The Motherhood Delusion

[SantaLucia]

A thread to safely house all the thoughts that you are ashamed to admit. Example:

Why did we have children?

When does it all become worth it?

The day my child was born was NOT the best day of my life (it was my wedding) and I absolutely remember the pain and the boredom of being in hospital.

I can't be bothered reading about child development.

The health visitor is not worth a trip in the rain with a sleeping baby.

Thank goodness I'm over that "newborn" stage. Roll on year 5!

Kids I can do, they don't mean to do daft stuff, they're kids.

They are challenging, incredibly expensive (I joke with my eldest that they're my very expensive hobby ) and at times annoying, but can be a lot of fun too.

I don't like the baby stage (boring, tiring repetitive, loud), love toddlers and above and am starting to experience teenagers...

It's the OH that I find challenging - totally agree about the thinking for them bit, DH asked me where his wallet was this morning, though how the heck I should know is beyond me...also I tend to do more clearing up after him than anyone else in the house, including the baby!

Totally agree about baby groups (yawn) and how nobody tells you the whole truth about motherhood, but what I really don't get is the competative parenting.

SIL recently lied about how much/well her son slept at night (*he's slept through since he was 6 months old...(smug smile on face), then when we were on holiday together lied about how many times he'd been up in the night! WTFs that all about - did she think we were deaf/asleep through the endless hours of crying? He's a baby ffs, we've all had them and often they don't sleep, why all the mystery?

Nope not worth it1 and I completly agree about the crap 'you don't mind because you love them'

I do mind, I resent it and hate it most of the time!

Its expensive, health destroying and relationship shaking. Hasn't got 'better' yet alhtough thank god he's no longer a baby and ill all the time.

One of the things I hate the most is ALWAYS having to be the 'mum' so if we all go out its me that packs wipes etc, and I am sooo very very tired of having my career put on hold because I earn less than DH.

Today I'm struggling through work because for the past 3 nights DS (3) has been up at 12pm, 3am 6am(saturday), 4am, whinged for an hour and got up to start the day at 5am (monday) and 11pm, 1am, 2am and 6.30am (tuesday).
I'm bloody knackered, the house is a tip and I have a full shift this afternoon.

Even if you have a cleaner (I do for 3 hrs a week), there's still all the day to day stuff to do - every time you cook, every meal to be cleared away, laundry, ironing, bag-packing, admin...

Now a housekeeper...

When I read The Myth of Motherhood (I think it was that one); I remember the author writing "expectation and experience along with anticipation and actuality are vastly different". For someone whose has a terrible memory and that I am able to remember that quote is quite telling. DD (an only) is, of course terrific BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT.....

I like the discussion about being sold a lie. I think this lie was that having children, beyond just popping them out, and having a successful career are compatible. For me, and I am guessing for lots of others of you, they are simply not. I am 'lucky' enough that I earned a very good salary, so could have gone back to work with a full domestic staff (that phrase makes me snigger, it sounds so posh!), and therefore been a mother and have a career. But I would never have seen my children from one weekend to the next, which wasn't really what I had in mind (although some weeks sounds like a very appealling prospect).

I think the 'lie' is that there is a middle ground - ie that interesting, rewarding, part-time work exists which pays sufficient to make it worthwhile. I am sure it does in some careers, but not in most.

I have no regrets about having my DTS and even when I am feeling low, I don't blame them, I blame my selfishness and negative attitude.

I went back to work part-time when they were 6 months and that has helped me to maintain balance in my life.

As for the cooking, washing, cleaning treadmill, wouldn't you have that anyway without children?

One thing that I have learnt about myself since having children is that I am very, very patient and extremely adept at tuning out.

Great thread...may I add a Welsh saying:

'Pwy faga blant, a thedi bers mor rhad?'

'Who would have (lit. nurse, bring up) children, with teddy bears being so cheap?'

Penona "think the 'lie' is that there is a middle ground - ie that interesting, rewarding, part-time work exists which pays sufficient to make it worthwhile. I am sure it does in some careers, but not in most."

I'm fortunate in that I have that (run a team of 20 male scientists and engineers) and so feel fulfilled on both the domestic and work front. The other key point for me is that I had my twins when I was 39yo so I had done a lot of living, travelling etc before then.

I think that the dissatisfaction comes from the fact some women feel want to do more with their lives whereas if you have accomplished a great deal before having children (and it is all relative anyway), then you don't feel as dissatisfied?

