The Motherhood Delusion

[SantaLucia]

A thread to safely house all the thoughts that you are ashamed to admit. Example:

Why did we have children?

When does it all become worth it?

The day my child was born was NOT the best day of my life (it was my wedding) and I absolutely remember the pain and the boredom of being in hospital.

I can't be bothered reading about child development.

The health visitor is not worth a trip in the rain with a sleeping baby.

Thank goodness I'm over that "newborn" stage. Roll on year 5!

It is precisely the 'lack of diversion and surprise' that seems to characterise parenthood, not the lack of it.

When my children were smaller, I really found it impossibly awful. It's quite enjoyable now, but it is a bit Stockholm Syndromish, definitely.

My new habit is to set my alarm for 6.30 and sneak around the house. I have a shower, do my hair and makeup, listen to the radio (with headphones) and drink at least two pots of coffee. That way I feel at least semi human when the breakfast/nursery run routine starts.

Often they wake up at 7 but if they don't notice I'm up will play happily in their rooms for at least an hour. bliss. If they notice me it's instant screeching.

I am so far finding motherhood more rewarding on my own (recently seperated) I think sometimes men can be more of a hindrance than a help.

'If you're tired, everything is hard'. Ooooooh YES. I don't think I was deluded or rose tinted about motherhood, I really don't. But I never expected that 2.5 years down the line I still wouldn't have had an uniterrupted nights sleep. That makes everything but everything really hard.

And I can't do my job properly any more. I am too tired to do the extra thinking and being engaged with my field that I need to do. I didn't expect that. I expected the stuff about discrimination and part time working, but not that I'd be too damn tired to think when I was in the office.

Also, I do very very very much resent the huge numbers of relationships that have been sacrificed to my children. Not so much with their father - we get on fine, most of the time - but all those other relationships and friendships that used - rightly - to underpin my life. And I can't put the energy into them that I used to, and that I should, and saying 'oh they will understand that I've vanished for, ooh, around a decade' simply doesn't wash, I think. Especially as at least one of them has MS, and I can't just expect her to be hanging around waiting for me to emerge from the primordial sludge of Worrying About Key Words.

God you are so right Cicatrice. Am abroad on holiday with housekeeper at present and difference is unbelievable. I amquite anice mother for achange.

How I keep sane with young children as SAHM:

DH ALWAYS does the bedtime routine.

For Xmas and birthday I ALWAYS ask for night away in hotel alone, even near home or in cheap hotel. Peace and quiet for 48 hours. Bliss!

I think these things really make the difference.

Ah yes. I made myself a cup of coffee just now. Baby woke up, I held her, it went cold. I microwaved it, baby woke up, I held her,it went cold. I microwaved it, baby woke up, I held her,it went cold.

Its just the lack of a break. At work I had my lunch hour that was completely mine.

And some days I am just so, so, so tired.

Excellent idea Nopain

am not good at playing with my dd either, makes me feel guilty
I would not be without her but if I didn't go to work I think I would go a bit mad

am expecting number 2 now and whilst I am very happy and excited about it am also apprehensive as I think life will get infinitely more complicated in terms of carrying on working and in terms of our home life too
sounds selfish but I know I will lose the modicum of free time I have at home (dd is a good napper)- essential if I am to retain my grip when things are getting a bit trying

ok I am selfish I know but I just don't want to be utterly susbsumed in domesticity...

I hate this thread - its not really unspeakable is it? This kind of thing is always in the media. Its so disingenuous to say that this stuff is never voiced - everyone seems to say this kind of thing all the time and think its okay, not many threads about how amazing and beautiful children are, are there? Kid stuff is dull sometimes - but is/was everything you do fascinating and scintillating all the time?

And the vitriol - I can't bear it, perhaps venting like this helps, but it just seems to make things worse as everyone is confirming the awfulness of it all. And why so horrible to mid-wives and mother and toddler coffee mornings and the NCT and teachers? If you don't like them - avoid them, but everyone seems to be bloody glad when the teachers take over 5 days a week, for most of the year.

Its not that I'm not going through all these things and don't feel as bored, cross,crowded, tired, sore as the rest of you, I do (my fantasy is to just walk out the door and keep walking), but it doesn't need saying over and over. Of course housework is dull and repetitive, but so is admin and going to work and other people and partying and traveling and shopping and sex and any number of activities if you have to do it all the time - that's just life and god, children are more rewarding than any of those (apart possibly from sex).

