How to help ds cope with this disappointment

[Irissnow85]

Ds has just started secondary school. Football is his life, he plays at a high standard and is a good solid player. He is never going to be professional- I’m not deluded, but he had a scout from a premiership club actually come and watch him personally twice a few years ago, nothing came of it but I mention that purely to put in context that he does have a good level of ability. For the first match there was an A team, B team and C team. He got put in the A team straightaway after trials for the first match, he did amazing at the trials and was one of the first few names to be taken down. At the match he was sub first, and then got 45 minutes then taken off again, it wasn’t his best but the coach had said well done to him a few times so he didn’t think it went terribly and he hadn’t stropped about being subbed or anything silly like that, his attitude remained good throughout as it should do . Fast forward to a couple of weeks later and the schools football coach has decided the next three fixtures right now, and not included my son in any of them, he has also put some boys that were previously b team on the a team (fair enough) and even some boys who were on the c team onto the a team, this is the part that has completely shattered by boys confidence. He was one of just two who were just dropped from the a team completely for all fixtures. Might have cushioned the blow if there was some b team matches arranged for those who didn’t make a team but theres nothing. It’s so brutal to do that to an 11-year-old with no explanation and now he has the absolute gutting feeling of watching ALL his mates play and being dropped in favour of people who weren’t even making the b team just two short weeks ago. I am so heartbroken for him, I guess I’m venting here to stop myself from contacting the school, which I know would be excessive and stupid and probably wouldn’t help my child in anyway, but how do you deal with seeing your child absolutely broken without a second thought by an adult? I think deciding the next three fixtures in one go like that was particularly cruel. My poor boy sobbed. It would have been easier to deal with had he not been picked for the a team in the first place. Not sure how to help him through this, it’s really made him not even want to go to school tomorrow 😩

That seems very odd.

I think there are ways to ask without being challenging-
"what can I do to play" "what can I work on" etc

Are you sure there isn't more to it?

I'm not a football mum, but organising a team for 3 matches doesn't seem that excessive from my perspective - surely the team will never get a chance to get better if its never the same core group, at least for a few matches.

Dd is much more into singing/dancing and we always prep her before any auditions to be really clear that even her best performances won't secure a part if she's not what they're looking for so I would tell him that now that maybe he's just not part of the right mix for the team. Then give him the choice of wanting to carry on going to football club if he wants to try, or does he think that he'd like to try a different club.

Has he dealt with much disappointment in sport before?

Well he hurt his ankle so he had to miss one training session, so I guess it could be down to that in some way, but he hurt it running for the school so the coach knew why he had to miss that particular training session. He went to training today as usual.

It’s the nature of sport I’m afraid. I remember not being picked for the netball team and I was gutted. I cried all the way home. But I worked hard and got selected 3 weeks later and ended up getting school colours for 5 years for netball.

so let him be down, let him vent and be sad, and then let that anger turn to motivation. We can’t always smooth the road for our kids, we need to teach them to deal with the bumps

No, he hasn’t had to deal with this level of disappointment before in sport. I really hope he will turn it into a positive determination, it’s just how to get him to do this.

Just tell him to keep going to training, keep having fun / working hard and likely he will be picked again at some point. I expect the coach wants to see a range of players at this stage. Its a bit unusual picking a team or team/s for three matches in my experience but I am sure there is a good reason.

We've been very clear with dd that she doesn't get to leave performing arts club due to a part she doesn't want. If she wanted to leave because she's not enjoying it, fine, but if she was happy to do the show as the lead, she's doing it as third from the left in the back.row.

I'd suggest taking a similar line and very heavily encouraging him to remain until at least christmas

lt was a real punch to the gut for an 11-year-old to be ruled out of all three in one fell swoop like that.

I am encouraging him to stay and work hard in the garden and at his club in the meantime, I just have a sinking suspicion that for whatever reason, the coach has decided he’s out.

Oh, I can just imagine your Ds feels devastated, and you too, quite understandably. I mean, it's early days - is the coach maybe just getting a feeling of who's playing to what kind of standard? If so, teams will tend to chop and change and perhaps there just isn't the resource in ds school to give everyone a chance to play every time. But, can you help ds out by saying eg. "Look, the coach has seen you play so let's just see how things shake down as the term goes on." Also, does he play outside school? If there's a local team or club for his age group, this could be a gift.
It's a mean old world out there, but he'll be ok!

Email and ask to clarify. It seems very harsh.

yes he does play outside of school at a high level, it is his passion which is why it is so so gutting for him. It’s so much worse that he was put in the a team and then dropped than it would have been if he’d been put in the b team. Even his friend- who made the a team again- text him and said I can’t believe they didn’t pick you for any of the three, or the people they picked over you! That was sweet of him.

