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The Motherhood Delusion

589 replies

SantaLucia · 07/08/2008 17:37

A thread to safely house all the thoughts that you are ashamed to admit. Example:

Why did we have children?

When does it all become worth it?

The day my child was born was NOT the best day of my life (it was my wedding) and I absolutely remember the pain and the boredom of being in hospital.

I can't be bothered reading about child development.

The health visitor is not worth a trip in the rain with a sleeping baby.

Thank goodness I'm over that "newborn" stage. Roll on year 5!

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bobblehat · 13/08/2008 00:29

Such a fab thread.

Like everyone on here I love my kids to bits, but bringing them up, running a house, making sure everyone is wearing clothes that are reasonably clean/vaguely match is a hard job at times.

And that, for me, is the key. Like any job you want a bit of time off now and then. When I'm at work my manager doesn't follow me into the loo to discuss what needs doing next, so that's why I sometimes get a bit upset when the kids follow me in an do just that.

Just a bit of time to myself, occasionally. Is that too much to ask?

penona · 13/08/2008 08:38

PMSL at your manager following you to the toilet to continue a discussion!!!

roseability · 13/08/2008 09:16

God I just mant to sit and watch the olympics with a big pot of coffee and some chocolate cake!

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roseability · 13/08/2008 09:16

But have to go and hoover and wash the bedding with a 2 year old in tow...

DANCESwithLordPottingtonSmythe · 13/08/2008 09:24

Firstly am nominating this for quote of the week from BGP...

"And it really doesn't help when people are quite insistant that "You wouldn't swap them for the world" and you smile and nod and agree and think that some days you'd swap them for a Westlife CD, even though they're rubbish."

Brilliant!

Also, ages and ages ago on mumsnet there was a discussion about looking good/being attractive the opposite sex and someone brought up the 'buggy of invisibility' in that once you are pushing a buggy no-one notices you. IT'S TRUE! You're not a person you're a 'mum'. Mine are past the buggy stage now but still when I'm walking round the shops shepherding them (I'm going to get one of those welsh collies, a whistle and start shouting 'cumbaie' or whatever they say) all I seem to be doing is herding.

I'm just rambling but remember how much the buggy of invis struck a chord with me at the time and thought I'd share...

Niceychops · 13/08/2008 09:54

yup me and my sister where saying on the odd occasion you pop out sans baby, a guy might look you up and down and you are so unused to male attention you think 'what's his problem?'

Niceychops · 13/08/2008 09:54

were saying, not where saying. Coffee! need more coffee!

spokette · 13/08/2008 10:37

When reflecting on the post-feminist age when the tags Supermum/Superwoman were widely used because of the increasing number of women who were working full-time at senior levels in blue chip companies, having children and running households, someone said that women don't actually have it all, they have to do it all.

Therein lies the cause of widespread dissatisfaction. As someone said, until fathers start to shoulder a greater burden of the childcare/housework, many women will continue to be overwhelmed and overburdened with raising their children as well as running their household and fitting in work.

IMO, the actual lie that women were sold is that you can actually have it all (children, husband, wonderful career, fabulous house, envious lifestyle) and still look like a size 10, fresh faced, smiling corporate high achiever.

Fennel · 13/08/2008 10:43

So in fact people should be saying that "the post-feminist discourse sold them a lie". I'd go along with that.

chelsygirl · 13/08/2008 11:00

was the lie that you could have the job, child, marriage and figure or was the lie you could have the job, child, and an equal marriage ie. your dh would share the chores equally?

does it come down to the fact the majority of the housework and child rearing and forward planning is left to the women whether she works full time or not?

Niceychops · 13/08/2008 11:15

Damn you post-feminist discourse AND the horse you rode in on!

chelsygirl · 13/08/2008 11:17

you clever birds have lost me!

roseability · 13/08/2008 11:20

I'm sure I used to be attractive to the opposite sex! Whilst I am lucky to have a happy marriage it would be nice if just occasionally a bloke eyed me up. I know it is incredibly vain but I agree that once you are pushing a buggy no one notices you. I spent a lot of my twenties looking slim and sexy in gorgeous clothes and blokes would notice me (this is with hindsight, at the time I thought I was fat and ugly!)and now I am just fat, frumpy and quite frankly boring.

