Am I doing something wrong? (Teenagers)

[sincerestwonders]

My 17 year old daughter keeps saying shes ugly, fat and needs to lose weight. She hasnt let me have a picture of her since age 12. She has been eating three quarters of all meals I make for her now i have noticed her eating less. I have been home educating her, the other night we had this massive row about what the right thing to do with her is. Home educated since 12 due to witnessing physical abuse in an education setting. Shes 5ft 4, 75kg and gcup. I have rowed with her quite a bit about finishing this 500 pound virtual art course since I dont want her in college until she is 18 due to her lack of GCSE maths and english which she is studying now. She says she doesnt want to study art any more. She is about 65% through this course. After Xmas I was going to start her with driving lessons. I`m not quite sure these days as to how you pass your theory test. The other thing she says to me is how isolated she is/how much she hates where we live. We live in a market town where unfortunately the council dont provide many clubs or groups for young people and its hard to find one that isnt sports based. What do you do if your teenager is really unhappy?

Ok so do you think you can help het with a healthy eating plan? Show you are on her side but do it in a healthy way?
I also think you need to cut back some control.

What does she want to do?
What does she like doing?
A lot of people think where they live has "nothing to do" but sometimes there actually is but you need to seek it out.
Are you in any home education groups?
I can't imagine studying art online is very exciting (and quite lonely).

I’m 5ft4

factually with that weight yes she is overweight, and nhs guidance would be to lose weight.

i am also overweight and trying to lose weight be eating in a more healthy fashion.

She seems to be interested in languages, such as french and spanish, and some of the eastern european ones, but she doesnt want really a job in them. She is kinda struggling to choose a career or a "path" i guess at that age its hard if you dont have a "dream" or a choice.

I agree. I am 5 ft 6 and 75kg it is overweight so I do fell for this girl.

I remember your last few posts on this subject, you had some good advice on them.

Does she want to go to college? If so, can't she study her GCSE maths and English at college?

If she's feeling isolated, does she want to go to college? Why can't she do maths and English GCSE at the local college? Being cut off from people her own age must be depressing.

She's over weight and trying to lose some. Good for her. It sounds like she is trying to cut the apron strings and gain a little independence. At 17 I would support her in that.

Does she have friends? A social life? Go anywhere?
Could she go to college to get her GCSEs?
I don't think many 17yos have a career plan to be honest!
What does she want to do now?

Op is there a 14-19 study programme at the local college?? It might help her confidence if she can get out and mix with people her own age??
Distance learning might be very lonely for your daughter

Why doesn’t she go to college and try some courses. Both my children have flourished at college after very difficult secondary school journey?
maybe she will be happier

Its really hard for her to make friends cos she doesnt go to college, so what i have tried to do is find a social group but the ones where we live are either for older people and shes kind of aged out of childrens groups

So let her go to college then.

I would encourage her to not necessarily be thinking that whatever you're interested in will lead to a career/job but focus on being interested in something just because you are interested in it.
There must be some social groups where you live.
As she's 17 she could probably go to groups aimed at adults (or you might need to come along until she turns 18).
She feeling isolated so she needs to go out and find something.
Join a pub quiz or go to bingo - just to get out, have fun and meet people.

You’ve had several other threads about this over the last month.
She needs to pass maths and English as a priority. She can do very little without those qualifications.
She needs to find an active hobby and a social circle.
She has to finish things she chose and that you have paid a lot of money for.

I'd encourage her to go to college. Maybe start making a plan to start afresh next year.
Army or air cadets? Scouts? Helping at brownies or other volunteering?
Go out walking with her to help her get fitter and drop some weight. And then maybe jogging, or even gym membership?

Why can’t she go to college now ? She will find it easier making friends with people she sees regularly as part of her usual routine rather than a manufactured environment of your choosing. You trying to find her social groups is you controlling her access to people and what she can and can’t do. At 16 she should have more agency to be involved in making decisions about her own future. Her refusal to finish the course and the restricting eating are actually signals that she wants some control over her life and environment which is not unreasonable for a 16 year old.

gently your OP is all about how you want things to be and how you want them to work , not much mention of what your DD might actually want. For her weight and height as others have said she is overweight. Perhaps you could talk to her about a healthy eating plan to help her lose the excess weight in a sensible measured way.

would your DD be interested in joining a gym or go swimming or take up a sport. This is a good way to meet others. Again being at college could be a good lead into this. I think you need to look at reframing your thinking about your DD future, involve her about decisions and what she wants to do, not just what you think is best for her. Involving her you will get much more buy in and cooperation rather than stand offs and arguments.

Can she go to college then?

@sincerestwonders has she's only missed the first half term could she go to college now?
Seriously...just to get the English and Maths.
Is it her that doesn't want to go or you that doesn't want her too?

shes 17 (year 13 equivalent)

What do you do if your teenager is really unhappy?

You try and find out what’s making them unhappy and help them address it if you can. Are you supporting her efforts to lose weight by keeping an eye on portion control, offering healthy food/encouraging her to learn to cook healthy food?

You don’t want her to go to college yet - but what does she want to do? Does she want to go to college? She feels isolated, wouldn’t college help with that?

You want her to finish her art course, but did she want to start it in the first place?

You don’t know how to pass a theory test, it’s not hard to find out, can’t your DD look it up and organise/prepare for it herself?

it sounds like you need to start encouraging and supporting some independence. When DS was 17 and at school, he had a lot of independence around subject choices, self-study etc. and the school had a programme of volunteering, team working activities and leadership opportunities for the 17/18 year olds. He also had a part-time job. I appreciate home schooling isn’t about replicating school, but is your DD getting these opportunities to grow and develop?

You haven’t mentioned friends?

Tbh I read your post and thought how depressing her life sounds. She is at an age where friends and social life is important. I would be encouraging college they have good support systems in place nowadays.

I would encourage her to get a job, both my girls struggled with education , left school with minimum qualifications but now have reasonable jobs and own their own houses.

She sounds depressed and her whole life sounds depressing. No friends and no education. And she is overweight. So telling her she isn’t is lying. I think she should go to college, and just by doing that she will be moving more. Also come up with a healthy eating plan that you can all follow. Join a gym with her?

Lots of separate issues here.

It sounds like she lacks the friends and other people in her life who boost confidence. Did she want to be home educated? Isolation will make her miserable.

Her comments about her weight and looks are probably linked to her loneliness. 75kg does sound a lot for her height (I'm the same height and 50kg, still healthy BMI). Could joining some fitness clubs or a sport help her find friends and feel better about herself?