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Original poster

Is my snobbery hindering my son's development? Long.....

110 replies

GiddyGirl · 27/04/2009 14:22

Not sure if I have posted in the right section. Bit of background. I moved from London to a new area 6 months ago and was pregnant when I got here - I since had DS and he is 3 months old. Apart from DH's family, I don't know anyone at all and I hate it here. I miss my friends, I miss work, and I miss the hustle and bustle of London - I now live in a village. I also live very close to DH's family and have realised - well, it has been confirmed -that I have very little in common with them. They talk about eastenders like it is real, they don't watch the news, they don't read books.

In an attempt to try and settle here, I took DS to a local baby group. But again, found that I have little in common with the mums there - they are all about 10 years younger than me for a start, don't have careers, married early, all they ever wanted was kids. They seem nice, but I struggle to make conversation with them unless it's about babies - I don't want to talk about babies all the time though. The one time we have talked about anything else - holidays - one girl said " oh no, we've never been abroad, we like Great Yarmouth." Which is up to her, but why did I feel myself turning my nose up at it. I am totally pissed off with myself because I want DS to mix with other babies in preparation for him starting nursery in 6 months, and I want to get to know people too but I feel like I pick holes in them as soon as I look at them - like their clothes, or their hair or the way their babies are dressed (tracksuits for example). I feel so guilty and am asking myself, if I can't mix, how is that going to be good for DS' development. I haven't been to baby group in a week and feel like a terribly bad mother holding my DS back because I'm a stuck up cow.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

pagwatch · 27/04/2009 15:19

Rasputin

That hadn't even occured to me when i posted my comment!
seriously
I was just saying that there are many ways in which you can be a snob....
I had only hesitated to follow up your comment because it is getting away from OPs problem - not because I was avoiding a scrap

Gateau · 27/04/2009 15:21

simple.
My last post was a bit of a tangent, but I just wondered if theee are ANY likeminded Mums still around?

Ivykaty44 · 27/04/2009 15:22

Giddygirl - could you try volunteering to help at the baby groupe, as that way you get to meet more of the mums and have a quick chat so spread yourself around more people - which is good when you are looking for friends. Otherwise you go and perhpas sit in one place and limit your chattability

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EyeballsintheSky · 27/04/2009 15:22

Eastenders is real, isn't it?? I don't often watch the news either. In my defence my house is creaking under the weight of books. My point being (yes, there is one!) can't you just decide whether you like an individual rather than a group? You may find things in common if you take the trouble to get to know them past what they did or didn't watch on tv last night.

And a 3 month old really doesn't need a social life. Life is really to short to organise your day round groups for his sake at the moment.

ABetaDad · 27/04/2009 15:24

Gateau - we call it competitive parenting.

It does tend to be a particular characteristic of South East parents. Drives me nuts! We avoid those types.

Gateau · 27/04/2009 15:26

It does tend to be a particular characteristic of South East parents

Not entirely correct. We have it in Yorkshir, as well.

rasputin · 27/04/2009 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marymungoandmidge · 27/04/2009 15:28

Giddygirl - Mother and Baby groups (when you have a 3 month old), are for the purpose of getting Mum out and about meeting people. Dont feel upset that you can't relate to the people in this group - i would feel more concerned about whether I felt I could relate to people in my community as a whole...there must be some like minded souls? Villages are usually made up of a wide variety of individuals...

I don't feel you should be judged because you clearly feel socially/culturally/intellectually at odds with some of these people.Sycamore makes some good points - try NCT groups - I have made some lasting friends with my original group and we are all a bit far flung from each other...

There may also be some more appropriate groups in surrounding villages - we liove in a village (which we love) and travel outside to different clubs/groups etc.

After being here 6 months we agreed to start a book group - just an excuse to get together actually - but it is good fun...Dont give up or be disheartened...

marymungoandmidge · 27/04/2009 15:31

Whereabouts are you then Rasputin ?

stealthsquiggle · 27/04/2009 15:35

OP - at the risk of stating the obvious - have you checked out Mumsnet local to see if there are any active meetups or equiv in your area? - if you get to 'know' someone online and then go to a meetup of some sort, you are more likely to get beyond the 'all we have in common is babies/children' stage reasonably quickly.

