We lost my sons twin during pregnancy, when do we tell him?

[timfatu7]

title speaks for itself. at what point in his life do we tell him, if ever? i feel like he has the right to know he was a twin, but i also don’t want him to feel the grief the way his dad & i feel it, or feel like hes not enough for us. he’s almost a year old so we have tons of time to figure this out, but what would you do? we talked about waiting until he’s in his teens so he can understand it better but i dont want him to be upset that we’ve kept something from him later down the line. how do we navigate this? how would you navigate this?

Sorry for your loss. I just made it partof life. He knows he had a twin he knows he was born too soon and there was no way to save him. He knows we have a memorial tree we visit a couple of times a year to see it growing.

As he ages he understands it differently. In mid primary he has started to say its not fair he doesn't have a brother. I say I'm sad too but glad he is here.
Its led to lots of interesting conversations about death and grief and love what happens when you die. And made us have open conversations about them. It's a different sort of feeling for a child to not have a twin it never knew but I think is good grounding for dealing with sadness of what happens to grandparents etc and hiw we remember the people who are special to us.

Sorry for your loss.
Agree like all the advice about adopted and donor conceived children just talk about it early before he’s old enough to ask so there is never a big reveal/traumatic finding out it’s just always been there

I agree with this. Be matter of fact about it.

I think this is such a personal choice. I know 2 people who have been in this situation one never mentioned it to her child but the baby died earlier in pregnancy. The other was a stillbirth and she very much remembers the twin on special occasions such as their birthday on social media etc. Personally I would want to tread carefully for the surviving child to see their birthday as a happy occasion that they deserve, but I would start showing them pregnancy photos etc once they are old enough to hold conversations so it isn’t a shock later in life. Also the twin is part of your child too and in some way they may realise that as they get older. I’m sorry for your loss op.

I lost my first child when she was three weeks old. I had my second a year later, and I talked to him about her almost from the moment of his birth, if not before. She has always been a part of our family story. As he got older, he would sometimes ask me questions such as "why did she die?" which I would answer simply and matter-of-factly. So I would say, the sooner, the better. Presumably his twin had a name. I would use that.

I think I'd go with not saying anything.

My friend lost one of her twins at birth, had pictures of them together so her ds grew up knowing. Ds does have special needs but a significant part of his mental health issues seems to be around his missing twin and how life would have been better with a twin.

I do not see the upside for him. Is it more about you wanting to be able to discuss it? I can see why you wouldn't want a secret though.

I was meant to be a twin. My twin died very early in the pregnancy. My mum told me when i was a teenager. I Always felt like something was missing. When mum told me it all made sense. I wasnt traumatised though by not knowing. I just would have liked to have known earlier.

I am sorry for your loss OP.

With respect to telling your DC, I was adopted as a baby. My parents started that conversation very early on, so early that I can't remember the initial conversation so I always felt I knew I was adopted. So I would do similar, as your DC gets older the facts/conversation may become more detailed etc

We lost a twin in early pregnancy. I have not told my DC and won’t, I wouldn’t want them to feel the sense of loss.

Thoughtful points. And some of us have failed, not talking about it, for what we thought were the right reasons. I suppose you could say that only a couple of decades ago, no one would have discussed it. Miscarriage was a shameful secret.
But without going into detail, someone who had a stillbirth did tell their kids young, and her daughter, obviously not understanding, blamed the mum for losing her brother. It affected their relationship badly. You have to think about how this might make you feel.

So sorry for your loss 😢😢
I have two friends who everyone thinks are twins. But they never
refer to their sibling as ‘my twin’, but ‘my brother.
One of them told me that is because they were triplets but one died at birth.
Their parents were open from the very start so they’ve never had the ‘big reveal’ and knew always that the third brother is in heaven (they are Christians, but I think the analogy would still work even culturally if you are not religious)

Agree with this too & its awful. I agreed with this post in respect of early miscarriage before 8 weeks. I've never discussed this with my children as I don't see the need.

I would mention it now. Don't make a big thing of it. Keep it factual but it's the sort of thing he should always know as it is part of his story.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I was also supposed to be a twin but my twin was reabsorbed early on in pregnancy. I’m not sure when my parents told me, but for as long as I can remember I’ve always known and it’s not something that has upset but I do wonder about them occasionally and think of them fondly. I’m in my 30s now and an only child.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

For me, it would depend on stage of the loss. However, how we grieve, and what we feel, is a very personal thing.

If you choose to tell your child, I think it should just be very matter of factly. Any further mentions, could be phrased in the way you would talk about a beloved relative, who is no longer here.

I have some experience of this, from the living child's viewpoint. A good friend of mine, her mother lost her twin in pregnancy (I think it was at 5 months). Unfortunately, this very much marred my friend's childhood. I don't think her mother ever got over the loss (and I suspect there was untreated postpartum depression going on). Her parents constantly talked about 'twin', to the point she felt as if she could never live up to this imaginary 'perfect sibling'. They had planted a tree to honour the twin, and my friend remembers regular trips, on all special dates (...including her birthday) to visit the tree.

I agree with the many other posters that say to start mentioning now-very matter of factly.
So it is something he has always known and grown up with.
No worrying about a secret being told, no stigma, no dramatic reveal.

Not quite the same but same principal-in that they just always knew-I was married before DH now and my first DH died of leukaemia when we were 29.
My children all know about him and it is very open and healthy.
I had gotten a bit tied up with it-what if they saw a photo etc and then realised that open and honest is very healthy and any questions are welcome and supported.

It feels like that to me for you @timfatu7 ❤

I had a twin who died at only a few months old. My parents only officially talked to me about it when I was in my 40s.

I knew already. There had been clues and weird things that had made me look for more info, but I always felt that it was taboo, because it was NEVER mentioned by my parents.

Not knowing the truth at first, and then knowing what was being withheld from me, has been hard to take and has had a significant impact on my confidence, self esteem and the relationship I had with my parents.

I agree with others that making it part of family conversation and doing it from early on would work best. That’s what I wish I’d had.