Any tips for a stepparent

[Anagomez]

My partner and I recently moved in together. I have a son but he's off in university. He has a 10 y/o daughter.
I do try to connect with her and she does want to do things with me but I'm having difficulty with her attitude. She talks back a lot and not just to me but to any adult.
I came from a household of chores and picking up after yourself. She's not used to any of that. She doesn't do chores and gets upset when asked to help or pick up after herself.
Her dad is ok with getting her to do chores and said he's trying to get her to do it but he doesn't ask her, it falls on me to ask her . So all her anger goes to me. For a bit I tried to get him to tell her because she probably doesn't want to hear it from me. But he says I can tell her to do stuff too. I did and she was rude and got mad.
I'm trying to leave all the discipline and asking her to do things to her dad. I've decided to step back and just let him handle it. But because I can't ask her to do anything I've taken on everything at the house.
Any tips on how to handle this?

Do you honestly think moving in together is a good idea? She's 10, and used to getting her own way. If you try to change that you will be the wicked stepmother no matter how reasonable you are. And your partner is already offloading parenting on to you. That doesn't bode well.

Have you sold your home yet? Could you move back, and be together/apart ?

I really wouldn’t have moved in with him, this isn’t going to end well.

You're already resenting her and annoyed with him.
I don't think that moving in together was a good idea. This is only going to get worse.

My top tip would be to sort out your contraception, as you do not want a baby with an already proven crap dad.

Seems like he would have known this before you moved in. Can you move back out?

I think you should follow his lead.

It's a lot of change for her to adjust to, do you really want your arrival in her home to be associated (in her mind) with extra chores and another adult bossing her around?

If you didn't like the way he's raising her, you probably shouldn't have moved in at all. It's not going to end well if you try to turn things around yourself.

If her father isn’t going to set expectations and boundaries, then she’s not likely to accept them being introduced by a woman she’s not related to.

I remember your other thread about the girl's mother.
It sounds like there's a lot of tension in your set up.

Also, on this point specifically;

But because I can't ask her to do anything I've taken on everything at the house.

Why are you asking an 8yo and not him? Why isn't he doing at least half without being asked???

You're already taking her to school every day - why doesn't her dad do this?

Is this another nanny with a fanny set up?

I would move out.

Imagine how she will be as teenager with attitude.
Run, now.

Stop trying to connect tbh. Youre some woman who gets to live with her dad all the time and is now in her space and muscling in on her family. Resentment is there. Try and loosen the reins for the beginning so she can get used to it. Or you’re in for the fight of your life.

Your husband is the issue here not the 10 year old. He needs to be doing more chores. She’s not your Cinderella but that’s how she feels. Introduce chores when your relationship has been built and she’s a little more settled.

Exactly this!

Why are you expecting a little girl to do chores? What do you mean by “chores”? Is she Cinderella?

Just because you did things a certain way as a child and were made to skivvy doesn’t mean it’s right to impose it on a child who isn’t yours.

The decision as to whether she does chores or not is not yours to make.

Of course your DH will be the one cleqning up after her not you.

Get out of there.
He gets angry with you?

You have made a huge mistake.
Why would you want to settle for this?

We've been together for 4 years now, we thought it was time to move in together. I am having second thoughts now that this was a mistake.
I love my husband but he's not much for chores either, he's the kind that puts things off until finally the sink is full with dishes. So in a way I can't blame his daughter for not being used to cleaning up.
So I will look like a bad guy

Live separately and just do the fun stuff together. There's nothing in it for you being a step mum. You sound like another nanny with a fanny. He can't even wash up. Get out now.

Is he a DP or a DH? You have described him as both.

We're not married by paper but we consider each other as such

You're the second person to say this and it sounds accurate

You are not married.
He's selfish and lazy and a shit father.
No surprise his child is modelling what she sees.

This is your life if that is all you think you deserve.

Anyone with an ounce of sense would be gone.
Who cares what someone who is using you thinks.

Honestly I do think life is way top short to be doing all this step parenting shift. I mean, just why do women do it, so utterly thankless.

Shit not shift!

How often is she with you and what chores are you expecting her to do?
My 11 year old for example has to tidy her room, put clothes away, carry her plate to the kitchen after eating, sometimes hoover and do the dishwasher, stuff like that.

Also what do you mean you’ve taken on everything at the house? What’s your DP doing? You can’t expect a 10 year old child to pick up his slack