*** The Brand New One Child Family Thread ***

[Mulanmum]

By popular demand!

A thread for those of us blessed with ONE lovely child -whether by choice or by circumstance. Here we can discuss the unique challenges of raising a child without siblings, the joys, frustrations, rewards and huff and puff about stupid things people say to us at times

Hello Mulanmum! I am mum to a single DS, now 14. We stopped at one through choice, and have never regretted it.

I have an only dd, i feel like i almost have to apologise for the fact, esp. to friends with large families

Hello.

My DD is 4, and we've never really come close to trying to have another. I had PND and found looking after a baby completely awful. I've said since, if I'd not been ill and had found it easier, I might have had another out of some sort of 'duty'. Or, if I'd been as bad, but now WANTED another baby, I'd probably go for it. But I have no desire whatsoever to have another baby.

We're at the 'meeting new people at school gates' stage now, and I'm trying really hard to answer the question 'have you got other children?' without either sounding apologetic or or looking faintly tragic (everyone else seems to have three, so I feel a bit of a freak).

I feel like saying "yes, I've only got one child but we do have two cats!"

We have one gorgeous DD aged 4 and have no desire for any more. I watch kids squabbling with their siblings and I just cringe.

One reason parents often cite for providing siblings is that they want their child to have someone there for them when the parents have died. Is this a concern for any of you?

I'm one of four and we lost our parents early but weren't much comfort to each other, we were just sort of absorbed into our spouses' families. Now we see very little of each other and never all get together at the same time so I don't see that as a valid reason for having more than one child.

Hello - thanks for starting this thread Mulanmum!!!

I love it, I love it, I love it!!!!

It will be really very nice to chat about my one daughter who is two and a half without everyone saying "Oh you love being a Mum so much you should be trying for another one."

Of course, we can all change our minds about anything BUT today I have an overwhelming feeling that my family is complete... except for a lovely big cuddly silly dog - but that will have to wait because we live in a tiny apartment!!!

mulanmum - Actually when my Grandmother died I walked alone (noone next to me) behind her coffin. If I had of been an only child I am sure I wouldn't have felt so deeply truly alone.

My relationship with my sister is a rocky one - maybe a psycologist would write a great book looking at the only child's parents and their relations with their siblings.

It is the first time I have considered if there is a link there... maybe yes, maybe no?

WOW - this is getting a bit deep!!!

Really there are lots of thoughts behind our decision - lifestyle, affordability, emotional wellbeing....

BUT the biggest one is not a thought but something felt - and that is that this is enough - just as it is - nothing more, nothing less - it is lovely!

Another mother of one DD here! It's great! I'd imagined having a huge family when I was younger but now, I can't imagine giving birth ever again. (And my birth was great)

People did used to ask, and in fact sometimes still do, whether we have other children. But a cheery "Just the one!" usually seems to satisfy them. I think I have it easier than some, because I've never wanted another (though I had vaguely assumed I would have 2 or 3, I've never felt the urge again, and didn't want to have another just to give DS a sibling). I suspect it must be a lot trickier to sound confident and happy about it if you had in fact wanted more and been unable for whatever reason.

The trickiest bit was when others at my "babies" group started to try for a second and that was the major subject of discussion for a while.

I have posted on this topic before....had always assumed that one of the main reasons was financial, as I want to be able to offer my ds every opportunity in life. However, when we were doing the "what would you do with a lottery win" conversation, I realised I would then be able to afford a second child, and started to panic! Actually, I'm just not bothered about having another, and agree with Mulanmum about cringing at other squabbling siblings.
A friend recently suggested having my tubes tied if I was that adamant about it....thought that was a little drastic??

I have one dd (3) and 2 cats. It's not by choice. It was a long and difficult road to get dd so I am generally just thankful to have one, but I do get irritated when anyone else expects me to be grateful and put aside the fact we really wanted another one. I get extremely irritated when people don't just gracefully accept 'we can't have another one' and decide to give me advice on the matter

Someone older with 3 dcs told me early on that with one child you can get your life back - but probably not with more. I can see that.

It seems to me that many of us go into a fog when we have a baby, and for me, the fog has been lifting this year, and I'm starting to regain my former interest in The World and all things non-child oriented. But the mums around me are still having more babies and I feel we are sailing in different directions. Anyone else found this?

Another mum to an only DD (6) checking in! Only children rule! (I am one as well!)

The thing I worry about is my dd being socially challenged (???). At the moment she is very friendly towards others. However, I have concerns.... Firstly I am a primary teacher by trade and I have often heard other teachers whispering - "Yes only child!" when there is one who wouldn't join in or was overly brash with the other children. Secondly I have a pretty shy nature myself and have to work hard in social situations myself - so I am not a top role model for her!

I don't want dd to be dancing on tables wearing only a silver bra at top London nightclubs - But I do want her to feel comfortable in company. To enjoy other people and to understand them. I work hard to ensure she has experiences that scaffold this. I think so far we are doing an ok job at nurturing this side of her BUT....

I would be interested to know what you all do or have done at different ages to make sure your dd or ds has good experiences of social interaction with others? Or how you dealt with problems that arose - if any did? As I know this is a concern for most Mothers' of one child - pooling ideas is always good!!!

LindzDelirium - I would be greatful if you told us how it feels to be an only child - what are the good points? What are the trickier points? etc etc

I am sure you have lots to add to this thread being a Mum to an only child and an only child yourself!

Acinonyx - pmsl at "advice on the matter"!!! Have lots of sentences too rude to mention going round in my head!!!

I feel for you - it is hard enough dealing with all the "We are trying for our next, are you?" And "I am pregnant - it will be you next!" comments and questions when you have chosen to have no more - but if you want more - Really those type of questions must be simply awful!!! I can't imagine it.

