DS5 is horrible to my mum

[leopard23]

Will try not to drip feed so might be a bit long… would love any advice here!

My 5yo is horribly behaved around and towards my mum (his granny). She has always been an incredible support and we’re so lucky to have her. She had him from the age of 1 until he was 3, 3 days a week, while we worked. So he’s spent a huge amount of time with her and has always adored her. They had lovely days out together and it was as good as it gets!

His behaviour has got trickier as he gets older - he doesn’t do a thing he’s told. Often defiant, have to ask him multiple times to do something like get dressed. But imo this behaviour is in line with age etc.

However, he’s horrible to my mum. She picks him up from school 3 days a week and between pickup and 5pm when I get home, he’s really abusive. Hitting, pushing, spitting, swearing?! I don’t know where he gets it as he’s not like this with us.

we have a 2yo DD also who my mum obviously loves, and I often wonder whether he feels jealous. My mum’s not as considerate as we are with language and will often say things like “DD wouldn’t treat granny like this” etc.

anyway… I don’t know what to do. I try to talk to him and it goes in one ear and out the other, happens again the next day. I’ve said if it continues he’ll go to after school club, explained how lucky he is to have his granny picking him up. My mum’s is genuinely lovely to them and I can’t figure out why he’s acting like this. Help!

Do you ever pick him up from school at that time? Could it just be decompression from school? My kids were tricky straight out of school and needed a snack and a run around and to be left alone. Never the same when I picked them up from after school club, much calmer and chattier despite that being later.

You can’t keep exposing your mum to this. I would say after school club until things are resolved.

Hmm, my DS is the same age and has just started reception so I second making sure he has a snack/even dinner as soon as he gets home.

However, DS would be in for an absolute bollocking if I heard he had sworn, hit or spat at his granny. I would ensure he cried and toys and privileges would be taken away with a very severe consequence threatened if he was to do it again. I would also give Granny powers to put him in time out/punishment of her own and make sure he knows he would also be in further trouble with me when I came to collect him.

Just from your OP, it doesn’t sound like there are many consequences for his behaviour- just a couple of chats and a vague threat of after school club. Don’t worry too much at trying to work out why he’s behaving that way - it’s likely he is just tired, hungry and grumpy from a full day at school and granny is a bit more of a pushover than you, but regardless of his feelings, you need to make it very clear that his behaviour is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.

I dont think i would be careful with my words either. How awful. She cant be expected to deal with that. But a childminder would probably to refuse to put up with it for money so I guess she has no choice. You might not mind now but a few more years and it will stop being a granny problem and be a son problem.

I'd be reading him the riot act and making sure it landed. None of these "little chats" that people are so fond of these days, I'd be furious with him and make sure he knew it.

Everything he cared about would be taken away and he would be spending evenings in his room until he knew how to behave.

After school club is also something I would consider as an alternative to him being picked up by Granny and abusing her. Especially if he didn't want to go. I'd give him no choice and he would be well aware of why.

What are the consequences for behaving like that? Comparing his behaviour to that of his sister is a pretty crappy thing to do.

shes not being careless with her words.

You dd wouldn’t treat her like that and nor should he.

Yes, kids that have started school can struggle straight from school and that’s likely what he’s communicating. But he cannot be allowed to continue this way.

He needs a hard line whip approach.

He has 1 week to stop or he’ll go to ASC as it’s absolutely NOT on.

He may find ASC is better for his needs at this stage and so it’s win win.

What is he like at school and at home?

Spitting???

There is no way that I would subject my mum to this. Stern talking to and if no change then after school club it is.

I know that doesn't solve the problem exactly/ get to the root causes and I'm sorry I don't have advice for that. But it's really not fair to your mum (or your DC tbh, who will be getting the message that this is tolerable behaviour) for this to continue.

I try to talk to him and it goes in one ear and out the other, happens again the next day.

At 5 years old he's old enough for suitable punishments.

Or 'consequences' as they're called nowadays.

But simply talking to him isn't working, is it?

Hitting, pushing, spitting and swearing at his grandmother is decompression?? I don’t think so, and I don’t care what it is, she doesn’t deserve that. Put him in after school club OP. And he stays even if he doesn’t like it.

