Any tips for a stepparent

[Anagomez]

My partner and I recently moved in together. I have a son but he's off in university. He has a 10 y/o daughter.
I do try to connect with her and she does want to do things with me but I'm having difficulty with her attitude. She talks back a lot and not just to me but to any adult.
I came from a household of chores and picking up after yourself. She's not used to any of that. She doesn't do chores and gets upset when asked to help or pick up after herself.
Her dad is ok with getting her to do chores and said he's trying to get her to do it but he doesn't ask her, it falls on me to ask her . So all her anger goes to me. For a bit I tried to get him to tell her because she probably doesn't want to hear it from me. But he says I can tell her to do stuff too. I did and she was rude and got mad.
I'm trying to leave all the discipline and asking her to do things to her dad. I've decided to step back and just let him handle it. But because I can't ask her to do anything I've taken on everything at the house.
Any tips on how to handle this?

Get out now op. This won’t get better. His DD isn’t even a teen yet, it will only get worse! Maintain the relationship from different houses if you want, but you are only going to be more and more miserable if you stay in the current set up.

Just basic things like cleaning up her toys, picking up her clothes on the bathroom floor, brushing her hair properly, help carrying one of the grocery bags, brushing her teeth properly - she doesn't like doing it at all or taking advic. I asked her to dust and she was very angry about it because she wanted to just play. I wanted her to even take out the garbage but her father doesn't ask her so I do and so I look like the bad guy because I remind him that it's her responsibility.

So I clean the house, bathroom etc. I also cook, walk the dog, do laundry.

I spend most of the day with her because I drop her off and pick her up and then wait until he gets home and I have to cook them dinner. And yes, I also work.

Im really afraid of this. That it'll get worse.

I've been with my partner for 12 years and we still live separately! Why does anyone think it's a good idea to try and blend families, there's enough threads on here to put anyone off. I've read a few today!
Fuck that.
Maintain separate homes. It works for us.

What did I just read?
So I clean the house, bathroom etc. I also cook, walk the dog, do laundry.
I spend most of the day with her because I drop her off and pick her up and then wait until he gets home and I have to cook them dinner.
Why the hell would you accept this? What is in it for you in this arrangement? Move back out!
If you still want to live together, my red lines would be he does ALL childcare, half the cleaning, washing, cooking (to my standard). I would make a point not to be alone with his daughter or give her instructions - all parenting left to dad. Don’t do pick up and drop off (part of don’t be alone). Be a slightly distant big sister/ aunt figure.
But honestly if it were me I wouldn’t bother, I’d just move back out.

Most of those “chores” are actually self-care so it’s concerning she hasn’t been taught the importance of looking after herself.

However I think it’s shitty to start a child out on the nasty chores like taking out the rubbish.

Either way it is her dad’s responsibility to set an example and set expectations. Frankly, if the model she sees in her own home is that women do all the work and men get off scot-free, it’s not surprising she’s not keen to become part of the system.

Yeah I see them as self care and responsibilities.. But I guess he didn't do he never taught her

I'm trying to be accepting that we live differently. He was never one to clean up or organize. He waited until it piled up and can no longer be ignored. So it's like I'm pushing them to be different and it's inconvenient for them. And I feel like I'm being unreasonable asking his daughter to do things properly.

Your actual problem is your DP not his DD. You need to stop doing all the housework and cooking, that’s ridiculous.
Tidying up her toys and clothes is fine but dusting and taking out the rubbish is a step too too far if she’s never been used to doing any chores. Of course a 10 year old can do those things but there should be a discussion between you and her father about what chores she should have to do, and he should be enforcing it not you.
Her teeth and hair are also things her parents should be dealing with not you.
To be honest I’d leave, your DP sounds like a useless father and selfish partner.

Do you really want to live that way?

I’m very organised and tidy; I like a clean space and it’s important for my mental wellbeing, I hate half-finished jobs, and I don’t like having a to-do list that’s longer than my capacity to tackle it.

