Separating - partner not cooperating for potential private schooling/accusing me of control

[whatsmynameagain123]

Hello. Please bear with - this is a long one. Basically, I have been living under the same roof as my partner but separated, for divorce purposes, for over two years - I earn a decent salary but cannot afford to move out and pay for my own home, bills, etc given the current division of finances. He has told me outright that I am "not getting anything" from him, yet at the same time tells me to "get out".

We have three children. STBX in the military. When we had just the one child, he paid the household bills (inc mortgage) and I paid the nursery fees when I went back to work full time at 9 months. It worked out roughly 50/50 even though he was earning more than twice my salary at the time. I was ok with that. However, as time has gone on, he has refused to pay for nursery and childcare fees on the basis that it is my choice to work full time so I should pay for it. This is despite the mortgage being fully paid off (it was only a small one over 6 years, as he had saved substantially through tour bonuses, subsidised military accommodation, etc). Our earnings have increased over time, but he still earns about 60% more than I do. I mentioned to him when our second child was coming to nursery age that I felt that the division of finances was unfair, not least because my essential outgoings were more than twice his, and are now about three times as much with the mortgage fully paid off. We have been able to take advantage of the military's wrap-around childcare scheme since it came in in 2022, but it is only this year (!!) that he has actually applied for the rebates. I have calculated that I have lost around £15k in childcare fees that we now can't get refunded because one can only claim for refunds from the last 6 months.

I also pay for most of the children's other outgoings, eg clothes, shoes, books, clubs, music/dance lessons, etc. STBX works away during the week so I buy most food we use on weekdays. Last Christmas I bought all the children's presents from Father Christmas and "us", and last year we went on a long-haul holiday and I paid for around 80% of total costs, mainly because it's me that does all the admin around bookings, etc!

Our eldest is coming to the end of primary school and we now need to decide what to do for senior school. There is only one senior school in our area (very rural) - it is huge, with over 1,300 pupils, DS is youngest in his year and one of the shortest; I have serious misgivings about sending him there as I have heard so many stories about children going off the rails there. An 11-yo died after being supplied with drugs there last year! That's not to say that his experience will be the same, and he's pretty clued up on behavioural expectations and rights/wrongs, but I do worry about peer influence and getting lost in the system and, given huge class sizes, the ability for that school to bring out his best both academically and in terms of character.

DS has an adventurous spirit and with this in mind, he and I went to view an independent school with phenomenal boarding and education facilities. It is truly world-class, and a real home from home, with outstanding welfare provision and staff who genuinely care. With some financial support, we would be in the extremely privileged position of this being a viable option. DS is quite shy and reserved at times, but lights up with the right encouragement, and did so in his interactions with teachers and boarding house staff when we visited. He is begging me to let him go there. I was much the same kind of person at his age and was very, very fortunate to attend a private senior school on full scholarship - it was transformational and I loved it.

I would dearly love for him to have this opportunity, but STBX has said I should stop applying for registration and funding "right now, because he's not going there, end of. Stop being so controlling". The irony of that last statement is not lost on me. I have asked him why he feels so strongly against it - he claims I am trying to separate DS from him, which is categorically untrue, as throughout the limited discussions we have had, I have been absolutely clear that I wish to share the parenting responsibilities. He hates the idea of private schools, Oxbridge, London, etc because those are all the things I have experienced (and thrived on) and I feel that he is trying to control the narrative.

He has said he will refuse to cooperate if I try and go down the private school route, which I am in tears about because all I want is the very best for my children - there is literally no other motive in there and I cannot seem to get that through to him!

Whilst I am more than happy to pay as much as I can afford (assuming we eventually reach a financial settlement and I can at least afford something...), the financial assistance on offer from the school would take into account both of our incomes/assets in determining what we have to pay. Clearly I would not be able to afford to pay that amount by myself, but he is adamant he wants nothing to do with it. I am not in debt at all, but I do not have substantial savings and do not have family members in a position to help financially, at least not very much.

