We lost my sons twin during pregnancy, when do we tell him?

[timfatu7]

title speaks for itself. at what point in his life do we tell him, if ever? i feel like he has the right to know he was a twin, but i also don’t want him to feel the grief the way his dad & i feel it, or feel like hes not enough for us. he’s almost a year old so we have tons of time to figure this out, but what would you do? we talked about waiting until he’s in his teens so he can understand it better but i dont want him to be upset that we’ve kept something from him later down the line. how do we navigate this? how would you navigate this?

I agree with this. Life throws enough grief, hurt etc at us without telling a child something that is of no benefit. Does anyone else know and are they likely to tell him?

I think anything like this should just always be spoken about so it’s never a reveal, a secret or a shock. As they get older they will ask any questions they want to further the info u give.

A couple of my friends have been through this, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Maybe if they ask direct questions about pregnancy, when they were "in your tummy" etc.

I had a twin pregnancy with my first, i miscarried 1, I have never told Dc they are 34 now, i do think it might depend how early you miscarried, I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost a twin at 14 weeks. It was expected that I'd lose the other baby but overjoyed to have a healthy successful pregnancy. I've mentioned it to DDs when talking about pregnancies in conversation (they were probably teens/twenties)but not made a thing of it. I had three miscarriages altogether and don't think of any of these pregnancies as "lost siblings". I would have felt differently about a later loss.

When he is 3 or 4 you may have another pregnancy or his friends will start having baby brothers or sisters. You’ll naturally end up explaining that “babies grow in the womb, sometimes even 2 grow at once! And sometimes they start to develop but for various reasons don’t always make it. Actually, there was a twin in the womb at the same time as you. He died in there, but fortunately for us we were still blessed with you” etc etc etc.

So I think you don’t need to plan too much for this - it will naturally happen. Personally, I think you should keep the emotion out of any conversations until he is an adult, as I don’t think a child is going to be able to understand at all the grief you went through until he is much much older.

I’m so sorry for your loss and i do hope you have plenty of support.

My brother had the same issue with his last child, one of the twins died at 3 months during pregnancy, heartbreaking situation for everyone. Daughter was born very healthy, beautiful girl, she's 5 and we love her to bits. No one has told her about the twin, she's too young to comprehend and we believe it would put weird ideas inside her head. She gains nothing from knowing and we gain nothing as a family by telling her. Let her play with her dolls and play doh without distractions.

I would never tell him. What would it achieve? The outcome can only be negative for him, it might even ruin his life. It won't make him happy, and might make him exceptionally sad. Leave well alone.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I agree with those who have said it's better that he always knows (don't worry that he'd be sad about it as a young child, as he won't really understand it like older people do). I feel that is far better for him to always be aware of it, rather than him being surprised by being told when he's older.

Much as your grief will always be with you, I would probably not talk about it very very often to him, as you don't want him to carry that loss too heavily. At the same time, it's good for him to know that he always can talk to you about his twin when he wants to.

I guess it is useful for him to know that he was a twin, from a practical perspective, eg twins running in the family. Also because I don't think it's good to keep secrets like that really.

So yes, I would tell him, but in a matter of fact way.

I hope that doesn't sound like I'm being detached or cold - I'm having trouble getting my words together today. Sending love. x

Absolutely this.
I wouldn't tell him.
It might make you feel better but it would be of no benefit to him at any age.
I had the same thing happened to me at 8 weeks and while it wasn't nice at the time it's not something I've ever dwelt on. Telling a child makes it more of a thing than it is,

I wouldn’t tell him at all. There is no benefit to him knowing this but it could cause him harm. He could end up feeling less of a person, worrying that it was somehow his fault or that you wish his twin was here more than him. Kids can internalise things and interpret them in ways we wouldn’t necessarily expect. How will he feel on his birthdays in future knowing that he might have had a twin there celebrating with him?

It feels like telling him would help you to manage your grief better but it shouldn’t be the responsibility of your living child to do that.

Our eldest child Poppy died at 23 days old. We told our two younger children when they were toddlers (as well as the fact that they came from egg donors). They accepted all this information without any issues. Occasionally my 8 year old will ask about Poppy, we say her name and they love having cake and blowing out the candles on Poppy's birthday. I know it's not the same as losing a twin, but telling him doesn't have to be a big deal x

I think worrying that it was his fault or responsibility is a very big risk. This isn’t something I would tell one of mine. It’s a personal decision but I just don’t really see for what reason you would tell them?

