Does anyone do Unconditional Parenting with a 2 year old??

[nappyaddict]

There seems to be a lot of explaining things for it to work and I just don't think a 2 year old has the understanding for it to work. Would love to be proved wrong though

I usually give him a choice of 2 outfits to wear. It's just the getting them on and keeping them on that's the problem. As soon as he wakes up he strips off his pyjama bottoms cos he hates having trousers on. He hardly ever has trousers on in the house which I don't mind but it's a bit cold to go outside with no clothes on.

We had a tantrum last week cos he went outside in the garden with just a tshirt and trousers on - no shoes, socks or coat and I wanted him to put them on. Would AK say to have let him get on with it and freeze, made him put them on or made him come inside?

No idea what AK would say but I would have warned him about getting cold and then let him go out while waiting in the background with his coat, shoes and other stuff ready for when he came back in freezing. Although he possibly might not want to go back out.

Has anyone read 'playful parenting'? Its a great book and has so many examples of how relaxing and just turning everything into a game can make the most difficult situation quite enjoyable. I cant think of any examples but i know that whenever im getting really frustrated about DS not getting his shoes on/coat on/running away from me etc etc if i go all silly and start doing daft things with his clothes or doing a funny dance or something we both end up laughing together and whatever it was that needed doing gets done eventually.

But yes, its bloody hard work sometimes!

Today we had planned to go to an autumn fun event in the park, but when we got there DS refused to go throught the gates into the bowling green area where it was being held and so we ended up having a nice walk through the park looking at squirrels and picking up leaves. Luckily my friend who i was with (hi Snippety if you are out there, you lurker you) is very AP and didnt mind the change of plans at all.

well that is what i let him do thinking he'd come back in after he realised how cold it was but he didn't come in for about half an hour. so with bearing that in mind if he wants to do the same tomorrow should i still let him? was worried it might be a bit neglectful!

i suppose id let him go out how he wanted, if it was just in our garden and he was safe. It seems a bit uncaring doesnt it - but the fact that we agonise over these decisions means we DO care!! There's a book called 'your competent child' i think its by Jesper Jule or someone, but its about how we dont give our children credit for being, well, ....competent! In other words i shouldnt get worked up about how little my DS eats, and maybe if you let yours go out barefoot he will come in when he gets too cold.

child prefering naked:

put clothes on outside when child gets cold

have a long fleecy poncho which child can go commando under

dressing-up type clothes for outside expeditions

if you are a slinging parent, then tuck them in the sling, maybe wrapping a scarf round both your necks. Depends where you're going obviously, if it'd be a problem that they were naked when you got to your destination

try different kinds of fabric. get rid of the labels? (can be scratchy)

they might like a leotard type thing - not so constricting as other clothes

remember the definition of a cardigan (a garment worn by a child whose mother is a little chilly), and also that it too will pass. ommmmmmmm.

not that im obsessed about my DS and parenting and i am single handedly making sure Amazon doesnt feel any of this recession in my quest to read every word ever printed about AP/UP!!

i LOVE the cardi definition onward!

Like many others I didn't know there was a name for this. I'm delighted to find that, far from being laid-back (some might even say lazy) I am indeed following a "method"! Excellent stuff.

Seriously though, I totally agree with the premise of this. My DS is 2 and a bit and I've always tried to treat him as an equal from the word go. I explain things to him, I encourage him to make choices, I don't sweat the small stuff, etc. At the moment he is going through the "no" phase, but I'm sure this would have happened regardless.

Out of interest though, how do you lot deal with the "No" phase?

As the adult I would not be prepared to let a 2 yr old go out bare foot and inadequately clothed in very cold weather! They would have a simple choice-wear appropriate clothes or stay inside.

well I';ve done a fair bit of negotiating/offering choices/reasoning with dc4 (now 4yrs) but ultimately the only unconditional aspect of my parenting is that I Am In Charge. haven't got time usually for the meandering aspect of all these methods.

Just realised i did a very UP thing today - DS needed new shoes - when doesnt he?? - and hes always loved the sparkly girls shoes, so today i thought - why the hell not, so he was proudly stomping round in some purple glittery trainers. He loved them so much he wanted to go to bed in them. DH not amused. I have to admit, the thought of the look on my inlaws faces when they visit (again) next week may have contributed to this decision!!

that would be within my brackets pooter; let us know what the inlaws think !

nappyadict; sorry, I somewhat abandonned the thread there, having said I found it worked suprisingly well with a 2.4 yo (and no, his understanding is definitely not advanced, and nether is his speech, in fact he's under SALT).

