Who should do the cooking in the evening? Me at work or him at home?

[bergentulip]

Genuine query, as my DH and I have recently switched roles. He is now SAHP and I am now working fulltime.

Now, before the birth of DS2 I was working parttime, him fulltime, when I was at home all day I would always cook the meal, considering I had all day to work out what to cook/defrost/buy etc,..... When we had both been at work, we'd take it in turns mostly. Weekends, again, sharing.
Same with when I was at home fulltime for the year of my maternity leave both times. Me at home, me cook.

Now, I would have thought that if I am at work every day that perhaps it would now be, generally speaking, down to my DH to sort out the dinner?
As soon as I am in the door, I do start sorting and tidying, dealing with our DSs (3.5yrs and 1yr), we both get them ready for bed etc.... tasks are shared very fairly I would think, but gone 7pm, I feel that there should at least be an idea of what might be on offer.

No? Am I being unfair and irrational and expecting too much?

[blackrock]

DH and myself both PT, I am home more than him. DH cooks, I shop, I garden, we both clean.

DH likes cooking and it tastes better. So both happy.

[rookiemater]

Thanks duckquackquack, must try without prefrying, plus your colleagues idea sounds really good.

[elliott]

I think it depends what you both prefer. Or maybe you should share it. Personally if I've been looking after the kids all day, I would prefer to be left in peace cooking while dh dealt with bathtime.
But I agree that it needs to be planned ahead.

[Sycamoretree]

My Dh is a SAHD and I work full time. Tends to be that I swoop in and take over with kids as soon as home to make the most of my time with them, so I do bathtime, then bed and stories. He's normally peeling the spuds or whatever whilst all this is going on, so yes, he does the evening meal by and large.

[cornflakegirl]

DH has been a SAHD for nearly 3 years, and I work full time. To start with, he wasn't a very confident cook. Now, we have a notebook full of the recipes for our regular meals, because he prefers to work from a recipe. We also meal plan (I do most of the shopping).

He cooks on weekdays, because we all eat together, and I don't get it till about 6. We share the cooking at the weekend. DH is now a good cook, and has recipes that he has discovered that he makes better than I do.

(The baking is still all mine though!)

[alittleteapot]

ps we often do what others have mentioned where i buy and prep and dh finishes off while i'm putting dd to bed. but he's often not home till 8/8.30 and then it all gets a bit late. sometimes i'd rather just eat at 5.30 with dd!

[alittleteapot]

i'm a sahm and find it really really hard to get a meal on the table for dh having already done one for dd earlier. partly i don't think i'm as organised as i should be, partly dd is not brilliant at letting me get on with things. i do however have this guilty feeling that i should be looking after our evening meals. however, in a way this isnt' fair in that i am working all day too, looking after a one year old, and that is very all consuming. i agree slow cooking is a good option, as is making double quantities and freezing some.
there's also the thing that he gets home just as i'm putting her to bed and then i'm suddenly just SO bushed. then start cooking and it ends up being super late before we eat. what i really want is him home at 6 to bath dd while i cook and then we're all laughing.

so, i don't think you're being unreasonable but I don't think he is either, just a difficult juggling act.

[duckquackquack]

Hi Rookiemater

We have slow cooker one pot casserole book by Catherine Atkinson. This is good for Fish / veggie dishes where you don't need to prefry (the majority of meat recipes need frying first).

We tend to pile raw veg and raw cubed casserole meat all in with a packet casserole mix and leave for a good 8 hours - the meat is thoroughly cooked and is lovely.

We were talking about this today at work - and my collegue puts raw chicken in with mushrooms and onions and then pours a jar of sauce over (e.g. lloyd grosemans cajun chicken) and says this cooks properly and is really nice. The cooker is left around 8 hours so cooks all day whilst out / busy.

Hope this helps.

[Madsometimes]

dh works fulltime and I am a SAHM. I cook tea for the children at about 4:30-5, because they are tired and need a meal in them pretty much straight after school. dh comes home at about 5-6, we sit down and have some family time and a cup of tea together. Then at 6:30, I do children's bath and get them ready for bed, and dh prepares the evening meal. He reads them a story at about 7, and then I put them to bed while he cooks my dinner

He does meal plan, and like thumbwitch says finds doing the cooking less stressful than looking after children. My dh is a good cook, whereas my kitchen skills are similar to Wendy Craig's in Butterflies (wish I looked like her!). To help my dh I sometimes help prepare the food during the day, eg. today he will make a bolognaise, and I will cut up all the veggies before he gets home.

