I'm a shouty mum and I want to stop - please help me!!

[ConnorTraceptive]

I never used to be although I guess I've always been a firm mum. But since the arrival of ds2 I have turned into this horrible, impatient person who shouts ALOT.

DS2 is a terrible sleeper and even now at almost a year old our day generally starts at around 4.30am (this is actually an improvement but still hard!) I'm tired most of the time and have yet to reconcile myself to the fact that with a three year old and a baby I'm never going to be on top of the housework, give them both enough attention and have a moment to myself.

DS1 get the worse end of the stick with the shouting. I hate hearing myself but it's lazy parenting really, I do it because it achieves the result I need at the time.

It all came to ahead last night when I shouted at ds1 for hurting his brother. He sobbed and sobbed and told me he wanted to live in a little house, with his toys away from me because I shout at him everyday

Had a REALLY long talk with dh last night about changing things and he's on board too and today there has been no shouting but how do we keep it up and what other methods can I use to deal with bad behaviour and the general annoyingness that 3 year olds are capable of??

Sympathy from me.
I was exactly the same and believe me it does get better.
I never shouted until DS2 came along. Then got shoutier and shoutier. I remember feeling appalled that I had made them cry.

It gets easier I promise.
Don't be afraid to stick to rules and have some disipline though, it pays off ultimately.
My DSs are now 10 and 13 and I haven't shouted for years and years now.

Thank you it's good to know I might not be this way forever!!

I do want to be firm about boundaries and rules just want to find a way of doing it that doesn't involve bawling them out. Even DH days that my shouty voice sets his teeth on edge

God this could be about me, I shout too much and now the DC are shouting too and it's awful. My DH also says he can stand the sound of my voice when I'm shouting.

I don't know what to suggest, will follow with interest. I know it's not an effective way of parenting and all it does is release the pressure in my at the time. But still I can't help myself doing it.

I am in awe of people who only occasionally need to raise their voice to get their children to listen and do what they are told.

Oh dear me, you are in exactly the same place as me atm!! My ds is 1 and my dd nearly 4. Since ds was born I have become an evil shouting harridan to dd, so impatient. At first it was because ds was such bloody hard work and didn't sleep, and now it's because he has become a lot easier but I am reaping the harvest from being such a cow to dd in ds' early months and she is playing up now for attention.
SHe is generally very good with her little brother but does that 'playing' which is just disguised hitting, and can whinge for britain. I don't have any answers for you because i've only just started trying not to shout so much! What I am trying to do is spend one to one time with dd, and ignoring the whinging. My house is a pit mainly and the only time I have to myself is when dd is at playgroup and ds happens to have a nap (not every day!) and then I feel guilty because I feel I should do housework! It's not easy but I can see it will get better as they get older. Ds doesn't generally sleep well either, but I have accepted that he won't until all his teeth are in, as that's what usually wakes him up, and he teethes for .
So basically, no much advice but lots of empathy!

God peggoty we are definately the same. Am also struggling with the the playing which is in fact disguised hitting/aggravating!! DS1 does go to nursery but ds2's naps are hit and miss. Today he was up at 4.30am so went back to bed at 7am which is not very helpfull!! although it meant when ds1 got up it was just the two of us, so we sat in bed and watched tv and the whole getting ready for school was a bit calmer!

4.30! you poor thing. I've had 5 and 5.30 starts but 4.30 is the middle of the night!(or it must feel like it to you!) GIve yourself a break, you doing your best, just like I am. I read somewhere that at 5 years old children's memories of their earlier years are more or less wiped clean, so am counting on being an earth mother by the time dd is 5 and then that's all she'll remember when she's older/an adult - do you think that'll work?!

TBH, I have been working on acceptance of a lot of things recently, and it's difficult but things so seem a bit better. I've accepted that ds is not a good sleeper (that took a while!), I've accepted that I can't be perfect and will shout sometimes, as long as it's not all the time, and I've accepted
I won't get much time to myself until ds is at playgroup himself. Having said that, my zen-like acceptance is still a prettty thin veneer at times and the screeching harridan is always below the surface!!!

