Worried about school looming, 3 year old behind

[boringperson123]

Hi everyone,

My daughter is a June baby and I’m getting increasingly worried about her going to school next year. She is a very high energy child and has always been challenging even since she was a baby (but she also has some brilliant qualities and is a lovely hilarious little girl)

My main number one concern is potty training. We have been potty training since she was just turned two. We’ve tried every method, but she is still having multiple accidents a day (6 today since getting back from pre school!!) these are only wee accidents as she hasn’t had a poo accident in a year, she took to that immediately! She doesn’t seem to have any embarrassment over it although recently she has started lying and saying she just got wet while playing etc. We took a break earlier this year for a couple of months as everyone advised me to, and when we tried again she had no accidents for a full week, then just went back to the way she was before when she got bored of the sticker chart etc. Which leads me to believe it’s probably not a medical issue although I’m not ruling it out especially given how frequent the accidents can be sometimes.

She also isn’t brilliant at listening, often zones out and ignores people, runs off mid sentence, starts singing or doing her own thing. Maybe this is normal, I have no idea.

Her speech is pretty good and she talks a lot, but she doesn’t understand certain questions sometimes and just repeats what you say, a common one is ‘why did you do that’ she will just repeat the phrase.

She can count to 10 (and makes up nonsense ‘teen’ numbers after 10), knows all her shapes, colours and can draw a face but gripping a pencil properly is hit or miss. She also can’t do her ABCs she just sings the tune but it’s mostly nonsense lol.

She’s really good at playing with other children and very kind, loves making friends and has a brilliant imagination.

In general her behaviour is 0-100, she can be very lovely and does as she told but she just gets very easily bored, will suddenly try and run off, often does naughty things on purpose and giggles and finds it funny, she does not respond at all to punishment. She says ‘I’m very sorry!’ easily but there is no part of her that means it or regrets it at all. She doesn’t seem to link the action to the consequence. For example if you have an accident we will need to leave the park to clean you up, if you throw your food it will be taken off you, etc. She just has an absolute crying meltdown then does it again! I think that’s why we struggle so much with potty training and what makes me believe she’s developmentally a bit delayed but I’m not sure and I really don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m just failing whilst also struggling sooo much 😫

Has her hearing been checked?

Has preschool raised any issues?

I’m no expert by any means but I’d say that’s within the spectrum of normal…

No poo accidents is genuinely really promising.

tantrums at 3 is developmentally normal (as I’m sure you know).

in reception they send them all to the loo about six times a day. Before break, before lunch, before afternoon break etc.

She’s very young in her school year, the difference between her and September borns will be big when she starts school. I have an almost 3 year old who will be one of the oldest in his year, he won’t start until the year after yours. He is a similar stage emotionally and academically.

Is this your first child? You sound a bit anxious. Mostly sounds normal to me. My middle child is the same age and I realise reading your post I hadn’t tracked or tried 80% of the milestones you mentioned. I think my child can count to 5. Can do shapes. Who knows about the rest!!

teach reading at school so let them start it off and then you can support what she learns at school.

She seems like a typical 3 year old to me.

youll be surprised how things can change once they start school.

i would tackle the potty training as priority.

learning wise; sounds like she’s doing well keep doing what your doing then match/support what she’s learning once at school.

Sounds very normal to me apart from the potty training, which doesn’t sound completely abnormal and you still have loads of time to work on it. My eldest has been potty trained for two years when he started school and still started having accidents when he started, I was mortified but he soon grew out of it. My three year old is nowhere near drawing a face let alone gripping a pen properly. They all find their own way there. If you have specific concerns it’s worth raising with nursery / preschool..

I'd defer for a year.

Thanks everyone, yes she is my first, can you tell?! 😂 I don’t know any other children her age really (my friends have younger children) so I really don’t know what’s normal. Plus my mum, although she hasn’t outright said it, makes a lot of comments that lead me to believe she’s a bit slow developmentally. However I don’t fully trust my mums memory of what we were doing at each age etc

RE the potty training we will keep plodding on with it but since it’s already been a year with pretty much no improvement I just can’t see how it will improve by September 😫

She sounds fine. Keep going on the potty training.

Is she just having accidents at home or pre school also.?