I have spoken to professionals (mortgage advisor, my solicitor, and a friend who is a counsellor) about this situation and all have mentioned "financial coercion and control" on STBX's part. It has taken time to accept that this is the case, and I think I have probably enabled it by going with the flow rather than arguing my case more, but I have no idea what to do about it because he will not accept that his behaviour amounts to this. Whenever I ask him to contribute to significant expenditures (eg DS needs a new bike), he turns it back on me and tells me to "stop being abusive", "stop being controlling", "you're twisting the narrative" - there is literally always some kind of comeback/blaming me, even when it makes no sense at all, and it feels like I'm hitting a brick wall every time I try and talk reasonably about it.

Does anyone have any advice on how to move this forward? I do realise that the private schooling thing is a first-world problem and I am very mindful about that, but I care deeply about getting my son the very best education we possibly can, and most importantly, my son really wants this opportunity, too.

Thank you for any guidance. Please be gentle in responses - this has been hard to write 🙏🏻

You have 3 children.
You surely can't force your STBX to pay for starting private school for eldest, because then it will be what about DC2 and DC3 too.

And taking your DS to see the private school was maybe not wise.

Private education is a luxury and a choice and he will not be expected to fund your personal choice. It is not the same as when a father is expected to continue paying fees for a child who is already at a private school at a crucial time for their education. I would not continue trying to flog that dead horse. It simply muddies the waters for getting a fair financial settlement and child maintenance which us what you really should be concentrating on. Refusing to fund private education is not financial abuse.

Children do not need new bikes and long haul holidays and dance lessons etc IF you can't afford them. These are all examples of things you buy if and when you can afford them. It is not financial abuse not to provide these. Many can't and many don’t even if they can afford them. After your split actually happens you will have to cut your cloth to fit. Whoever is telling you this amounts to financial abuse is not being helpful and should in fact be helping you deal with what your new normal will be.

I'm afraid I would give up on the idea of private schooling. With him being the way he is, unless you can afford it easily I would not.
Get yourself a lawyer (I'm sorry but you really do need to pay out some cash for this) and initiate the formal divorce papers. House will get sold as part of the process (ETA unless he can buy you out) and you will have to move out. If you can't afford somewhere for you and the 3 kids, you may be able to get a larger share of the family assets. Right now you are paying for everything, it is not in his interest to cooperate in any way. The only way to change this is to go through the divorce. Tell the children you are separating (if they don't already know) then everything you buy from then on is from YOU only. Go on holiday without him. In working out what you can afford in the future, make sure to consider CMS.

Private schooling is surely the least of your worries. You should concentrate on divorcing your husband and setting up a home of your own. That home could be in the catchment of other more suitable state schools.

If you can’t afford your living cost then you can afford private school.

Is this an ex partner or an ex husband?

Private school sounds like a non-starter. You can't afford it, as your ex won't pay, the courts won't make him, and private schools will take his salary into account when offering financial assistance.
What is a problem is your ex's financially controlling behaviour. You need to get the divorce sorted, as soon as possible.

I agree I think private schooling is the least of your worries here, particularly given you have three children not just the one.

Many people would be in the privileged position of having this amazing opportunity being viable if only someone else would help pay for it.

I would focus on the divorce, selling the house, find yourself somewhere new to live and set up maintenance. Then you can work out much money you can afford and whether private schooling for 1-3 children is going to be possible for you. Given he’s already not on board with private schooling it seems very unlikely he’s going to contribute anything to it let alone half.

I think with something as significant as private schooling, both parents really do need to be fully on board. He has parental responsibility just as you do, and he's entitled to have a say in your son's education, even if you disagree with his reasoning.
I'd also be very wary of entering into a financial commitment of this magnitude with someone you're separating from, particularly given what you've said about his attitude towards money. What's to stop him withdrawing his financial contribution a year or two down the line, leaving you responsible for fees you simply cannot afford? The last thing you want is for your son to settle in, make friends and thrive, only to have to remove him because the funding has fallen through.
I appreciate you want the very best for your son, but I think your priority needs to be securing a fair financial settlement and establishing what you can realistically afford independently of your husband. You have three children to consider, and financial stability for all of them is equally important.

