I'm a shouty mum and I want to stop - please help me!!

[ConnorTraceptive]

I never used to be although I guess I've always been a firm mum. But since the arrival of ds2 I have turned into this horrible, impatient person who shouts ALOT.

DS2 is a terrible sleeper and even now at almost a year old our day generally starts at around 4.30am (this is actually an improvement but still hard!) I'm tired most of the time and have yet to reconcile myself to the fact that with a three year old and a baby I'm never going to be on top of the housework, give them both enough attention and have a moment to myself.

DS1 get the worse end of the stick with the shouting. I hate hearing myself but it's lazy parenting really, I do it because it achieves the result I need at the time.

It all came to ahead last night when I shouted at ds1 for hurting his brother. He sobbed and sobbed and told me he wanted to live in a little house, with his toys away from me because I shout at him everyday

Had a REALLY long talk with dh last night about changing things and he's on board too and today there has been no shouting but how do we keep it up and what other methods can I use to deal with bad behaviour and the general annoyingness that 3 year olds are capable of??

Am here lurking, a fellow shouter, for me the triggers are when I feel overwhelmed and unable to do everything, I am also chronically sleep deprived, (there does seem to be a real link, doesn't there). I have ds1 4yrs, ds2 2yrs and dd 11months. Maybe we have the makings of a support group here.. would love to have somewhere I could check in and report progress.

HELP! This sounds so familiar. I haven't read all the post's just first and last, but this is my DH to a T. He starts off by asking dc, to do things, but if he's stressed, or in a rush, on comes the shouting. It's driving me mad, because all though I didn't shout, I have now started. It's getting now though that he's doing it when we go shopping, so I have tried to go on my own, and let him down gently, saying 'he has far to much to do, so I will do it', but he still comes. I feel so guilty when I have shouted to get a response, and I cringe when DH does it. What can we do??

Any suggestions greatefully received.
P.s We have 4 dc's.

sorry 'greatfully'

WOW lots more people!! We all seem to have much in common.

It would be great if we could spport each other and pass on tips. I think before when I've seen these types of threads I've thought "Oh well atleast I'm not the only one that does it, like that somehow justifies it and makes it not so bad"

Now I'm trying to tell myself that I'm not the only one, we're all human and VERY VERY tired but things do still need to change. Lets hope we can help each other one step at a time.

Today I think our joint task should be to go to bed atleast one hour earlier than we each normally would. I'm loving the imaginary star chart too!

hi again all,
divineintervention, the balls thing sounds great, i think i will borrow that suggestion. i think it will be great for me to be able to visualise my shouting, and i think dd2 will enjoy the 'play' aspect of it.

danae, hello. your turning shouting into play post is excellent. i think i forget to play with them sometimes, (too wrapped up in other stuff) then comes 'naughty" behaviour, then the shouting from me.

its really helping to write all this down,sorry if i am going on and on.

i am really going to try to turn things round, as like i said earlier, i too suffer from various mental health problems, and this is just exasperating things.

stay strong ladies, the fact that we admit we have a problem with this, is a great start.
xx

connortraceptive, thanks so much for starting this thread. its not often that people admit to being anything less than perfect.
i for 1 am thrilled to have found this thread, as i think i really need some support with this, and would like to offer support too.

Hi Leya, do you know your post rings true for me. In the past it has always been DH that has been the impatient shouter, I never used to. When he's around I can sense when things are going in the direction that means he's going to shout which I think stresses me out and so I get in there first to try and calm the situation. Now it's just become habit and I'm as bad as he is.

I always used to say "Ah here comes DH to make a stressful situation intolerable" not very helpful and I'm certainly not in a position to judge now.

The other night when it all came to a head for me I had a very open discussion with DH about it and we both talk about our own parents and childhood (we both had shouty parents) I asked him if he wanted the boys to grow up feeling the same way we did and when they are adults to have the same sort of relationship with us (ie amicable but not close, would certainly not want to sit and have any kind of heart to heart with them)

I feel the need to point out that DH is a very loving dad too. He adores his boys as do I. Just somewhere amidst the tiredness we've lost our way!!

It is the end of the day for me, as I am in a different time zone, but will try the going to bed earlier tomorrow, would also like to thank Connor for starting this off, will check back tomorrow.

OK so one technique that has not worked today, thought I would go with divineinterventions balls in the jar thing instead of imaginary star chart. Mainly as my memory is horrendous.

