The Motherhood Delusion

[SantaLucia]

A thread to safely house all the thoughts that you are ashamed to admit. Example:

Why did we have children?

When does it all become worth it?

The day my child was born was NOT the best day of my life (it was my wedding) and I absolutely remember the pain and the boredom of being in hospital.

I can't be bothered reading about child development.

The health visitor is not worth a trip in the rain with a sleeping baby.

Thank goodness I'm over that "newborn" stage. Roll on year 5!

thanks for the supportive comments. This is a great thread and it really helps to know I'm not alone

favourthebrave - sorry if I misinterpreted your comments. I think you have a valid point regarding 'the condition of early motherhood'. Does every woman experience this to some degree? I wonder how women felt a couple of hundred years ago?

reckon the line between the 'condition of early motherhood' and pnd can often be a bit blurred. it took me a long time to accept i might have the latter, but i tell you what, just a few months so far on meds has lifted me out of a hole i didnt even know i was in. (i say didnt know; i was suicidal and beside myself on the brink of proper madness trying to work out which was which)

have only just found this thread... and what a releif to do so! unsayable things... are a helluva burden imo/e. and the burden is on everyone, not just us mothers, so its to the benefit of our dc and aps that we can say them!

i am learning(or trying to learn) not to be disgusted wiuth myself for NOT being overthemoon happy to hang out all day every day and night with 3 under 3's (theyre under 6's now). thing is, my feeling guilty about feeling that way does nothing to help them or me, so why do it?

thank fuck for the antidepressants i say. took me 2 yrs to get my gp to give them to me but im glad i have them now! im sure i'll not need them forever...

Thank you thank you thank you for starting this thread. It's soooooo good to hear that other mother's struggle on a daily basis - just like me. It's so blardy tough these days to be a mum. Even before the baby is born you're bombarded with 'information' on what you can and can't eat, what you can do, what you can't do, what you can wear, what you can't wear. Oh and how you're supposed to look....super skinny but with cutest little baby bump.

Then you give birth and it's supposed to be amazing. And of course you breast feed for a year. Pop back into your size 6 jeans in 2 weeks. Look perfectly groomed. All on 2.5 hours sleep. Oh yeah. I forgot. You're also supposed to run own company or write novel or smug mother book whilst baking all your own bread and eating 100% organic food. And if you don't do all of this you're a FAILURE and your kids will grow up to be homicidal axe weilding maniacs.

There are some days when I just want to crumple under the pressure of trying to be all things to all people. I HATE the sodding guilt that I feel all the time. That I'm somehow letting my kids down if i haven't arranged after school activities, play dates, days out. Heaven forbid they should just play in their rooms with their toys. It's my damn fault for swallowing all this guff in the first place.

I hate that I lose my temper and shout at my kids. It upsets me hugely that DD1 (7 years) and I seem to be permanently clashing heads over everything. I hate that she's so bloody blase about losing things and expecting them to be replaced instantly. I hate that she ignores me,. I hate that she whines and crys like a 2 year old. I HATE that she calls me 'mama' in a whingy voice. I feel as if some days that I could quite happily Ebay her. And wonder where the hell I went wrong because I swore I'd never have a brat.

DD2 (2.5 years) just stroppy mare. Expects me to play with her for hours. I'm bored to friggin tears with Play Doh, lego, colouring. But of course I play wither her because I'd be bad mother if I didn't. Then it's the endless cycles of bargaining with her to do things. sometimes I just want to scream at her to 'just do it'.

Some days I'm so bored with this whole motherhood malarky that I want to walk out of the door. Some days I just can't stand to be happy and chirpy. I WANT to be in a bad mood.

It's the endless cycle of cooking/cleaning/washing/ironing etc etc etc that makes me so brain dead. I went to university for god's sake. I had a good job. I used to be able to read a paper cover to cover. Not just skim articles because my concentration levels are zero now.