I wanted children because I wanted a meaningful existence and working in a high power job and spending endless hours on trains, airports, hotels etc did not fulfill that. That in itself became a grinding, empty treadmill.

When I die, nobody is going to remember the work I did but my children will remember me for being their mother who worked, who played with them,read to them and made great banana cake and roast dinners! That makes the whole thing worthwhile.

Fantastic post - so good to realise i'm not alone. I'm 39, have one dd nearly 3 and have just found out i'm pregnant (bit of an accident as had been unable to decide if i wanted another or not). I feel i should be happy but i'm not. I love dd to bits of course but I have just gone back to a new and stressful job (3 days) and feel a bit of my identity returning (which i think i well and truly lost). Consumed by the fear of being totally lost for the next 5 years in a constant juggling act of trying to work, look after 2 young kids (ok over 5 i think but the baby thing just does nothing for me), keep the house vaguely liveable in,etc etc etc. I feel a shadow of my former self and that can only get more so with a 2nd child. But of course i shouldnt feel like this - noone else does (or so i thought til i read this)...

spokette - I agree with you about the work thing - I had actually left my job before becoming pg as I just couldn't bear being on that treadmill any more. And I don't wish to go back on it, but I would like to do something interesting part time. You are very lucky you can do that with your career. I think it would really help me to get some perspective on the children and have a little bit of something for me. I am actively looking but not finding anything just yet.

As for the housework... before the DTs there was hardly any! A cleaner once a week, shirts and suits to the dry cleaners, dinner out a couple of times a week..... Just the odd load of washing really. I am amazed how much mess there is having two tinies in the house!!

"When I die, nobody is going to remember the work I did but my children will remember me for being their mother who worked, who played with them,read to them and made great banana cake and roast dinners! That makes the whole thing worthwhile. "

I dont' cook, and I'd hate DS to remember my attempts at it! the work I used to do would/will be remembered and was/is (hoping to get back to it) rewarding and fulfilling.

I agree about the hosuework thing too- we hardly had any HW before DS now its just this never ending cycle.

Christonabike, I would love to achieve work good enough to be remembered when I died. I bloody would.

I think feminism's 'problem', insofar as it has one, is that we - feminists - haven't got what we want and need yet. YET. We don't live in a post-feminist world. We still live in a world where 'real work' is 24/7 and the work - fulfilling work, in my case and in many other cases - that doesn't fit this pattern is, dammit, too much of a 'mummy track' because men don't opt for it.

Also men are not doing enough housework. I realise I am a bit obsessive on this point, but men aren't. Mothers have too much damn hoovering to do. It clogs the mind.

I do miss the time just doing nothing all Sunday.

And sometimes I think where did I GO? what happened to that flighty 22 year old who used to dance all night? where is she? How can I be a 30-something mother?

I can remember, and honest to G*d, even the memory traumatizes me to this day, of wearing a pair of Marigolds in the loo, trying to scrape the poo off my toddler, new born baby strapped in the baby sling around me and feeling so tired that I thought I was going to fall backwards.

We had been posted when I was pregnant to a new country where I knew noone and couldn't speak the language. My DP had to go to the Far East for a month a couple of weeks after the baby was born and I can really remember thinking that whatever life was going to throw at me, this would probably be up there as one of the crappiest experiences of my life.

It's as if I've almost completely blanked off those early years which is a shame in many ways because I don't really remember what any of my dcs were like as tiny ones.

I don't think I was sold a lie as my siblings all had children before me and were so doom and gloom that it actually feels like parenthood has been really easy! (Baby is 11 months). I suppose then it depends on your expectations/how your expectations have been influenced. I remember when I was pregnant - so many people said 'you'll know what its like very soon' and other similar negative statements, I feel like I've kept my 'normal' life going - with obvious changes! rather than a complete change/ it being negative. I know I am lucky though as I have a very flexible job and no money worries. But I think I thought parenthood was going to be so bad from the things that have been said to me over the years that now that its turned out well it has made me feel like its pretty damn good! I find it surprising that so many people have not been 'warned' ominously like I have but maybe thats the nature of my siblings!

