Who should do the cooking in the evening? Me at work or him at home?

[bergentulip]

Genuine query, as my DH and I have recently switched roles. He is now SAHP and I am now working fulltime.

Now, before the birth of DS2 I was working parttime, him fulltime, when I was at home all day I would always cook the meal, considering I had all day to work out what to cook/defrost/buy etc,..... When we had both been at work, we'd take it in turns mostly. Weekends, again, sharing.
Same with when I was at home fulltime for the year of my maternity leave both times. Me at home, me cook.

Now, I would have thought that if I am at work every day that perhaps it would now be, generally speaking, down to my DH to sort out the dinner?
As soon as I am in the door, I do start sorting and tidying, dealing with our DSs (3.5yrs and 1yr), we both get them ready for bed etc.... tasks are shared very fairly I would think, but gone 7pm, I feel that there should at least be an idea of what might be on offer.

No? Am I being unfair and irrational and expecting too much?

Maybe you need to meal-plan together at the weekends so that it's very clear what needs to be started for each meal. I would expect my dh to cook if I was working f/t with him at home but I wouldn't expect him to get with the programme as effortlessly as most women.

Well, in our house my dh does the evening meal (but I cook for the kids) during the week and he does all the cooking at the weekends. (He also puts the dcs to bed )

I work 2 days per week, he is full time.

He enjoys it though and finds it very relaxing.

I am lazy, I'll admit!

I think your dh should at least share it with you, if it's not what you want to be doing every evening.

Depends if he can actually cook?

Perhaps sit down and decide what you are going to eat for the week and plan some slow cooker meals that you can prepare together, some pasta dishes that can be prepared in advance and some quick and easy suppers that take no more than 10 mins to whip up.

You have role reversed but he will do your role differently from how you did it, so talk about shopping and dinner and what you are having.

I do all the cooking here despite working 3 full days a week. However on those days we have something that I have pre-prepared on a non-working day. And if DH is home significantly before me, I would expect him to stick some pasta on and warm up the bolognaise, for instance. We generally eat as a family btw.

Mmm.. how long as this been going on? Maybe he's not used to this level of forward planning yet? my DP is happy to do dinner, but it doesn't occur to him to even think about it until 7:15. If at 15:00 I call him and point out that if we need supper made of x,y,z and he'll need to shop and prepare, no problem.

So... you need to agree with him if you both agree dinner is his task, then he needs to learn. Or, if it stays a shared task, then you'll need to help him, perhaps by doing the forward planning and thinking part while he implementS?

I work pt, dh ft but we tend to share,as I'm usually working later than him on a Monday and Tuesday, so he tends to do those days and sometimes something at the weekend, depending on what other jobs we are each doing then. Have never noticed him less capable than a woman getting organised. But the his Dad was a SAHD- and his Mum can't cook.

I think you need to sit down with him and work out some sort of routine for the evenings that you're both happy with. I don't think it's unreasonable for your DH to organise the evening meal during the week - this is what I do as a SAHM, we all eat together when DH gets home at 6.30 then DH gets DD off to bed while I tidy up the kitchen. We are then both finished for the day at about the same time.

You have to figure out between you what works best for you both - it's not really fair if you are finished for the day at 7, and he then has to start cooking a meal. Do you both need to be involved in getting the kids ready for bed? Maybe you could take on more of the bedtime stuff while he starts cooking, or vice-versa?

When I was SAHM, on good days, I did the food shopping and planning and prepared the evening meal in the morning when I had most energy (or prepped it while I was preparing dd's lunch and killed two birds with one stone)

I never ever felt much like actually cooking the evening meal though because I had been home all day, was fed up of domesticity, needed a change, 5 to 7 are the witching hours for children etc etc so dh, when not away travelling, would come home and take up where I'd left off ...but he does enjoy cooking like elsiepiddock's dh

On bad days my dh came home and and cooked from scratch but that meant it was always late.

Now I'm coming in from work, I don't mind doing the cooking because it's a change from what I have been doing all day (office work)

So could you compromise on him shopping and prepping and you cooking? Alternatively, meal plan and negotiate it between you and write down a schedule so everyone knows what's what.

One good tip from here is to always have one meal a week already prepared in the freezer (such as spag bol) for emergencies. Good for Monday nights if you don't have leftovers from Sunday lunch for example or on Fridays when everyone's too tired ...

YANBU

Just got home, DH gone off to the supermarket.... forward planning??! Anyway.

The suggestion that we sit down and work out some sort of meal plan is a good one, lots of people suggesting that.
And also fair point about, if I am finished with my day at 7pm, why should DH have to keep slogging away in the kitchen beyond my 'clocking off' time.

We both enjoy cooking- when not tired- and we both can cook, so it's not so much about who's better, or likes doing it more. The one thing that really separates us is the forward planning element I think, and if we can do that bit together, maybe the rest will fall into place.

It's been about 2 months so far, and I think we still need to figure it out. Generally working pretty well though.

(Now, step two- how to stop him feeding my children plain couscous, beans and plain yoghurt mixed up in a bowl (amazing disbelief follows when they refuse to eat it!!) ) (!)

Thanks all for the ideas!!

Sometimes I work, dh works all the time. He usually cooks dinner, mainly because I am an appalling cook, but I will do a lasagne or something occasionally. Whoever doesn't cook, does the bed and bath routine.

The idea about you meal planning and deciding who cooks when is good.

Meal planning definitely - I do this on a Friday and then use it as a basis for a shopping list (DH does the Big Shop once a week). Also we are lucky that DH tends to get home around 6pm so we eat with DS and then I tidy up whilst he puts him to bed. In your situation maybe suggest to DH that he gets into the habit of preparing just one meal that can be served to the children for early tea, but that will still be good for later when you both eat - casseroles, soups, stews etc are good for this. Either that or children have main meal in middle of the day and light tea?

