Separating - partner not cooperating for potential private schooling/accusing me of control

[whatsmynameagain123]

Hello. Please bear with - this is a long one. Basically, I have been living under the same roof as my partner but separated, for divorce purposes, for over two years - I earn a decent salary but cannot afford to move out and pay for my own home, bills, etc given the current division of finances. He has told me outright that I am "not getting anything" from him, yet at the same time tells me to "get out".

We have three children. STBX in the military. When we had just the one child, he paid the household bills (inc mortgage) and I paid the nursery fees when I went back to work full time at 9 months. It worked out roughly 50/50 even though he was earning more than twice my salary at the time. I was ok with that. However, as time has gone on, he has refused to pay for nursery and childcare fees on the basis that it is my choice to work full time so I should pay for it. This is despite the mortgage being fully paid off (it was only a small one over 6 years, as he had saved substantially through tour bonuses, subsidised military accommodation, etc). Our earnings have increased over time, but he still earns about 60% more than I do. I mentioned to him when our second child was coming to nursery age that I felt that the division of finances was unfair, not least because my essential outgoings were more than twice his, and are now about three times as much with the mortgage fully paid off. We have been able to take advantage of the military's wrap-around childcare scheme since it came in in 2022, but it is only this year (!!) that he has actually applied for the rebates. I have calculated that I have lost around £15k in childcare fees that we now can't get refunded because one can only claim for refunds from the last 6 months.

I also pay for most of the children's other outgoings, eg clothes, shoes, books, clubs, music/dance lessons, etc. STBX works away during the week so I buy most food we use on weekdays. Last Christmas I bought all the children's presents from Father Christmas and "us", and last year we went on a long-haul holiday and I paid for around 80% of total costs, mainly because it's me that does all the admin around bookings, etc!

Our eldest is coming to the end of primary school and we now need to decide what to do for senior school. There is only one senior school in our area (very rural) - it is huge, with over 1,300 pupils, DS is youngest in his year and one of the shortest; I have serious misgivings about sending him there as I have heard so many stories about children going off the rails there. An 11-yo died after being supplied with drugs there last year! That's not to say that his experience will be the same, and he's pretty clued up on behavioural expectations and rights/wrongs, but I do worry about peer influence and getting lost in the system and, given huge class sizes, the ability for that school to bring out his best both academically and in terms of character.

DS has an adventurous spirit and with this in mind, he and I went to view an independent school with phenomenal boarding and education facilities. It is truly world-class, and a real home from home, with outstanding welfare provision and staff who genuinely care. With some financial support, we would be in the extremely privileged position of this being a viable option. DS is quite shy and reserved at times, but lights up with the right encouragement, and did so in his interactions with teachers and boarding house staff when we visited. He is begging me to let him go there. I was much the same kind of person at his age and was very, very fortunate to attend a private senior school on full scholarship - it was transformational and I loved it.

I would dearly love for him to have this opportunity, but STBX has said I should stop applying for registration and funding "right now, because he's not going there, end of. Stop being so controlling". The irony of that last statement is not lost on me. I have asked him why he feels so strongly against it - he claims I am trying to separate DS from him, which is categorically untrue, as throughout the limited discussions we have had, I have been absolutely clear that I wish to share the parenting responsibilities. He hates the idea of private schools, Oxbridge, London, etc because those are all the things I have experienced (and thrived on) and I feel that he is trying to control the narrative.

He has said he will refuse to cooperate if I try and go down the private school route, which I am in tears about because all I want is the very best for my children - there is literally no other motive in there and I cannot seem to get that through to him!

Whilst I am more than happy to pay as much as I can afford (assuming we eventually reach a financial settlement and I can at least afford something...), the financial assistance on offer from the school would take into account both of our incomes/assets in determining what we have to pay. Clearly I would not be able to afford to pay that amount by myself, but he is adamant he wants nothing to do with it. I am not in debt at all, but I do not have substantial savings and do not have family members in a position to help financially, at least not very much.

I have spoken to professionals (mortgage advisor, my solicitor, and a friend who is a counsellor) about this situation and all have mentioned "financial coercion and control" on STBX's part. It has taken time to accept that this is the case, and I think I have probably enabled it by going with the flow rather than arguing my case more, but I have no idea what to do about it because he will not accept that his behaviour amounts to this. Whenever I ask him to contribute to significant expenditures (eg DS needs a new bike), he turns it back on me and tells me to "stop being abusive", "stop being controlling", "you're twisting the narrative" - there is literally always some kind of comeback/blaming me, even when it makes no sense at all, and it feels like I'm hitting a brick wall every time I try and talk reasonably about it.