I always thought I had nothing in common with people I met through my DC - until we got beyond the talking-about-babies stage and I realised they too had more to them than met the eye - at which point I realised they had probably been thinking the same about me

Original poster

GiddyGirl · 27/04/2009 15:37

I know what you meant Rasputin and knew you were trying to help. All of the posts have been honest and mainly constructive. I am here and that's that so no point moaning. I go back to work in 6 months - for 3 days per week, which I think will help enormously. In the meantime, I need to make more of an effort with what is on my doorstep.

I need to chill out too on the social life front for DS. When I think about it, perhaps, 6 months of mummy inflicted pre-nursery prep isn't that neccesary. He will adjust when the time comes. I just didn't want him to get to nursery having never mixed with other babies. He is still very young and it sounds like the better groups are for 6/7 month olds anyway. I will check that out when the time comes.

OP posts:

rasputin · 27/04/2009 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marymungoandmidge · 27/04/2009 15:41

Oh I see, you're obviously not thaaaaat lonely then!!!! Im in a shire too!

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 27/04/2009 15:41

I had this fear as well with dd1, and to some extent with dd2, that if they don't mix will be uberclingy. yes and no.
Going back to work will help a lot as you'll feel you've got a bit of you back.

rasputin · 27/04/2009 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzylou · 27/04/2009 15:44

Giddygirl, have you tried Mumsnet local/Netmums Meet a Mum?
A friend/some friends in your local area would be good for you and your DS. It can be very lonely when you've just had a baby, especially if you have just moved areas.

FWIW I found some playgroups I simply didn't fit into and some I loved. It's nice to mix with other Moms but it did take me a while to find other people who I clicked with.

stealthsquiggle · 27/04/2009 15:45

whereabouts are you, GiddyGirl - or would you rather not say?

marymungoandmidge · 27/04/2009 15:47

Yes Rasputin - just asked cos I had a feeling you might be somewhere here ... Gloucestershire - I moved here 9 months ago - from 10 years in a village in Wiltshire, but this is a beautiful place and very friendly- good luck!I also travel to Brizzle to see friends in a book club (although I'm the only bugger to have to drive some distance!)

Original poster

GiddyGirl · 27/04/2009 15:49

Rather not say where I am, sorry. My SiL is a MNetter when she's not asking herself "what would eastenders do?"

OP posts:

MmeLindt · 27/04/2009 15:49

I don't think that you are being snobby, GiddyGirl, you just don't have much in common with the other mothers at the toddlers group.

I felt a bit like this when we lived in Germany, I had a few friends but they were not really close friends and since moving away I have already lost touch with the women from the last village that we lived in. I still have some friends from our "student years".

Since moving to Geneva I have found more people who are on my wavelength, funnily enough few of them have DC.

Persevere, go out for walks with your baby in the area. Maybe you will bump into someone. Or could you look on the local MN site and see if there is a MNetter in your area.

LeninGrad · 27/04/2009 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stealthsquiggle · 27/04/2009 15:54

Fair enough!

I have come to the conclusion that (a) it takes a long time and (b) you have to be prepared to travel.

Finally after 3 years in the rural West Midlands (DD - 2nd DC - born 4 months after we moved) I am starting to get to the stage of bumping into people I know to say hello to - for example, went to a nearly new sale organised by the local children's centre and spent half the time chatting - but still have few/no 'real' friends.

SILtoGiddyGirl · 27/04/2009 15:55

Did anyone see Eastenders last night?

EyeballsintheSky · 27/04/2009 15:57

So asking what Eastenders would do is worse than wondering what a random group of strangers would do?

SILtoGiddyGirl · 27/04/2009 15:59

Has anyone read this month's Take A Break? There's a woman in it with two vaginas.

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