The Motherhood Delusion

[SantaLucia]

A thread to safely house all the thoughts that you are ashamed to admit. Example:

Why did we have children?

When does it all become worth it?

The day my child was born was NOT the best day of my life (it was my wedding) and I absolutely remember the pain and the boredom of being in hospital.

I can't be bothered reading about child development.

The health visitor is not worth a trip in the rain with a sleeping baby.

Thank goodness I'm over that "newborn" stage. Roll on year 5!

And I really object to the 'some people can't have children therefore you aren't ever allowed to moan' line. I'm not personally responsible for infertility!

I'm not musical, doesn't mean I expect anyone who can sing or play an instrument to apologise to me.

It might not make them feel worse; it might make them think a bit about what they've got.

Who said "Don't ever moan??"
Look at my further posts and you'll see what I meant.

Well, let's see how helpful others in the thread have found your remarks.

I don;t need to look to see what I'll get back. It's all very predictable so I neither have the time or inclination to look. that's my opinion and I'm entitled to it.

Very well, your chastisement is acknowledged. Now on with the whinging!

I was up all bloody night last night with my 4 month old.

Gateau why are you so angry? This is actually a light-hearted thread where everyone is acknowledging that they do love their children but perhaps would like a bit of time to themselves. So what! Is moaning taboo now?
I feel very lucky to have my daughter, I adore her and wouldn't change her for the world. But I found the newborn baby stage just as tedious as it gets. And I want to lie on a beach ON MY OWN sometimes.
Plus, for the record, you have no idea what anyone has been on this thread has been through with miscarriages etc so I think it's mighty presumptious of you to tell everyone to count their blessings.
Ok, as you were...

Why's it ungrateful to want to change some of the conditions of your life?

I'm not telling EVERYONE to count their blessings, meandmy.
Read my posts properly before making your own presumptions.
And who said I was angry? Does merely disagreeing with the other posters make me angry now? Mmmmm...

Read my posts properly, read my posts properly....

Gateau your post says 'Sit down and count your blessings and stop bloody moaning'.

You have to admit it does sound kind of angry. But perhaps it's best we agree to disagree.

But the post AFTER that clarified who I was referring to; not the people who're just having a whinge.
ANd yep; you;re wise. Agree to disagree. It's really not with arguing over a mere different set of opinions with complete strangers.

In that case perhaps you should write your posts more clearly, frankly.

In any case wtf is wrong with harping back to your old life? I feel, frankly, as if parts of me had been swallowed whole, by the python of parenthood. I thought this only yesterday. I don't want a bloody romantic evening in, I want a bloody good evening out at the theatre seeing something devoid of puppets; more to the point, I want the energy and will to arrange said evening. My life used to involve that sort of thing. The python has eaten it.

Sorry; forgot I was in the classroom..

Nope. Can't actually remember my old life. So can't tell you if it was better or not. But I am sure I can't always have been quite this tired all my life.

I will qualify my whinging by saying I wouldnt give up my little girl for a whole warehouse full of Westlife CDs.

But there are aspects of my old life I miss. I am enormously grateful for the chance to be a parent. I just wish it were easier to marry it with the odd night out/ sleeping in past 6:45 am on a Sunday/not looking old and haggard all the time!!!

gateau I think most people on here would agree that kids are a mixed blessing.. thy bring sooo much happiness one minute and the nxt you want to weep

I agree many people might read this and think well lucky them I wish I had a child to moan about and may even think if I had a child I wouldnt be moaning

but thats true of anything.. there was a thread last week saying that people with big mortgages were suffering the most with the credit crunch.. I have lots of friends who would love to have a mortgage to moan about it

If that 'classroom' jibe was directed at me, I have to point out you're the one saying 'read my posts properly'...

Gateau, your post about stopping bloddy moaning and counting blessings doesn't specify a target - those of us with no financial worries? Those of us who have had a whole nights sleep in the past two years? Those of us without any kids with special needs? Those of us with dh's that help around the house and then babysit while we go out and have a bit of fun? Those of us who can get through the day without feeling - even for a nanosecond - like you want to go and hide somewhere.

I bet that 99% of people on here will identify with the negative of at least one of these, therefore you are basically talking about everyone. I also bet that 99% of people on here love their kids to the end of the earth, but this forum is just for letting off steam.

If you don't like the title of this thread, don't read it, or comment on it.

Re. men and working part-time, I think there are men who want/would like to do this. The problem is that they are/would be affected by the same problems that women are when they step back from their careers and work part time or stop working altogether for a while.

That is that very few career jobs allow you to work part-time. If you take time off and then try to go back, your career is likely to have passed you by. If you take a step down and take a more humble, less skilled part-time job for a while, it is unlikely you will ever be able to go back to your full-time career in the same way, etc., etc..

Add to that, it is not seen as macho to work part-time. Even the most enlightened, emancipated, new-agey man is likely to suffer some loss of self-esteem or confidence that he is no longer seen as an 'Alpha Male'. If we consider how much women suffer in terms of feelings of loss of identity when they give up their career to look after their children (witness this thread), then I suspect it must be even worse for men, for the reasons above and also because it is still more unusual so they will be in a tiny minority and probably feel very isolated.

Most families do require at least one parent to work full-time for financial reasons. It is not surprising that this is still usually the man.

How is this ever going to change? We can only keep lobbying for more flexible working practives, job-shares, etc.. Our value in terms of what we do is usually measured by how skilled our work is and by how much we are paid. Motherhood is not valued because it is not seen as 'skilled', it is certainly not rare and you don't get paid for it. It is only when the population starts falling, that some countries introduce incentives for having larger families.

Anyway, waffle, waffle....

I am just jealous of women whose husbands willingly do their share of the housework and who don't come home and say: 'this place is a tip, what have you been doing all day?' A little appreciation goes a long way towards soothing the pain of drudgery and loss of identity.

My friend has been trying for a long time to conceive. She came round when my daughter was 3 weeks old and was shell-shocked at how full-on and demanding it looked. I think we can acknowledge we are lucky to have kids but still say it can be enormously frustrating and exhausting. As Frasersmummy says, a mixed blessing!

But if 'th problem is that they are/would be affected by the same problems that women are when they step back from their careers and work part time or stop working altogether for a while'...how do they think women manage it? Is it somehow OK for women to accept knackered careers, but not for mn?

And sorry, the machismo/alpha male argument doesn't cut it.

Justthe3ofus, I can comment on WHATEVER I like, whether I like the thread or not.

Realistically, there probably are people who, for a variety of reasons really do regret having children. If so, I don't think it's my place to say anything about that - I haven't walked in their shoes. It must be a terrible burdeen to feel that and never admit it for fear of condemnation. I read a lot of situations on here that I really doubt I could cope with.

I don't regret dd for a picosecond. Few people here will have gone through what we went through to have dd. I used to post on a couple of IVF/infertility bbs and of course I would never moan about parenthood there. But aren't we all in this together?

Irl my friends and I often have a moan - it's completely understood that we adore our dcs and wouldn't be without them. I can voice my adoration where it really counts - to dd (and dh). The moaning, I save for other mums who understand.

I agree MI but how do you change this? We've been trying for decades (centuries?) and we just seem to have achieved a slightly different set of problems. Any ideas?