Separating - partner not cooperating for potential private schooling/accusing me of control

[whatsmynameagain123]

Hello. Please bear with - this is a long one. Basically, I have been living under the same roof as my partner but separated, for divorce purposes, for over two years - I earn a decent salary but cannot afford to move out and pay for my own home, bills, etc given the current division of finances. He has told me outright that I am "not getting anything" from him, yet at the same time tells me to "get out".

We have three children. STBX in the military. When we had just the one child, he paid the household bills (inc mortgage) and I paid the nursery fees when I went back to work full time at 9 months. It worked out roughly 50/50 even though he was earning more than twice my salary at the time. I was ok with that. However, as time has gone on, he has refused to pay for nursery and childcare fees on the basis that it is my choice to work full time so I should pay for it. This is despite the mortgage being fully paid off (it was only a small one over 6 years, as he had saved substantially through tour bonuses, subsidised military accommodation, etc). Our earnings have increased over time, but he still earns about 60% more than I do. I mentioned to him when our second child was coming to nursery age that I felt that the division of finances was unfair, not least because my essential outgoings were more than twice his, and are now about three times as much with the mortgage fully paid off. We have been able to take advantage of the military's wrap-around childcare scheme since it came in in 2022, but it is only this year (!!) that he has actually applied for the rebates. I have calculated that I have lost around £15k in childcare fees that we now can't get refunded because one can only claim for refunds from the last 6 months.

I also pay for most of the children's other outgoings, eg clothes, shoes, books, clubs, music/dance lessons, etc. STBX works away during the week so I buy most food we use on weekdays. Last Christmas I bought all the children's presents from Father Christmas and "us", and last year we went on a long-haul holiday and I paid for around 80% of total costs, mainly because it's me that does all the admin around bookings, etc!

Our eldest is coming to the end of primary school and we now need to decide what to do for senior school. There is only one senior school in our area (very rural) - it is huge, with over 1,300 pupils, DS is youngest in his year and one of the shortest; I have serious misgivings about sending him there as I have heard so many stories about children going off the rails there. An 11-yo died after being supplied with drugs there last year! That's not to say that his experience will be the same, and he's pretty clued up on behavioural expectations and rights/wrongs, but I do worry about peer influence and getting lost in the system and, given huge class sizes, the ability for that school to bring out his best both academically and in terms of character.

DS has an adventurous spirit and with this in mind, he and I went to view an independent school with phenomenal boarding and education facilities. It is truly world-class, and a real home from home, with outstanding welfare provision and staff who genuinely care. With some financial support, we would be in the extremely privileged position of this being a viable option. DS is quite shy and reserved at times, but lights up with the right encouragement, and did so in his interactions with teachers and boarding house staff when we visited. He is begging me to let him go there. I was much the same kind of person at his age and was very, very fortunate to attend a private senior school on full scholarship - it was transformational and I loved it.

I would dearly love for him to have this opportunity, but STBX has said I should stop applying for registration and funding "right now, because he's not going there, end of. Stop being so controlling". The irony of that last statement is not lost on me. I have asked him why he feels so strongly against it - he claims I am trying to separate DS from him, which is categorically untrue, as throughout the limited discussions we have had, I have been absolutely clear that I wish to share the parenting responsibilities. He hates the idea of private schools, Oxbridge, London, etc because those are all the things I have experienced (and thrived on) and I feel that he is trying to control the narrative.

He has said he will refuse to cooperate if I try and go down the private school route, which I am in tears about because all I want is the very best for my children - there is literally no other motive in there and I cannot seem to get that through to him!

Whilst I am more than happy to pay as much as I can afford (assuming we eventually reach a financial settlement and I can at least afford something...), the financial assistance on offer from the school would take into account both of our incomes/assets in determining what we have to pay. Clearly I would not be able to afford to pay that amount by myself, but he is adamant he wants nothing to do with it. I am not in debt at all, but I do not have substantial savings and do not have family members in a position to help financially, at least not very much.

I have spoken to professionals (mortgage advisor, my solicitor, and a friend who is a counsellor) about this situation and all have mentioned "financial coercion and control" on STBX's part. It has taken time to accept that this is the case, and I think I have probably enabled it by going with the flow rather than arguing my case more, but I have no idea what to do about it because he will not accept that his behaviour amounts to this. Whenever I ask him to contribute to significant expenditures (eg DS needs a new bike), he turns it back on me and tells me to "stop being abusive", "stop being controlling", "you're twisting the narrative" - there is literally always some kind of comeback/blaming me, even when it makes no sense at all, and it feels like I'm hitting a brick wall every time I try and talk reasonably about it.

