I'm a shouty mum and I want to stop - please help me!!

[ConnorTraceptive]

I never used to be although I guess I've always been a firm mum. But since the arrival of ds2 I have turned into this horrible, impatient person who shouts ALOT.

DS2 is a terrible sleeper and even now at almost a year old our day generally starts at around 4.30am (this is actually an improvement but still hard!) I'm tired most of the time and have yet to reconcile myself to the fact that with a three year old and a baby I'm never going to be on top of the housework, give them both enough attention and have a moment to myself.

DS1 get the worse end of the stick with the shouting. I hate hearing myself but it's lazy parenting really, I do it because it achieves the result I need at the time.

It all came to ahead last night when I shouted at ds1 for hurting his brother. He sobbed and sobbed and told me he wanted to live in a little house, with his toys away from me because I shout at him everyday

Had a REALLY long talk with dh last night about changing things and he's on board too and today there has been no shouting but how do we keep it up and what other methods can I use to deal with bad behaviour and the general annoyingness that 3 year olds are capable of??

try imagining you are on TV or Supernanny is watching!

I would recommend How to Talk so kids will listen and How to listen so kids will talk. And getting enough sleep!

i'm doomed.

DC2 isn't even BORN yet and i'm shouty.

i just get so FRUSTRATED with being ignored! think i'll get the ADs ready for right after the baby is born. I want to be a better parent.

When my DD was 2-3 I found myself having days where I was shouting constantly at her and looking back it was usually over really silly things. It was when I caught her one day shouting at her dolls and teddies in her bedroom that I received a huge wake up call. She was mimicking me word for word and I've never felt so dreadful. My shouting didn't stop overnight - she's nearly 6 now (and no longer shouting at her toys) but I found taking a deep breath and actually lowering my voice rather than raising it not only kept me calm it encouraged DD to listen too.

Can't remember how old your DCs are but we cracked the very early morning starts, (our DD's record was 3.30am during the Summer), with a star chart. Basically - if she remained in bed until 6.30am she earned a star and she had to get 5 in a row to receive a treat. At 6 our DD is now rarely out of bed before 7am.

Well I've managed not to shout today either and it feels good! There's been a couple of times that I've needed to be firm about behaviour and I did send ds1 to the step but I didn't shout like I normally would.

There's been a couple of times when I've nearly shouted but I turned it into a really deep breath and just waited a few seconds before I said anything.

Ds1 is being a little bit testing today but I think he's confused by the sudden change and is testing the water so to speak!!

brilliant!

this will get easier, you'll see.

Good for you,

Yey excellent connor! My dh is currently bathing both mine. I felt a shout coming on so stepped back.... I like you have sort of raised my voice (not banshee shouting) and been firm. I have avoided coffee today as i think that makes me irritable.

My wake up call is because my dd shouts at her little brother like i shout at her 'im going to count to 3 or iggle piggle goes in the bin etc...' but in a banshee whine - i never threaten to thrown iggle in the bin btw its usually her toys if she wont tidy up having been asked a zillion times.

Kids in bed and no shouting for me tonight.....that feels good. I feel that "shout coming on" phase sometimes and that is when I definitely need to walk away.

Cant work out though why I can be as calm as anything with my two nutty tb horses despite the fact that I often get covered in mud, trodden on, side swiped etc, yet with my pretty good children who are not what I would call challenging in any way, I shout.

im not a shouty mum im 41 and have 7 dc but only 5 left at home now
the youngest is 6 mths then 4,7,8,17
i think me not shouting has resulted in calmer dc
my younger 3 are so totally chilled out many people comment on this.

i was a shouty mum with my first 2 i dont know why then realised it wasnt a good thing and stopped

i can calm a situation without shouting and get the results i want
in our house we are a team its not me and dh and the children in that order
its just the family iyswim

with my 8yr old i have to repeat myself 10 times for his to get his shoes on ith the tv on but with it off just once

how would an adult like it being bawled at a lot we wouldnt would we
and sooner or later we would either shout back or lash out
we have real set bounderies and house rules we all have to do not just the dc
it works all i can say really
on way home from school yesterday we saw a lady shouting at her son as he was too far away
my 7 yr old said how nasty is that mum she only had to say it to him im glad your my mum
and not her,,it was quite sweet really

I hate shouting and DH agrees with me that a lot of the time it is the only thing that works. DD and DS1 cried yesterday when I shouted. With me, it is because I am so tired all the time and it is really getting me down. I am also suffering with depression and have too many other things going on and it is too much pressure and stress at times.

I am going to try really hard today because I know when I don't shout, the kids don't shout and they behave better.

disneystar I'm glad you're in such a great place now and have reached parenting perfection - but most of us haven't and it is really hard when you're right in the middle of sleep deprivation and the hell that is having little ones. Mine have been up since 5.30am, one has already had a tantrum lasting 40 mins. I then shouted when dd managed to spill breakfast over her last bit of clean school uniform. Shouting is not great I know but it's really important to be kind to ourselves as mums and support each other and recognise the stresses we're under.

Hear hear!

if only we were all so perfect disneystar

another shouter here am just really trying to think before I shout that is my new mantra

Sleep deprivation is the crux of the matter and resentment that YOU never get to do what you want.
I shout too much at everybody, including DP.
My kids are used to it which is sad.

