I would never make any because I didn't "click" with anyone in my antenatal group or toddler groups. I felt that I wasn't "middle class" enough to make friends with the other mums in my Boden clad commuter town. However once ds started nursery I met loads of people, it just takes time.

lynniep · 27/04/2009 15:02

I havent got a lot to add here apart from perservere - there must be more than one baby group in the vicinity (assuming you have a car) and if your DS is only three months old there's plenty of time.

I'm going to gloss over the snobbery bit somewhat - plenty enough people have commented on that and whilst I of agree with them a bit - I can see where you're coming from and admire your honesty.

At the end of the day what you want/need is to be able to connect with some like-minded people. Theres nothing wrong with that.

I was in a similar situation (moved when 5.5 months pg from London to small town location) and to be honest, I was pretty lonely until my son reached about 6 or 7 months when I could take him to more classes (such as baby signing/baby movers/toy library stuff like that - call it a load of tosh but socially it helped me loads!)

I actually met my first 'proper' friend at weightwatchers when DS was 7 months. I then started to make friends through baby swimming lessons, and later on through nursery. Also from taking him to local play park.

DS is now 2.2 and I know loads of people. A lot of them are like me - have led pretty 'busy' lives before settling down to 'village life' at 30+. Some of them are a lot younger than me (BF from weightwatchers is 8 years younger and has led a v. different life from mine, but we get on like a house on fire)

Just keep on with it and don't expect it to happen quickly. Of course you miss your old friends and life. That probably won't change. Please keep on trying though. Chin up

Original poster

GiddyGirl · 27/04/2009 15:03

We bought our house. At the time, I was pregnant and DH wasn't working so I just needed to find somewhere before I had the baby and where DH's family lived seemed ok. I guess I should have done a bit more market research, but all I could think about at that time was the baby.

OP posts:

luvaduck · 27/04/2009 15:03

abetadad can you link to that thread would be interested to read it....

iheartdusty · 27/04/2009 15:04

some great advice here, I especially like vonsudenfed's post about doing things for the parent, not the child, while he is still portable. In a couple of months there will be no prospect of reading a paper, wandering round a museum, etc, except when he is asleep. You could do those things now.

But I just wanted to add - why the remarks about being 'rich' or 'poor'? OP said nothing about the income levels of the people she is meeting. I read her post as being about aspirations and life experiences - not about wealth, Boden, nannies etc.

Rubyrubyrubyflipflop · 27/04/2009 15:05

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pumpkinsoup · 27/04/2009 15:08

I understand, although for me it was sort of the opposite - I was the one 10-20 years younger than everyone else But I had all the same worries. I figured I had to try, and kept going, just stuck to talking babies, constantly, as that was the only thing I had in common with anyone else.

But I really don't think it made much of a difference to my DD at all, until she started school and all of a sudden all those same children were there - ie, I new a few parents to help her make friends.

Galava · 27/04/2009 15:08

I noticed that too Iheartdusty.

I think its the moving out of London assumption ie everybody who lives in London is rich and obviously if you dont live there then you are poor

ABetaDad · 27/04/2009 15:09

vonsudenfed - I x posted with you. This bit you wrote rang a whole church steeple full of bells.

"I've been a SAHM in the country (well, small town) for 2 years now, and I still sometimes want to run out in the streets going "Don't you know who I AM? What I Used to DO?' But I don't. Much.

......I realised the other day that I could - without a qualm - up sticks and move to another town a hundred miles away tomorrow as there is nothing holding me here."

My wife says exactly what you said just about every week and we have been out of London for 9 YEARS!

If we won £5 million on the lottery she would move back to London tomorrow, buy a house in Chelsea and never leave. I do try hard to make her happy but she has to go back to London every few months to spend a day there. I really do not mind her doing it but I never bother myself - she comes back happier.

rasputin · 27/04/2009 15:09

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Gateau · 27/04/2009 15:10

"Did you join NCT, it is full of middle class types."

