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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

Does anyone do Unconditional Parenting with a 2 year old??

182 replies

nappyaddict · 28/10/2008 13:25

There seems to be a lot of explaining things for it to work and I just don't think a 2 year old has the understanding for it to work. Would love to be proved wrong though

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stayinbed · 29/10/2008 20:41

you can try to give them two choices which are both right choices, that way they are making their own choice and it will have a good outcome.

with my dd1 she likes to be cheeky and give me a choice which is 'bad' (ie a chocolate egg and then i'll go to bed), i laugh as though i find it as silly as a joke and give her other options all of which are appropriate

onwardandoutward · 29/10/2008 20:42

Really great thread here about common preference finding with pre-verbal children -
and another useful thread for you here

All about how to live non-coercively with pre-verbal children.

And the piece of advice I really appreciated when we first hit that mobile-but-not-reasoning-verbally stage was

for every paragraph you were about to utter, replace with a sentence

For every sentence, replace with a word

For every word, consider replacing with a helpful action

So much adult discourse is just yada yada yada to a child.

Original poster

nappyaddict · 29/10/2008 20:43

He's been going to toddler groups etc for ages so it's not that he's not used to socialising. In fact I think it started before we began going to them.

OK so as I thought 2 is too young for asking him why he's doing it. Sometimes he is tired when he does it so should I mention that when I'm saying the whole don't hit thing or not? Something like I know you're tired and irritable but that's not a reason to hit X cos he has the thomas train that you want. You have to wait your turn patiently and when he's finished playing with it you can have it. It's not nice too hit is it, we have to play nicely together. Or is that too much explanation?

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General parenting

stayinbed · 29/10/2008 20:44

when he hits/bites/pinches, take his hand and do 'gentle' with him instead and say 'that feels really nice' or 'do this instead it feels better' or 'the little boy likes this' or 'mummy likes when you do gentle'

not sitting down - in some cases if your on a bus and its dangerous - you may have to be more forceful to get him to sit down for saftey, and then explain to him why he has to sit - point outside at the cars and show him how fast they are going (it will also distract him), get him to look around at the other people sitting, turn it into something fun, make up a song about sitting for safety etc etc

juuule · 29/10/2008 20:44

Stayinbed - that works for a while if they think it's a game but they soon get to see through it - that the choice is no choice really and then it depends on whether they want to play along.

stayinbed · 29/10/2008 20:47

i think 2 is too young to ask why. my 3.5 year old still can't always answer that (and even when she does her answers aren't always logical)

i think at this age it is more about showing them what they can do that is ok rather than telling them what they can't do

or diverting their attention and changing things from a command to an engaging action

stayinbed · 29/10/2008 20:48

if you give them two or more choices i have found that they will either pick one or say no to both. if they say no to both, you have to try a different tactic than choice. but there are still many things you can do to get positive action.

Original poster

nappyaddict · 29/10/2008 20:50

I didn't really mean offering choices. I read on a different thread that you should say do you think it would be a good idea to sit on the chair or stand up. The idea being that they choose the right answer themselves rather than you saying sit on that chair now and forcing them to do it. But if they pick the wrong answer then surely you have to force them to do it anyway? Or perhaps I misunderstood.

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stayinbed · 29/10/2008 20:51

2 sounds too young to ask that, at least for my dd2, she would not understand the question, for her its about fun, she doesnt realize the consequences of standing up on the bus yet i don't think

juuule · 29/10/2008 20:52

I wouldn't give a choice in that situation, NA. I would tell him to sit down and tell him why.

stayinbed · 29/10/2008 20:53

was about to type same thing as juuule.

in the bus situation - i would get her to sit down and would then explain why

gagarin · 29/10/2008 20:55

trouble is nappy if you put the "wrong" choice into words IMO you end up reinforcing it so it would be better to say "do you think it would be a good idea to sit on your own seat or mummy's lap?"

If you mention the standing up then that becomes a legitimate choice - but it isn't if it's unsafe/someone elses's house etc.

