Separating - partner not cooperating for potential private schooling/accusing me of control

[whatsmynameagain123]

Hello. Please bear with - this is a long one. Basically, I have been living under the same roof as my partner but separated, for divorce purposes, for over two years - I earn a decent salary but cannot afford to move out and pay for my own home, bills, etc given the current division of finances. He has told me outright that I am "not getting anything" from him, yet at the same time tells me to "get out".

We have three children. STBX in the military. When we had just the one child, he paid the household bills (inc mortgage) and I paid the nursery fees when I went back to work full time at 9 months. It worked out roughly 50/50 even though he was earning more than twice my salary at the time. I was ok with that. However, as time has gone on, he has refused to pay for nursery and childcare fees on the basis that it is my choice to work full time so I should pay for it. This is despite the mortgage being fully paid off (it was only a small one over 6 years, as he had saved substantially through tour bonuses, subsidised military accommodation, etc). Our earnings have increased over time, but he still earns about 60% more than I do. I mentioned to him when our second child was coming to nursery age that I felt that the division of finances was unfair, not least because my essential outgoings were more than twice his, and are now about three times as much with the mortgage fully paid off. We have been able to take advantage of the military's wrap-around childcare scheme since it came in in 2022, but it is only this year (!!) that he has actually applied for the rebates. I have calculated that I have lost around £15k in childcare fees that we now can't get refunded because one can only claim for refunds from the last 6 months.

I also pay for most of the children's other outgoings, eg clothes, shoes, books, clubs, music/dance lessons, etc. STBX works away during the week so I buy most food we use on weekdays. Last Christmas I bought all the children's presents from Father Christmas and "us", and last year we went on a long-haul holiday and I paid for around 80% of total costs, mainly because it's me that does all the admin around bookings, etc!

Our eldest is coming to the end of primary school and we now need to decide what to do for senior school. There is only one senior school in our area (very rural) - it is huge, with over 1,300 pupils, DS is youngest in his year and one of the shortest; I have serious misgivings about sending him there as I have heard so many stories about children going off the rails there. An 11-yo died after being supplied with drugs there last year! That's not to say that his experience will be the same, and he's pretty clued up on behavioural expectations and rights/wrongs, but I do worry about peer influence and getting lost in the system and, given huge class sizes, the ability for that school to bring out his best both academically and in terms of character.

DS has an adventurous spirit and with this in mind, he and I went to view an independent school with phenomenal boarding and education facilities. It is truly world-class, and a real home from home, with outstanding welfare provision and staff who genuinely care. With some financial support, we would be in the extremely privileged position of this being a viable option. DS is quite shy and reserved at times, but lights up with the right encouragement, and did so in his interactions with teachers and boarding house staff when we visited. He is begging me to let him go there. I was much the same kind of person at his age and was very, very fortunate to attend a private senior school on full scholarship - it was transformational and I loved it.

I would dearly love for him to have this opportunity, but STBX has said I should stop applying for registration and funding "right now, because he's not going there, end of. Stop being so controlling". The irony of that last statement is not lost on me. I have asked him why he feels so strongly against it - he claims I am trying to separate DS from him, which is categorically untrue, as throughout the limited discussions we have had, I have been absolutely clear that I wish to share the parenting responsibilities. He hates the idea of private schools, Oxbridge, London, etc because those are all the things I have experienced (and thrived on) and I feel that he is trying to control the narrative.

He has said he will refuse to cooperate if I try and go down the private school route, which I am in tears about because all I want is the very best for my children - there is literally no other motive in there and I cannot seem to get that through to him!

Whilst I am more than happy to pay as much as I can afford (assuming we eventually reach a financial settlement and I can at least afford something...), the financial assistance on offer from the school would take into account both of our incomes/assets in determining what we have to pay. Clearly I would not be able to afford to pay that amount by myself, but he is adamant he wants nothing to do with it. I am not in debt at all, but I do not have substantial savings and do not have family members in a position to help financially, at least not very much.

I have spoken to professionals (mortgage advisor, my solicitor, and a friend who is a counsellor) about this situation and all have mentioned "financial coercion and control" on STBX's part. It has taken time to accept that this is the case, and I think I have probably enabled it by going with the flow rather than arguing my case more, but I have no idea what to do about it because he will not accept that his behaviour amounts to this. Whenever I ask him to contribute to significant expenditures (eg DS needs a new bike), he turns it back on me and tells me to "stop being abusive", "stop being controlling", "you're twisting the narrative" - there is literally always some kind of comeback/blaming me, even when it makes no sense at all, and it feels like I'm hitting a brick wall every time I try and talk reasonably about it.