Interesting Chelsey - i'm older too (had dd at 43) and don't feel I was sold a lie either. In fact, I don't feel any of this came as a surprise (and would have another if I could). I knew I would full-time motherhood challenging so I planned for that (contnuing PhD - sometimes the work/other balance is very tough but hallelujah I'm on the home stretch and I'd go bonkers without it). I knew I would crave adult company so I worked at keeping a good network like-minded of mums (and we often complain to each other!). Dh helps as much as he can given a very demanding job and travel. I'm in the best position I could be with a very gentle-natured child - and STILL I like to complain

after having a good job (well to me!) as I posted earlier, I'm now working as a waitress for minimum wage. THIS shift from the sublime to the ridiculous is hard to take and knocks my confidence into the ground, but its my choice, like we all made a choice. No one has it all (stupid suggestion), we all have what we settle for. I have all the time in the world with my 2 kids, which is what I want. I have to settle for a crappy, badly paid job to enable me to have all this time with them.

I really don't believe women think they can have a fab career and spend all the time they want with their kids, its just not compatible/possible. Is that what having it all meant?

I don't want all the time in the world with dd (heaven forbid!) but personally I don't want to work FT (especially not the kind of academic FT that is FT and a half at least). That will probably cost me any kind of academic career at all and I will be very sorry about that - but I knew that. I don't like it, but I made an informed choice.

I think very few have it all. I don't know any but I can imagine they might exist somewhere - with high incomes and masses of domestic support. But I didn't expect to be one of them. But I will try very hard to have as much of my cake as possible.

I spent the first 10 months of dd's life thinking 'this is shit! I gave up my young life.....for this?' I'm a 21 year old, single mum to a 14 month old dd, and it still hasn't all worked out yet, although it's getting there, slowly.

I've had to work so hard to gain more patience, understanding and reason, I've also had to learn not to be selfish, so much so that I feel like less than half the person I used to be. I'm also a young mum in an area of older mums, fun! My friday nights consist of checking my facebook acocunt and I still have 3 2.5 stone of baby weight to loose.

I hate the fact that I have to be the one that gets up with dd every morning. I hate the fact that I'm the one that's left to do everything on my own as numpty exp doesn't want to know!

And should I ever get pregnant again, should anybody approach me gushing about how much of a gift children are, I will punch them, hunt them down months later and let them change the nappies, get food thrown at them , clean the crayon off the wall, convince the dog everything is ok and dd wont try and pull his tail off again, have their earings ripped out, clean up the kitchen having all the cubords emptied etc!

And yes, her 7pm bedtime is the best bit to everyday! Having said all that, I'm now in a good place and, exhausting as she is, God I love her lol!

I saw this thread and thought I would add to it. I suppose that I am approaching motherhood from a slightly different perspective.

I pursued my academic interests and obtained my Ph.D in my early twenties. I then went on to have a successful career in investment banking. I did the working abroad, the wonderful holidays and weekends away on the spur of a whim. Eventually I was tired of the rat race and gave up work. The one rite of passage I had not experienced so far was motherhood.

Previously I had absolutely no interest in children and I was never at a point in my career when I could take a break without it affecting my prospects ( I was very ambitious). So it was project baby in my early forties. I was very lucky that IVF worked and I now have a 6 month old baby.

Motherhood has been the most amazing experience of my life and I am simply loving every minute of it. I also feel incredibly fortunate that I had the career I wanted and when I eventually wanted a baby, I achieved this as well.

i feel a bit nauseous

aricabean

Its great that you have such a zest for life and I am really pleased that you are enjoying motherhood.

I appreciate this is a public forum and you are entitled to post where you like but dont you think posting about how wonderful your life is on a thread where there are some seiously struggling mums is just a tad unsupportive and even insensitive

arabicabean = a troll, surely? nobody's that insensitive!

This is the best thread ever!!!
i wish i could go toilet/have a bath/have a coffee without one of my 3DC finding me,then talikng over the toilet,joining me in the bath and nicking the last choc bikkie i hid for myself, wouldn't change them for the world just want some ME time every now and then! six week hols havent helped hooray for Sept .

I wish my dh would have enthused a bit more about seeing his dds for the first time and got excited at the prospect of being a dad - anything that was on a level pegging for his increasing excitement for the approaching football season .

I'd like it too if dh took holiday to spend time with his family rather than booking time out to go fishing/golf.

I'm resentful that my life changed and that his didn't but I don't resent my children.

I hate that dd1 has taken to ruining things in the house. In the last month I've had sudocreme on the carpet, biro on the cot, bed, children and table, an ornament broken (which I thought was out of reach). I don't want to have to move everything in my whole house and I'm not prepared to consider that nothing is sacred in my house.

I would love to have an evening out with dh without the need for military organisation.

pah.

Apart from that, everything else is ticketyboo.