I am going to get slammed for this, and I am really sorry if you are genuinely feeling grim and having a hard time (I guess some of this stems from the never ending summer holiday), but the joylessness and meanness here, makes me sad.

Urgfh. The endless feeling of being on a treadmill. It's relentless.

Fatbag, the point of the thread is thoughtst that people are ashamed to admit -- no one is hardly going to say they're ashamed about how sweet, beautiful and funny their DC is, are they?

DC are fighting and I'm ashamed to admit I'd quite like to lock them in their rooms for rest of the day, truth.

fatbag, I think you are missing the point slightly

the general feeling I get from this thread is yes, its hard, yes its boring but we would not change it (not much anyway )

Fatbag people are finding it cathartic to vent a little.

If it offends you so much perhaps this is not the thread for you.

"Motherhood is so much more than and not at all what I expected." That's the point, exactly, I think - thank you DanceswithLordPottingtonSmythe! I said exactly the same thing to dh in floods of tears on Saturday when he said he didn't think I actually enjoyed being a parent very much. I do, I love it. But my god it's hard work and if I'd known all the hard stuff beforehand I'd certainly have thought carefully before embarking on it. I'd probably still have gone for it, but I wouldn't continually suffer the disappointment at the gulf between reality and my expectations.

Fatbag - I don't feel joyless. My children fill me with joy. For me the wonderful thing about this thread is that so many people feel exactly the same way I do. I don't think many people are saying they regret having children, just that there are aspects of it that they don't enjoy. And it's hard to talk to people about these. I agree with 95% of what's been written here, but have never once articulated it to anyone, even my closest friends.

yeah, you see Fatbag, in your opinion children are the joy of the universe and stars of the heavens, and looking after them is a privilige and an elevation, but for many people it's not the housework tht's the problem, as you have assumed. IT'S THE BLOODY CHILDREN.

Some people DON'T find their children more rewarding than everything except sex. Some people are shocked to find that they don't find their children rewarding AT ALL.

And may I say, your post is exactly the sort of thing I used to say when I have one docile 15 month old baby, and I look back on myself and my smuggery and the scales have dropped from my eyes.

I understand the original point of the thread flack, but if you read what people have said it just seems to be the same old same old - nobody is genuinely ashamed that they don't really like changing nappies or endless house work are they? Its the relish and triteness with which people voice their hatred and boredom, haven't seen much genuine shame, expressed, just a huge amount of gleeful slagging off.

I see this thread as having some serious bits and some tongue in cheek bits. Arent we all allowed to wallow occasionally?

Most comments are countered with "but I love my DCs"...

Nobody is every ashamed that they don't like nappies and housework. People are ashamed when they don't like playing with their children, doting over sacred bathtime or having 'family time'. People are ashamed when they hide in the kitchen with a packet of biscuits and a copy of Heat rather than sit and chat to their children about what happened today. People get ashamed when they sell Peppa Pig as a fabulous treat when really it means the kids will glaze over in front of the idiot box and stop hitting each other.

Ladies, I think you should all put your heads together and write a book.

Send it to all the schools in the country (hopefully for compulsory reading) and by all means I think this might be the solution to problems with teenage pregnancy in the country!!

Right, I'm off to clean the floor (which is covered in my delicous homemade lunch) and try to convince DS1 to have a wee in the toilet. (Goodness, I promise I have had more exciting times).

Yes TBGP that's EXACTLY it!

TBGP - that's not actually my opinion. And i understand that the genuine shame of feeling that sometimes (all the time?)you don't actually like your own children or want to be around them. But frankly I feel more shame and embarrassment at expressing any pleasure, pride or joy in my two - its just not done - much better socially to say how ghastly they are, how boring it all is. I think Snickersnack has the balance right.

Also don't expect people to post what they are not ashamed about, but I do feel really sheepish about saying to anyone, ever that I love my girls and I think they are fab,though. Off to wipe, wash, scrub and clean (I am ashamed of that being a Big cook Little cook reference).

Surely not Fatbay (ashamed to admit how much you love them?).

I feel we are constantly bombarded by people telling us these are the best times, how lucky we are, how great it is, how we should have loads of children, how sad I should be to be back at work.

Sorry - fatbag - although I hate typing that - is it all so great if you have chosen a name like that????