I completely agree with all the stressed out, shouty mums on this thread.
It's so hard to stop.
When feeling calm and collected, it's easy to be rational, but it only takes one small thing at the end of the day to make me snap.
I don't do it too often and always apologise afterwards, but it's hard.
My DD is 2 and is pushing the boundaries while having plenty of toddler tantrums.
My DS is 3 months and I am suffering from lack of sleep due to 24 hour feeding. (Or so it feels like!)
DH is always working, away on business trips or sleeping when at home.
Sleep deprivation is my main problem and although I try not to take it out on DS, she winds me up and it's not always easy.

Winge over. I'm just looking forward to it getting a little easier...

hello all, i think i need to be on this thread also.
i worry constantly about my shouting, and it is really getting me down.

i have a dd whos 20, and lives at home, (knows it all, you know the type!!)
a dd2 who is 6, they both can press all the wrong buttons. if i am really tired and stressed, i seem to shout very loudly, and i think she (dd2) is the most affected/upset by it.
i also have a 2 year old ds.
my dp loves me , but is getting increasingly frustrated about my erratic moods.

i really love being a mum, but i need to address this shouting issue, as it is getting me down, and is no good for any of us. i do believe that tiredness is the key. (however finding time to rest, is pretty much impossible!!)
i hope we can all help each other on here.
i have been to my gp this week, as i am feeling really low, and i do think this is part of my many problems.
hope everyone has a better day today.
xx

i wasnt being critical with you guys
im with you on this
its just i reached breaking point ages ago and decided enough was enough and turned it around
we dont have tantrums or shouting here its hard but i stick to my guns and dont budge

mumwhensdinnerready made the same comment

ive been up since 5am with the 8 yr old but rather than shout like i would of done years ago i just accept it
ok hes up make the most of it
im so glad i changed things as my home is a happier place to be now and im enjoying my dc rather than stressing
i do have a 6mth old so sleep deprivation here too
plus he has a terminal condition and its so very very hard here right now
sorry if i sounded smug before i didnt mean too

OP(and all the other exhausted mums): YOU ARE ONLY HUMAN!
I applaud your efforts to not shout, I'm in the same boat (ill, 37 weeks pg, DS2 ill, DS1 wakes anytime after 4 then does his best to wake DS2 up. Result: 3 hours sleep max a night for the last 5-6 nights) but don't beat yourself up too much if you do explode you are people and needs too. It's bloody hard when you are sleep deprived and everything seems to be going wrong.

i guess my whole perspective has changed
im not going to waste another day shouting and whinging about spilt things and mess

i make every day special my children are aware of samuels illness and we make each other laugh everyday,we say a prayer every day too together(not everyones thing i know)

remember how lucky you are right now right here dont waste a day by shouting
hug them cuddle them tell them you love them,

i really didnt mean to sound critical sorry

I'm sorry to hear about your little one disneystar - you're right that would change a lot of peoples perspective over night. Your children are blessed that you have had the strength to turn things around and make the best out of a sad situation.

I've been thinking so much about this whole shouting thing since I started this thread and everything people are saying here is ringing true.

I think the biggest thing Dh and I need to do is ACCEPT ACCEPT ACCEPT.

I need to accept that ds2 is an early riser and just get to bed earlier myself.

I need to accept that the house is never going to be truelly tidy (oddly I didn't give a stuff about being tidy until I had dc's) I just need to plod onwards and just do what I can each day.

I need to accept that we don't get nearly as much time to ourselves as we used to but if we shout less and don't get so stressed over silly things then maybe our time with the children will be more enjoyable.

Can I join the shouty mum's thread?

I am so fed up at the moment. DS is 4yo and he does not listen. He just carries on doing what he wants and I can say something 10 times and he will still not do it.

Yesterday he ran out of the house of the friend we were visting, I told him (did not shout) to stop, he ran on, I shouted STOP, he just kept going.

Then we went into a cafe to meet DH, we were only in there a couple of minutes when DS just up and left.

Last week we scoured the school and the playground for him as he was nowhere to be found. I have told him a thousand times to wait at the gate if I late (which I rarely am) but no, he wanders off. I found him across the car park next to the little river that runs through the village.

At home he is the same, just does what he wants, annoys his sister, annoys the dog.

Shouting is the only thing that stops him in his tracks but I hate myself when I shout at him. He goes all hunched up as if I were going to hit him and looks scared of me.

A tip on mn home page a while ago was to go to bed at the same time as your kids at least once a week. Invaluable if you can't sleep in the day while they're napping. I would shout at a doorknob if I was tired so I have to get 9 hours a night or make it up.

I hear my neighbour shouting at his 3yo which is horrible and it stops me from shouting at dd. You're prob all doing this already but I have a warning tone I use with dd so I ramp up to shouting rather than blowing straight up.

mmelindt, prob unpopular but I'd put him on reins till you can trust him, he'll want to get out of them so may get the message. Does he understand STOP? Do you need to play musical statues or something like that? BTW the school should supervise who children are leaving with so they shouldn't be letting him wander off, you may need to speak to them.

The ignoring thing is so hard to deal with isn't it, winds me up a treat!

when ds1 annoys his brother or the cats I normally just shout when he ignores and carries on. The last couple of days I've been making a point of going up to him, getting my knees and firmly telling him no more. If he's carried on I've either put him on the step or put him in his room. I know it won't stop him from doing it again at some point but I'm hoping he'll get the message.

I know that quite a few on here don't like the step or sending to their room but it's got to be better than all the shouting.