The Motherhood Delusion

[SantaLucia]

A thread to safely house all the thoughts that you are ashamed to admit. Example:

Why did we have children?

When does it all become worth it?

The day my child was born was NOT the best day of my life (it was my wedding) and I absolutely remember the pain and the boredom of being in hospital.

I can't be bothered reading about child development.

The health visitor is not worth a trip in the rain with a sleeping baby.

Thank goodness I'm over that "newborn" stage. Roll on year 5!

I don't think fatbag IS trying to say its so great all the time.

I actually think she is trying to say the same things as many people on this thread, but from the opposite viewpoint. Yes?

I love this thread.
I also love my DD, but I am not having any more children (out of choice)... HOORAY!

I mostly just want to go on holiday and lie on a beach for 2 weeks reading trashy magazines. Is that so bad?

There are several days a week where I dread the bedtime routine - even though I also often love that time of the day with DS as well. It's something about the routine of DS sitting in bath - squeezing the toys, pouring water and then the battle to get him dressed.

I do also often get feelings that there could be loads of other things I could be doing - or that I'm not able to do things I used ot love doing before. Like someone else earlier on this thread, I wish I had known more about the reality of all this - I would still have chosen to have a child but the gap between expectation and reality wouldn't have been so huge

But I still love parenthood - I was bored with my life before DS - definitely bored with drinking too much, having a lie-in. I love the quote earlier that the world is more colourful.

I keep trying to remind myself that the key thing is balance. And I also wonder if there's a lot here about society becoming more child-centred and that it is a negative step in some ways. We all feel we have to live up to the ideal of motherhood and that anything else (ie reality) is something to beat ourselves up about.

"Its the relish and triteness with which people voice their hatred and boredom, haven't seen much genuine shame, expressed, just a huge amount of gleeful slagging off"

Yes fatbag. I can see that too. I've posted on this thread and I can see how some of the posts might make you feel that. But I think many people are exaggerating for effect perhaps.

I love my children very very much. And I like them. I look at them growing up and I am amazed to see such likeable interesting human beings. And never for a moment do I regret having them. But I love being with them a lot more in retrospect, and in principle, than I do in reality. Unfortunately. I also look at them and truly beleive that they are what they are inspite of me not because of me. And that feels terrible.

I think you have a point Fatbag but I really thought the shame was in admitting you find it tough at times and that motherhood dosen't always live up to expectations. I never felt I could admit that. yet on the good days I will happily say how much I love my son and how wonderful he is.

For those of us who have suffered PND your comment about us just gleefully slagging off our children was a little insensitive

"truly beleive that they are what they are inspite of me not because of me"

God, I've felt this.

fatbag - if you dont like the thread or the views/ feelings/ expereinces expressed here....just walk away

there are thousands of threads on mumsnet - you dont have to like every one

essiew - I think that things have changed in the last few decades. Partly being more child-centred. Also 'parenting' is seen as a job - something to be done as near as dammit perfectly, rather than just what follows on after having a baby. But also, and I hate to say this, perhaps we are all allowed to be a little more self-centred. We are all consumers and can demand what we want! The reality of having to accomodate small demanding people that don't compromise clashes with that. It isn't possible to have the perfect lifestyle with children. They mess things up.

Oh God I've felt that, I've looked at my oldest son sometimes and the way he is kind and sharing and generous and forgiving and jolly, and thought "How did you get to be so nice, I don't think I'm even that nice to you!"

And it hurts, it hurts me to think I'm not as nice to him as he considers it necessary to be nice to others.

And it really doesn't help when people are quite insistant that "You wouldn't swap them for the world" and you smile and nod and agree and think that some days you'd swap them for a Westlife CD, even though they're rubbish.

I think a lot of people feel they can write stuff on MN that they don't like to say to friends and family. Rather than bottle all these feelings up it is reassuring to read that you are not alone. I've found motherhood to be lonely despite having a lot of support and friends nearby and threads like this make me feel a bit better. and some of the posts have made me laugh too. so thanks all.

they should make this thread compulsory for all teenagers - before they shag around and end up pg at 15.

The worst of it is that I can still see the last fleeing remnants of the daydreams I used to have when they were tiny, about what it would be like to have children, what I'd be like as a mother. And it still seems so perfect and pastel-coloured. I have some footage taken with an ancient camcorder before DS#2 was born (DD was 2ish and DS~1 5 perhaps) when we all went for a walk and took some boats to float down a stream. I was so calm and my voice sounded so gentle. Now I look 20yrs older, I am about as calm and a wasp on speed, and my voice has a fish-wife tendency

As I said on another thread recently - I think being a parent is harder these days because children don't play outside unsupervised as much as they did when I was a child. Parents are now expected to entertain and interact with their children a lot more because of this and feel guilty if, like me, they are bored stiff after 5 minutes...

Before I became a sahm I had visions of spending my days at home baking and doing crafts with my kids. Needless to say they are far more likely to be found in front of the tv!