Does anyone have any advice on how to move this forward? I do realise that the private schooling thing is a first-world problem and I am very mindful about that, but I care deeply about getting my son the very best education we possibly can, and most importantly, my son really wants this opportunity, too.

Thank you for any guidance. Please be gentle in responses - this has been hard to write 🙏🏻

Your STBXH has no duty to interpret "reasonable" the same way you do.

Private school just isn't an option unless both parents are keen or one can finance independently.

Focus on finalizing the divorce. Get your son to the normal school. Look at the options (like joining the school later) once you live on your own.

How tied are you to your current town? Would your STBX have the option of having his home location be in another location with access to a better school?

OP you appear to be very stubborn regards the private school, I'm not suprised STBX has pushed back on this, would I be correct in assuming that he didn't go to private school?

Both parents have to agree to private schooling and eventually for all three to be in private school, somewhat unfair to insist he pays for something that only you want, as others have said extremely unfair of you to 'tease' your son by taking him to the school in the first place, emotional blackmail springs to mind!!

You can’t trump his opinion on moving your DS away and sending him to boarding school, I genuinely don’t think a court would allow this.

Why can’t you compromise and DS travel there daily instead?

If you move out and put the house on the market then you can use some of the money to pay for the fees.
Buy somewhere cheap and get a smaller mortgage.

I am struggling to understand how you can’t afford to live alone but you can afford school fees - it almost sounds like you have no plans to leave the family home but you want DH to contribute to your lifestyle.

@whatsmynameagain123 I wanted our ds2 to attend private secondary school (not a very expensive one- and not boarding) close to where we live. I didn't mention anything to him before having talked to his father. It was quite sneaky of you to have visited the school with your ds before having talked to his dad. Also cruel to ds to get his hopes up.

Having said that I do think you are being financially abused and it would be better to focus on getting a fair divorce settlement instead of muddling the waters by bringing up private school costs.

Is it really a wise thing to be sending a child away from home into a totally (for him) unknown situation, whilst his parents are separating?
Maybe send DS away for his Alevels, when parents have sorted themselves out & the child is more mature.
Also, you could, if his birthday truly is late in the school yr, hold him back a year…..maybe look into that?

Sorry you're going through such a difficult time. I think the crux of the issue is that you're hoping STBXH will behave in a fair way which prioritises your son. But he's not that man and you can't make him into that man. It's really sad but you can only deal with the realities here

So what? Plenty of kids want things their parents cannot afford to provide for them.

Your son will not be going to private school. You need to help him accept that and get him prepared for the state comprehensive he will be attending.

Sometimes we have to say no to our children. He’s clearly really mature in understanding his needs and what he could achieve with this opportunity but I just think without two parents committing to contribution, it doesn’t sound doable for you on your own, which it will be.

Whilst I don’t disagree with you wanting to offer him this, I don’t think your ExH is going to agree by what you have said so far. I am not sure of the legalities either but post divorce I can’t see him being forced to commit to this either as it is not maintaining status quo.

As others have commented, I think you need to prioritise getting your own place first and finalising the divorce/maintenance etc. Given what you said about your local schools, doing this may mean you could move closer to a more appropriate school maybe?

Your totally missing the elephant in the room
You say we can afford it ..if he pays more
But you and him are not a "we" any more ..you are separated,going to divorce
You have no say what he spends his money on.
You need to work out where you are going to live ..
Can you stay long term in the house when you are divorced???
In your shoes I'd be renting a place near a very good secondary school
Maybe a bit nearer your parents if possible
Or as you have savings if be looking at part own part rent houses,and spending your savings on a mortgage so you can visit UC and get a child maintenance claim in
Regardless of money ..you can't send ds to private school if his dad disagrees with the idea of it ..both parents have to agree
You need to start looking at state secondary schools a bit further away ,and find somewhere to move to asap ,so you can put his name down

Then you need to get on with the divorce. You should be entitled to half the equity in the house and any investments etc. Get a good incisive solicitor involved forget about the previous division of finances and concentrate on moving forwards. See where you are with education when you know more about the financial settlement.

No - he is not acting in what you see as the DS best interest. He doesn't want his children to go to private school then he's entitled to say that and not pay for it.
As a matter of interest you say you went to private school did your DH ? Has he got a thing of "I went to state school and did alright, so why can't my children"?

