DS11 threatens suicide

[SpinningPlates4eva]

Hi all. I’m really struggling to know how to deal
with my son, and would appreciate any advice from anyone who’s experienced something similar.

DS11 has always been quite emotional, sometimes mean and very opinionated. He never had many friends during primary school, other than a few girls that he got along well with. He was bright, sporty, funny and quite mature for his age, and a lot of the time he was friendly and genuine. But sometimes he couldn’t tolerate people easily, so he struggled to maintain friendships as he could be really, embarrassingly, unkind. I had lots of meetings with the school and made lots of apologies to parents.

All attempts at sanctions / punishments / consequences made no difference as he seemed to lack any impulse control so would be unkind and then say oops afterwards.

In years 5 & 6 he suffered a lot with anxiety because of his lack of friendships, and because the few boys in his class had started to sneakily bully him without the teachers seeing. DS would inevitably react and then get into trouble so he spent a lot of time in break time detention, which he actually liked as it meant he wasn’t sitting alone at break or lunch. But because he’d been labelled the naughty boy, the school had no interest in helping deal with his emotional needs.

I paid for private therapy sessions, which seemed to do more harm than good as he felt he was being labelled a problem child and the therapist talked to him like he was a little boy, which he found annoying and patronising.

Since starting high school he’s developed a lovely large group of friends, boys who are very much on the same level as him and seem to think the world of him. He’s discovered that he’s very good at rugby so now plays for a local team. He’s started going to the gym with his friends. He’s not struggling in lessons, and the teachers like him. He’s even got a girlfriend. He seems really happy and confident, and it’s wonderful to see after 3 years of being deeply unhappy with no support from the school, and feeling utterly helpless.

Yet despite these positive changes in his life, he still gets very low when he’s at home. Says he’s still got depression, believes no one likes him, thinks he’s ugly, and believes I’d be happier without him as he’s such a horrible kid.
He has admitted that he’s tried to take his life 15 times now, but I really can’t see how he could have as he has no access to anything unsafe.

I’ve tried to talk to him about this, I’ve said we are going to see a GP, the high school are being really supportive and have a SEN person ready to talk to him, but he’s refusing to see anyone or speak to anyone. I’ve suggested meds to lift his low mood, he doesn’t want that either. I’ve suggested an ADHD assessment, no way.

I do nag him, I shout at him when he refuses to get up for school, I tell him off for swearing, I punish him for bad behaviour. But I also tell him I love him every day, I bend over backwards for him, I cook his favourite meals, I take him wherever he needs to go, I give him as much freedom as I can, I’m always encouraging conversations, we laugh together, we snuggle up & watch movies together, we have a good relationship and he does tell me a lot.

Sorry for such a long post but I feel that just saying “my kid says he’s tried to kill himself 15 times” with no back story or context, you’d all just tell me to go to the GP. But it’s not that simple, is it…

Any thoughts on what’s going on in his little mind? Anyone had similar behaviours from their kids? I just don’t know what to make of it all, and I’m scared.

What internet access does he have?

I think youd be best of reaching out to a support organisation like childline or in my area cahms has a crisis line you can call for advice and they can help you create a safety plan for instance.

I saw a video on tiktok and it was a special apple ornament. The kids would bring it to the mummy if they had something they were afraid to tell her. They would say mummy I’m scared don’t be cross. The fact they brought the apple was a reminder to her that they are scared and they also want to tell the truth. And they need mum. Maybe a similar idea would help your little lad. I’m going to implement it with my boy for his anxiety. He’s probably also masking A lot at school so everything comes out at home. Good luck ❤️

It doesn't matter if he's being manipulative or not. All suicide threats need to be taken seriously. Your son sounds like he could be at high risk. I would call a crisis team or your GP or take him to the emergency department next time he says that. If he does try and it works, there's no coming back from it. You can't take this seriously enough. If he's being manipulative, he'll soon learn that doesn't work the way he thinks it does, but you have to assume he's not.

Signed, someone who has been to three funerals of young people who did take their life.

I disagree. This isn’t a suicide threat. If it was, he would’ve succeeded one of the 15 times.