These are the last few weeks before my youngest starts school and tbh, i can hardly wait!

OrmIrian I love that 'wasp on speed'

I have had a bad day so far. My DS is going through a phase of screeching at the top of his voice whenever I contradict him in any way. He also does not love his mummy at the moment, I am sure of it. So at lunch time when he sat at the table screeching at me because I wasn't making his lunch quick enough I just lost it. Screeched back at him (very mature) and chucked him out of the kitchen. We made up with some stories and cuddles but I find it so tough that he loves his daddy/granny/grandpa more as they never lose it like this with him.

Oh and I am gatting fatter and older and not achieving all the things I thought I would. Maybe it is a bit selfish to feel this way but when you have days like this you ask yourself if it is worth it. And of course you have plenty of days where you feel like it is but I thought my child would love me more and that would make it worth it. He is going to grow up despite me I think

Ormiran, that struck a chord.

I keep looking at videos of me pregnant, out for a cream tea with my mum and friends, decorating the nursery, DH 'test driving' our pram around the local park, we took a doll in it, we though it was hilarious. and it was all so so rose tinted.

Now I am en route to divorce (nothing to do with having the DC mind), have all but lost my career and there is probably not even a metre of wall in my house that isn't covered in crayon/ felt tip.

All that said I love my DC more , sometimes, than I can bear.

I knew enough in advance to know it would be hard work and difficult. Even from my own childhood, I can remember my parents running round in a daze looking exhausted! I had a fairly realistic attitude towards it but it is still another thing actually living it.

I think it is like lots of 'grown-up' things in life. It is about deferred satisfaction rather than instant gratification. It is about long-term happiness and contentment, rather than immediate freedom and pleasure. It's not for everyone, nor should it be. where would we be without those people who don't have children but rather put everything they have into their career (and no, I am not talking about men!)

I see parenthood as like the equivalent of a very long education, including a 4-year PhD or whatever. It will be great to get the qualification at the end (happy son or daughter with stable relationships in a rewarding career?) but that is not enough of a motivation. You have to do it out of love of the process because, part-way through, it is a very daunting task and can seem interminable.

With parenthood, there is a lot of drudgery but, luckily, there are also lots of little smiles and giggles and proud moments and hugs and cuddles, lots of frustration and worry and guilt (and expenditure!!) but also lots of humour. The affection and the humour help during those times when you feel like you have no life any more.

Certainly, as a woman, it is more the norm to want to be a mother and you can justify your whole existence just by 'popping out a sprog' if you want to. But being a parent is no better or worse than not being one. It's just a different life and probably the biggest choice you will ever make. It shouldn't be a matter of peer pressure but rather a commitment you choose.

The occassional day off would be nice...or even 20 days a year as is statutory requirement in most jobs.

Yes, there is no such thing as a holiday from this job!

I remember once sobbing to DH that I was a terrible mother as all I wanted was for someone to come and take DD (about 5 months) away for the day.

He was so calm and brilliant and said "That doesn't make you a terrible mother. You just want a day off."

Didn't get it though!

raggety you make so much sense and I feel better now. We sometimes focus on the bad bits and forget the good bits as well I suppose.

Everyone remember that it is the fact that we are good mums and love our LOs that we keep going through the drudge and don't swap them for westlife CDs (that made me laugh, so thanks whoever said that can't remember!)

motherhood is boring? those of you who said that please please tell me how you subdue your lo's long enough to become bored?

this morning alone i have solved the murder of barbie who was found decapitated this morning dd2 has been found guilty and was sentanced to an hour in a cage though barbies head was found in the dogs kenell i have also had the 'cinema' talk and put a stop to the attempted torture of dd2 and the dog and stopped several escape attempts of dd2 from highchair/playpen/bouncer toy. and finally admitted defeat and called my mum to come and relieve me of dd1 who is a particulalry foul mood today due to being tired.

ah i get it you have babies? enjoy the boredom while its lasts

Just found this thread and so glad other mums feel the way I do sometimes:
I hate the way everything precious of mine gets destroyed.
At bathtime I sit on the loo lid and listen to the archers.
I count the years until my youngest starts school [3 long years].
At dinertime I lock myself behind the stairgate in the kitchen, drink wine, surf the net and listen to the radio.
I get very frustrated that anything I do for ME gets interupted.
Its shocking to discover that the yummy mummies I thought were so in control, who said "hi!, yes great, yes we're all fine" are actually crying everyday into there wine like me.
This is where the shame and guilt come into it. Hardly anyone will come out and admit its horrible quite a lot of the time. Its a conspiracy.

She sells; isnt the boredom in doing that in some way every day, day after day. After day, after day.

It is a conspiracy pushchair

One of the first celebrities to come out and admit PND was Brooke Shields and look at the flack she got for it

She still managed to pose for a magazine a few weeks after birth though with no doubt hundreds of mums wistfully lookingat said picture thinking 'if only'