‘He hates the idea of private schools’

Seriously, this is not someone that you are going to be able to ‘persuade’ that they are great!

I suspect the best interests of your children would be to split and not live together. Then figure the rest out.

Regardless of how abhorrent your STBX is, you’ve done a solid on him. Your DS now knows his opportunity for a ‘better’ education/life has been taken from him by his DF. Unless I have read this wrong.

Your love for your DS isn’t to be questioned and you believe this school would be in his best interests and his siblings’. But it’s a pipe dream. I’m so sorry.

This.

Your STBX for all his faults may regard private schooling as an unnaffordable luxury or just a waste of money. If he didn't go to a private school himself, he may not see things the way you do.

Clearly school fees can be a long term financial millstone, not to be undertaken lightly . He is actually being smart by not agreeing- as I understand it if the child is already enrolled by both parents, the Courts could possibly factor in liability for fees in the settlement. I don't believe a Court would order anyone to enrol a child and then pay for such schooling (despite the judiciary being disproportionately public schooled!)

I am wondering what support or advice you were hoping for from this thread? As far as I can see, it’s a done deal-it won’t be happening.

Your husband doesn’t want his son to go to private school and will not be paying, were you hoping for some tricks to try to help persuade him?

You really need to forget about the idea of private school. You can add extra tutoring and clubs/classes outside of school to help all of your children get the most out of any education. You should have already started the divorce. Your husband doesn't get to decide what you get from him in divorce the court does. Also look into a forensic accountant because he may well have hidden things.

This is exactly how I feel.
Respectfully you need to divorce him and involve your solicitor to get a financial settlement. At the moment with you all essentially living as a family he has no need to sit down and talk and sort it and it sounds like he won’t any way. Once a settlement has been agreed then you need to see if you can fund the private education. Not him. Your DS isn’t in private education so a settlement isn’t going to take potential school fees into account. It just isn’t. And your ExH isn’t going to agree or change his mind - he has said so. So essentially after a financial settlement has been officially agreed and acted on you need to see if it is a possibility then. However, I would definitely not give only one of my children the privilege of a private education so I would only head down this path if you know you (singular) can definitely fund it long term for all three.
I would possibly find a solicitor who can bring this to a conclusion for you then you know from what position you are actually acting. Good luck.

has academic performance at the national average.

So in other words it's an OK school?

If children are performing at the national average there then should be a good percentage achieving the highest grades. Why wouldn't your son do well there?

All the schools local to me perform at the national average but some pupils still get fistfuls of 8s and 9s at GCSE.

You can’t just say someone who won’t cover three sets of private schools fees after divorce isn’t behaving ‘in a fair way’. This would be out of the reach of most.

I think that's your answer then. Your current situation sounds really frustrating and unsustainable?

Could you look at moving somewhere (maybe it would have to be a smaller place) with better state school provision. If your boy is bright enough to get into the top sets, he should do well. You could supplement that with something like sports, drama clubs. He could then go to a sixth form college, they specialise in A levels, and uni applications, and are supposed to be a stepping stone to the next stage.

It's not easy, but step by step x Maybe he would pay more to keep you in the area and that might involve sending your son to the school you both like. But he sounds like he's using finances to punish you and has always been a miser so maybe that is not a realistic suggestion.

Im also concerned that whilst you are paying for everything and he pays very little that you are diminishing your window of opportunity of saving for the future and for the DC's future. What an idiot he is to not allow you to claim for childcare when it was available and to deny you the chance of subsidised schooling. Its pure spite and that's more important to him than his children's welfare.

I haven’t read the whole thread and I know there’s a lot more to it but just worth a mention that a lot of private schools offer significant discounts for military families even ex military. Might be worth looking into to make it more affordable.

The problem is it’s not about WE can afford
now though if you are divorcing and he’s not on board.

It is more about you YOU can afford once properly divorced, money split and living apart. (Perhaps you will then be eligible for more financial support so you can afford it on your own?)

I hope you get a fair split and he sounds awful but if he doesn't agree to your child going to boarding school then you can't make that decision.

I really don't think you have any chance of trying to legally enforce your DH to agree to paying towards private school fees. But if he pays maintenance you could put that towards school fees. Maybe grandparents will be willing to contribute. Unless he has a change of heart or money comes from another source I can't see private schooling being an option.