My DC however are now telling me to shout so they can do the balls - obviously a good game but not sure if it will be effective for us.

Mind you I diddolved into giggles when Dd solomnly told me to shout.

Maybe it will work after all

Ah, I hadn't thought of that I am laughing out loud!!

Maybe you can have two jars one for bad mummy shouting and one for fun mummy roaring like like a monster shouting. Be nice to see a jar fill up because you've made them laugh

Now that sounds like fun connerTraceptive

I am liking that evolved version!

Just popped on before i pop out again - glad to see so many of us shouters trying to sort out our volume . I am soooooooooo going to make myself a reward mechanism and the result will get me some kind of chinese takeaaway reward

LOL divineintervention, I think you are gonna have to buy some more balls!

I actually did have a star chart . We had a magnetic one from Next, DS, DD and I had a line each with a different behaviour to work on, mine was no shouting!

Conner - dh and I go round in similar circles .

I think alot of my anger has to do with feeling judged I shout because I feel that my children should behave in a certain way.

I like the idea of us having a task every day. I second the idea that we all go to bed earlier than normal. I will do my best for one hour earlier.

The being judged thing is so true for me! Miranda G - are there any side effects to the st johns wort? I am at the docs tomorow and was goign to mention my shoutyness and monster pmt (that lasts all month) amongst other things - was wondering abotu giving them a whirl.....

Flimflamm come on and enlighten me what works to make my ds sleep in longer .

Yes accept - i accept he is an early waker and dd needs half hr warning to get her shoes on - if i can adjust their behaviours inmy favour though i will so tips please!

God me too.

Ds is approaching 5yo and dd is 2.5 and I've realised my shouty ways came along after becoming a single parent.

Instead of saying to their dad 'can you take them for 5 minutes before I lose my marbles', I don't have that option any longer. Ironically, I see them less now but it's turned into a habit. Before, I was working from home and the lazy parenting and tiredness and not having a moments peace turned me into a shouty parent. And now, ds is full time school, and dd at childminders, and it's now a habit reinforced by added tiredness from commute and a lack of patience when the only time I see them is often when they're shattered from a long day.

But it has to stop. As for my other post, ds's behaviour has gone downhill so I need to start a reward system, maybe a sticker chart for him (will do one for dd too). I'm thinking about doing one for me for not shouting too.

Nappyzone: It depends on lots of factors, you really need to read the book.
www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_ss_w_h_?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=teach+your+child+to+s leep+millpond&x=10&y=20

How old is he? What do you do when he wakes in the early morning? The book talks about how we unintentionally reward 'innapropriate' behaviour, e.g. by bringing them into our bed. Also having a nap too early in the morning can affect the body clock.

Must go, got to wash up and cook myself something to eat.

Hi Connor, have just checked in on this thread to see how you were doing - and wow, it seems you've struck a rich vein with shouty mums!! Glad to hear you are doing better with ds. I have definately noticed that I've been calmer the last few days but I'm viewing it as the calm before the storm as PMT is due to set in v. soon. Am also having a few weird side-effects from the ads i've started, feeling a bit 'ethereal' which is to dd's benefit as I'm too airy-fairy to shout!

If we're sharing tips, something that I try to do when dd is whinging is say that I can't understand her when she speaks in that voice and just keep saying that until she speaks normally. Her whinging is something that is guaranteed to make me shout! I really like the other tip of waiting for a few seconds before responding to dc when you think you're going to shout.

thanks

When my second child was born I found it very difficult to cope with the tiredness and used to shout at dd1 much more than I should have. On complaining about my difficulties somebody recommended a book called 'Three shoes, one sock and no hairbrush' by Rebecca Adams. It was quite brilliant and described my situation perfectly and I didn't feel quite so abnormal. (I know you might be thinking that you don't have time to read but it was worth it)

Another good piece of advice that was given to me was to pick five things that REALLY bug me and try to ignore the rest. Not easy but it worked for me.

When I took dd1 to nursery all the other mothers seemed so 'together'. There was one in particular who seemed to me at the time to be the 'perfect mother' One day as I was walking through the carpark I heard her screaming at her two children to get out of the car and she stopped abruptly when she saw that I was there. It made me realise that I wasn't the only one - the mother was very embarrassed!

I now have a third child and I sometimes shout at the older ones to get ready for school but that awful feeling that I had about myself when the first two were young has gone and I'm sure that it will go very soon for everyone else on here too.

flimflam, that's really interesting about early morning naps ds2 has his main nap very early - must get that book