Ah see you've hit the nail on the head there peggotty. I've got to learn to accept alot of things. I think once I do I will feel a whole lot better. Not sure if I can accept these early mornings but will try. Will be so much easier when the lighter mornings arrive though!!

I like the sound of them not remember mch once they are 5!!!

I too am a sleep deprived (thought last night was great sleep as only woken up twice- didn't think I'd still be up 6 times a night when dc 3 and 8) and shouty mum. Not proud of it and trying to change. Found 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' book really helpful. Just phrasing things in a different way and putting the onus on the kids to regulate their behaviour a bit helps. ANd while I'm taking a minute to think about how to talk to them it gives me time to chill a bit.

Sleep deprivation definately shortens the fuse.
I would do whatever it takes to get more sleep, even if it goes against your child rearing principles.
When mine came in at 4.30 or whatever I would haul him into bed keep the lights out and maintain silence. Mostly he would drop off again.

One thing that hasn't changed in our house is that DS1 still pushes his younger brother around. In my shouty years I used to threaten him that I would get him a big brother so he would know what it was like to be thumped.

It does get better and your just really tired at the minute I went through a phase like that but once you recognise it its easier to stop.
Don't be we've all been there

Ah, I'm intwo minds about the lighter mornings thing Connor, i'm worried ds will start waking earlier then because of the light, and the racket of the birds singing, which, strangely, sounds very loud in his room. I have blackout blinds and all the rest of it, but they're not completely fitted to the window, so don't properly block
light.

Although, i suppose if you have to be up at the crack of farts, it's less depressing if it's light outside!

Shouting was my approach for a long time after DD was born. It's so stressful having a lurching toddler around a new baby and everything toddlerhood brings.

I really try hard not to shout now because I felt so sh*t about it afterwards. But then sometimes instead, I sound snippy and irritable when I've slipped on yet another pair of zigzag scissors lying on the floor and nearly braining myself and DD. But DS is 3¾s and isn't the greatest at tidying up after himself.

It kills me too when DS tells me, "You're not to shout, Mummy. It's naughty and I will take away YOUR toys when you're naughty." He tries so hard to please but obviously is impish a lot of the time too.

I've found what really works for me is forcing myself to take seven seconds of silence before I shout speak about anything. That sounds ridiculous but I've discovered that it takes the heat off any irritation/anger not least because you see the fearful anticipation on your DCs faces and it gives you a bit of a shake too.

Unless it's an emergency and one child is about to push another down the stairs...........

Yup Mrs shouty here too . My ds is much harder than my dd ever was (ages 6 and 2) - dd gets the rath more as she is a wind up merchant and really knows how to press my buttons when im tired and i have 0 patience when im tired as im sure we all are like. DH is sick of me shouting too but like you guys im just shattered. dd was an excellent sleeper - ds is such a light sleeper and we rarely get an uninterupted night and he rises early too though thank god not 5am - were nearer half 6. I am turning into a miserable blighter and have started wondering if i could have mild pnd 2 yrs down the line or whether i just have almost permanent pmt or SAD.

I really hope it gets better as i always wanted to be a fun mum

Anyway hope your posting prompts some good tips for us all.

i think just take it a day at a time. every day wake up and think 'i will not shout today.' don't worry about tomorrow - it will take care of itself.

you did brilliantly today do the same tomorrow.

I've heard of that book a couple of time OhmeOhmy so I may try and get hold of it.

We do tend to bring ds2 into the bed when he wakes and he will just lie there but insists on pulling my hair the whole time which is not fun! Sometimes he drops off again if we're very lucky. Sometimes we take it in turns to tyake him into the spare room so atleast one of us gets some sleep. No point in both of us being sleep deprived every night.

Hadn't thought about daylight making things worse peggotty. I may be temped to paint his windows black!!