But when all is said and done. I wouldn't be without them. I love them dearly. And constantly look at them adn wonder how on earth I managed to prduce two such lovely creatures. It's down to me to change what I don't like. All I can do is try and equip them with the morals and skills to get them thru life with the least amount of trouble.

Phew. Blimey. That felt GOOD to let that all out.

For me it's knowing that this phase will pass (currectly it's 20 month old ds hitting and throwing things in temper)...only to be replaced by an equally sould-destroying one .

And we're trying for another child !

All of this puts me in two minds and I don't want to turn this thread into a one about ADs. But you are right favourthebrave, is it a condition or PND. My GP says I have PND, apparently I've had it on and off since ds1 was born but then I think I have two gorgeous kids, a good (but v. busy) job, a nice (but untidy and permanently in a state of DIY hiatus) house, a supportive family and a fab dh so why do I want to cry all the time and scream at my kids ? I blame the lack of decent sleep (thinking about the physiological/lack of dopamine side of it), but then is that the aforementioned 'condition of motherhood' - it comes with the territory.

Georgie Girl I am so with you on para 4, are you me ?

I've just discovered Mumsnet, my husband says it is knackering our sex life because I'm on here all night now! I suppose that doesn't help me with the lack of sleep either .

This is the best thread I have read on MN. It is amazing to see how many of us feel the same way and frankly a releif to know I am not the only one. Honeydews post summed everything up for me. I am currently wrestling with the idea of whether or not to return to my PT job next year (on mat leave with no 2). I will earn enough to cover childcare and travel until the eldest starts school and then will be earning more. At first I thought I wouldn return as it would effectively mean earning nothing for 1.5 years. Just not sure I could do this for another 2 years!

Another thank you for this thread. I think so often that this is not what I signed up for. I was sadly, tragically, suddenly and devastatingly widowed whilst pregnant with first child. So now I do this motherhood thing alone and struggle on through grief and some days are really great and others are TERRIBLE, and I have no idea whether it's about grief or just about being knackered and bored with the whole toddler thing. I'm not posting this to be competitive about who has it worst, because other people's misfortune should have no bearing on how you feel about your own life. I am very lucky in many ways, have friends, family, a good job, have found great childcare ... it's just not what it was supposed to be. And I'll never know how it would have been had things been different. And I think that this is the problem for anyone who is wondering where their sane, independent and non-tired selves went. If you hadn't had children but wanted them you would probably be sadly looking in on other "perfect" family groups and wishing it was you. I have single friends who can have it all and they are lonely and sad and want kids and a relationship!

I suspect that a lot of what I have problems with is just that toddlers aren't massively interesting ... ds can't talk or walk yet and though he is as cute as hell and I love him to the point that I can't breathe when I look at him, I hope so much that he will start doing MORE soon. At which point I will look back on the good old days and sigh with longing.

Sorry this was a ramble. It is just lovely to read that other people find it dull too. Whilst loving their children too of course.

When we were little mum had two of us under 4 and dad was away, she lived up 8 flights of stairs and no lift, and a long way from her mum. I was often ill and had greeted my younger sister's arrival with an initial horror that soon progressed to a grim faced attempt to remove her from our lives and a concurrent display of behaviour so bad it still prompts a respectful pause from older relatives prompted to remember it. Now I have 2 small girls of my own and apart from an omniabsent husband none of the other troubles. I often say to her 'why do you never moan about those time? If I were you I would just never stop harping on about it, it must have been awful'. She says' it wasnt great' but then just shrugs and moves on. What I am saying ladies is by the time you are 65 you will have reconciled yourself to it.... Actually more seriously I do wonder if our expectations are higher now and that makes the undoubted shock of motherhood and loss of freedoms harder??

greenandpleasant, you sound like a very positive person.

I think we're bombarded with images of blissful motherhood, how we're supposed to be, feel etc. And it all sets us up for disappointment, a sense of failure, inadequacy etc.

My mum never played with me. She was far too busy. She certainly wasn't a bad mum. She had a lot on her plate, like all parents do.

