The Motherhood Delusion

[SantaLucia]

A thread to safely house all the thoughts that you are ashamed to admit. Example:

Why did we have children?

When does it all become worth it?

The day my child was born was NOT the best day of my life (it was my wedding) and I absolutely remember the pain and the boredom of being in hospital.

I can't be bothered reading about child development.

The health visitor is not worth a trip in the rain with a sleeping baby.

Thank goodness I'm over that "newborn" stage. Roll on year 5!

Ok here goes!

The truth - I should have bought my flash red sports car and gone back to Uni full time!

On the few hours I have had to myself I long for my child free days. On DS return I cry because I miss just being me.

I long for boozy nights out, irresponsible behaviour, sex in cars, fields, actually just sex!!

I wish I felt sexy again, I wish I was attractive again, I wish I could remember what it was like to just be me.

I want a shower without having to listen to crying/screaming. I want to get dressed at my speed. I want to wear totally impractible clothes but feel fabulous all day long.

But most of all I want to know how to enjoy being a mum - because thats what I am for now.

I only go to work so I can pee in peace

I should have finished my AAT/ACCA before having DD, but then the child I did have would not be her, and she is amazing as she is, iyswim?!

The inability to just stop the car, park and get out. In 1 minute, you have bought a paper and milk and you are back in, on your way. NOW.....the car seats, the whining, the i wants, the unbuckling, rebuckling, the running to stop them grabbing sweets, the capitulation, the judging of others, the juggling of keys babies toddlers milk. You think is it worth it? but fuck me you've never needed milk so much!! Its in everything and dh just used the last of it on his cereal. The seething anger of seeing that empty carton and the hell that lies ahead will set me up for another cracking day!!

celery! "I should have stopped at two too. Which is ironic, because no. 3 is just lovely. It's the three of them combined I'm not coping with."

Are you me? That is exactly how I feel.

It was so easy with 2. It really was. A doddle. No 3 was unexpected to say the least and he completed blew our lives apart. Financially, logistically, and in every other way. But he is totally adorable. I can't wish he wasn't there even though it would be so much easier.In fact I spend half of my time tearing my hair out with tiredness and frustration and the other half loving them fiercely and regretting how quickly time is passing.

OrmIrian, that sums up this thread. And my life.

In fact I spend half of my time tearing my hair out with tiredness and frustration and the other half loving them fiercely and regretting how quickly time is passing.

I honestly had no idea when I started this thread that so many of us feel the same things (seems obvious now that I've written it).

I'm going to keep dumping all my worst thoughts and feelings on here. Very therapeutic!

Latest (and ongoing) grudge is that however much he tries (and he really is the loveliest man) my DH cannot understand the daily frustration and the inability to stop my brain from thinking ahead, planning, organising etc so that the whole thing doesn't come crashing down around us in a pile of wet nappies, washing and mushed up rusks. Its exhausting.

Never being able to switch off, mind always working overtime.

We always said we would only have one and even though I think 11 month old DD is utterly fantastic, we are even more certain that we are only having one.

DD had a dry run whole day at the childminder's the other day, ready for when I go back to work. She was away 9.30am - 4.30pm. It's the longest time we've been apart. I spent most of the day tidying and packing for our holiday but also managed to fit lunch out, some grown-up time with DH and a bit of Wii playing in.

I was very slightly gutted when I realised I had to stop playing guitar hero and go and pick her up.

This thread is great - I'm pg with no. 2 and its reminded me of why I will be FF'ing this one with impunity, the same as I did my DD.

I expect someone will make me feel selfish or evil for saying this but I just want my body back!

Hoorah, some people just like me, thank God for that .

Have to agree with Celery and ormirian. DD3 a delight, easy, smiley and slots in. It is just DD1 and DD2 arguing over who pushes her, who plays with her that drives me nuts.

I love my dd to the moon and back, and now she is 4 you can have proper converations which is so much fun. I am not a "natural" mummy type though and have to admit that though I work full time I am still glad when the evening;s "quality time" comes to an end and it is bedtime, I am just so grateful.

DH encourages her to watch TV and Cbeebies drvies me crazy. The only time I can honestly say I "enjoy" being a parent is when we have a day out somwhere and I love her excitement. Or those times I go to check on her in bed and do the Owl and the Pussycat and Twinkle Twinkle and she looks at me with such adoration it makes me want to cry. Baking is usually pretty good fun too.

I feel guilty most of the time that I am a crap mother, though she is so happy and self-confident I think I must be doing something right. I just took 2 weeks off and she had the say in what we did. Lots of swimming and trips to the park, plus a visit to her cousins (all boys) so she could learn to fire weapons etc.

I feel more than anything that she needs a little brother - though DH defintely not keen and a 5 year gap might be a bit much. We went and got a kitten instead.....