I like the idea of being silent for a few seconds before you speak winkywinkola. The sounding snippy and irritable also rings true i'm afraid.

I do sometimes think there may be a hint of PND there. I had it badly after ds1 but not so much with ds2, I think the sleep deprivation has ground me down.

Thank you all for your support though

Connor, I have just been prescribed anti-d's, as I finally went to my gp. I noticed that my dd was starting to walk on eggshells around me, so that I wouldn't be horrible or shout and it was when I realised she was doing that that I decided to get help. I'm not sure if it's pnd or depression, but I have coped less well since ds was born, and the sleep deprivation certainly hasn't helped. I don't know if the anti-d's are going to help, as i'm only 2 days in on taking them. It might be worth going to see your gp for a chat?

I saw my gp before christmas as I did feel very low at that point and she did say I could take ad's (I took them after ds1 and they did work wonders, although my pnd with him was very different - more anxiety based than moody arse baggage!)

i decided to wait until after xmas and new year celebrations as I didn't want people asking why I wasn't drinking. I have n't been back because although I don't feel great I'm not as bad as i was. Just before i saw the gp last time ds2's sleeping was really bad and I was hoping that I would improve now that his sleep although not great is better.

Maybe I should go back though??

I go though phases when I don't feel quite so bad, or feel ok-ish, then I feel shit again. But the general trend is not up, and I realised that. If you are just feeling sort of neutral when you're not feeling really bad, then it can seem like that's ok. But feeling neutral or nothing-ey iykwim, is not right either. Does that make sense?

I am a shouty mum and wish I was not. I am not all the time but it seems to be linked with when I am tired and I run out of patience.

I have shouted for as long as I can remember and I am now 40. My dad shouted at us as kids and at my mum, and still does.

I have got better over the years and dont do it half as much and this is largely because I have seen my kids shout back and that really made me think.

Yes that makes sense. I will go back. AD's made such a huge difference last time not sure why i'm dragging my heels this time. I think it's because it's not the same emotions as last time.

I've had depression in the past, last time was years ago (before children) and it felt different to this, that's why it's taken me a year to recognise it I think!! I'm glad to hear ads helped you last time. Here's hoping we'll both be feeling a lot better (and less shouty!) in a few weeks

I'll second that!!

When I had DS1 aged just 4 and DS2 aged just 2 and DS1 just starting school and me pregnant I was really tired/on edge and so I shouted too. I read a book called Unconditional Parenting which I found very useful and practical if you are wanting to know how to get things to happen (on time) without shouting! And now I have just read How To Talk So Kids Will Listen which I think will also be quite useful (I hope!). So now I shout much less.

oh my............I honestly thought that maybe my dh has started this thread in disguise...thought he had started it about me...

Im another shouty mum and hate to admit it..

ds is 23 months and an awful sleeper..ill fom birth and demands attention 100% of the time BUT is such a happy content baby iykwim.

dd is 3.6 yrs and like others have said she plays to rough with ds which I put down to her starting pre school end of last year..
Like others I can see why and when I shout and also like others I hate myself for it .

DD has always been a good sleeper BUT now is going the same route as ds and won't sleep. Wakes several times in the night and as dh is away weekdays im alone iykwim.
FGS I even shout at dd at 3am (etc) when she wakes.. That does make me feel low...

Yesterday while ds napped dd and I sat togther playing games and also doing our own thing and at dinner she thanked me... For NOT shouting at her... That made me realise how much I must shout but I did explain to her that I shout when she does wrong..

Oh I so want to be better and it worries me if she will start to hate me and remember me as "nasty" mum. I don't remember much from childhood so just hope she doesn't remember this bad time...

Maybe us shouty mums can try and not shout for one day...?

I got up this morning and decided i would not shout - i was succesful though i did raise slightly when i had to ask 6 times for dd to brush her teeth but throughout i remained in control. I am going to walk to pick her up from school and vow not to shout from half 3 till bed time. Little manageable chunks as opposed to saying i am not going to shout from now on/ this week etc....