I think it's a shame that mums can't vent some spleen without being regarded as attacking motherhood in its entirety and requiring the need of 'a defence of motherhood' thread.

It's frustrating that everything has to be so black and white - you don't have to be someone who loves mothering or not. You can be a mix and, do you know what, that's just fine.

Everyone is on the scale of loving it some days, hating it others, finding it ok other days and better than ok on other days. It's the same in life in general, with or without children.

And I bet there are plenty plenty of mothers from previous generations who do moan a lot. And so they bloody well should. It's hard work and often a thankless task. Motherhood is totally undermined in the UK, I think. It's makes me quite cross.

How true is this thread. I agree with almost every word of it. Its so nice to know I am normal after all.

I love my children dearly and cant believe that I managed to create two beautiful, wonderful children its just everything that goes with children I am tired off. The endless cooking,eating,cleaning, washing cycle. Spending my evenings cajoleing everyone to bed when all I want to be doing is watching TV, not being able to watch what I want or read a book without seperating the fights or demands of cebebees/dvd's and the one thing that I really miss is the silence, how nice it would be to be in the house on my own in silence or even do things in silence without having someone natting away in my ear hole constantly.

I thought I would be a homely fun mum who loved playing with her children or doing cooking and craft but instead ive changed into the mum who would rather do housework than have to spend time playing made up games or craft stuff.

What a cracker of a thread!

Recently I've come to the cold conclusion that being a working mum is possibly the hardest work allowed in a civilised society. I adore my son, he's a joy, but the accoutrements of parenthood are often exhausting/boring/irritating/soul-destroying. I was mildly depressed for a while after his birth and can vividly remember the sense of grief for my lost existence. It's still there but it doesn't depress me anymore. However, I do sometimes long to jump in the car, drive somewhere lovely and just walk, like I used to without a second thought. That's what I really really miss. Now I have to plan ahead to have a pee.

"Feminism sold me a lie"

I have never read truer words on MN. I totally agree. I work full time, have 18 month old DS, do everything at home (DH does work his bollocks off but still) and I am knackered ALL THE TIME.

I don't know what the answer is. Would I rather not have DS and DH? Of course not. Would I rather not have my career? Hell no. I just have to accept that this is the life I was programmed to live, and make the best of it.

Such a brilliant thread. Keep wanting to forward it to people I try and have these conversations with (normally people wiht no kids) and say 'see, see, this is what it's like'..

I love my children to death and thought I was prepared but I wasn't. As everyone says, it's relentless, dull and messy. I hate the fact that Fridays are now the worse day of my week because I'm so knackered after working and the DC are knackered after nursery and when everyone in the office (none of whom have kids) are full of that friday feeling, I'm crossing london at breakneck speed to pick up DC before nursery closes (yes they are the last to be collected).. And it's the constant guilt. Guilt about that I'm not always there for the DC, guilt that I'm not always there for work.. My DH says I have no time for him and the truth is that I don't..At the end of the day I just don't have it left. With work and the DC, it's sucked out of me! I'm worried that I haven't had my roots done for ages and my grey hairs are coming through thick and fast and previously this would have been a state of dire emergency but I'm just not as bothered as I should be. Likewise the state of my eyebrows. I bought a tooth whitening kit 6 months ago that I still haven't used because i'm too knackered to contemplate any beautifying at 9.30pm which is the only bit of free time I have in the day.

Honeydew, ((()))! Been there, well, maybe still there: my DC are 5, 4 and 20 weeks and I work 30 hrs in professional job, in fact due return in 2 weeks after mat leave .

Much as this thread makes me feel better for so many reasons (I am clearly not alone out there in the mothering jungle; and it makes me laugh ), is it not amazing/sad/interesting/an indictment of society today how many of us there are and how popular the thread is?!

Just did bedtime for all 3 DSs as lone parent which I only have to do when DH away at work, so I know I am lucky. Now have glass of wine and trashy novel waiting for me, bliss (if they stay quiet...).

cookie, I actually go to bed without taking off my makeup some days because it's too much bloody effort. DH bought me a beauty treatment as a treat recently and I ended up having an almost row with the therapist because she refused to believe I didn't have ten minutes at night to cleanse, tone and moisturise. I bloody don't!!!