Does anyone have any advice on how to move this forward? I do realise that the private schooling thing is a first-world problem and I am very mindful about that, but I care deeply about getting my son the very best education we possibly can, and most importantly, my son really wants this opportunity, too.

Thank you for any guidance. Please be gentle in responses - this has been hard to write 🙏🏻

Stop waiting for him to have a personality transplant, stop giving him all the power, get an aggressive divorce lawyer and get the ball rolling.

That you skip so easily the divorce part in a such a long, protracted situation of financial abuse to imagine a rosy future where both of you could contribute to extra fees without him not trying to control or eff you over through it (if he ever agreed to it in the first place), sorry, but this sounds like you haven't understood the measure of the man and the gravity of your situation.

Thank you - that is CEA, and unfortunately we are not eligible because whilst he moves around with work, we stay in our home and are not 'mobile'. If only - it covers something like 90% of boarding fees!

It is true that the school will consider the income of the parent the child lives with, but I do think it's in DS's best interests to spend some of the time with dad even if most of that would by default be with me due to his work, so they would presumably take his income into account to a certain degree, perhaps pro rated.

But yoo already knew his feelings about private schooling so therefore he wouldn’t want to pay the fees. I don’t know what you were thinking taking your poor son to view this school without prior discussion with the person you want to pay towards it,

You also have 3 children, what happens when the others want to go to the same private school(or another that might suit them better). Paying one set of fees is one thing, but three sets is a huge financial commitment,

You need to stop thinking of yourselves at a couple, you keep saying ‘we can…’ etc. bit it’s yours and his money, there will be a divorce settlement, but nobody is going to make him pay for private school if your DS aren’t already in established independent education.

Wow, that's a little judgmental. HE is the one really keen to go there, and for that reason alone I am pursuing this and trying to explore every possible option. We have already spoken about the situation and he knows and understands that this is not a case of abandoning him - far from it, and in fact I think it could be a good thing for him to be away from the inevitably difficult process this is going to be. He knows he is loved and treasured and that that will not change as things develop.

Your ex is clearly not going to contribute anything unless he’s forced to.
So stopped asking him and crack on with the divorce and financial settlement so you can get a home of your own, a fair share of the marital assets and child support.

i would not be contemplating private school for 1 child unless I could add for all 3 to have the same opportunity. And putting 3 kids through private school is financially impossible for most people.

But would you be able to pay for private education for 3 children,?

You can’t afford it. Your ex doesn’t want to pay for it. It’s a non starter. Use your time money and energy to sort out your divorce and make a clean break.

Nobody will force a parent to start paying private school fees for a child when they don’t even want them to go. This is not an only child either! Are you planning for him to pay half for all of them?! Can you afford this, too?

You are being manipulative and quite cruel taking a child to visit a school they will never be able to go to. You can’t afford it and their dad doesn’t want them to go. That is the end of it really. If your whole game plan is based on him having to pay towards this , then you would be guilty of financial coercion and control.

A secondary school of 1300 is not huge either-the local one here is over 2500!

What makes you think we hadn't had prior discussion, and why should I accept his unreasonable, unreasoned attitude? He is not acting in DS's best interest - that is all that matters.

Agree three sets of fees is a lot, but they would not all be there at the same time due to age gaps, and the means testing would take into account fees being paid for other siblings.

Even if you were still together you couldn’t force him to pay for private schooling that he didn’t agree to. You can’t afford it by yourself, you can’t get him to pay for it now or in the future, it’s not the status quo so it’s not even like you’re asking for it to be maintained. He’s not going to the private school. We can’t know if he’s financially abusive in other ways but he’s certainly not financially abusive to decline a massive ongoing bill for a luxury most people don’t get which he disagrees with on principle. The people telling you he is don’t have your best interests at heart because it’s rubbish.

Private school isn't an option, you should stop thinking about it.
The solicitor shouldn't be sending letters and emails at your expense, the divorce needs moved along.
You don't need to talk with the man, arrange co-parenting and going to court since you both won't agree.

I think, without buy in from your ex, this is a non-starter. If you can’t afford the fees (subsidised or not) on your own, then your son won’t be able to attend this specific school. Also what about your other children? Will you be able to offer them the same when their time came? You cannot treat your children differently, it’ll cause problems in the future.

As others mentioned, 1500 pupils in a secondary is not a big school by any means. My eldest goes to our local comp where there are close to 2500 pupils. It regularly appears in top 10 comps lists. Don’t let size put you off.

