Hello. Please bear with - this is a long one. Basically, I have been living under the same roof as my partner but separated, for divorce purposes, for over two years - I earn a decent salary but cannot afford to move out and pay for my own home, bills, etc given the current division of finances. He has told me outright that I am "not getting anything" from him, yet at the same time tells me to "get out".
We have three children. STBX in the military. When we had just the one child, he paid the household bills (inc mortgage) and I paid the nursery fees when I went back to work full time at 9 months. It worked out roughly 50/50 even though he was earning more than twice my salary at the time. I was ok with that. However, as time has gone on, he has refused to pay for nursery and childcare fees on the basis that it is my choice to work full time so I should pay for it. This is despite the mortgage being fully paid off (it was only a small one over 6 years, as he had saved substantially through tour bonuses, subsidised military accommodation, etc). Our earnings have increased over time, but he still earns about 60% more than I do. I mentioned to him when our second child was coming to nursery age that I felt that the division of finances was unfair, not least because my essential outgoings were more than twice his, and are now about three times as much with the mortgage fully paid off. We have been able to take advantage of the military's wrap-around childcare scheme since it came in in 2022, but it is only this year (!!) that he has actually applied for the rebates. I have calculated that I have lost around £15k in childcare fees that we now can't get refunded because one can only claim for refunds from the last 6 months.
I also pay for most of the children's other outgoings, eg clothes, shoes, books, clubs, music/dance lessons, etc. STBX works away during the week so I buy most food we use on weekdays. Last Christmas I bought all the children's presents from Father Christmas and "us", and last year we went on a long-haul holiday and I paid for around 80% of total costs, mainly because it's me that does all the admin around bookings, etc!
Our eldest is coming to the end of primary school and we now need to decide what to do for senior school. There is only one senior school in our area (very rural) - it is huge, with over 1,300 pupils, DS is youngest in his year and one of the shortest; I have serious misgivings about sending him there as I have heard so many stories about children going off the rails there. An 11-yo died after being supplied with drugs there last year! That's not to say that his experience will be the same, and he's pretty clued up on behavioural expectations and rights/wrongs, but I do worry about peer influence and getting lost in the system and, given huge class sizes, the ability for that school to bring out his best both academically and in terms of character.
DS has an adventurous spirit and with this in mind, he and I went to view an independent school with phenomenal boarding and education facilities. It is truly world-class, and a real home from home, with outstanding welfare provision and staff who genuinely care. With some financial support, we would be in the extremely privileged position of this being a viable option. DS is quite shy and reserved at times, but lights up with the right encouragement, and did so in his interactions with teachers and boarding house staff when we visited. He is begging me to let him go there. I was much the same kind of person at his age and was very, very fortunate to attend a private senior school on full scholarship - it was transformational and I loved it.
I would dearly love for him to have this opportunity, but STBX has said I should stop applying for registration and funding "right now, because he's not going there, end of. Stop being so controlling". The irony of that last statement is not lost on me. I have asked him why he feels so strongly against it - he claims I am trying to separate DS from him, which is categorically untrue, as throughout the limited discussions we have had, I have been absolutely clear that I wish to share the parenting responsibilities. He hates the idea of private schools, Oxbridge, London, etc because those are all the things I have experienced (and thrived on) and I feel that he is trying to control the narrative.
He has said he will refuse to cooperate if I try and go down the private school route, which I am in tears about because all I want is the very best for my children - there is literally no other motive in there and I cannot seem to get that through to him!
Whilst I am more than happy to pay as much as I can afford (assuming we eventually reach a financial settlement and I can at least afford something...), the financial assistance on offer from the school would take into account both of our incomes/assets in determining what we have to pay. Clearly I would not be able to afford to pay that amount by myself, but he is adamant he wants nothing to do with it. I am not in debt at all, but I do not have substantial savings and do not have family members in a position to help financially, at least not very much.
I have spoken to professionals (mortgage advisor, my solicitor, and a friend who is a counsellor) about this situation and all have mentioned "financial coercion and control" on STBX's part. It has taken time to accept that this is the case, and I think I have probably enabled it by going with the flow rather than arguing my case more, but I have no idea what to do about it because he will not accept that his behaviour amounts to this. Whenever I ask him to contribute to significant expenditures (eg DS needs a new bike), he turns it back on me and tells me to "stop being abusive", "stop being controlling", "you're twisting the narrative" - there is literally always some kind of comeback/blaming me, even when it makes no sense at all, and it feels like I'm hitting a brick wall every time I try and talk reasonably about it.
Does anyone have any advice on how to move this forward? I do realise that the private schooling thing is a first-world problem and I am very mindful about that, but I care deeply about getting my son the very best education we possibly can, and most importantly, my son really wants this opportunity, too.
Thank you for any guidance. Please be gentle in responses - this has been hard to write 🙏🏻