Does anyone have any advice on how to move this forward? I do realise that the private schooling thing is a first-world problem and I am very mindful about that, but I care deeply about getting my son the very best education we possibly can, and most importantly, my son really wants this opportunity, too.

Thank you for any guidance. Please be gentle in responses - this has been hard to write 🙏🏻

If you can't afford private education, OP, and your ex doesn't want to pay, then you will need to find a very generous scholarship/bursary or send your ds to state school instead.

You can't force your ex to pay for it. And nor should you be able to.

Why have you not already got divorced? It must be very confusing for the children!
When you do get divorced, you will get a financial order which will be final. Unless he’s a very high earner, he will not be forced to pay towards school fees. Any child maintenance you receive will be based on his earnings and you can use this to pay towards what the DC need. A new bike, long haul holidays and private school fees are not needs, they’re desires.

When a couple divorce both parties have to get used to a massive change in lifestyle. For a start there are 2 homes to afford and run rather than just one.

Your husband does not want to pay for private school. Whether you feel this fair or not wont change that. He does not think it is a necessary expense. Even if he were to say tonight that he has had a change of mind and will pay half he may well change his mind next month/year.

Once you are divorced he may meet someone else and his finances will change again. From the type of person you say he is he is not going to be offering anything more than he has to. Likewise child maintenance will be the CMS amount and not a penny more.

As a divorced single mum you will have to make many changes to your lifestyle, most of which you will not like.

Keep insisting 'we could afford it if he would---' is irrelevant. He has made it clear he will not agree to private schooling.

I dont mean to be unkind but as you have been in the throws of separating/divorce for 2 years now I cant understand how you ever thought private school was a possibility.

You keep saying you cannot move out because of the finances but you need to find somewhere to rent and get the finances sorted. You need a really good solicitor.
Why should your ex do anything about a divorce while you are still there sharing the expenses. Are you happy to live in limbo like this forever?

You really must tell your child that it is not going to be possible to go to the private school as soon as you can. the longer he thinks he is going to be going there the worse it will be when he is told he isnt.

Like others, I cant understand why you would let him visit the school and set his hopes on it knowing you were going to be divorcing.
Your lifestyle will be so different and you need to cut your cloth accordingly.

He would deny his son the opportunity in order to hurt You, OP. He no longer loves you and is now the hostile enemy force. You may buckle up and get used to this attitude from him because you have many years of it ahead of you. Best of luck.

A person that hides money from his children and wife in marriage is not going to become an ex that readily hands over what is fair post divorce.

If he wanted too, he could have bought Christmas presents, if he wanted to he could have come along to the open day. He didn't

It sounds like he wanted the appearance of a family with the lifestyle of a singleton

At some point you have to decide what your freedom is worth and compare that to waiting for what is fair.

I would completely drop the topic of private schooling and start looking into the state option in more detail. I would hazard a guess that he would make the separation process taken even longer that it is already if he thought that it would give you the access to funds to pay for the private school he does not want your child to attend.

I hate the my children it says a lot, there both your children and I totally get him tbh

You cant afford private school. You cant afford to move out of the family home. You need to get the divorce and financial agreement finalised so you can move forward. Realistically, you need his go ahead for big decisions like school placement. He can block a application to a school he foesnt want/ like. Also, he isnt obliged to pay you more than CM and that's not going to cover private school fees for three children. It would be unreasonable to give one opportunities you cant afford to give all three. I think you need to rethink it. Maybe look at different areas to live with better schools once your divorce is finalised.

You need to focus on the divorce right now and get that finished. I divorced a man very similar to your partner - he will do everything to scupper it. It's a form of abuse, ignoring court papers, refusing to cooperate, forcing adjournments.

There are solutions in between the existing school and the expensive boarding school - if you're divorced you'll be free to move to a town with a more decent school. And just to add - a lot of people think their poor precious delicate little child won't cope in a rough comp. They do! But really, spend your time, energy and money divorcing this man.

What do you mean by finances split equitably? Once the divorce is finalised you will receive a share of current assets. His income is then only used to determine what CMS you are entitled to. He won’t be made to pay 50% of school fees on top especially if he has already expressed that he does not want DS to attend

There was another thread a while ago from a mum who was divorcing and her ex was intent on private school. She was not prepared to sign up as she was terrified of being lumbered with fees she could not pay. If both parents are not totally onboard it just won’t happen. Rightly so.

