I'm a shouty mum and I want to stop - please help me!!

[ConnorTraceptive]

I never used to be although I guess I've always been a firm mum. But since the arrival of ds2 I have turned into this horrible, impatient person who shouts ALOT.

DS2 is a terrible sleeper and even now at almost a year old our day generally starts at around 4.30am (this is actually an improvement but still hard!) I'm tired most of the time and have yet to reconcile myself to the fact that with a three year old and a baby I'm never going to be on top of the housework, give them both enough attention and have a moment to myself.

DS1 get the worse end of the stick with the shouting. I hate hearing myself but it's lazy parenting really, I do it because it achieves the result I need at the time.

It all came to ahead last night when I shouted at ds1 for hurting his brother. He sobbed and sobbed and told me he wanted to live in a little house, with his toys away from me because I shout at him everyday

Had a REALLY long talk with dh last night about changing things and he's on board too and today there has been no shouting but how do we keep it up and what other methods can I use to deal with bad behaviour and the general annoyingness that 3 year olds are capable of??

I think this boils down to tiredness. Everyone, including even saintly, non-moody) dh gets more grumpy with lack of sleep. I too find myself getting horribly shouty, so this thread is hugely reassuring.

I think things will get better. I do remember going through a phase when dd was a baby & ds just 2 and poor ds bore the brunt of it all. Then I realised that the poor boy could only get it right if he was an angel and how many 2 year olds are angels? It made me stop & reassess how much I was asking of him.

I am shouty shouty too. This thread has loads of great ideas. I am now actually looking forward to my next full day on my own with the boys to try out some of the ideas. And I am off to bed now. Early.

I stopped in a very selfish way.

I imagined people were listening to me all the time and what people would think of me, and also, what I wanted my children to remember me as when they were
adults as it has so much impact on us.

It worked!!

Well, I managed a whole day, and am sooo pleased with myself.
Today has started ok, but normally would be a shouty day as I have so much to get done on Fridays.
I have decided to see how much less/more I get done if I don't shout - Sort of an experiment to see if my original justification for shouting ie if I want anything done at my pace I can only achieve it by shouting, was an excuse.

Will let you know once the day is done

Morning all - not doing too bad with the no shouting thing and do you know what my general mood feels much improved.

Did raise my voice at ds1 yesterday but was much more controlled and it was because he wouldn't get in the car and kicked the car door which made it hit another parked car. (which the woman was sitting in )

Terrible nights sleep with ds2 last night the worst in quite a while actually so I've ordered that book you recomended FlimFlam.

Have to confess though Norks I have probably got less done this week but I have to say it's been worth it to not feel so guilty all the time! Although it's been my choice to do less rather than the dc's behaviour not allowing me to IYSWIM

Since I saw this thread I have been trying not to shout as much.

Today is a good day.

I have a smile on my face for probably the wrong reason but we have to take our happiness where we can.

Got some stuff done, done some cleaning, all under control.

MmeLindt

I can't help thinking that reins would be a good idea if there is a safety risk and just ignore other peoples comments.

I'm too shouty too... but reading this has made me realise that I'm not alone so thank you guys! Also, reading your posts made me just think - hang on a sec, the fact that you are all concerned about this and that you recognise it as something worth changing, just goes to show that you're nothing like 'bad mums', infact the opposite, you all obviously put a lot of time and effort into your parenting and to improving family life, which is all for the good of your children, so less guilt. (impossible I know!!)

I have 2 dds 5 and 10 months, and am 31 weeks preg. soooooo tired, feel like am down and crappy and short tempered all the time. not getting much sleep as 10 mnth old wakes, and v. uncomfy bit of pregnancy.feel overwhelmed by amount to do in house and all the jobs and organising. my h is lovely, but gets brunt of my crossness - i take things out on him - often in front of the children. absolutely hate myself sometimes which just makes me feel crosser!! My mum was a shouter and i never felt like she liked me much - i really really love my girls and i don't want them to feel like that about me when they are grown up.
i'll stop now and read some more of your helpful tips!! thanks

danae thats exactly how i am in your description
so rare times i shout they are like woah whats up? and listen to me
great point you made and very well put,if id have said it it would of come out wrong

So, feel I am doing quite well, one minor shouty episode yesterday, but as soon as I started to lose it DD screamed BALLS at the top of her voice and ran for the balls and jar, and I dissolved into fits of giggles

Today wash bath and hairwash morning, and DD is notorious for refusing this. after a bit of discussion its because she wants to be independent( she is only just 4) so I agreed she could run her own bath and I would sit in the hallway with door open so she could do it all herself as long as she let me check the temp before she got in...... You know what she managed perfectly, probably didn't get all the soap out of her hair like I would have but she was happy and smiley throughout, and no shouting.

