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The Motherhood Delusion

589 replies

SantaLucia · 07/08/2008 17:37

A thread to safely house all the thoughts that you are ashamed to admit. Example:

Why did we have children?

When does it all become worth it?

The day my child was born was NOT the best day of my life (it was my wedding) and I absolutely remember the pain and the boredom of being in hospital.

I can't be bothered reading about child development.

The health visitor is not worth a trip in the rain with a sleeping baby.

Thank goodness I'm over that "newborn" stage. Roll on year 5!

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Justthe3ofus · 13/08/2008 12:48

Ok, fair enough - everyone is entitled to their opinion I suppose. But what I am saying is that not everyone is the same, not everyone is in the place where they can count their blessings. And that depends on the person, their circumstances and whatever.

From what I have seen on other threads as well, do you just like to stir things up a bit? I

frasersmummy · 13/08/2008 12:54

I personally feel that if you regret having your child/children then you should be seeking help of some sort ..

and no I dont mean phsyciatric (sp) though it might come to this ..

I mean getting someone to help with cooking, cleaning, etc so you can inject some fun into your time with little one

If this doesnt do it then perhaps you need some help with babysitting.. allowing you some time to go get a haircut, see a movie etc

kids shouldnt be a regret.. it can be the mot demanding, most demeaning, most exhausting, least paid job in the world

but they shouldnt be a regret

MeAndMyMonkey · 13/08/2008 12:57

lol at the classroom comment from 'read my posts properly' Gateau.
Everyone has the right to moan, or wish they had more sleep, or a cleaner, or whatever.
Plus I do think everybody on this thread is aware of how lucky they are to have children, nobody is wishing them away per se.
Just perhaps wishing they could have a bit of their old life back. Or, in my case, a proper relaxing beach holiday (if I say it enough it just might happen).
Sorry Gateau, not meaning to make this too personal, but you did sound very angry, or at least very bossy, telling people they were criminal for daring to air some honest thoughts.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Acinonyx · 13/08/2008 12:59

'criminal' remark made me think of the Catholic dogma that 'despair is a sin'.

Niceychops · 13/08/2008 13:01

Gateau on a thread you started about feeling bad that you enjoy putting your kid in childcare you say

'Thank thank you, all of you lovely people.
Like I said, I have been torturing myself about this for quite a while and was too ashamed to post this on here. I finally worked up the courage.
No dount I will continue to torture myself - that's me. '

Are you for real? Why are you now being so judgemental of people who are in the same boat as you?

roseability · 13/08/2008 13:03

Gateau - I had PND and anxiety

Some days I was crippled by a feeling of absolute pointlessness in life and anxiety attacks. The reason I suffered it for a year before seeking help was because I felt I shouldn't moan and be grateful.

I had always wanted kids and was delighted when I fell pregnant with my DS, a very much planned and wanted baby

I WOULD NOT HAVE FELT BETTER BY PEOPLE TELLING ME NOT TO MOAN AND BE GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE

Very insensitive. This isn't just moaning it is a very valid discussion about modern motherhood and feminism

roseability · 13/08/2008 13:05

Oh and may I add that I did have treatment and although I still have bad days, I love my DS to bits

SixSpotBurnet · 13/08/2008 13:08

Oh for heaven's sake this thread was great and has now gone completely off track...

I can't for the life of me see what is wrong with saying that there is a bit of you that yearns for the freedoms you had pre-children. I adore my DSs and I do really regret that I have had to work for so much of their childhoods, and I do regard myself as incredibly lucky, but that's not to say that there aren't evenings when I just wish that DH and I could on the spur of the moment go and see a film, or afternoons when it would be quite fun to have sex in the kitchen and just having a teensy bit of regret that we won't ever be able to do such things again, or at least, not until we're so old that they won't be fun any more!

Gateau · 13/08/2008 13:09

SO nicey, you take the time (sad) to trawl though all my posts in a vain attempt to thrw some dirt at me? Is that the best you can do? You seriously need something to do with your life.
Don't know why I'm bothering to elaborate to YOU, but I am. What has enjoying my work and getting a break got to do with being annoyed with people maoning about motherhood and wanting their old lives back?
I, personally, can enjoy work and getting a break and LOVE motherhood all at the same time.

Niceychops · 13/08/2008 13:15

because just the 3 of us said you were a stirrer in your other threads as well. i probably do need to do something with my life, but with a four month old that's a bit tricky.

I'm sorry if that was a low blow and perhaps it was, but you say you feel guilty about wanting to get time away from your child and when others say essentially the same thing you say they should stop being ungrateful and stop moaning?

SixSpotBurnet · 13/08/2008 13:16

Well, bully for you Gateau.

Now can you leave the rest of us whingers to enjoy the thread in peace?

roseability · 13/08/2008 13:18

Maybe it has gone of track, but as a health care professional and someone who has suffered mental health problems I wanted to correct Gateau, that trying to make someone see what they have will just snap them out of gloom and doom is misguided at best and insensitive at worst.