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels this way!
No one prepares you for the years of crap you go through. I miss sleeping and time on my own. I miss the freedom of doing what you want, when you want, unlike now where we have to slot things around nap times. And I also miss being me instead of mummy/slave to two DC.
I'm even starting to see the point of some of the clothes choices my Mum makes and never wear high heels anymore because I can't chase after the kids in them.
I love it when they're asleep but even with all the bad stuff, I still adore them.

aha.. not every other mother copes better than me ..

I thought it was just me who thought god it would be nice to get some time to adult tv/read a book or even just go for a poo in peace.
I only have one ds but hubby works really long hours which means even days I have been at work I have to come home and be chef, cleaner, playmate and general housekeeper

The sad thing about this thread is that there are soo many of us thought we were alone in these thoughts.

why is there not more truth told about the down sides of being a parent.???

And DD is only 13 mo! I crave alone time. Sometimes I just want to walk out of the house and leave it all behind.

I love DD so much that I can't breathe sometimes. But even that is annoying as I am probably going to spend the rest of my life with this small but constantly nagging fear that something is going to happen to her. It is very draining.

I want head space. I want to be able to go on holiday and relax. I want a social life again. I don't want a mummy tummy.

That said, I do feel less selfish than I thought I would, in that I thought I would resent spending money on DD and not myself. I don't at all actually, but I resent that she doesn't allow me to do things when I want to, like read, cook, go to the gym. I don't want to have to dislocate my toe on a stair gate every time I want to go in the fricking kitchen. And I will also never get used to the sleep deprivation. Ever. I hate the tiredness, it makes me sooo irritable.

Ok, rant over.

"Most of all, I hate the feeling that opportunities are passing me by as I stand stock still because I cannot devote the time and energy required to make these opportunities mine"

yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

My favourite time of the day is now, DD sleeps for an hour and a half. Do I do housework? (Phuh! So it can be messy again in 3.5 seconds?) Get showered (god, no, that's an excuse for a break from her while she is awake). No, I make a cup of tea and either sit and mumsnet or watch reorded TV. Bliss!

I think the biggest thing for me is that I thought I would be good at the mum thing. I thought this will be lovely and I will know how to handle things....it is that dream being crushed that i just can't quite get my head around.
I honestly thought motherhood would be fulfillment, joy, pride foremost when my reality is guilt and exhaustion are at the top of the list. I find that I will just about start to entertain the thought "oh this is quite nice, oh, oh is this fulfillment, joy and pride?, how very exciting I wasn't deluded after all then the next minute ds will simultaneously crap on the laptop and scream at me that it is all my fault because the green pants always make his crap come faster and I am slapped back into the reality of parenting an under 5.

I've found it doesn't actually get much easier when they are over 5 either. Not yet anyway ( but I have a mixture of over and under )

I love my children more than anything.

But my life is Groundhog Day.

I really had no idea motherhood would be so bloody relentless; I mean I knew children were pretty full-on but I had no clue as to just how much they demanded of you, emotionally and physically.

This thread has actually stopped me thinking I was the worlds worst Mother/mentally ill.

I love, love my girls but between them and work I never get a minute to myself and I am so exhausted that when I do all I want to is sit down quietly in the corner.I jsut wish that I had the time and also the energy to have a bit of my old life back sometimes..but I really feel guilty for feeling like that.

I said that at a toddler group once and everyone looked at me as if I had just produced an axe from my change bag and advanced on the toddlers with it

The change bag.Thats another thing.I want to be able to leave the house with a stylish handbag.An 'It' bag even.Which I could if I didnt spend all my hard earned on the nippers and need to carry nappies, raisins, clothes changes,drinks, wipes, sun hats, two dollies et al..No wonder Ive got a bad back

I thought I would be better at this too. I actually look forward to going to work .

Relentless is really the word to describe it isn't it?

I'd like to be able to buy some nice clothes.

As opposed to nipping into Primark with 2 kids in tow, thinking "ah, that's a good top, only £2. At least if I get snot, food, etc on it, then it wont matter."

Pre-children I would have changed slightly grubby clothes before leaving the house.

I'm not a good mother. Because I am pretty old I expected to have trouble conceiving (and thats what you read in the papers, if you're over 35 fertility plummets etc) so I didn't really beleive it would happen.

Got pregnant really fast. Lost control from that minute on. He's a lovely child. I really think that he deserves better.

if i gave him to social services, they would find some one who could cope better with him and do better by him. (BIG confessional thought, never told a soul that but think it allot)

Im not sure if i like him very much, feel like i have "lost" him and that i will never have him back.

He is beyond my capabilities, beyond my scope of coping and managing nearly all of the time.

He has got something wrong with him, i mean seriously wrong with him, he just is not normal.

I understand why no one likes him, i understand why no one wants him near them.
This is letting him down, while defending him from them, this is what i am thinking in my head.

oh my god.
I'm 30 weeks pg with my first and decided to visit "parenting" to see what sorts of questions I might be encountering in a short while... this topic looked interesting since I'm finding out all about childbirth now and how there are so many, many horrible things that no one really tells you about.
I'm a teacher so I know that I love children, but oh my goodness... starting to really dread this...