Unconditional Parenting

[KTNoo]

I know there have been threads about this approach before, but I just had to share this....

I bought this Alfie Kohn book a couple of weeks ago, and OMG, WHAT a relief! My ds in particular is like a different child, but I can see differences in the 2 dds as well.

I always used praise/warnings/time-outs. I had a feeling they were not working. My parents told me I didn't praise my dc enough. It is such a relief to not feel I have to praise them for every little thing. They are happy with "you did it" or similar. This evening ds(5) wouldn't get into the bath. I asked why not and he said he didn't want to stop playing. I said I understood that but he needed to stop soon and have a bath because we need to wash ourselves blah blah blah. He didn't move so I took the dds upstairs and got on with the bath. ds came upstairs a few minutes later and lay on his bed. A few minutes after that he appeared in the bathroom and started taking off his clothes. I didn't say anything, just helped him climb in. It was unbelievable. Before, I would have coerced/counted to 3/threatened no story etc, he would have got into the bath in a foul mood and I would have ended up all stressed out. Instead we had a lovely relaxed bath and story time and he went to bed quite happy.

I know this must sound like nothing much to those of you who have been using this approach instinctively. But I was brought up on a diet of threats and "sugar-coated control" (as the book calls it) so I guess I just did the same.

It's also much more relaxing to think before stopping the dc doing something "why not?". Today they brought their pillows downstairs and started doing sack races in the garden, and I thought "why not?" Unfortunately my mum told them to put them back!

Sorry this is long but I had to share my enthusiasm. Anyone else like this book?

OK I am definitely going to get this book. I have been trying to react to DS1 today based on what I have learnt of this approach and he has been so lovely, he really appreciates being listened to and his feelings validated.

The problem is that DP and I seem to be going in diametrically opposed parenting directions! DP got up with the boys and let me have a lie in this morning because I'd been awake in the night with back pain but then about half an hour later he dragged in DS1 and practically shoved him on the floor and said he'd washed his hands of him because he was defying him. Later, I texted him at work and asked if we could discuss what had happened because DS1 said his arms were feeling bruised from where DP had gripped him but DP said he doesn't want anything to do with him now I feel so sad because DS1 is so lovely and he is only 8 years old FFS and not off the rails in any way as DP is suggesting. DP is a trained social worker so he should know how wrong this approach is and he doesn't seem to realise the hypocrisy of criticising DS1 for his tantrums when he himself is unable to control his temper.

I know parents are supposed to present a united front on discipline but I am not going to let DS1 be treated in this way. DP should have been home from work by now but no sign so maybe he has stopped off to reflect on his behaviour. Does anyone have any advice on what to do when parents have such differing views on discipline? The school holidays are really bringing our differences to a head but hopefully we can work through it although at the moment DP is being very dictatorial and saying the matter isn't open for discussion unless DS1 changes his behaviour.

moondog, it's not desperate or insecure to seek more information about anything you want to do well.

this discussion has reminded me of something I read before ds was born. I am not advocating it, just giving food for thought. make some tea before you read it though, it's long.

Am coming late to this thread, but wanted to add my voice. A couple of weeks ago I posted on MN saying that I was at the end of my tether with my 4 year old. We were getting into constant battles, me doing a lot of shouting and me literally not wanting to be with him at all.

This book was recommended. I've still not finished it but I began trying to practice the approach after reading the first chapter (although I will say I was getting seriously annoyed with the way he kept telling me what not to do, instead of what I should do).

But the transformation in a week has been amazing. My son still has tantrums and can be a pain in the butt, but the major transformation is in me. I see him differently now. I am a billion times more calm. I can completely see his frustrations. Sometimes they don't make sense to me and sometimes he just has to do what he's told because some things aren't negotiable, but honestly the change is jaw dropping.

The thing that has become most apparent to me, is just how much I was influenced by what other people thought. Friends of ours were the first to have kids and were our only real role models when we had ours. They are incredibly authoritarian and I just felt that to be perceived as a 'good' parent you had to be seen by other parents as 'doing the right thing'. All this time I've been doing time outs and sticker charts and it has completely not suited my son's temperament at all. I actually now feel embarrassed for all the times I gave my son time outs at playgroups etc because i thought i was doing the right thing - and actually i was just being a twit.

I know we're still going to have battles ahead but good grief, I feel so much more in control.

Oh, and my son is now about a million times more loving and affectionate with me as a result of this approach.

Here's an example of how i used it: On Saturday I wanted to have some 'me time' and go shopping on my own. He begged to come. Begged and begged. And my response was initially No. But then I explained to him why I wanted to go on my own and that if he came along he'd probably get bored and would nag for things, and that I needed to have quiet time. He said he promised that he wouldn't get bored or nag.

So I took a gamble and took him. He was incredibly. He plodded along next to me, pointing out things he liked the look of, helping me choose clothes. He did have the odd nag for soemthing but when I reminded him of our agreement, he'd stop without fuss. In the end I had a better day than if I'd gone out on my own.

He's also always been really sensitive and hates being looked at. I found praising him hard as he'd respond negatively to it. Now I'm managing to praise him differently and he's blossoming. I can literally see his confidence growing.

Sorry. I'll stop now, but really the change has been amazing. And the little one is responding just as well to it...

joshandjamie that is so good to hear. I'm trying to think what I would do in the situation you described, because in my case it would mean 3 hangers-on.

superflybaby, I agree with you - although I am getting the idea and often know what I should have done in restrospect, I'm finding that it can be hard to put into practice and break old habits.

Today ds was horrible, horrible, horrible. Throughout the day he annoyed/hurt both his sisters, shouted "NO!" whenever he was asked to do something, and many many more things. I managed to not lose it or make any threats the whole day. I am not the most easy going and this was hard! But, before bedtime we were reading stories and he was just being a real pain - deliberately making noise during dd's story so she couldn't hear, then literally shoving her off the sofa so he could sit next to me. I ended up getting angry with him, which made him angry too. I think because I spent the whole day making such an effort I just didn't have any more energy and wanted to get them into bed quickly. He ended up running off with his book so it never got read. I did have a chat with him before he went to sleep about why I was cross and how I would like him to behave. How to stay calm when they are so good at winding me up?!

Does this give tips about how to unconditionaly patrnty when splitting yp, per chance? I could do with some of that

j&j, I know this sounds soppy, but it's so lovely to hear somebody say that they are enjoying parenting. We don't hear it a lot, now I think about it.

I also want to look at raising boys, so thank you to whoever recommended that one (sorry, computer too slow to go back to page).

Phd, brilliant reply - 'it is not desperate or needy to seek advice on something you want to do well' (or similar). I like your style!

monkeytrousers, I don't remember anything specific about parents splitting up. It's not a book that gives tips, it's definitely more theory than practice.

After reading this thread, I ordered the book and am now over half way through. It's really interesting & makes a lot of sense. It's the emphasis on the long term and what you really want a child to learn that is so different to conventional 'discipline' - not just getting a child to behave how you want right now but them not understanding why. I'm going to persuade dp to read it next, my explanations aren't very clear! Got to get back to it now .... but thanks KTNoo for the thread .