I'm a shouty mum and I want to stop - please help me!!

[ConnorTraceptive]

I never used to be although I guess I've always been a firm mum. But since the arrival of ds2 I have turned into this horrible, impatient person who shouts ALOT.

DS2 is a terrible sleeper and even now at almost a year old our day generally starts at around 4.30am (this is actually an improvement but still hard!) I'm tired most of the time and have yet to reconcile myself to the fact that with a three year old and a baby I'm never going to be on top of the housework, give them both enough attention and have a moment to myself.

DS1 get the worse end of the stick with the shouting. I hate hearing myself but it's lazy parenting really, I do it because it achieves the result I need at the time.

It all came to ahead last night when I shouted at ds1 for hurting his brother. He sobbed and sobbed and told me he wanted to live in a little house, with his toys away from me because I shout at him everyday

Had a REALLY long talk with dh last night about changing things and he's on board too and today there has been no shouting but how do we keep it up and what other methods can I use to deal with bad behaviour and the general annoyingness that 3 year olds are capable of??

Oh god, horrible sense of 'me too' here. I hate hearing myself when I'm shouting a lot. DS is 3 and a half and pushing the boundaries, DD is 14 months. The house is always a complete tip, if I tidy up everything is pulled out again in no time.

Most evenings I'll vow to myself not to get angry or shout the next day, then it all goes downhill again.

I'd say a lot of DS's bad behaviour is down to jealousy of DD, that and her taking his toys now she's walking about. I can understand he gets upset if she takes something he's playing with, so he hits or pushes her, but what really gets me furious is when I hear her crying, go into the room and he's hitting her or squashing her or something and laughing. I send him to his room as punishment, but that doesn't really work, as he'll just read a book, and then DD wants to go in there after him and starts crying herself!

Mme Lindt: my DS went through a running off phase too, but stopped after a while. I did threaten to get some reins, but I'm not sure if that was what did the trick.

DS also went through a phase of putting his hands over his ears when he didn't want to hear something. When DH asked him about it he said it was to 'make the cross go away'.

What's worse is that DH and I shout at each other too, and I hate the kids hearing us. I didn't use to be an angry person, believe me! We are under a lot of stress at the moment, and tiredness makes everything 10 times worse.

Some times I've said to DS let's start the day again, and have a kind and happy day, you listen to what I say and don't do naughty things, and I won't get angry or shout. That does work sometimes.

Sleep deprivation is such a big part of it. The CIA use it as a form of torture you know! OP: 4.30 wake up sounds awful. I totally agree that acceptance really helps with things like, yes the house will never be tidy, yes, toddlers don't listen, yes babies do throw their food on the floor. However, you might be able to get your LO to sleep later. The best book I've found on sleep is Teach Your Child to Sleep by the Millpond Clinic. It's evidence-based, not some nanny's theories. It does have a whole section on how to deal with early waking.

Here's to a calmer day today.

That book sounds interesting flimflam will take a look.

I think the idea of starting the day over is a great one. It's so easy to get off to a bad start and let it snow ball through ot the day!

I could not put reins on him, as we live in Switzerland and I am not sure how that would be seen here. We lived in Germany previously and they were absolutely frowned upon. If you saw a child on reins you could be sure it was a British family. I assume Switzerland is similar. I tried it once with DD but after the third comment about her not being a dog, I gave up.

As to the school watching him, well the Swiss are in this case much much more relaxed. There is no teacher on the school gate, the children can just wander off. Actually that is probably part of the problem, that he is used to being picked up from Kindergarten (we had to pick him up in the group).

Will have another chat about the differences between kindergarten and school. Thanks, I had not thought of that.

Disclaimer - I am nowhere near as justified in shouting as the OP and others in as much as my two are further apart (6 and 2), both sleep reasonably well and I am a WOHM so I do get away from them...

However, FWIW, I have resorted to having a (imaginary - DH would PHSL if he knew) star chart for myself and I mentally give myself a star for every morning/evening/day off/weekend day which I get through without shouting. It makes me think about it and also makes me stop and 'congratulate' myself when I do manage it.

I haven't worked out what my star chart "reward" should be yet

Message withdrawn

Danae, sounds like you are a great mum. Thanks for the reminder of the playing thing. It really does work, when I can summon up the energy or patience to do it, you're so right. I'll resolve to try it today!

I am MirandaG and I am a shouter. It's the being 'pecked to death by ducks' thing that gets to me. It's like mental torture - how can you possibly get anything done when you have one of two little people going 'mum mum mum mum mama mama mama' the whole time? So I stick them in front of the TV and feel guilty about that instead of shouting... Two things that have helped me are St John's Wort in the second two weeks of my cycle (actually may start taking it for the whole month because the winter is so miserable) and cutting down on drinking during the week. Having a half bottle of wine in the evening seems like it makes things better, but actually it makes me even more disorganised. Also, meal planning helps and I make sure to include two or three meals that will last two days, which cuts down on cooking, washing up, general mess and time. Oh, and getting everything ready the night before (no way would I do this if I'd had half a bottle of wine) All of the above were my NY resolutions and so far it is working...fell off the wagon last night though But there is generally less shouting.

Oh dear, 2 babies sounds hard work.

However, Can I advise, start going out to posh places. (with friends as extra hands to help)

My DS is a boistrous little toddler but I find if i take him and his cousin, to the VandA or Science museum or the Natural History Museum, or an art exhibition with another mum I am playing the perfect parent.

Then when I go home, I find it easier to talk in calm patient tones to DS.. even as he squeezes tomato ketchup onto my work clothes laid out for the next day!!!

If i am in public I find if I try not to get frazzled I am a very patient mum, or i just ignore the bad behaviour and walk away. then when at home i try to imitate my own behaviour! Hope this is of any help.