I hated my local NCT for this very reason. They were all tripping over themselves to send their children to Baby Athletics (not quite, but I wouldn't be surprised!) or some such nonsensical classes. Bored the hell out of me and these are the only Mums I seem to be meeting. So I'm on the other side of the spectrum to the OP.

sarah293 · 27/04/2009 15:10

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Original poster

GiddyGirl · 27/04/2009 15:11

LynnieP, thank you. You have given me a bit of hope. Indeed, you have all been honest and that's what I needed.

I am going to check out the NCT, but I will also go to baby group again and make more of an effort - perhaps somewhere there is one of the group starting a thread about "this right snobby cow at our baby group" . I'm not a bad person, honest, I am just a lonely first time mum, who is struggling with new surroundings.

OP posts:

pagwatch · 27/04/2009 15:11

i want to point out that one can be an intellectual snob but don't think the thread should go there

sleeplessinstretford · 27/04/2009 15:13

my NCT class was a hilarious-all hale/bowdon types snorting 'had to trade in the porsche for a bladdy X5 and my handicap's going to suffer' we sort of ditched them too actually...

iheartdusty · 27/04/2009 15:13

Rasputin - fair enough, but isn't it another kind of snobbery to look down on people for their lack of ambition/ experience/ education/ cultural awareness, etc?

witness the long thread the other day regarding people who are snobs about clothing brands. chick lit, coffee, - a huge range of things.

stealthsquiggle · 27/04/2009 15:14

It is bloody hard work breaking into having a social life in a village - OP roughly where in the country are you?

You will probably have to put aside initial reactions and take a second look to see if you have something in common, otherwise you will rule out everyone very quickly IME/O, but it does seem that you have done that to some extent, with baby group at least.

Are you going back to work - in which case this may, at least in part, be a temporary problem?

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 27/04/2009 15:16

giddygirl I sympathise for the main reason that having your first baby is a shock to the system that it's not understood fully till it's passed.
I felt exactly like you with dd1, even though I was still living in the same place. I hated the babygroups conversations and longed for my friends and my life.
Obviously it's more difficult for you because you have moved to a place you feel you don't fit in as well.
My suggestion is to take it a bit easy. I've only realised it with my second child that babies do not need much more than their mums and whatever you do is a good enough new experience to them (did not believe my mum when she told me with dc1). So do not worry about ruining your son.
Having said that try also to meet and chat to as many mums/dads as you can. Like someone said it's like at school, of the many few will be good and valuable friends. and sometimes you'll see that even some idless company is somewhat better than another rainy aft alone with a hyper toddler.

and yes babytalk is boring, but remeber not just for you for most of the new mums but it's just a way of starting a conv.

My experience is that I did not bond with anyone for the first year or so after my dc1 was born because I was a stuck up cow who looked down at motherhood life and wanted badly her life back.
I now think I was mad and looove being a stepford wife . and you should have seen me before.

Time will help, trust me. good luck.

rasputin · 27/04/2009 15:16

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Ivykaty44 · 27/04/2009 15:16

I think lynniep is right in that the classes for baby in a few months will open up the friendship stakes, the other parnets going to these classes may well have more in common with you.

I never liked the baby and parent groups I went to, I didn't find anyone objectionable just didn't seemt ofind anyone who had anything in common with - I went a few times to a couple of groups tryed hard inviting a couple of mums back home etc but it was all to much hard work as we didn't have common ground (it was hard work both ways not just one way)

Try your nearst towns lirary aswell to see what is going on there, they usually have lists of groups etc.

Gym? I joined a gym and have made friends (I didn't join to make friends but have along the way)

Gateau · 27/04/2009 15:18

I mean, are there any Mums out there who are jut getting on with bringing their children up, without subjecting their babies and toddlers to "timetables?"
Can barely get to meet any of my friends for a smimpel trip to the park as they've always got one class on or another. I'm incredulous!

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