Agreed

And it's hardly 'tricky' behaviour.

This is hugely minimizing it.

Thanks for the replies - helpful responses! To be clear he’s getting a proper telling off for this, not just a talking to. He’s had toys taken away etc because of it. It just doesn’t seem to sink in. We try and use direct consequences where possible and obviously the direct consequence of this is granny not picking him up anymore and having to go to after school club. Ive just checked with a school friend and the after school club is currently over subscribed… so will be a waitlist situation for that. We obviously have to work so need to find an interim solution.

His behaviour at home is generally fine. We have to ask him multiple times to do things and he can be reactive (shouting if we say no to something he wants), but I wouldn’t say I’m worried about it beyond these problems with my mum. He’s sweet to us, generally very kind to his sister (minus general sibling disputes - not sharing; want what she’s got etc). At school, by all accounts, he’s an angel. Never had a peep of concern other than that he’s quiet.

Re the spitting - I KNOW! I don’t know where on earth it’s come from. I was really shocked by that. It’s like he’s got it in for her and I just don’t know why. She’s made an effort in recent weeks to do stuff alone with him (go skateboarding or to the beach or something he enjoys) to try and eliminate this jealousy angle we were working on.

What is the consequence for this behaviour if I can’t get him into ASC? I can’t leave work at 3pm everyday and it’s so devastating as my mum really is a star in helping us so much and so happily. I don’t want her to have to endure abuse, nor do I want DD to witness it tbh.

He's punishing dgm for not being you...

As a granny myself, I’d be telling my son/daughter that I wouldn’t be putting up with it any longer! Fuck that!

ffs , step up and parent him ! I bet you go home and talk about his big emotions, whilst not backing Granny up.

Agree. He obviously isn't happy with your mum. Does he do this at school? Swearing isn't acceptable where does he get that from?

Terrible behaviour from DS. This child is old enough for appropriate punishments. He needs consequences for his actions and fast. Little “ chats” rarely work imo (and it is just an opinion)

It isn’t fair to subject your poor mum to this torrent of abuse. After school club seems the next best option to me?

My kids school doesn't have an after-school club so I pay for a private nursery near by that picks up from the local school and keeps the children until 5 or 6pm depending. Worth checking out locally? It's about £10 a session

£10 for the nursery to collect and then look after for 2.5 hours?

Erm we have 3 x 5 yr olds and not one would be allowed to act this way towards anybody and don't have a problem at home with them doing jobs,getting ready etc.

So essentially you tell him you are going to ask Granny for a 'report'. Then soon after pick up, you call her and ask for an update. And she makes it very clear that she is telling you how he's behaving. And when you turn up, the very first question you ask in front of him is how he behaved. Nothing else. And if he was horrible, you take him home in silence, and you are kind and you put him to bed, but there is no 'fun mum', and no stories and nothing.

And so she gives him a warning, your phone call is a second warning and then if he continues to behave badly, he doesn't get to be a good boy for mum.
An earlier PP is right- he's punishing your mum because she's not you. And in some way or another he thinks that he can get away with it- that she won't tell you, or she will minimise it etc.

Two other things: ask your mum what pick is up is like. It may be he wants no chat, no demands. So she picks him up, doesn't ask him questions, hands him a snack and they walk him in silence. And that allows him to decompress. When I pick my kids up they are usually hungry and not in need of any interaction. So it might be that she's cheerful and chatty and he can't articulate that he just needs quiet (doesn't excuse his behaviour at all). But maybe suggest that to your mum?

And finally, find some time when he's with your mum outside of this. So on a weekend you can say, I'm popping to shops and granny will be here with you for 15 mins. Here is what you can and cannot do. I will be texting granny and asking her about you when you return. Which reinforces to him that you are on the same page as your mum.

@WonderingWanda "Do you ever pick him up from school at that time? Could it just be decompression from school?"

Seriously? If my son had hit, pushed, spat, kicked and sworn at me on a regular basis (or at all) when I picked him up from school I would've thought the need for "decompression" was the very least of our worries.

You've listed some behaviours that you say are "normal" for his age, repeatedly ignoring you, shouting when hes told no etc.. I just wonder if you are minimising his bad behaviour... Seems to me the discipline needs tightening up.