We lost my sons twin during pregnancy, when do we tell him?

[timfatu7]

title speaks for itself. at what point in his life do we tell him, if ever? i feel like he has the right to know he was a twin, but i also don’t want him to feel the grief the way his dad & i feel it, or feel like hes not enough for us. he’s almost a year old so we have tons of time to figure this out, but what would you do? we talked about waiting until he’s in his teens so he can understand it better but i dont want him to be upset that we’ve kept something from him later down the line. how do we navigate this? how would you navigate this?

I'm so sorry for your loss.

A friend told their child from very early on so that their lost sibling was always someone they talked about. It was discussed very naturally and seemed the best way.

If it was a case of going for the first scan & being told there were two sacs & one embryo hadn't progressed I wouldnt mention it at all. There is absolutely no way I would escalate it to the point of upsetting him about something he couldn't possibly understand as a child. As pp have said it would depend on the circumstances as to if & when I would tell him.

Do you talk about his twin yourselves? I would talk normally about his twin so he’s always aware of it.

Agree with this, I think whenever the situation arises you talk about it, not in a big "we're telling him" way just in a sort of it's the reality and he's always known about it way

DD is a twinless twin and I told her about it when she was about 7. It came up because I as pg with her younger brother and she was asking questions about pregnancy. She understood and we still talk about her sometimes.

As it was, the loss was late enough to know the sex but not late enough for her to be registered. So when DD asked what her sisters name was I had to explain that she had never had one, so she asked if she could name her. So she did, which actually helped me a lot.

I don't think I'd really tell him, or it's something I'd tell him when explaining about pregnancy and pregnancy loss. It's not really relevant to his life. You lost a baby and I'm sorry for your loss, but that baby was lost before he was even born. He didn't lose a twin, you lost a baby.

My mum had a miscarriage a few years before I was born. She had my older brother five years before me and it was a few years before him. She had to give birth so was quite far gone. She told me from quite a young age and always answered all my questions about it. I would say be open and honest with him. Don’t hide anything

The exact same here. She's late teens and will never know.

I agree.

An excellent strategy & confirmed my thoughts. If it was late enough to identify the sex I would have a discussion around age 7. If before then I wouldn't mention it at all.

I agree with others that it should be as soon as he understands pregnancy or never. I would personally go for never, I wouldn’t want my child to feel like they were part of an incomplete whole or have the chance to feel that the joy of their birth was overshadowed (even though that happening is completely valid)

I have a younger child that has always known about my son

It isn't sad for them because it has always been, no shock at finding out, just part of their history.

I am sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss. Please just tell him now, in a matter of fact but loving way one bedtime. You know when you were in mummy’s tummy you had a baby sibling and now they are in heaven / in the sky / gone but still in our hearts - insert your belief system. Please please don’t wait till teens. It’s the sort of thing that could cause existential crisis. Mentioned from a young age (appropriately) it becomes normalised. There will be loads of toddler books that have relevant stories. Just be relaxed and peaceful about it in front of your son. Don’t give him any reason to feel fear or shame about it.

I think this approach sounds very wise

I totally understand this too & agree with both scenarios. Ultimately I think you'd do what you felt right for both the parents and the child.

My son was a twin, hes now 10 and has heard it mentioned because his sister is a lot older so naturally knew about it and asks questions or talks about what it would have been like to have two siblings
My son to date hasn't asked any questions himself and doesnt seem upset about it which I think is due to it not being a secret and talked about in the house

I have never told my son and never will.

I told mine when he was 18. My then husband wouldn't allow me to tell him sooner and he doesn't know I've told him even now, three years later. I've divorced him btw. I discussed it my older children's friend, also a twin and my older kids found out by accident years before. I told my son. He was wonderful. Never minded I'd not said sooner, understood why, hadn't felt anything was missing. Was just relieved he wasn't adopted.

On reflection the only reason I would be inclined to mention this at an age appropriate time is to highlight the fact twin pregnancy can run in families. I wouldn't mention it all if it was discovered and ended while still an embryo around 6 weeks

Take your son out of the equation for a minute. How do you and your partner think and feel about the twin you lost? Is it something that you are at peace with, as one of those things that happen during pregnancy, and are comfortable with putting them to rest, never talking about them beyond very private chats just between you two?

If you don't want your lost twin to be a secret you can't openly feel emotions and talk about, then tell your son as soon as possible.

It is more complicated if family or friends knew it was twins because then you're not the only one carrying the secret, and it could come out by accident against your wishes, and you'll always have the unease of that scenario hanging over you. If others know, i'd tell your son purely so you can protect him from a potentially devastating, (hopefully) accidental revelation later in life.

I agree with this.

Another very valid opinion

I wouldn't say anything, there could have been twins but there weren't in the end. Like any other miscarriage it's very sad for you and your partner, but I wouldn't be telling my children all about my miscarriages and how many siblings they might have had if things had worked out differently.

I don’t agree with this and actually think this is quite offensive. My mum had to give birth to her miscarriage so it was very traumatic for her. She told me about it from quite an early age. I was probably asking questions and I do feel
like he or she was a sibling I never knew.

My brother and SIL knew throughout the pregnancy that one of their twins wouldn’t survive after birth. They never hid the twin birth from the surviving daughter.