'Normal Fred' and concerns about starting school

[Diddleydo43]

Dc4 has always been a bit off the standard, fits the definition of 'spirited' if you understand that.
Only child, both parents at home, settled background though Dad can be a bit firey.

Started school Sept, seemed to settle in well, managed to avoid toilet accidents but seems extremely unhappy at times. Definitely doesnt drink enough fluid but we can work on that. No idea if he eats lunch but not too worried, we can feed him.at home.
He's not academic but has excellent vocabulary and pretty good speech. He likes to be the centre of attention and in the latter part of pre-school (different setting) had quite a few good friends.

However he doesnt deal well with not getting his own way and can tantrum/meltdown for a good hour or more over seemingly ridiculous things. Has been alot better lately but went off on one today eventually said it was bc there were too many big people, but failed to understand that we couldn't help bc we didn't know. Fully accept overwhelm is a thing. I would have removed him from the event after 5 mins screaming but DH felt he needed to stay.

2 things concern me, first is he says no one plays with him. I have no idea if its true but we had a school event today -like sports day, and he did everything on his own. Though he did communicate with a couple of his classmates..

Second his teacher (who is just qualified) calls him 'normalFred' as opposed to the other Fred in the class. This horrified me on so many levels, maybe he is normal? Not a problem, but what the heck do they call the other Fred? Nc for obvs reasons..
We think our Fred is probably special in some way, adhd, sensory, but he's able to mask it mostly. NormalFred just doesn't seem appropriate for either child..

He's only been at school 3 weeks, do I just carry on and not say anything, or speak up?

Talking to the teacher at the beginning or end of the day is pointless because its chaos.

That's exactly what I thought. Have you asked your son if he knows why she said it? I think it's spectacularly unlikely she's using it because in her eyes the other Fred isn't normal in some way, not least because it would very likely cost her her job.

And how exactly does his father's 'firiness' manifest itself?

Four-year-olds can do without too much anger/impatience around them.

In schools it is common for there to be two (or more!) children with the same name.

usually an initial is added so eg

Fred Smith and Fred Jones
become FredS and FredJ

I woukd definitely check with the Teach about how he’s referred to in class to distinguish him from the other Fred. If they are using NormalFred then it’s fine to say that you don’t feel this is appropriate and can get be referred to by his first name and initial of last name. That might not be appropriate either as DD had so many boys named Oliver in her class they all had to be referred to by both their first and last name but none of them were called anything like this.

The fact that you’ve said his DF is fiery is interesting. How does that show up in daily life?

I would def query why she calls him normal Fred

if he is used to getting own way at home via tantrums then he’s had A shock going to school with the teachers and other children will not put up with it

That is possibly why he’s playing on his own as if they were all playing together and your son starts complaining/Tantruming because they’re not playing the way he wants to play for example children pick up on that very quickly

I definitely speak to the teacher about the "normal name" thing, that's just bizarre. DD2 has the same as another girl in class, they're just Amy A and Amy B (not real names obvs)

As for not being able to read or write, we're a few weeks into term. Your expectations are way off. Neither of my kids could read or write at that stage, they were too busy having fun. I don't think we even had a reading book sent home till October in reception.

It's quite likely the teacher isn't even saying that. It's worth checking and I'd love to hear what it's really about.

This.

I would probably send a note or see if you can grab a moment with the teacher at the end of a day and initially clarify what DS has said. 4 year olds are notoriously unreliable narrators, and starting with curiosity is usually a good move.

Did you ask the teacher OP?

I really want to know about Normal Fred, it sounds like the sort of misunderstanding that is very real to me as a teacher and probablyvery funny. Like the child that went home and said I'd been teaching them Pole dancing. It was a Maypole.

I’m curious about the normal Fred thing-I hope you update when you’ve spoken to the teacher!
I wonder if the other Fred isn’t usually in the class and came for a visit or something so there would have been ‘normal Fred’ and ‘temporary Fred’ ?
on the other things you need to chill out and see how things pan out.

The 'normalfred' thing needs to be a 'formalcomplaint' thing.

That's appalling (if it is truly happening).

Maybe this school is toxic. Some are. Don't be afraid to imagine there could be a better setting. The way your complaint is dealt with will tell you a lot.

Before making a formal complaint the OP needs to find out first if that was what the teacher actually said. She might not be saying 'Normal', children mishear things and substitute a word they are more familiar with. Then, if she is saying 'Normal' find the real reason behind it, it might be a funny anecdote or an in-joke between her and the child.

If it turns out she is comparing OP's child to a child with SEN, then and only then, make a complaint.

Fred is a character used in some phonics teaching - it might be a way of differentiating between boy Fred and phonics Fred if they use it.

I don't think Fred is the actual name but I could be wrong.

The use of 'normalfred' is worthy of complaint irrespective of comparison, it's not appropriate. If it is happening, school leaders need to know.

Some teachers get it badly wrong and it is actually helpful for the school around them to know they are struggling. Keeping all discussion in the classroom isn't helpful, it can prolong the time before a teacher's attitudes are known.

An email can be couched in language of professional concern if unsure it is happening.

If it is happening, school leaders need to know.

If My point is she might not have said the word Normal. Check that first.

What happens at home when he doesn’t get his own way? I find with a lot of parents now, they’d say ‘oh he’s fine’ but then don’t realise they don’t allow situations to occur where their child has to be patient, lose in a game or not get their own way so when it naturally happens at school they can’t cope!

You said If it turns out she is comparing OP's child to a child with SEN, then and only then, make a complaint

'Only if comparing to a child with SEN' is a very low bar for teacher practice.

Fred A would be the appropriate practice from a teacher. The OP can just complain about Fred A not being used.

Yes but OP needs to know the actual context. 'Normal' could be an innocent comment, a joke, in which case it might have been a bit inappropriate but not cause for formal complaint. She needs to know the context and, most importantly, if that was what was actually said. As a parent I know my child sometimes came home from school having got hold of the wrong end of the stick and, as a teacher, I know my own words were sometimes misunderstood in ways I never imagined. I'm not saying the teacher is right, I'm saying find out first.

Tbh when I read the title

I did think

fred in the head

Yes, ask the teacher clearly to use your son's name without the 'normal' handle. Otherwise give him time to settle in. Let the teacher know you are worried about drinking and eating, they may help. Neither of my DC showed any interest in reading or writing prior to starting school and were definitely not recognising letters and numbers at 3 weeks in, though one of them loved oral counting. Both have been to good unis and have good degrees. To say not academic at 4 makes little sense.