What are your sons needs? Is it an academic stretch? If so, what about grammars?

With all the best intentions, I say this to you gently OP, I think you are projecting onto your son. You loved private school and want him to too. He doesn’t necessarily need this, and you likely can’t afford this. Look at alternative options in case you can’t get your ExH to agree.

I appreciate you want the best for your son, most parents do but you also need to show him you can make mature informed decisions. It’d be terrible if you committed to this boarding school then had to withdraw him after a year due to affordability.

Yes if the finances were split equitably. They would not all be there at the same time.

You need to sort your finances to actually move out. That should be your priority.

OP, you must see that you are being unreasonable here. Yes, he sounds like a prize twat…but you can’t force him to pay for this. You just can’t. It’s a huge amount of money to commit to over many years, and you really can’t send just one of your children to a private school and the other two to the local comp! The long term consequences of that for the two that were unequally and unfairly treated would be devastating!!

So you can only afford it if he pays half which he doesn’t want to!

You are being so unreasonable here, it’s unreal.

He isn’t going to pay and I don’t blame him.

Now, you need to forget this and start bigging up the state school your son will be going to.

You couldn't be more mistaken. HE wants this - I am only pursuing it because HE has done the research into it himself and is really keen! I do not "want him" to love private school - as I have said to him, if we somehow go ahead with this and he doesn't like it, I am not going to force him to stay in that system. What I do know is that it brought out the best in me and I went from being horrendously bullied at my local grammar school and being very reluctant to being accepted and reaching my academic ambitions. I hope you can understand that all I want is for him to have that opportunity, too.

There is only one school in the area we live in - no such thing as grammars where we are. My mistake for assuming 1,300 isn't big - it's huge compared to what I have known. Unfortunately the local school is not an outstanding one academically or otherwise and has academic performance at the national average.

I think what you think of your son's 'best interests' are clearly not what your exH thinks are in his best interests, and there is no way to determine, except by going to court, whose view is the right one. Only 7% of children in the UK go to private school, and only a smaller proportion of those to boarding school, and that there is plenty of evidence to suggest that boarding schools can lead to attachment disorders in children. So, it is reasonable to hold the position he does, even if you do not agree with it. You cannot force your exH either to send your child to private/boarding school and/or pay for it.

Given that he is refusing to pay, there was obviously not discussion beforehand where he had agreed to pay for private schooling or you would have already mentioned that. You knew he likely wouldn’’t agree to it but you decided to show your son would he couldn’t have anyway. Horrible behaviour towards a child who is only 10 years old.
You have to accept his opinion because you need him to pay for it to happen, you cannot make him pay.

It also doesn’t matter if they are not all there at the same time, in fact that makes the financial commitment a much longer drawn out commitment, if your son attends fromyears 7-13 is 7 years, multiply that by 3 children and it is 21 years of private schooling fees that you are asking for.

Like everyone else you have to cut your cloth.

It’s irrelevant if your son has decided he ‘wants’ it. My DS wanted a £1000 iPhone and a swimming pool when he was eleven-he obviously got neither.

You need to parent him and manage his expectations by explaining that only a tiny percentage of people go to private school because it’s so expensive. You really shouldn’t have taken him to look around as you have got his hopes up for something that isn’t going to happen. Poor boy.

Believing that attending private school is in your DS's best interests is not a statement of unequivocal fact, it's an opinion. Your ex simply doesn't hold the same opinion as you. He doesn't have to and given the circumstances it's drastically unlikely a court would force him to.

If your ex decided that it's in your DS's best interests to take up sailing, would you go along with his demand that you pay a proportion of the cost of a yacht? Even if your ex took DS sailing one time and DS had fun?

I had a parent who wanted the same kind of private school education for my siblings and me that they had. They weren't able to afford it and it was difficult for them to let go of that idea. I do understand that you want to give your son the best.
However, you are in a worse position than my parent because as well as not being able to afford it, your child's dad doesn't want him to go. It is not going to happen.
What also happened in my family was different children had different levels of access to private school and that has caused more upset and problems than if we had all not had the opportunity. It is not a great idea to stretch yourself for the eldest if this is going to be a difficult opportunity to match for your younger two.
What can happen is you can focus on pushing through the divorce, with a fair financial settlement, using a solicitor. Then you'll have more control of your finances and future.

He is being unreasonable in many ways but not in refusing to fund private boarding school. That is what you think is best not necessarily what is best. Many, many parents myself included would never consider boarding school because of the risk of harm to their child.