We lost my sons twin during pregnancy, when do we tell him?

[timfatu7]

title speaks for itself. at what point in his life do we tell him, if ever? i feel like he has the right to know he was a twin, but i also don’t want him to feel the grief the way his dad & i feel it, or feel like hes not enough for us. he’s almost a year old so we have tons of time to figure this out, but what would you do? we talked about waiting until he’s in his teens so he can understand it better but i dont want him to be upset that we’ve kept something from him later down the line. how do we navigate this? how would you navigate this?

I’m sorry for your loss. I think my answer would depend on how far along you were in pregnancy.

I am very sorry for your loss.

I don't know what the accepted way to deal with this is and I don't have any experience, so this is just my uneducated view. However, I would start talking about his twin brother now so he has never not known, IYSWIM? I personally would try to avoid a 'big reveal' especially having waited a long time.

It's a big deal for you, and rightly so, but it won't necessarily be a big deal for him. I would explain when he starts to know babies grow in their mummy's tummies and keep it really simple. Chances are you'll also be explaining death in simple terms around the same time anyway. I'd go for something like "when you were growing in my tummy there was another baby too, but that baby died before you came out of my tummy". Just factual. He can then add extra questions when he's older. I think a big reveal when he's a teenager is too much.

Personally, I would tell him very very early - when he's too young to really understand the significance of what you're saying. In fact, I'd start saying it now and refer to it every now and then. That way, it just becomes something that's part of his life and he's always known rather than having to have a big upsetting reveal.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I agree with this. I would either tell him very young so he has always known or never. The latter risks someone else telling him.

I am very sorry for your loss. I think it would be best for this to be something he grows up having always known. You can address it in different ways in keeping with his own situation and life stage, but I think a full revelation further down the line would be worse for him.

Yes, I have a good friend who had a twin that was still born and she always knew about her so it was never a big shocking revelation

Yes, I agree with this. In the same way that you might mention a grandparents he'd never known.

I agree with Gingerbreadseasoniscoming, just refer to it when there is a conversation about pregnancy / babies. I am so sorry for your loss.

How far along were you OP? If it wasn’t a very early loss then I’d probably just allow it to be normal information from the start. My youngest has always known that we lost her older sibling (stillborn), she doesn’t feel sadness about it as that’s not how we present it but she’s always known she would have had a sister as well as her brother.

Her older brother does remember our loss so it wasn’t a choice we had to make to tell her as her older brother was already aware, so it’s a bit different to your situation. But I think if you wait him to no then it may be easier if it’s just always an available fact

Yeah, I talk to my kids about my Dad even though one of them has never met him and the other was only 1yo when he died.

OP I think you will find small kids are very matter of fact about emotive topics so it's actually quite easy to talk to them about death and people who have died.

I'm sorry for your loss

I would approach it similar to what is advised now for adopted children or if an older sibling died, and tell them early on. A big reveal as a teen or even as an older child would be awful! Much better to be something known about from a young age, even if he doesn't really understand it now.

You might find advice on the miscarriage association website or arc.

https://www.miscarriageuk.org/
https://www.arc-uk.org/

I don’t think I would tell him tbh. Unless it was a loss very late on in pregnancy eg 7/8/9 months. I’m not sure I would say anything if earlier than that.
Im sorry for your loss.

I think for me it would depend on the gestation of loss. I would probably be more matter of fact about it if it was a very early loss and treat it no differently than if I’d had a miscarriage before having a singleton. I remember mum telling me she’d had a miscarriage when I was a child. I’m not sure how old I was. Quite young. It came up when it came up. A twin born still would be very different. For me.

I haven't and ds will be 18 next birthday.
I just don't see the point in putting that on him

I'd just say something like 'when you were in my tummy we thought you might have a twin. But it turned out it was only you who came out and we were more than happy to have you!'

It's obviously not necessarily biologically correct but to a very small child it should be an adequate 'explanation'. I don't think you need to mention the twin dying?

I wouldn't why would you purposely make your child upset on purpose? It wasn't like they were born and with him. Its very different

Personally I would only tell him if I thought a relative might mention it in later life or if there is a grave/paperwork.

Otherwise, I feel it will be something that they might focus on in later life wondering about all the what-ifs.

This is based on my Mum who thought she was an only child only to find out in later life that her parents had a stillborn baby before she was born. Whenever she was finding life difficult she started focusing on how much easier life would be if she had an older sibling to lean on. She almost created a an M&S Xmas Dinner fantasy world in her mind. It would have been easier for her to have never known.

We just talked about the other twin like it was normal I can’t remember having a specific conversation with my DD about it. She saw scan photos and photos of her sister ( we lost day after birth) she’s 16 now and loves hearing about her. I suppose it also helps we have a grave to visit and have done since she was little. It will come naturally try not to worry about it

Put the scan photo in a frame and then he can figure it out for himself

I lost a twin in early pregnancy. DD is young adult now and I've never told her.

I lost a twin very early in the pregnancy with DS, we won’t tell him. No good can come from it.

I totally agree with this, he is apart of his brothers life and needs to know about him. I’m so sorry for your loss

I wouldn’t keep it a secret at all. Young children are accepting. He won’t feel the grief of loss like you. He probably won’t feel a sense of loss at all. Having the love and support of you and your DH is what will matter most to him.

i grew up with a friend whose twin died in the womb and she was very open and matter-of-fact about it. It was obvious that her parents had explained it to her at a young age, rather than delivering it as a big piece of news later in life. It was always an important aspect of her identity, but not a source of grief. As much as I could tell anyway.

I would also say that, having grown up in a family where painful or awkward matters were often swept under the rug to avoid “upsetting the children”, secrecy is usually not the best approach. Openness and acceptance is much healthier.

im very sorry for your loss x

I agree that I would do it so he has always known and be talking about from an early age.

I am sorry for your loss 💐