I definitely don't ask why; he's not be able to reply, for a start. But I explain why I need him to do something. So if it's running away in the shops, I'll explain why (eg, just while I pay, look at x, y,z), and tell him that if he can't help himself I'll need to put him in the pushchair/reins. I'll give him a some time to make the decision, and I always give him second chances. Often, second time round he'll do what I need him to. But then when I don't need him to, I allow him to do it his way, and I think it's the balance that counts.

Re getting drseed, this is another one of ours. I'll ask him if he wants to get dressed, often he'll decline once he's stripped to his nappy. I tell that that's OK, but he might get cold, so i'll take some clothes out in case he changes his mind. Usually we don't get out the door before he asks to put his clothes on. Although once it was half way to nursery. the difference between doing this and using it as a punishment/consequence, as I see it, is that when he asks for my help, I give it. The end result is the same; he gets to nursery dressed. When it gets down to it, the order isn't really important.

Maybe this isn't "pure" UC, but I don't think that's what it's about. I take the philosophy, and use it to come up with techniques/methods that suit me and my boy. And no doubt I'll need something different for bump.

I have always done a lot of explaining to my DD, right from birth. Now she is 3.11 I find I have to do a lot less, as she is able to work out so much more for herself . Though sometimes I do need to help her refine her analysis of events

i think notanexcitinggame gives a really good account of how UP can work for a young child . i DO think they need their choices limited and a lot of it is about anticipating choices and trying to select environments in which they can suceed.

I think onwards is very right re explaining. you need to explain so he understands. often I don't really explain, I rationalise so I understand, iykwim. 2 yos don't really get paragraphs, I have learnt.

but also-these techniques don't tend to work overnight. kids do often "play up" at first while their expectations readjust.

i let my dc do anything they liked (as long as it wasn't dangerous) until they could talk and really understand...just wasting your time trying to reason with a 2 yr old.

but what did you do about behaviour towards others, and things that WERE actually dangerous, darkpunk?

i've figured out dd just doesn't get as cold as me. dh is the same. so i can't insist she wears a coat/socks whatever because it's cold. when she does get cold she asks for her coat. there is no battle.

for something dangerous i explain then distract. we don't have stairgates, we don't have cupboard locks, don't use reins or anything. she has learnt to behave appropriately with all these dangers around her. like i said before, i don't know if this is because of UP style from an early age.

I know someone who carried this to extremes. On a cliff top walk she told her DCs the dangers and left it to them! Her DCs were rather sad little things with no self confidence, if your parent isn't making sure that you are safe the world is a scary place!
I think life is much simpler and secure at that age if their are boundries. For example there is no way I would take a DC half dressed to nursery!
I agree with Fillyjonk, anticipate the choices and limit them. I was a very rational child and I can't tell you how tiring it is to be reasoned with all the time!!

i have made sure she's safe. she knows the boundaries because i've explained, and shown her other things which are far more interesting.

and as for going to nursery half dressed while quite frankly so what? half the kids in dd's class end up in nothing but a vest and pants if they've been painting. or they strip off to wear the dressy up clothes. plus nurseries tend to be extremely warm, i'm not surprised they strip off.

It might work with one DC but once you have 2 or 3 young DCs it becomes impossible IMO.

well..luckily they we're never that badly behaved tbh...they would fight amoungst themselves. ( i had 3 under 3) but i would just pull them off each other and get the playdough out....i let them develope at their own pace, once they started to talk and actually understand me..i would explain to them they can't draw on the walls or try and put the cat in the washing machine...it worked... and if they wanted to go shopping in their favourite pyjamas, ...cool... i just put their coat over them...

You have trouble as soon as you have more than one DC, especially if they are equally strong minded!
For example DC2 takes a liking to DC1's teddy and wants to take it to nursery. DC1 says it is her teddy and no way is DC2 taking it anywhere. Both throw tantrums and neither is giving in-DC2 won't listen to the fact that it isn't her teddy or be distracted with another teddy. DC1 won't listen to any arguments about being kind to younger children or that if she ignores it DC2 will forget about it.
The adult has to step in and say it is DC1's teddy and DC2 has to give it back!