I am divineintervention and I am a shouty Mum and a shouty wife. My oldest ds (6) comes and hugs me after I've really raged or might cry and say sorry.which makes me feel very guilty because it's not a terrible thing he's done he's only six .
I do regroup at the end of the day and explain that as much as I love them all having two boys that argue and fight (6 & 5) a 2 yr old and a 12 week old can sometimes make me very grumpy as I don't acheive everything I want to. My ds2 said why don't you forget the housework Mum and just play! Oh i wish it were that simple!
I am going to get to a point where I am organised, not looking for things!
Some great tips on here...I have the listening book, do you think there's book called 'how to read when you're so bloody tired that you fall asleep after one page'??

Danae
Sounds to me like you are doing great. Thanks for the tip about playing. I forget about that sometimes.

Will resolve to try that and the imaginary star chart. Good one, Stealth. My reward is going to be a manicure, as I have not had one in years.

Quick at thinking of rewards, amn't I?

dd is 3 weeks old and i am now a shouty mum!

ds is 2. its going to get worse isnt it.

Just had to add a tip that's worked for me (Dss 6 and 2, both dreadful non-sleepers, ds1 SN and very demanding): every time I'm about to shout or nag, I try to ask myself if what I'm cross about has any long term consequences. If it doesn't, I try to use that last moment of self-controlled adult thinking to shut up. It's really hard, but they learn from what we do and not from what we say.

Excellent thread, some really helpful suggestions (thank you danae in particular).

Mine are 5 and 3 and it is improving. But still shout far too much .

I too am a shouty Mum, and I hate myself for it, I was discussing it this morning with my rl friend as DD has started to shout at her brother with the same shrill voice I use. I have realised it has to stop as I am turning them into not very nice children.

Love the idea of the imaginary star chart.

Today had been not to bad 3 tantrums, 2 from ds 1 from dd, all resolved without me becoming shouty, although one of DS did last for 45 minutes.

My aim is to get through to bedtime in the same vein then start a new day tomorrow, very much take each day on its own, and not try and achieve a string of days, just one day at a time

Thanks all, I have been lurking as "shouty" is becomming my middle name!

BTW all of us guilt tripping about our DDs shouting at their toys - I read in a book about childhood that this is perfectly normal. Boys play superhero games (Power rangers etc) they 'become' the all powerful superhero. Girls play Mummy games and 'become' a powerful mummy (or teacher). In fact even Oliver James (child psychologist type) described his 4 yo DD yelling at her toys and locking them in the cupboard, he seemed to think this was healthy.

I am also a shouty mum. I have two ds 6.5 and 2.5.and sometimes (most days) they drive me up the wall. We have bad habits like shouting up stairs and through doors/floors. I am on ADs and have had cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) which has helped (though I know its not for everyone).

One thing I have learned from my dad (and he has total control of both my kids for some reason) is he doesnt shout, at all, he gets down to their level (especially the younger one) and talks in a calm and controlled voice et. voila, they do as they are told. I'm not sure if its the whole, you wouldn't shout in their face so being at their level helps but it would seem likely.

Connor, if you are on ADs and are starting to feel better, don't just stop. I've tried this two or three times and failed miserably. I've started to recognise what makes me stressed and I can control that element (through the CBT), but ADs give you a certain level of serotonin and then that level drops sharply when you stop and you feel crap again. You need to come off them gradually. I think the biggest hurdle is accepting that you need them and that they are doing you (and your family) a lot of good.

Good luck with it all.

Can I join too? I am trying really hard to not be a shouty Mum but I do still lose it sometimes and feel so guilty afterwards. DH hardly ever shouts, but when he does I get this awful realisation that this is what I must be like!! I read somewhere that if you shout it just makes your DC shout, then you shout louder, etc and it starts a cycle, and I definitely found this to be true in our household. So now if one of my boys is having a tantrum or getting shouty, I speak to them directly but in a very soft voice - they have to stop shouting to hear what I'm saying! It really works.

I can be a shouty mum. I have many different faces for motherhood lol.

Dd is 20 months old and each day we have lots of fun and play time, but the other half is spent with me shouting or telling her off for spitting on me, screaming and screaching, shouting MUM at me non stop for 4 hours, switching the tv/dvd player on/off constantly, generally destroying everything in my home.

She's just into everything, and whilst I'm sure this should be viewed as a positive thing, it bugs the crap out of me when she finds an interest in my jewlery draw! I'm still not accepting the fact that my flat can't be perfect and tidy with a toddler running about and I need too, but anything I do to tidy up she just trashes completely. She has a room full of toys - she's not interested.

I feel like I work and tidy constantly and never have anything to show for it lol. I need to relax and go with the flow a bit more, I know I do. I'm a single mum though, and dd's dad came to see her this weekend and my god, it's so much easier with 2 people!

I feel awful when I shout at her, she's such a lovely little girl, most of the time. I don't know how I can stop myself from snapping. Poor kid can't figure me out, nice and calm to screaming banshee in a matter of seconds!

I have just found some balls, from an old ball pool (why we had one God knows!!) and got an old vase (a big one) and I'm going to allow the children to put a ball in everytime I shout.... I think the visible reminder may do me some good!!!

This thread is SOOOO helpful! I, too, am a shouter. I have two DS's (6.5 and nearly 3) and have not slept through the night in 7 years. I am very, very, very, very tired. For me it is sleep deprivation that really gets me down and I shout. I never shouted before children, but then I used to sleep about 10 hours a night. (Oh, the bliss!)

Maybe we should have a day when we all try to not shout? We can give each other moral support. Then we could think about each other when we want to shout. Take a deep breath, make a cup of tea and walk away for a few moments. I don't know...

Anyway, I'm with you!

How about we raise a bit of cash....
"Help out, stop the shout"