He’s 11! How is going to the gym on his own with his friends- no gyms round us will
have kids under the age of 13? Why does he have a ‘girlfriend’.
There appears have been a lot going on and he’s been involved in an awful lot for just being 11. What evidence is there that these suicide attempts actually happened?
He does sound like a very complex character. Is he still very unkind to friends sometimes?

I’m also astonished at the freedom he has at 11 (really? Is that a typo for 17?) He needs boundaries to make him feel secure still. You seem to be treating him like an adult, when he’s nowhere near old or mature enough to handle it, or the life you’re allowing him.

You don’t help a child like this by stepping back and being hands off. You need to pull him in tighter and more closely, even if it’s difficult.

That's a myth. In fact, previous attempts make future attempts more likely.

But there were no previous attempts. Otherwise OP would know about them.

Could he have autism spectrum disorder? The unkindness to friends could be thoughtless, insensitive bluntness. His high
anxiety could be a symptom.

Our council gym lets kids join from 11. They can only go on the cardio equipment. It’s next to the school so plenty of year 7s go there together after school without parents

Is his ‘girlfriend’ also 11? Do her parents know about his multiple suicide attempts ?

In what ways has he tried to harm himself op?

That's also not true. It's not always visible and we don't know what any attempts, if they happened, might have consisted of. He's only 11.

I've seen real life deaths by suicide, I've personally dealt with people threatening suicide, all which prompted me to do post graduate study in this area. I will always advise to take it at face value and seriously. You lose nothing if they are just trying to be manipulative (in which case they are communicating serious distress anyway) but you have everything to lose by not taking it 100% seriously.

Does he have a phone, with internet access? Does he have siblings he compares himself to? Is dad in the picture and a positive role model?

15 seems oddly specific, OP. Did he say when/where/how about any of them? I can see why you are worried.

Why have you not taken him to the gp already?

and i agree with pp about phone use. Remove from his room overnight.

I hope you never end up responsible for a child with mental health problems. What a dangerous misconception you have. Most people who die by suicide have made many attempts before being successful. Given this child is only 11 years old (have you missed that bit because it's almost unbelievable you would talk that way about a child) he may not fully understand what would and would not end his life but he will as he gets older.

OP, you need to take what he is saying very seriously. Get professional help, not advice from clueless people who continue to trot out disproven myths about suicide and mental health.

He has admitted that he’s tried to take his life 15 times now, but I really can’t see how he could have as he has no access to anything unsafe.

Does he cross a road? Go by a train station? Any rivers or ponds or lakes nearby? Bridges over motorways? Moderately tall buildings?

Does he own a scarf or belt?

How can he not have access to anything unsafe? Just walking to school would present opportunities.

He needs urgent mental health help and to get him the right help, he should br assessed for neurodivergency. The prior therapy likely did not work because it was designed for a neurotypical boy.

I think you should look to parent him as if he had both ASD and ADHD and stop the shouting.

Exactly. The give away is the 15 times claim.

shes raising a mini misogynist right now..needs a male to talk to him about respecting women, she needs to check his Internet history for Andrew tate/manosphere content

This is not a 'mental health' issue as some will likely suggest its an issue of him not taking authority seriously and being a blatant bully

I think he could be neurodiverse and masking heavily during school and socialising. It means he's emotionally worn out when he's finally on his own.

ADD (ADHD without the hyperactivity) would fit the impulsively, blunt speaking/rudeness and the low mood when alone with rejection sensitivity disorder making him incorrectly think no one actually likes him.

I think going to the GP and explaining the situation and what he's said would be the first step. I'd ask for a referral to CAMHs and youth counselling services. Obviously it depends on what your local area offers.

A neurodiverse child stating they feel suicidal shouldn't be just be dismissed. There's some very bad advice on this post and very poor understanding of mental health difficulties.

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Agree, some very bad advice on this thread. ND or not, it should be taken seriously, however ND people are at a much higher risk of suicide. Somehow there seem to be more reports lately of younger kids taking their lives. Keep him off the internet, OP. There's too much information out that that he doesn't need access to.

Oh it's back.