[rookiemater]

Thanks duckquack. Sorry to be real pest, but can you let me know which books you recommend, I just haven't seen any that don't require pre frying. ( Sorry OP for shameless thread hijack)

[duckquackquack]

Hi Rookiemater

No expert I'm afraid - so have shyed away from any prefrying recipes. Have stuck to ones where everything goes in pot and gets turned on - such as fish pie, some stews don't require prefrying, vegie stews.

DH leaves for work really early - so sometimes such as a veggie stew I'll chop veg up cover with water in fridge over night and he'll turn on in the morning - then it's on for a good 8 hours and then we'll all eat together at 5 (well we might, DC might just join us dependent upon mood she takes that day oh the joy she is at the moment!!)

Hope this helps - no cook I'm afraid. There are slow cooker books on Amazon really cheap.

[thumbwitch]

not sure - my DH works FT, I work PT but at home, plus fulltime care for my DS (11mo). DH gets to sleep through the night every night, I do all the night stuff (DS still bf'ing, wakes usually once).

DH does the cooking. I have given him the choice a few times - look after DS and I will do the cooking, or do the cooking - and he always chooses to cook. He finds looking after DS for more than an hour a bit taxing, bless him, and the cooking is easier for him than DS after a day at work.

So, I don't know if it is entirely reasonable to expect your DH to cook after looking after both DC all day - I know I'm not keen with just the one!

[chefswife]

i am certainly not an instinctive cook. i like throwing together a few veg and tossing them with pasta or those one pot wonders like stews and slowcooks. my DH will open the fridge before he goes to work and tells me what i could have for dinner, how to cook it, etc. i can bake though. and i take full responsibility for everything else around the house from cleaning to handyman stuff to car maintenance. i just ask that he puts his dirty clothes in the hamper. we are expecting our first and have already developed, albeit a loose one, a plan of shared action. here's to hoping it works a little.

ok, i don't quite remember where i was going with this. um... how about a cook book for your DH for Christmas. i'm sure there's some out there geared exactly for what you need him to do.

[VirginiaWoolf]

I work PT, DH is FT. He does almost all of our cooking, is fantastic self-taught cook, and he plans ahead whilst we do our weekly shop at the weekend.
Sorry, that sounds a bit smug and I didn't mean it to; it just gets to me a little with the suggestion that men need things to be kept simple and taught how to cope etc - I'm paraphrasing, no-one on this particular thread has said that, but it seems to come up on MN so often. Not all women are fantastic instinctive cooks!
Ahem.
Sorry.
[VW shuffles back to generous G & T emoticon]

[baltimore97]

DH and I generally share the cooking burden, even with me on maternity leave at present. We have a meal planner, and I often prep things and he brings it all together when he gets in the door.

Bergen, I think we may share the same DH. Without the mealplanner, if left up to him, dinner would be "bread and catchit" every night (as it used to be called in my parent's house). I also often find him trying to feed the DDs revolting things that they are refusing to eat, such as giving DD1 (2.5yrs) a mix of all the left over purees in the fridge not eaten by DD2 (7mths)....

[rachels103]

I can see several other people have suggested menu planning....it saved us!

Dh and I swapped roles - he now works PT me FT and for the first few months I quietly seethed that there wasn't anything organised for dinner. We finally had a conversation about it and he admitted that he really didn't know where to start with planning everyday meals - he'd always cooked, but only ever 'special' meals where he could go and buy all the ingredients. He had no experience of looking in the cupboards and deciding what to make from what was there. Now we do a weekly menu and he's fine. If we forget to, he's still lost!

I do think it should be his responsibility, but he might need some help getting there!!!!
Good luck.

