Halloween exclusion

[LondonMumra]

I opened the door at Halloween to most of my DD’s Y2 class (and parents). Someone had organised a party followed by trick or treating and not invited my DD. Then they had the gall to knock on my door and ask for treats en masse. My DD was upset and confused about why she hadn’t been invited and I was livid. While she hadn’t been invited to the house party (presumably as the Mum doesn’t like me), I really think one of the parents could have asked us to join them all. When I told other friends about this I was told I was being unreasonable. I don’t think I am. Thoughts?

Uh, you can’t invite other people to a party that you are a guest at.

manners 101

Most of the class? so you're talking 20-30 children knocked?

Absolutely not. Didn’t suggest that. I meant for the free for all trick or treating on the street.

How many kids are we talking about from a class of how many?

Just over half. So most but maybe specific numbers are needed for you.

This, unless you're in a tiny rural school with 10 kids?
I haven't seen groups that big - sounds very difficult to manage tbh.

Yea I think that’s pretty crap especially if they knew it was your house. Your poor DD

Half isn’t most!

did they even know it was your house?

If I was tasked with herding 20 7yos around dark streets I would definitely not be trying to invite more. Sounds like plenty.

So around half the class weren't invited - meaning it wasn't particularly exclusionary not to have invited you or your DD.
And presumably they went to your front door because you had decorations up, indicating that you were doing trick or treat -- i.e. completely independently of any considerations around who had and hadn't been invited to the party.

I can see why you experienced it as a bit of a gut punch (I would have too), but I don't think anyone has behaved badly.

To clarify: I would never suggest that another Mum should have invited my DD to a house party she hadn’t been invited to! I said that when they turned up at my front door and saw she was home, someone could have said: why not join us trick or treating.

Where I live all the kids just go out with a parent and run into other groups to form a larger conglomerate which keeps snowballing as we as also losing kids as they peel off.

I wouldn't think anything of being out and about and seeing a big groups of DC's peers. Is there some friendship issue and that's why your DD wasn't already out?

My assumption would be that a kid who wants to go out trick-or-treating would already be out doing it.

The kids at home are the ones who like staying in and giving out the sweets or can't be arsed going out in the cold.

I wouldn't think to invite someone out who wasn't already doing it/ had made arrangements to?

Why would you assume it has anything to do with you?
Children and adults have closer friendships to some than others, I went trick or treating with our friends and a bunch of my DC’s school friends. It’s not a birthday party imo and because you hang out with some it doesn’t mean you need to invite the whole class.

Or you could have said "Hang on, me and DD are just setting out so we could tag along with you." If you didn't say that, perhaps it was because in the moment you felt a bit awkward and unsure - which is exactly how each of the other parents might have felt about making the same suggestion on behalf of all the others. Again, no wrongdoing, just an awkward situation.

You sound extremely rude here so not surprised you weren't invited

Did you try and organise trick or treating or a party with your DCs friends?

Like PP has said, i would assume a kid who wants to go trick or treating is already doing it anyway. Did your DD actually have a costume on when answering the door? Had DD actually expressed any desire to go trick or treating in the first place?

I think that is pretty shocking but it doesn’t surprise me. People are callous. It’s pretty tricky for anyone other than the host to invite you but I understand where you are coming from. I could not do it but I know people who do. Usually it says more about the adults than the children. Chalk it up to experience. I would make my own arrangements with my daughter and her friends next year. I would also be wary of the party host going forward - your poor daughter x

@LondonMumra I think a big missing bit here is, did the host/one who did the invites know if was your house??

About half the class being invited means about half the class were not. I can understand being a bit taken a back and totally get your DD being upset. But I'm not sure I'd invite someone out on the doorstep in the spur of the moment either (especially if I'm not the one who had organised it) and I'm really sensitive about kids being/feeling left out.

We went out myself, dd, one friend and one parent, by the time we’d finished we’d picked up several over parents and 10 other kids. We do every year. We also bumped into other families and school friends who all visited the same houses at the same time, it could have easily looked like we were out en-mass in a planned group, but we weren’t.

They had been to the house party before that DD wasn’t invited to. So went ToT straight from that.

No friendship issues. She has lots of friends. But her friends had been invited to a party that she hadn’t been invited to, so weren’t available for ToT. We went to another friend’s house party after so all fine, just sad for her in the moment and after when she asked why she wasn’t included.

So you wouldn’t have gone out with them anyway as you were heading to a party? I don’t understand the drama. You were invited to something they weren’t. They were doing something without you. You can’t all be included in everything!

No I don't think that would be the right thing to do if the party host doesn't like you.

I expect the kids just went straight from the party.