It'd be like saying to us - when we are going for the cholcoate bar "do you think an apple or a choclate bar would be better?"!

stayinbed · 29/10/2008 20:58

a chocolate bar of course !!

gagarin · 29/10/2008 21:04

every time....

Original poster

nappyaddict · 29/10/2008 21:10

juuule - but what if he wouldn't voluntarily sit down. would you sit him down yourself? and if he kept standing up just keeping sitting him back down? Does that not turn it into a fun game?

The other battle we have is getting him dressed in time to go out cos he keeps running off. Any ideas for that one?

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no1putsbabyinthecorner · 29/10/2008 21:13

I didnt realize their was a name for this either
My dd is 20 months and I find distraction works much better than yelling 'no' as dh often does.

Her 'thing' at the moment (or for last few months) is pulling/swinging the vertical blinds.

We recently had a conservatory/extension and debated on blinds.
However I said we should have them and eventually the novelty will wear off.
it hasnt yet.

My dh screams 'no' ,I have started to say 'gently' and show her how to touch and look at them.
so I amnot stopping her from touching them at all. We have the occasional yank at them, but she is slowly losing interest.
Distraction technique also works for me.
I have not experienced many tantrums (Yet!)
but always manage to distract an outburst or nappy changing resisting with a song etcc..
Does that Make sense.
Also ds 9 weeks and she hit him a few times, first time i yelled 'no' but felt really bad. So now we do the stroke touch kiss thing 'gently' seems to be working so far.

no1putsbabyinthecorner · 29/10/2008 21:16

nappyaddict my dd sometimes resists getting dressed, si I turn it into a game, or sing, or say ready steady go... which she loves and works a treat.
Or what about 'lets see who can get dressed first' or would that be encouraging competitive/negative behaviour (god this parenting lark is a minefield)

Original poster

nappyaddict · 29/10/2008 21:16

The thing with the stroke/kiss/cuddle thing is a lot of children don't want to be stroked/kissed/cuddled either. Last week at toddlers DS went to cuddle another boy. This boy did not want to be cuddled so pushed DS away resulting in DS pushing him back. Not quite the desired effect I was after! TBH I can totally see where the boy was coming from. I wouldn't like some stranger coming and invading my personal space trying to cuddle me.

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juuule · 29/10/2008 21:18

Maybe put reins on him and hold him very close to you?
Getting dressed - I'd let him know what was happening and give him time to get used to the idea. Lots of warnings. If it looked like it was going to be a battle I'd have all his clothes ready and have him dressed before he knew it and out the door. Have done this with mine and they were fine once they were out.

Maybe I'm not as UP as I thought I was but some things just have to be done and when all else fails you have to take control.

Original poster

nappyaddict · 29/10/2008 21:19

no1 - he doesn't dress himself so can't really do the who can get dressed first thing.

I tried doing the mulberry bush song with him which he loves until we get to "this is the way we put on our clothes" to which he runs off shrieking no clothes no clothes. And if I pin him down (probably not a very UP thing to do) and manage to get something on him the minute my back is turned he takes it off.

OP posts:

juuule · 29/10/2008 21:24

Have you asked him if he wants to go out with no clothes on? Would he go out without any on? Or is it just a game - you try to dress him and he tries to foil you

Original poster

nappyaddict · 29/10/2008 21:27

I haven't asked him. no. So what happens if I ask him and he says yes? Or looks at me blankly and doesn't say anything? (he's very good at saying no but tbh i can't think of a time when he's said yes)

OP posts:

christiana · 29/10/2008 21:33

Message withdrawn

juuule · 29/10/2008 21:33

Hmm not sure. It would be interesting to find out, don't you think
I did put my ds clothes in a bag and said that he could get dressed when we got to where we were going. He changed his mind and got dressed after all. But he was a bit older than your ds. Probably about 4y.
See what happens. See if he wants to stay in his pyjamas, maybe.
Or alternatively, if possible, just say that you can't go now (to wherever) because he won't get dressed and he has to be dressed to be able to go.

juuule · 29/10/2008 21:34

Also what if he chooses his own clothes? Would he be more willing to get dressed then?

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