I think I have read the post properly.

Niceychops mentioned PND to Gateau (rightly) and then came the comment regarding making someone feel better by pointing out how lucky they are.

Only someone who hasn't had PND could make such a comment. It took counselling and nine months of ADs to make it better but I never regreted having my DS. I was lonely as I had just moved to a new area and there really is no community support with childrearing like there is in other cultures. I am absolutely not surprised women feel like this

I am not even that bothered about my career (I really respect women who want/pursue careers, I am just too lazy/lack the confidence) I just want to be valued as a mother and be happy in this role

roseability · 13/08/2008 13:20

Do you have any response to my comments Gateau?

Gateau · 13/08/2008 13:22

getting time away from your child is NOT the same as harping on about your old life and not enjoying motherhood. How you can equate them, I do not know.
I suggest you leave it there, nicey. Or do you want some of my old diaries to delve into as well?

Gateau · 13/08/2008 13:25

No probs sixspot; I'll happily leave you all to your whingeing

Niceychops · 13/08/2008 13:25

Not really Gateau, I have a sneaking suspicion your diaries would be a little vitriolic for my reading tastes.

I agree we should leave it there, this isn't a very constructive debate.

Seuss · 13/08/2008 13:32

Sixpot - can't imagine ever having sex in our kitchen, with all the washing-up teetering on the worktop it would be too dangerous!

roseability · 13/08/2008 13:35

Portrayal of mothehood in the media and literature is interesting

A passage from Anna Karenina (I really need to get a life!)

Darya Alexandrovna shuddered at the mere recollection of the pain from cracked nipples that she had endured with almost every child

'And all that for what? What will come of it all? That I, having not a moment's peace, now pregnant, now nursing, eternally angry, grumpy, tormented myself and tormenting others, repulsive to my husband, will live my life out and bring up unfortunate, poorly educated and destitute children. At best they simply won't turn out to be scoundrels. that's all I can wish for. And for that so much torment, so much work....a whole life ruined'.

Even in the bloody 19th century women felt like this. You can't tell me Tolstoy thought this up himself, that he hadn't heard it from a mother?

Fennel · 13/08/2008 13:39

That's very interesting, Roseability. I would have said the pain of breastfeeding was one of the few things which I really hadn't been made aware of before having children. But I'd read that book, I must have ignored the cracked nipples comment.

All of Flaubert's women had miserable motherhood experiences too, IIRC, but then I did assume that was just Flaubert being miserable as usual.

motherinferior · 13/08/2008 13:42

Well, we have achieved a fair bit, I think. It's acceptable for women to stay in the workplace, and to work hours that are vaguely compatible with other commitments. It's acceptable for men to work part time - if they actually follow through their stated commitments to do so - and for quite a lot of men to work flexible hours for childcare commitments (my partner has left work at 4pm three days a week for over a year now, after starting at around 8am). Quite a lot of men do share household tasks (although I am always horrified to read on MN how many don't).

roseability · 13/08/2008 13:46

Abd there is more

'I had but one girl, but God freed me, I buried her during Lent'

'And aren't you very sorry about her?' Darya Alexandrovna had asked.

'Why be sorry? The old man has lots of grandchildren. Nothing but trouble. No work, no nothing. Just bondage.'

This answer seemed repulsive to Darya........cynical as they were, there was some truth in them.

However Darya does go onto realise (after spending time with a seemingly better off friend) that 'memories of her home and children arose in her imagination with some new radiance, some special loveliness she had not known before. That world of hers now seemed so precious and dear to her that she did not want to spend an extra day outside it for anything'

I cling onto that, I really do! Oh and i'm not suggestin we should bury our children at Lent either!

Fennel · 13/08/2008 13:49

It does seem to be very hard to change men's behaviour on a large scale level. Swedish policies have been trying to do this for years but actually it's not all totally rosy there. Swedish feminists are quick to point out that actually the majority of men don't take all their permitted month of paternity leave, even though it's fully paid. And especially with second or subsequent children. So having policies which even pay men to be at home can only change things slowly.

motherinferior · 13/08/2008 13:51

Thing is, would you want to renounce privilege and an easy life if you didn't have to?

motherinferior · 13/08/2008 13:52

BTW my kitchen is profoundly unerotic.

roseability · 13/08/2008 13:54

Tolstoy actually describes motherhood in a more realistic way, than any other author I have read. Anna Karenina chooses her lover over her child and her husband, but she pays for it mentally. There is a great passage where she is allowed to see her son for the first time in years, I just wept when I read it. I can recommend the film with Sean Bean and Sophie Marceau as well.

I remember my MIL (she has had 4) telling me that children 'twist' you. One minute you are overwhelmed with love for them, the next you want to trow them out of the window.