A few days ago I would just have yelled and had her kicking and screaming through the whole procedure.

I now realise my days are going to run at a much slower pace, and I won't get as much done, but we will all be calm and happy

That's great norks. I agree everything is a bit slower and my untidy home is slighty more untidy but there is more calm and I actually feel better in myself than I have done in a long time.

I did get a bit impatient yesterday and ds1 said "You're not talking to me nicely are you Mum?"

hi everyone.
thats great norks and connor, wish i could say things had been good here too, but sadly no.
i havent been as bad, but still shouting, and feeling stressed.
going for a walk with the little ones now.... hopefully that will help.
have a good day all

Does anybody here shout at little ones though? I shout at DD who is 6 but I also shout at DS who is only 15 months I shouted at him today and he laid on the floor and hid his head

What makes me shout is feeling like I'm losing control of my DCs. I can ask and ask and ask and nobody listens, so I feel like I have to shout to get myself heard.

Hello from another shouter.I really try not to shout but like al lot of you I didn't shout much until dd2 was born.She is 20m and has never slept through.She wakes up a lot and I am really exhausted and that is the main cause of my shouting.I get very upset about at at times and feel like a really horrible mother,but I still snap when I have had a terrible night.My dds are both quite shouty too which doesn't help,they shout because I shout and then I shout at them for shouting..well mostly I shout at dd1 .I don't shout every day,but it does seem to have become my default setting.I had a couple of nights where the baby only woke up twice and I was a different person! so jolly and tolerant!

Was doing quite well but totaly f*cked it up this morning really bawled ds1 out for flicking his fingers in ds2's face. He does it all the time and really upsets ds2. I asked him twice to stop and when he carried on I saw red.

Oh my goodness... thankyou so much for this thread. Really thought I had lost it today and it was JUST ME! Like many have said I have become more and more shouty since DS2 who is now 16months! Had PND after DS1 which I put down to hideous birth so had high expectations for DS2.. perfect birth, happy cheery mummy! Not so. Planned CS all fine but 16 months on a clingy hate to say often miserable babe, still not having had a full nights sleep and with a challenging 3 year old who I can hear repeating my own impatient shoutiness. Think most of the time they'd be better off without me! My DH keeps telling me to go to the drs, have tried the usual st Johns wart etc but am reluctant to admit to being depressed, know in the line of work I am in it will affect jobs in the future!Know I am passing on hideous characteristics and resulting in neither DS listening to me! Ironically was on a course today about behaviour management and was told that shouting should be a last resort and only when you are calm! Then came home and LOST IT! Now feel wretched, guilty qnd hate myself for being such a rubbish Mum.

Have just gone back over your post Danae and after drying tears (needed that I think!) am determined to stop stressing over so many little things. You talk so much sense and there is so much good advice on here! So glad you started it Connor!

Welcome to the thread Olamamas. Seems to be a coomon theme among us to with toddlers, babies and lack of sleep!!

A so so day today. No shouting as such but a fair bit of impatience. Oh well tomorrow is another day. Start a fresh!!

Thanks Connor... Really tried hard today to use some of the great advice on here! Have to say had a much better day. Abandoned the housework and just had fun! Had to use an unrecognisable gritted teeth almost sickly with patience voice a number of times....(whilst reeling internally!) but at least I didn't shout! House looks like I've been burgled but hey it was a positive start! Under no illusions I am cured although like you say tomorrow is another day! It's also a work day! And at the moment compared with home it's more like a break away!

Yes I've found that my best days so far are when I say sod it to all the housework. But I guess you can't do everything!