I have a first class honours degree from Edinburgh Uni but I haven't been able to do anything with it because I only work part time. The only way I have kept myself sane is by reading good literature. I have vowed to read all the classics e.g. War & Peace. I know, I know how do I have the time? When my DS napped I refused to do any h/work etc and just read. Now he dosen't nap it is proving a bit more difficult!

Is it worth it? God I hope so!

Acinonyx · 13/08/2008 11:22

I have had exasperating conversations with younger postgrads who think our situation can easily be sorted by insisting the dp works PT/SAHDs etc. Maybe you can plan for that if you are younger - but the reality for us is that dh's career, now well-advanced, is totally incompatible with being PT, and my earning potential is will be around 25-30% of his and I'll start with at least short-term contracts of 1-3 years.

It seems that for a lot of us, financial security requires one parent to work FT. I think both parents working PT would be great - but I don't actually see that many dad's clamouring to do this. Dh used to talk about being a SAHD - but he now realises that much as he adores dd that would not suit at all. I don't think he'd thank you for PT either. Nor would most of my friends' dh's. What can we do if the drive isn't there? Some dad's want it - but it needs to be more - probably most of them - to really make it happen.

chelsygirl · 13/08/2008 11:25

p/t is fine for the dad if he's on a good wage, dh earns less than £300 per week, p/t would bankrupt us, don't think 2 p/t wages are feasible unless you are both proffessionals

Fennel · 13/08/2008 11:29

I do get tired of hearing why men can't cut back their hours. Men are always making excuses why their career can't be done part time. Women have just had to work out ways of making it happen. Whether or not it's detrimental to their career or not. We don't all relish the lack of careeer progression and salary either. I loathe the effects on my career of working this way, even though I keep doing it so that I can see a lot of my children while they're small.

I don't see that it's so different for men. It's a case of making that shift and accepting that if you cut back your hours, or your work commitment, then you will quite likely lose out in career prospects, money and promotion, but gain in involvement with your children.

My DP has done this, he works part time and for a lot less money and status than he used to have. My BIL does it too. Both were successful men in well earning careers. DP, like me, is jeopardising career progression and salary by doing so. It's getting more common, I think.

lizinthesticks · 13/08/2008 11:33

"It's getting more common, I think."

I really hope you're right. Needless to say I totally agree with everything you say there.

motherinferior · 13/08/2008 11:33

I'm sadly not sure it is becoming all that common for men to cut their hours and work part-time. Wish it was. Men don't, I think, tend to want the Mummy Track - ignoring the fact that quite a lot of women aren't hog-whimpering wild about it either.

Gateau · 13/08/2008 11:41

I'm so sick of hearing mums whingeing about motherhood. It's so ungrateful and disgraceful, when you consider some people would give their eye teeth to be a mum.
We are very lucky to be blessed with children in the first place, and if they are healthy, well, why can't you just consider that to be utterly fantastic?
Sit down and count your blessings and stop bloody moaning.

Niceychops · 13/08/2008 11:43

oh piss off

Gateau · 13/08/2008 11:45

What words of wisdom. You sound like a charming lady

Niceychops · 13/08/2008 11:47

I am rather.

But seriously, everyone vents every now and again. I love motherhood, but wouldnt be human if I didnt miss my old life a bit.

Do you never complain about anything?

Gateau · 13/08/2008 11:49

Yep, of course I do.
Yes, motherhood is hard at times, but I'm referring to the people who are harping on about their old lives when they are blessed with beautiful children. I think it's criminal.

Niceychops · 13/08/2008 11:51

But if that's how they feel, that's how they feel! Should they bottle it up instead?

I think it's unfair to say 'well you should just be grateful to have a healthy child', I do see your point but why make people feel worse? Some of the women on this thread may have PND for all you know and don't need their noses rubbed in it.

edam · 13/08/2008 11:52

Nothing ungrateful about saying there are parts of being a mother that are not fun. And some pretty dire consequences in terms of career, that equals status in our society, that equals control over one's life.

I posted on the other thread to say I love being ds's mother but of course there are shitty things that come with it, too. Quite apart from nappies.

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