Any tips for a stepparent

[Anagomez]

My partner and I recently moved in together. I have a son but he's off in university. He has a 10 y/o daughter.
I do try to connect with her and she does want to do things with me but I'm having difficulty with her attitude. She talks back a lot and not just to me but to any adult.
I came from a household of chores and picking up after yourself. She's not used to any of that. She doesn't do chores and gets upset when asked to help or pick up after herself.
Her dad is ok with getting her to do chores and said he's trying to get her to do it but he doesn't ask her, it falls on me to ask her . So all her anger goes to me. For a bit I tried to get him to tell her because she probably doesn't want to hear it from me. But he says I can tell her to do stuff too. I did and she was rude and got mad.
I'm trying to leave all the discipline and asking her to do things to her dad. I've decided to step back and just let him handle it. But because I can't ask her to do anything I've taken on everything at the house.
Any tips on how to handle this?

Your stepdaughter isn't the problem here, your DP is.

What she's displaying is absolutely normal behaviour for her age, but appropriate parenting is needed to shape her into a nice and functioning adult. Your DP is expecting you to do that, as well as everything else you're doing. That's not fair on you or his daughter, and you're unlikely to build a good relationship with her like this.

You only get one life, is this how you want to live it?

So move back out and only be prepared to move back in AFTER he has already changed and helped his daughter to change (a.k.a never)

@Anagomez I recently posted a thread on here about similar and I had to ask MN to remove it due to all the hateful comments I got even though I am 3 months post-partum and clearly struggling mentally and physically.

My parter has 2 kids who are with us more and more and my issue was that all the parenting was being pushed onto me which started making me think I resent the kids.

Other than the absolutely disgusting comments I got about ‘don’t marry someone with children’ ‘shouldn’t have had have a babe with someone with children’ and as far as ‘evil stepmother’ / ‘you’re a b*tch’ / ‘those poor children’ some people gave some really good advice.

It’s not SD’s fault, she has been allowed to act this way with no consequences. I have similar issues at home and I am trying to rectify these before my baby is old enough to copy.

I have banned iPads in my house and bought books, board games etc.
I don’t label chores as chores (even though I got chores when I was young).
I have non-negotiable chores like make your own bed/put dirty clothes in the basket/tidy up your toys (or you don’t get them next time).
I have created a chart to earn stars for who helps around the house the most including helping making dinner, clearing plates, wiping up etc.

I think it takes away from being chores etc and makes it a bit fun.

As for your partner, he needs to be backing you up!! I have the same problem and it really undermines you.

People advised me to step back from doing chores for them but on the other hand people said I was cruel if I did this.

I’m afraid you can’t win with people on the internet. I hope you find you rhythm ♥️

I'm also very tidy @Anagomez and I understand how you feel.

This isn't really a problem with the DD but it's with her dad.

IME untidy people never change.
You're not compatible with this man and I think you'd be much happier living apart.

Sounds like you have higher expectations of the child than her father which is madness.

But often the core issue with problematic step situations.