[MadamePlatypus]

The only thing I would say is that depending on ages and quantity of children, it is likely that a SAHP may have already cooked three meals by 7pm and provided a variety of snacks and drinks and just feel that they are absolutely THROUGH with the kitchen. Yes, they can meal plan and prepare food for the evening while sorting out other food during the day, but it's not surprising that a person might get to a stage in the day where they want to throw down the saucepan.

[MadamePlatypus]

I think you are right. For most people, what with putting children to bed, getting stuff ready for the next day etc. there is more than enough to do, so few people can expect to walk through the door and be handed the paper, their slippers and a G&T. However, it is easier to start cooking the evening meal earlier in the day. By 7pm, most parents' brains have turned to mush and its just too late to think about cooking anything sensible.

[Sunshinetoast]

I work part time from home and look after DD the rest of the time, DH works full time. When he gets in I cook while he looks after DD, does bath and her bedtime. then we eat. Then he cleans up the kitchen while I tidy up a bit. That works for us because (a) I really enjoy cooking and (b) he hasn't seen DD all day so gets to spend some time with her.

I think the exact arrangement you reach is up to you, the most important thing for me is that we both get a chance to sit down and relax at the same time rather than one of us watching TV while the other carries on working.

[naomi83]

I write a menu planner and shopping list every Tuesday, so that whoever's turn it is to cook we both know exactly what to make. I prefer to make in advance, DH prefers just before eating so on his days it omlets, pasta or stirfys. On my days its jacket potatoes, spag bol or slow cooker stews. The days depend on who is at home earlier. Maybe write your menus together so he will make things that you approve of without making him feel too bossed around?

[rookiemater]

I do most of the cooking , me p/t DH f/t, primarily because I have certain standards about what I eat and whilst I'm prepared to accept the whole DH doing things "differently" than myself in a whol host of areas because it means less work for myself, I refuse to eat meals with no carbohydrate, stir fries made with stewing meat or bizarre concoctions of items that were reduced/or are now out of date from the supermarket.

DH makes quite a nice curry so he will do that once a fortnight or so, but also can't be bothered with the adulation that I have to provide " Oh yes it is yummy DH" " Yes you did chop the vegetables well" " Gosh yes what a super curry" etc etc so its quite frankly simpler to do it myself.

In your case, I would agree that either you pick up the cooking when you get home or you put the DCs to bed whilst your DH does it. You could also provide him with a shopping list so all the items are in the house. Agree is spoon feeding, but then tis better than eating at 9pm in the evening, and if he is good at other things i.e. looking after DCs, paperwork, gardening housework, then doesn't seem too bad to me.

Duckquack, am intrigued by your slowcooking meals. TBH I don't mind our slow cooker but find it quite cumbersome having to prepare the meal the night before with pre frying etc. Do you not pre fry and what things do you make ? Sorry if digressing but really wanted to know.

[duckquackquack]

We generally share (fella f/t - I'm p/t) but we invested in a slow cooker as it seemed after he got home one of us was always tied to kitchen. Now we just Switch on on a morning and ready for later that day. Once you get in the swing of a few different meal ideas it is easy and does save you time at that time when putting kids to bed / winding down for the evening.

I was put off initially by the idea (70's throw back etc) but we use it around 3 times a week.

[chefswife]

he should be looking after the cooking, and i don't say that because my DH is a chef and i am very lucky that he cooks all meals on his days off but because your DH is, like you said about yourself when you were a SAHP, is home all day to figure out what the heck to make. and don't worry so much about the 'clocking off' at 7pm. he's likely had more breaks throughout his day then you. the role change may have left him wondering exactly what to do and perhaps he can't quite think in that capacity. when my DH has been between jobs or is off, he has no idea what to do with himself, and i somehow i always manage to gain weight when he's off so finding him jobs around the house is a good thing. but we are usually in the kitchen together because we love it, the chatting and cajoling.

[ledodgy]

My dp works full time but doesn't get home until around 6pm at the earliest so I cook monday-Thursday. He finished work at 1pm on a Friday so usually he cooks then and at the weekend.

[SixSpotBonfire]

I work, DH is a SAHD - he cooks tea for the DSs but I usually cook for him and me later in the evening. I actually like cooking though, and find it relaxing.

Agree that meal planning is a good idea though - we do plan, and he does shop for the food.