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like private school is affordable for you and it sounds like moving out should be the priority given the financial abuse. You should be able to claim UC and put in a claim for child maintenance once you are no longer living together. He's not correct in saying you won't be getting a penny. School-wise are there any better state options, or would there be if you moved?

If you’re married, it doesn’t matter what he says about what he thinks you’re getting.

get a shit hot lawyer and go for all you can

I don’t think boarding school is the best place for an 11 year old whose parents are separating. He could feel like you’re both moving on with your lives and you’ve dumped him there. Whatever he feels now about the idea in the abstract is unlikely to be how he feels at 11pm on a Tuesday night

Private school would be affordable if he contributed equitably to both the fees and general outgoings, and assuming that on divorce he is made to pay towards the children's general costs! Unfortunately I am not eligible for UC.

There is literally only one state school covering the entire town/wider surrounding area. My parents live 6 hours away where property prices are much more expensive, and most other areas around here in other local authorities are more expensive being closer to the nearest city. There is one private school in the area, too, but I have not been impressed, and it's massively in debt so not even sure it will exist for much longer.

WHY take him to look round and get excited when you can't actually send him that's cruel op.

Thank you - it's my husband, from whom I'm separated for the two years with consent purposes of divorce, but we are under the same roof for now as he is refusing to talk about finances. I can afford my living costs, so I am not sure where you have got this from. What I can't afford is to move out and buy or rent a house whilst the finances are split so unevenly. He puts £1k/month into a private pension whilst I pay the majority of essential outgoings and non-essentials, too.

I don’t think any divorce settlement can force him to pay private school fees?

The problem is, we can well afford those things, but he refuses to pay out for them! I have never been in debt in providing all of these things, but it is not fair that he earns substantially more yet pays out far less. I do get that private education is a luxury, but it is one I was able to enjoy (on a scholarship) and I'd like to try and enable the same opportunities. The school have said that means-tested funding is available, so affordability is only an issue because they'll take his income and assets into account.

You have majorly fucked up by taking your son to look at an amazing school he cannot possibly attend.

You cannot force your ex to contribute towards private school fees. You also cannot force him to supply his financial information to the school to establish if your son is eligible for a bursary.

You use your savings on a decent divorce lawyer or at least a consultation with one!

Thank you - yes, already have a solicitor, but trying to keep use of her to a minimum as I can do a lot of the legwork myself. He could afford to buy me out with a remortgage. I have tried and tried and tried to have the financial conversation with him, but have been met with radio silence or anger, so yes, you are right, I probably do need to get the solicitor involved. She has already sent a letter and email to him in the past and he has simply ignored both.

Children are aware it is happening and we do take separate holidays with them already.

No, probably not, but it could give me an equitable share of income/assets and some money towards the children's needs, which would help!

Were you married?

You were cruel taking your child to school that you knew he would love to attend without discussing this with your ex beforehand. That’s actually quite nasty behaviour and to me sounds like you knew ex wouldn’t agree to pay and were hoping that ds being desperate to go would change his mind. Manipulative behaviour and unfair to your son.

You can’t afford it so he can’t go, it’s very simple.

You can’t afford it, so don’t even think about it. And 1,300 pupils is not huge for a secondary school. It’s on the small size.

Some people in active service get help with boarding school fees for their secondary-school-aged children. I thought this was to give the children some stability when the military parent was moved around for operational reasons.

Is this likely to apply to your eldest?

I’ve also heard that schools consider only the income of the parent the child lives when parents are divorced, but they may depend on the school.

Apologies that this seems vague but I do know families in both categories, I just don’t know if there are lots of other criteria which they also met but which wouldn’t apply to you.

He would be able to attend and taking our finances into account together, assuming an equitable contribution from each parent, it would be affordable, plus or minus a little financial support which the school does have available. I understand he can refuse, but what I don't understand is why he would deny DS this opportunity when it is in his best interests!!

With respect, I asked for responses to be gentle.