DH always does a curry from scratch on either Friday or Saturday - but then he enjoys this and is a sort of hobby!

Meal planning has changed our lives!

Finally got it together after endless arguments (both ft oh).

It's true that when you are home you don't always feel like doing it (I'm home with the kids on a Wednesday out of choice but don't always want to produce a gourmet meal - would rather spend the time with them.)

If you do the plan together you will find it loads easier and you can agree on who does what.

meal planning in this house. shopping is bought once a week to do the right number of meals and most weeks note is pinned up in kitchen with reminder of what is for what night and who is in to eat it. I am SAHM mostly . Dh gets in at 6 and if its a family meal I will have it ready for six and we ll eat together. If dh is late he has to microwave his portion to re-heat.
On non family meal days I cook for/ feed boy and then generally dh will cook for us 2 adults, he likes cooking and on somethings is better than me.

I work full-time and dp works part time. I meal plan each week so that on one day a week there is a full meal he can cook and on at least some of the other days he can begin to prepare stuff. He's still broadening his cooking repetoire and this way he's involved and helping - and ultimately will cook more each week!

I share it with dh (who is away a lot) - I am a SAHM at the moment as just had dc3. It depends which of us is most tired. He is away a lot so leaves me with everything to do a lot so I think that's fair. We are both tired all the time, just for different reasons...I think you have to be flexible

It sounds like your DH is at the beginning stage of learning how to cook. He needs to be taught I think or perhaps buy him the book from amazon about how to cook with 3 or 4 ingredients! I went through the pain of teaching myself years and years ago but DH just went for the expensive reayd meal takeaway option. as a result he just wouldn't be up for the job of producing x number of meals a day for the kids and then another for us in the evening. He would implode. You need to highlight to him what's needed and how he can go about it. Perhaps if you meal planned with him and helped him find recipes that don't scare him? He'll get there in time - we all did and it took time for all of us!

I work, DH is a SAHD - he cooks tea for the DSs but I usually cook for him and me later in the evening. I actually like cooking though, and find it relaxing.

Agree that meal planning is a good idea though - we do plan, and he does shop for the food.

My dp works full time but doesn't get home until around 6pm at the earliest so I cook monday-Thursday. He finished work at 1pm on a Friday so usually he cooks then and at the weekend.

he should be looking after the cooking, and i don't say that because my DH is a chef and i am very lucky that he cooks all meals on his days off but because your DH is, like you said about yourself when you were a SAHP, is home all day to figure out what the heck to make. and don't worry so much about the 'clocking off' at 7pm. he's likely had more breaks throughout his day then you. the role change may have left him wondering exactly what to do and perhaps he can't quite think in that capacity. when my DH has been between jobs or is off, he has no idea what to do with himself, and i somehow i always manage to gain weight when he's off so finding him jobs around the house is a good thing. but we are usually in the kitchen together because we love it, the chatting and cajoling.

We generally share (fella f/t - I'm p/t) but we invested in a slow cooker as it seemed after he got home one of us was always tied to kitchen. Now we just Switch on on a morning and ready for later that day. Once you get in the swing of a few different meal ideas it is easy and does save you time at that time when putting kids to bed / winding down for the evening.

I was put off initially by the idea (70's throw back etc) but we use it around 3 times a week.

I do most of the cooking , me p/t DH f/t, primarily because I have certain standards about what I eat and whilst I'm prepared to accept the whole DH doing things "differently" than myself in a whol host of areas because it means less work for myself, I refuse to eat meals with no carbohydrate, stir fries made with stewing meat or bizarre concoctions of items that were reduced/or are now out of date from the supermarket.

DH makes quite a nice curry so he will do that once a fortnight or so, but also can't be bothered with the adulation that I have to provide " Oh yes it is yummy DH" " Yes you did chop the vegetables well" " Gosh yes what a super curry" etc etc so its quite frankly simpler to do it myself.

In your case, I would agree that either you pick up the cooking when you get home or you put the DCs to bed whilst your DH does it. You could also provide him with a shopping list so all the items are in the house. Agree is spoon feeding, but then tis better than eating at 9pm in the evening, and if he is good at other things i.e. looking after DCs, paperwork, gardening housework, then doesn't seem too bad to me.

Duckquack, am intrigued by your slowcooking meals. TBH I don't mind our slow cooker but find it quite cumbersome having to prepare the meal the night before with pre frying etc. Do you not pre fry and what things do you make ? Sorry if digressing but really wanted to know.

I write a menu planner and shopping list every Tuesday, so that whoever's turn it is to cook we both know exactly what to make. I prefer to make in advance, DH prefers just before eating so on his days it omlets, pasta or stirfys. On my days its jacket potatoes, spag bol or slow cooker stews. The days depend on who is at home earlier. Maybe write your menus together so he will make things that you approve of without making him feel too bossed around?

I work part time from home and look after DD the rest of the time, DH works full time. When he gets in I cook while he looks after DD, does bath and her bedtime. then we eat. Then he cleans up the kitchen while I tidy up a bit. That works for us because (a) I really enjoy cooking and (b) he hasn't seen DD all day so gets to spend some time with her.

I think the exact arrangement you reach is up to you, the most important thing for me is that we both get a chance to sit down and relax at the same time rather than one of us watching TV while the other carries on working.

I think you are right. For most people, what with putting children to bed, getting stuff ready for the next day etc. there is more than enough to do, so few people can expect to walk through the door and be handed the paper, their slippers and a G&T. However, it is easier to start cooking the evening meal earlier in the day. By 7pm, most parents' brains have turned to mush and its just too late to think about cooking anything sensible.