Good point ' keep having fun' - this is v important.

Every fibre of my being is screaming to email and ask, but I asked my son if he wanted me to and he said no, I feel like I’ve got to respect that. Plus I’m sure it probably wouldn’t do him any favours with the coach and I don’t want to make things even worse for him 😞

Yes, I think this is worth doing.

In our experience it’s parr for the course in year 7. It’s a tough time.

ds was in the rugby A team, then the B team and also a sub for the B team at times.

He was always a decent player, plugged away and was reliable at training and matches. Eventually he was first XV captain in sixth form.

He was in a 9 form entry state school. There were way more keen kids than places on the teams. Small things impress teachers and they have a huge amount of kids to get to know in a very short space of time. Tell your DS to keep his head up. Be reliable turning up for training and work hard. Things will sort themselves out.

From what you’ve said he didn’t play his best in the first match then missed practice due to injury. So I don’t know that it’s that surprising that they’ve chosen other boys this time. It’s also early in the term and they might want to give others a chance and could well be prioritising attendance at training. Obviously it’s going to be disappointing for him, especially if it’s the next 3 matches (no doubt there are logistical reasons for setting the teams for all 3 ahead of time) but he should give it his all at practice and every chance he’ll be moved up for future fixtures. Mine are at a prep so they learned this all the hard way at age 8. He’ll be fine. I know it’s hard but don’t email the school and be that parent.

yes he does play outside of school at a high level, it is his passion which is why it is so so gutting for him.
And what level is the school at?
If he could only play for one - club or school - which would he pick?

OP as a fellow soccer mom this sounds strange to me. I’ve honestly never heard of a child being dropped from the A team to no team at all. What’s the point of B and C teams if it’s not to give all the children a chance to play ? If there are too many players to give everyone a game each week then the children get rotated. No one sits out for three games in a row at that age and especially when there are three levels at which to play.

If he was previously in the A team, then it’s not possible that he’s now not good enough to be in the C team. So the coach can’t be choosing on merit, and I think it’s fair enough to seek to understand what the coach’s criteria are. Of course they can’t all get picked all the time and our children need to understand that and learn how to deal with it. But that doesn’t mean, at this age, that it shouldn’t be a fair system and a reasonably transparent one. The children need to know what they can do to improve their chances of being picked. This sounds like an arbitrary and unfair whim, which is a different challenge from accepting that one isn’t good enough or didn’t fit requirements.

Personally I would consider approaching the school. Not to storm or rage but to quietly understand what the coach’s decision is based on as it’s clearly not merit.

High level probably is the wrong way to phrase it and makes it sound better than what I am referring to. His club go between the top division and second division of the local league, of which there are about 12 divisions in total, so he plays a decent standard of football, there are boys in that team who play in divisions below this.

I honestly don’t know which he would pick if he had to chose, getting on the school team means everything to him but he loves to play at weekend too. Loving his club doesn’t make this disappointment any easier for him to accept.

Sorry I’ve probably not worded this the best, there is no b team or c team for the next three fixtures, just one a team. The reason I mentioned the b and c team is that one- people who were on the c team have been moved up to a team, and secondly- the fact that there is no b team or c team for the next three fixtures has also added to devastation because representing the school has been taken away entirely. I have an older child at the school so I know they don’t often do b and c team fixture anyway. I think it was a first fixture type thing.

I don’t think he played badly, he was just absolutely stellar in the trial, although he didn’t start the match and was taken off after 45 minutes, he played the most minutes of anyone in that position, and two other boys shared the other half.

Tell your son this: My kid didn’t win the football award at school ever. He plays for a cat 1 academy and internationally. He also played every school game and the year up. They literally let him have time off school to travel to international camps.

These are PE coaches not England managers. They don’t always know what good looks like and can get it wrong.

My worry is more about the devastation and you being heartbroken. It’s disappointing but football is about opinions. It’s isn’t right or wrong. The PE teachers opinion is that he wasn’t good enough - that doesn’t make him a bad player nor does it mean he shouldn’t play.

The comparisons and levels are irrelevant. His love of football doesnt change. Neither does his ability.

A lot of coaches have rules about if you don’t train you don’t play. This is actually fair whether your kid is okay to play or not. My kid isn’t allowed to play if he didn’t train twice before the game that week (so not injuries but illness for example).

I can see why the coaches benched him. Yeah it sucks but from what you have said he didn’t play well and missed training and was injured.

He works hard and proves them wrong next time.

He did miss a training session but he was injured representing the school at something else, the coach was informed why he was missing training, if that is the reason then it seems extremely harsh.