I was looking over at my teenage dd only yesterday while she was doing her very best to score a gold medal in Sulking for Britain, and wondering if the stretch marks had really been worth it....

This thread has been great for my mental health too! I was trying to explain to DH the other day that I feel like I don't know who I am any more. I thought I was finding it especially tough because when pregnant with no. 1 I moved from funky city to middle of country, moved in with DP and gave up (self-employed) work to become SAHM - so absolutely everything changed. It wasn't like my life just changed, it was like my old life was gone and I had a completely new one.

I used to have friends, not just playdate mums; I used to be able to go out for the day and not have to plan everything around when LO needs to eat or sleep; I used to go to sleep at night and not wake up until the next morning (seems like a distant memory now); I used to have a quite interesting, sometimes even stimulating job; I used to earn my own money and not have to argue with anyone else about it; I used to have stomach muscles; I used to travel, climb mountains, go diving.

BUT I also used to look wistfully at mothers and children in the playground and ache with longing to have my own. I used to feel that my life was a bit self-centred and lonely.

I too hate the domestic drudgery with a vengeance, and I'm not really a baby person. I'm better once they're little people with personalities, but now I have baby no. 2 I'm tired and snappy with no. 1 and every night resolve that tomorrow I won't lose my temper with him. I know that distraction and making things a game works better than getting impatient but sometimes I want to say 'just f-ing-well do it!'.

And it's true, DH just doesn't get it about having to constantly be planning ahead. He'll do things if I ask him to, but he never gets up at the weekend and has to ask me if I'll look after the kids while he has a shower.

I read a quote (I think it was in 'What Mothers Do', which is a great book btw, not a parenting manual) that went something like, 'looking after children is boring, tiring and lonely'. It shocked me to read it, but it's true. I love my children fiercely, but I so crave being something other than mummy for a while.

I realised the other day that I've been either breastfeeding or pregnant or both for the last almost four years! It was just when DS was about 18 months and I was feeling about ready to go back into the adult world of work again that I got pregnant (surprisingly quickly second time around), so that was that.

I'm really jealous of women who seem to have the perfect balance of part-time work and help from DH and childcare. But it was my choice to be a full-time mum... I wasn't prepared for how difficult it would be to leave my child, despite how tough mothering is.

But I sometimes think that it's not being a parent that's hard, it's doing it with just one or two of you. Maybe this is an idealised vision of 'traditional' communities, but in some cultures it isn't just the mother that brings up the child, they have help from their mother, aunties, sisters, neighbours, cousins, friends in the same village. And because they've been around other mothers and children all their lives they aren't shocked by suddenly finding themselves alone with a newborn and the telly. In our weird disjointed culture you can get to 30 without ever having held a baby, so of course you have no idea how to look after one.

OK, end of political bit now.

It's so true that tiredness makes everything 10 times harder - actually 100 times. On that note, I should go to bed now! Thanks to anyone who's read this far. And thanks to OP for helping us all feel normal.

georgimama, you have time to put make-up on in the first place?!

In the car, whilst stuck in traffic on the way to work.

Very moved by Honeydew's & Greenandpleasant's posts and certainly puts any whinges I might have in perspective.

I love this thread. Its the sort of thing I hope to find when I come on MN.

I also thought I'd be a wealthy funky child free lady, totally in control of her life. Then found out we couldn't have kids and wanted them SOOOO badly. After years of expensive tiresome treatments I now have 14mth DTs.

It is not at all what I expected. Lovely in parts and madly frustrating in others. I think the worst parts are: tiredness, lack of control, inability to walk away EVER, tedium of repetitive tasks. I am not quite sure what the best parts are yet but their delighted grin when mummy comes crawling into the playroom are pretty good!

Thanks for sharing everyone. Where are you people in RL?!