We lost my sons twin during pregnancy, when do we tell him?

[timfatu7]

title speaks for itself. at what point in his life do we tell him, if ever? i feel like he has the right to know he was a twin, but i also don’t want him to feel the grief the way his dad & i feel it, or feel like hes not enough for us. he’s almost a year old so we have tons of time to figure this out, but what would you do? we talked about waiting until he’s in his teens so he can understand it better but i dont want him to be upset that we’ve kept something from him later down the line. how do we navigate this? how would you navigate this?

Either don't ever tell them (like others on here, my eldest will never know there was a twin) or start telling them now.

It has to be one or the other.

I know a few people on this situation and this is the route they have all taken.

CherryKerry I was in the same position as your Mum .My Mum had a stillborn boy who would have been 4 years older .As an only child I created a fantasy where we would have grown up together ,and been close as adults as well.

I think as others have said it depends on how far along the pregnancy was.

we have a rainbow baby. We have lots of bits around the house with her brothers name on, and relatives mention his name, she sees his name on decorations and cards. She kept asking who that was. Until she was 4 we would take her to the cemetery with us but stopped when she started to learn to read. She was six and a half, around the anniversary of our loss when we told her.

I wished we did it earlier, as in when she was 1 and so would grow up normalising it and before she can really understand, or when she was much older. The reason why we told her is because it is coming up to the 10th anniversary of the stillbirth next year and we do not want to hide our son, it would be impossible to hide and she has already been asking who he was.

My husband thinks we made the right decision, and my daughter has told us she is glad she got to know about her brother, but it is just so much for a little person, and for us supporting her with it. I am in two minds whether it was the right decision. I do not think we have ruined her life as other posters have said, but then she was not a twin.

She has told me she misses him but misses our cats more! We had a cat who died who our daughter knew her whole life and she understands grief, loss and death as much as a child can.

What she finds hard is that she has no memories of him. She is not distressed at knowing he existed. Before, when she was feeling sad (and did not know why) she would tell us she missed Nana (who is very much alive), and then she missed another living person, then it moved onto the dead cat and now it is her brother. I have no doubt she does miss him, I know she does, but his name is also attached when she cannot articulate why she feels sad or out of sorts, which we all get

there was also the emotional side of telling her, and supporting her with her feelings, but also we have to share our grieving with her and it takes it out of us e.g. we bought some flying wish paper and wrote messages to her brother (as well as our old cats and other relatives) and hers did not float as much so we had to deal with a tantrum because she is a child and wanted hers to float, and having to patiently deal with that when grieving ourselves. Because she is a child and wants to be involved and we want to involve her.

so I would say either raise it now before he can understand or wait until post 10, and work out how to manage your grief while hiding it if you do that.

have you spoken to Twins Trust? They do a lot of support work with parents who have lost a twin, might be worth having a chat with them as they will be someone who gets it, and there will be forums of people who have been in your situation.

sending you lots of love, unless you have been in the situation it is so hard to know. It seems the other people who have posted who lost a sibling seem glad that they knew.

My mum told me about a dead sibling when I was about five when she was very upset on some kind of anniversary. We went to the cemetery and she left me in the car for ages and then never spoke to me about her directly again. I just knew she was upset about it and every time I did anything that wasn't perfect wondered if she'd have preferred my sister who she was still clearly grieving for. Don't do it that way.

Just editing because I realise how self obsessed my comment was. I absolutely always felt for my mum and very much do for you too. It's the horriblest thing you csn imagine for a mother and it's the knowing that the person you care about is has experienced it that creates the discombobulation. Nevertheless, no good will come of keeping it away from him.

I don’t think I would ever tell him.

I have experience of this, my sister died when we were just a few weeks old, obviously I don't remember this. It was never a secret, but never overly dwelt on either, I was able to ask as many questions as I wanted - I think my parents handled it really well, but honestly from the time of being a teenager my main concern was for the trauma that my poor mum went through and also my dad. I can't say that it hasn't been on and off my mind over the years, particularly when I had my own children but my mum is an extremely resilient and positive person which I'm sure helped move life forward. Having also lost a child later in pregnancy I can say that it is such an abstract concept for my children, the oldest of whom is in 6th Form, that its almost a non-event. I don't mean this to sound callous, because it is such a huge thing for you to go through, but I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't really impact him in the way you might expect.