My three year old was born in March. She is just finally getting somewhere with potty, so I would say sounds quite normal. Its so hard isn't it

@Sunshineclouds11 both 😫

@Glendaruel isn’t it just! The most mentally draining thing ever. I was naive enough to think she could be potty trained in a few days 😂

I agree, most of this sounds normal to me.

When she has an accident is there a pattern/trigger to what she is doing at the time (transition, busy/focussed, anxious)?

What do preschool say?

Would also book a hearing test.

My issue with the potty training is that I just can’t understand why she does it, she does know the sensation of feeling like she needs a wee, and she will often go herself unprompted. We have a potty in the living room, but she has accidents constantly and sometimes doesn’t even seem to notice.

Cognitively with what she can do academically she sounds spot on and probably can do more than many 3yo as many aren’t ready to “learn”.

The toilet training sounds delayed as in she’s got poos and has been dry for periods - in that she is behind with understanding she needs to go to the loo because she doesn’t care she’s wet.

Advice usually make her sort herself out when wet and out her own clothes in wash etc to make it more effort to get changed than leave what she’s doing and go for a wee.

is she dry at pre school? I note you said 6 accidents when she got home but didn’t mention any when there? That’ll be another clue .

Yes she has accidents at pre school just as frequent as at home, but recently I think she’s been lying to them and saying she’s got wet whilst playing because they’ll tell me she’s just wet her pants outside, but they reek of wee so she’s clearly weed in them 🥴 so they think she hasn’t had an accident but she has.

She doesn’t usually have so many accidents in a day this was a particularly bad evening. Usually it’s 2-3 a day. Which is still quite a lot I think. Sometimes she will go a full day no accidents

Sometimes she will go through phases where she seems to be improving so nothing is said, then she’ll ramp up with the accidents and we’ll discuss why we think it is (no true ideas really) and then she’ll improve a bit, repeat. But in general there has been barely any improvement since this time last year.

I have also left out some info (I’m a bit paranoid of this reaching family/people who know her so if anyone sees this please don’t put this on Facebook!!) but she is being investigated for sleep apnea too as she also has frequent night wakings and is currently co-sleeping with us. I don’t know how this might link, but thought I’d mention it in case.

Will definitely look at getting her a hearing test to rule out any issues with hearing, thanks to those who suggested this

How bribable is she? Can you do a sticker chart building up to something that she really wants?

It sounds within the range of normal tbh, however you could still consider delaying her start to reception if you want to. Are you in England?

Have you tried buying her pants in a character she loves?

When my ds was training he would be hit and miss at first but once he had the promise of a pair of Thomas the tank engine pants everyday he was dry for a week and he “didn’t want to wee on Thomas” he seemed to make more effort 🤷‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Many people choose to send their summer born child to reception when they turn 5. Not all schools are supportive of this but it’s becoming much more common.

With my first, my cousin told me you go to playgroups and they say "it was the worse week" but she said for her "it was the worse year". I felt better at falling into the same camp. Both my daughters responded well to bribery, I mean incentives, a chocolate button for every wee/ poo in the toilet/ potty. If she has day at preschool or when we are out with no accidents its two chocolate buttons. I originally tried sticker charts but they needed an immediate reward.

I would have a long chat with her preschool - they also get to see her and would have a good understanding of how she is doing in their setting. I have previously worked in many settings, and they never make a fuss if you send them an email with your concerns and ask to talk to them about her general progress.

In my opinion, everything you have mentioned is within the ‘normal’ range for a 3 year old. Some children are able to write their names, draw amazing pictures and some children are barely able to hold their pencils or draw beyond a squiggle. Some children excel in drawing, and others have completely different interests (such as socialising, being physically active outside, or building towers).

Many people have mentioned getting a hearing test, and I agree it would be a good idea to see if this is why she struggles with following instructions. If it does come back all clear, she might just be pushing boundaries - this is definitely the age to do that. It would also be useful to see if she struggles with instructions at preschool, and if she also finds it hard to grasp consequences.

There is still plenty of time before school to keep trying with the potty training. It might be worth setting a timer for every half an hour and seeing if she keeps going frequently does the accidents stop (we had a funky sand timer for half an hour as a visual cue that was handy).

Good luck op.