You need to separate the two issues of financial abuse and private education.

1. Financial abuse is fundamentally wrong and your ex should be contributing towards his children's daily needs. The CSA should help if you're separated but I'm not sure what their stance is if you're living together.

1. Not believing private school is in your DS's best interests is not fundamentally wrong and it would be unlikely that any court would force him to pay half unless it was something you had jointly committed to before the divorce.

Even if we on Mumsnet agree that the private school would be ideal for your DS, I'm not sure there's a lot you can do if your ex doesn't. Especially if you can't afford full fees yourself.

If you can't afford to live separately and sort they divorce, then you most certainly can't afford to send your child to private school.

Have you asked the school if they would treat you as a lone parent, with you being separated for two years, for bursary purposes?

This must be heartbreaking but the bottom line is that you cannot afford to finance the education you want for your boy, and the person who could doesn’t want to use the money in that way and is not obliged to. I think you need to accept this reality.
It really seems extremely remiss of you to have taken your son and shown him the private school before funding was secured.

Have you spoken to Army welfare about what’s been happening, finance-wise, OP? Would your estranged husband’s OC or CO take a dim view of his behaviour?

Your ex sounds like a dick. Honestly, get divorced, accept your kid has to go to a state school and move on with your life.

If you are going to need your ex to contribute for private fees a) he clearly isn’t willing to, b) even if he agreed now he will use this for years as a stick to beat you with, threatening to stop paying or withdraw the loss when you don’t behave and c) regardless of your feelings on his prioritisation and however else he behaves, refusing to pay for boarding school is not financial abuse.

You can't have what you can't afford, but you could put a bomb under your solicitor to crack on with the divorce proceedings, or get a better solicitor. Your current situation is clearly not satisfactory for any of you.

This is a terrible arrangement
he sounds controlling re nursery comments

I really hope the house is in both your names?

I think you need to get real, re plan and progress the divorce: your ex isn’t going to play ball, to say the least, and private school is unrealistic in your circumstances.

No real advice but wondered if you are eligible to get a military discount on boarding fees, that would help a lot.

Bluntly, your living arrangements sound shit. I cannot imagine having to still live under the same roof as your ex, yet you are doing because you say you cannot afford to move out, and you think private school is a better use of your money than funding your own home? I can only imagine what the atmosphere is like in the house, and your poor kids have to put up with it.

It’s not really reasonable of you to accuse your ex of not wanting what is in the child’s best interests. Parents are allowed to have a difference in opinion over which the best school for their child is. Or parents might both agree that a private school is best, but may not agree that it is affordable.

Speaking with experience, you will waste your time and suffer major and prolonged disappointment if you continue to pursue the private route. Without him onboard it cannot happen. He is not onboard, and that is hideous, but you cannot change that. You won't forget it, and may not forgive, but the longer you continue the harder it is for you to let go of a potential future your children will never have and you will need to mourn that too. The longer it will take for you to come to terms with the future the children NOW have.

The divorce finances are separate from schooling costs.

Start the divorce properly. Everything, pensions, house, assets, equity = in the pot and 50/50 is the starting point, adjust according to needs around children. This will generate a financial order at court. The judge can decide for him if he doesn't capitulate. Agree child arrangements, form it into an order. Pursue child maintenance informally, then formally if he wont work with you.

There is a lot to do for a fair and equitable outcome. Continuing to desire sending children to private school, when that was not the precedence, is needlessly adding to the workload and emotional burden of what you already have to work through. Sending children to private school when there wasn't precedence isn't akin to a fair and equitable outcome - and given that households and families are now arranged differently, even of there was a precedence, it may now not be attainable.

You will become stuck in something you cannot alter. Focus on what you CAN do so you can be the best version of you.

As I said no court is going to award school fees when the child is not currently in private education. Why should your child get a bursary when your joint incomes mean that you can afford to pay IF you BOTH choose to send him there? Private education is a choice and he chooses not to send him there. In the absence of you personally not being able to pay the fees and afford to house yourself and live then unfortunately he doesn't get to go and will be educated alongside 93% of the population. Again I would focus on divorce and the financial settlement that enables you to move on and house yourself and your children.

There was a similar thread recently and unless you both agree then private is a non starter unfortunately.

You have not said what rank your STBXH is, but even if he’s very senior - let’s say a Navy captain or an army colonel, salary will be c£120k. Take off tax and you’re left with maybe £70 or £80k which sounds a lot until you consider that a typical boarding school costs £50k. And you need to treat all 3 kids equally. Just don’t go there.