I’m one of quads - three of us survived. We always knew we had a brother who didn’t so for us he’s always been part of our lives.

I was a twin, but exactly the same situation. My parents were always open about it and weirdly my mother was always very zen about it. She just always said that it felt as if I was the one who was meant to be. I genuinely don't know if that was how she felt, but it was always something that was interesting but not sad, if that makes sense. It was never much of an issue. I do have another sibling, so it wasn't as if the twin was the only possibility of a sibling and I think I would have focused more on the loss if I hadn't had a sibling?

My friend lost a twin and it was always something her dc knew about in a very factual way. I don’t know how she told her though.
I don’t think the pregnancy was very far along.

I think being a twin means that there will have been a brother with ds and that loss for him will be felt to a more or lesser extent depending on how far along the pregnancy was when the loss occurred

Whilst he might not be conscious of the loss it might help him put a finger on certain feelings.

I do think you discuss with him in an age appropriate way what happened to his brother. Starting very young makes it more of a matter of fact than the huge deal to sit a teenager down to tell him his twin brother died.

Oh gosh. So sorry for you.

The advice on things like this (adoption, donor conception, anything that might become a big deal if "revealed" at a later date) is to tell as soon as possible and as frequently as you can so it is never a revelation and always just a part of their story.

I lost multiple pregnancies before my baby (and some other stuff that I never wanted him to just "discover" one day). I started telling him about that while he was a newborn, and carried on just mentioning it every now and then so it wasn't a big deal to either of us.

"I wanted to have you so very very much. And some other babies tried to grow in my tummy but they died. And so when you finally came you were so precious. And sometimes I get sad when I think about them, but I'm so glad that you grew."

I have a bit of a different situation, I had twins who both passed at 24weeks and have gone on to have another baby.
we had this conversation about do we tell the new baby etc, we even now with her being so young talk about her older siblings to her, she will be very aware they existed and passed away.
I don’t want to forget or pretend I didn’t have any other babies because I did and I think she needs to know about them!
but I am also the mum who tells strangers in street I have 3 children and 2 died so I think I’m probably just a bit too open.

Why on earth would you set your kid up on some Sherlock Holmes trail? Come on now. Use your words.

I am usually open about things with my children (my cancer, my mother's death, my brother's refusal to take his schizophrenia meds, difficult relations in the wider family, my periods...). But I have never mentioned to them that my first pregnancy began with losing my son's twin very early on, just as I realised I was pregnant. The embryo was tiny. I don't think about it very much as I was just so glad to have a healthy baby still growing. This is making me think, a bit, as I do normally subscribe to the view of letting origins be a background fact rather than a secret. I am a little scared my son would take it to heart as he is sensitive and I think I would have been upset by this myself as a child. But not 100% sure it needs to be shared.

I think a lot depends on what it meant to you. The stage of the loss would be relevant.

I think it really rests on how you are carrying the grief. If you can accept it being brought up randomly and silly comments then I’d tell as early as possible. If it still winds you a little wait till nursery/primary school. It’s a difficult thing to navigate.

I think it's very different if you have had a stillborn baby or a baby who died in infancy compared with a miscarriage.
A sibling who died is a part of the family whereas miscarriages are sad for the parents but that's it and I don't think it's healthy to put that on your children.

I agree with this and I've been through this myself. Teens is too late.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a twin that was lost during pregnancy and I grew up knowing (though this was a loss in the first trimester and I'm not sure if that might change things).

Joy and sadness can coexist and I expect your child will understand that, rather than assuming your loss makes them any less important/loved/special. The story was framed to me as one where there was the same hope and joy about my arrival as there is for all new babies and as though my parent had been glad to have still had that hope and joy despite their loss.

I also had a friend in school who had also been a twin. She wasn't told and unfortunately found out from her friends (whose parents had known about the loss). This brought feelings of shame and she also didn't feel able to talk to her parents about it where it had been kept a secret.

Not sure any of this is helpful, but please feel free to pm if you have any questions.