I would never move in with someone like your partner as it would be obvious that I would just end up doubling my workload and becoming stressed and resentful. Did you think he would change when you moved in?

Fuck that for a laugh! Move out, you're a glorified housekeeper!

Absolutely fine to push your DP to be a grown up and do chores. In fact have a go at him about being a lazy fucker.

But the little girl isn’t yours to train.

Turn around and run. If she’s like this now, imagine the teenage years?

I speak from experience, just don’t do it. It’s not worth it.

As a two times step parent my only advice is don’t even try, just get out. Live separately. You’ll never win. You’ll never have a life of happy families. I’m not being cynical I’m talking from experience. I really tried hard to be a good step mum. I’m still a step mum to grown up children now with their own lives and families. You have to keep yourself separate in order to survive and have a decent life for yourself and with your step children and with your partner

I am thinking that maybe it is better that we live apart. We can still be together but maybe it's not in it for us to live together

this is absolutely ridiculous. He is absolutely taking the piss. you're basically a nanny with a fanny and you're probably paying also for this privilege of being his skivvy.

Move back out and end this relationship he has nothing to offer you. He is just using you.

You and I are the same. I need things tidy and clean if not I get flustered and I can't relax.

I was hoping he'd change.. He said he knew he would and he says he's trying to get his daughter to too. But I understand it's hard for her to since she follows what her dad does.. Her mother isn't that neat either, she leaves clothes on the floor and the kitchen dirty. So for me to be an example to her will be hard

You should never partner based on potential. For something like that, which would have an immediate effect on my time and stress levels, I would need to see change before moving.

All you can do now is to make clear to your partner the absolute necessity of change happening and give him a timeline after which you will move back out.

I agree

i I never understand why people put their own relationships ahead of children’s feelings - it is utterly selfish no wonder she’s not responding well to it!

Someone mentioned this to me too that I need a timeline until I really give up or move out. Just for my own sanity

You and I are the same. I need things tidy and clean if not I get flustered and I can't relax.
I was hoping he'd change.. He said he knew he would and he says he's trying to get his daughter to too. But I understand it's hard for her to since she follows what her dad does.. Her mother isn't that neat either, she leaves clothes on the floor and the kitchen dirty. So for me to be an example to her will be hard

People are trying to get by op, I’d hate to know my ex’s dp was judging me like this and to be fair you sound the extreme polar opposite- a ten year old shouldn’t be putting bins out and dusting, putting their stuff away yes, self care, of course but not everyone is stringent and rigid, especially when a ten year old has enough to deal with (a split family and new set up)

This to a degree. She should be making her bed or putting her school shoes away, clearing a table after dinner or whatever-but outside of that how many ‘chores’ are a family of three generating that op is finding it difficult to do half of. I say half of as I assume the dad here is doing the other half? If not then you are asking (and resenting) the wrong family member re the workload. Start with the other adult in the house.

Big decisions about moving a relationship forward should be made based on compatibility not time spent.

Especially when there's children involved.

When my dh (then dp) moved in it was a very slow process in terms of his responsibilities around my kids. I would say it was at least a year before he did any significant childcare (started looking after them 1 night a week) and probably around 3-4 years before he got involved with discipline and even then he followed my lead.
Why are you doing most of the care? How did he manage before? You shouldn’t be telling his dd even with his permission it’s damaging your relationship with her.
You need to sit down together and you need to tell him it’s not working and try to reach a compromise. If you can’t then you should move out.

It was a terrible idea to move in together since you’re not compatible (step)parenting wise and domestically.

I’m baffled how you ended up in a nanny with a fanny set up. Don’t sacrifice your happiness in order to be bad cop for a child who will think that reasonable expectations like picking clothes off the floor is picking on her like evil stepmothers in fairy tales. You are with a lazy man who should be teaching her the basics but happy to make you bad cop.

If you don’t want to break up, move out and don’t hang out with SD too.