I decided in my case, I would never tell my son that he'd had a twin early in pregnancy. His dad is a twin, and he has twin cousins. I think he would have a very good grasp of what he'd missed out on, and he's got two sisters but no brothers, so he'd also be grieving the loss of his only brother. My DS is 18 now and I'm happy this is the right decision for us. I can't see what he would ever gain from knowing about the lost twin.

I also haven't told my DC about other pregnancy losses yet, although I think I might when they get older/consider starting a family themselves.

It's very personal, so I don't think anyone else can say what's right for your family.

I think he has to know, and has to never not have known.

This is exactly how I feel.

I found out about age 12 from somebody else that my parents had a girl who died before I was born. I found it really traumatic.

I think it just should become part of the normal family history, without any secrecy.

I'm a twin in this situation. My sibling was miscarried so we were dizygotic twins.

I can't remember when I first knew so I must have been young - I have a vague memory of it just cropping up in conversation somehow. PPs are correct to say small children are very matter of fact. Hearing about a sibling I never met was a bit like hearing about my maternal DGF who I also never met although obviously i have no name/photographs of my missing twin.

I have often wondered about my missing twin brother - what they would be like if they had lived, if he would have been like my living brothers. However I've never felt "grief" in the way a parent would or a child might when losing a living twin with a name and a relationship - more a wondering.

I disagree with PPs saying there is no need to tell them. Your children need to know for when they have their own children - "any twins in the families?" is a stock question when booking in a pregnancy. My DC with DC had both the fact of twin pregnancies and the partial loss recorded in their /their spouse's maternity records.

My granddaughter is 8 and a twin, her sister was stillborn We've always talked to her about her twin, she used to say Jess sent me a rainbow whenever we saw one, when we see a butterfly we always say hi Jess.

Sorry for loss OP.

I had this (as the surviving child), and I can't speak to what is the right way. My mom told me when I was young (I'm not sure when, maybe around 4?) and never mentioned it again. I was very upset and felt something was missing from my life... although obviously I can't say whether I had this feeling beforehand. I think if you want to tell your child, do so if you intend to speak openly - don't tell them and then never mention it again?

Twins in the family is irrelevant to OP's child because he's a boy. Twins can only run in the female line.

OP, I'm sorry for your loss. I don't think you need to tell him unless you want to, unless there's a grave because it was a late loss.

I think a lot of pregnancies start off as twins don’t they? It’s only relatively recently with modern medicine and early scans that we are aware or not.
So, I’d agree with PP - if it was far enough along in your pregnancy that family/friends knew about the loss and might reveal the ‘secret’ later, then I’d just make it something you talk about from a young age. If no one knows then I can’t see any gain from telling really.

Completely agree with this advice. I had a twin who didn’t make it and this was how my parents told me.

Our friends sadly went through something similar, they had a memory type box always around the house with scan photos etc so since she was very young she always knew (may not understood fully - but it’s able to ask questions)

As she is now older she now has a special necklace with a little heart and that’s what she says is her sister/brother always with her.

I had a friend with a much older brother. I knew from maybe 6 years old about her "brother's twin who died". The family had just mentioned him in conversation, I suppose. I'm sure the parents grieved, but for the kids it was just a sad fact.
The surviving brother gave his son the same name that was given to his lost twin.

Not the advice I was given when pregnant, or my DC were given. We had twins on both sides and were told both sides' histories were relevant.

Depends on how far along you were and if early, or indeed any time , what would be the point.

When it feels right when he is a youngish child. My mum lost my sister's twin and I think we have known about her since she (surviving twin) was about 4. I don't know if she picked something up as she had an imaginary twin sister about this age. Sometime around then she got named and we speak about her.
I didn't feel quite right in the world saying I am 1 of 3, 1 of 4 feels more complete.

Just mention it briefly when 4 or 5yrs old so he grows up with the info, 'you had a twin who sadly died before birth' if a late loss.
Kids just accept whatever we tell them tbh and he'll ask questions when older if wants to know more.

This.

Or never.

A dramatic reveal when he's older is the worst case scenario.

I have a brother who was an identical twin. His brother died at 4 months. My brother says he always felt that a part of himself was missing.

I would simply speak openly about the twin you've lost (so sorry about that) so that he grows up knowing and accepting it.

Sorry for your loss 💐

I was on the exactly the same situation following IVF. We did as many have suggested and mentioned it casually in passing from very early on. My son has never been upset or bothered