Keep on this thread - we promise we won't say those things to you here ... well unless quoting something from rl in a rage!!!!

Acinonyx - I think it's true that you do get your life back rather more, and more quickly, with only one child. Partly because you only do the "baby & toddler" stage once, so after 3 years or so things have got easier anyway, but also because you only have to balance up 3 (assuming DP is around) sets of interests and wishes, 3 timetables, 3 lots of possessions, etc, and that is just fundamentally simpler than trying to juggle 4/5/whatever people. As DS has got older it is certainly something which we are aware of - we have had opportunities which I just don't think would have been practical with other children to think of.

teafortwo - I am an only child too but I was never shy - quite the reverse. But my dd is very shy and I do worry about it and sometimes feel I don't know what to do for the best. I think as mum to an only you work harder at playdates and maintaining regular contact with other dc.

It's hard to know where to strike the balance between encorouging dd to socialise and pushing. She likes company, but new places, new people, and especially groups, are stressful.

When I was a child my parents always had an open house policy with my friends - it was one of those houses you could always go to and there would be drinks and sanwhiches and biscuits. It worked very well when I was younger (kept me entertained and occupied), but my parents sometimes resented the time I spent with my friends as I got older - as a teenager and young adult. They were quite antisocial themselves and never saw friends - so it was hard for them to understand.

Looking back, I think a better balance would have been to have played with me more/been more involved as a younger child as well as having friends around. It does get boring playing with little kids - but if you don't invest in the relationship early on it might not be there when they get older and more interesting.

hiya, can I join? My dd is only 4 months old but she will stay a one and only. The questions started for me when dd was only a month "when are you having another one" I say never, they say, oh you'll change your mind..........

Obviously I do worry about her being an only child, will she be spoilt, will she be shy? Mind you im tempted to think, so what if shes a bit spoilt it might just be wonderful for her, all mine and dp attention, resources and love just for her.

Thanks for starting this thread

teafortwo - so far as I can tell, DS hasn't had any problems with social skills from being an only. He's always been involved in some sort of group of children - a small group of mums & babies, playgroups, nursery for half-days in his preschool year, then school, plus lots of groups for music - choir, orchestra, etc. He was a cathedral chorister, which means being part of a group of children of mixed ages all co-operating and having to get on with each other in quite an intense way, more so than usual for schools. I'm not saying that all onlies should join choirs , but I think the general pattern of being part of a group and working towards something is a good "substitute" for having siblings. Music, sports, drama, cubs etc - most children have some interests which can give them that kind of experience, and I think it is worth trying to find opportunities for onlies in particular to do them.

Can I join, even though I still haven't made my mind up? Financial circumstances and (so far) a lack of any kind of urge to have another means that dd (2.3) may well be an only. I'm starting to feel pressure from everyone to have another but, instinctively and practically, we're happy with just dd. I'm 37 so I've not got a huge amount of time left to make my mind up. But there's a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that I should do what other people are telling me and I'll regret it if I don't try again.

I don't really worry about socialisation, as dd goes to full-time nursery, mixes with lots of different children and is a very gregarious little button. But I do worry about the 'what will happen when dp and I go' question. Also, I'm very close to my db and he really leant on me while he was going through his divorce recently - I'd quite like dd to have that support later in life. But hopefully she'll be able to build up a wide network of friends and will have them to rely on when times are hard...as dp and his brother prove, siblings aren't always close.

Hi all

I have a dd, 4.3, who is an only.

She isn't spoiled by dh & I but she is also an only grandchild on both sides so she is spoiled by all her grandparents

Socialisation has never been a problem for us, she was in nursery whilst I worked until she started school and we have friends from M&T groups and a close family friend has children. We live on a quiet cul-de-sac and all the children play in the street together, now that dd's a bit older she can join in and she has made friends with our next door neighbours' dd who is a bit older (8 or so) but comes round to play. She's also very good at entertaining herself, she is often lost in her own imagination. SHe would love a little brother or sister though and is always asking if she can have one!

I am from a large family, two brothers and a sister and vast numbers of aunties, uncles and cousins. I loved having so many relatives when I was growing up and part of me would like that for dd. However, DH's family consists of himself and his parents, he is an only too and his extended family don't really keep in touch, I've never net any of them. He doesn't feel that he's missed out by not having a large extended family.

There are advantages to having an only - finances are limited and we are far more likely to be able to afford expensive school trips and the like if we only have one child. She gets plenty of my time which we both love. We have also left the baby days far behind - no more pushchairs, nappies etc etc. so going out for the day on a whim is really easy.

I would love another though, so I may not stay on this thread forever

So nice to see this thread. I'm another only child with an only child, maybe its less worrying for us? (I was spoilt rotten as a child as DPs had been trying for 12 yrs before I was conceived and I don't think I turned out that bad!)
Anyway am meant to be working (as my 6yr old lovely only DD is at school), so will check back in later.

I think the reason I worry so much about social skills is that it is so closely linked to the "What about when we go?" question!

If my daughter has developed the social skills needed to find the World an interesting place while having healthy relationships with friends, having a healthy relationship with her lover, maintaining strong relations with her cousins and close family friends and have good relations with work friends and maybe even becoming and enjoying being a Mother herself- I know she will be just fine without me!

teafortwo - I am anolder mum and get very anxious about leaving dd without me. I jus hope that she will be a proper adult by that time.

Takver - I'm supposed to be working at home but feeling very restless this week.

Hello

I am so pleased to find this thread. I have a DD (6 months) and feel strongly that I don't want another. I am so happy with our little family, and other factors such as money/getting your life back etc do come into it.

I think the problem I may have is that my DH may want another....tricky. Did all your DH's/DPs feel the same?

Can I join, I have one DS(6)